Over Seska's Dead Body

Rating: T (or M?)

Episode: Immediately follows the end of Basics2

Summary: When and where did Janeway realize she loved Chakotay? Over Seska's Dead Body.

Credits: A very special thanks to Jadie for the beta.

Disclaimer: Of course its Paramount's universe, I just took it out for a spin.

After hearing the Doctor's news, Chakotay viewed Seska's body and went to his quarters. Physically exhausted but unable to sit still, he changed into his sweats for a couple rounds in the ring.

"Computer is there a free holodeck."

"Both holodecks are unoccupied."

"Reserve holodeck one for Commander Chakotay." He tossed his com-badge on the coffee table and left.

He entered the holodeck and started his boxing program, but re-thinking the idea, Chakotay initiated the security lock outs and commanded, "Computer run 'Chakotay nature program alpa3.'"

The sweaty boxing gym transformed into a dense tropical forest alive with birds, amphibians, and reptiles. Chakotay set out to run a footpath heading up a hill. The path led deep into the jungle.

Unaware that he ran at full stride for well over an hour, Chakotay slowed, satisfied that his mind was only aware of the tightness of his body. Still aching from the night on the Precambrian M class planet, the moisture in the holodeck soothed him, but every muscle was over exerted and shaking.

Stopping above a stream, Chakotay grabbed an overhanging tree branch for support. He tried to concentrate on the running water, but as soon as his heartbeat slowed, Seska, the smiling Cardassian, loomed in his mind. Too tired to keep running from her, he winced in pain.

Remembering Seska, the Bajoran, he was torn between anger and grief. He loved that angry Bajoran whom he tried to reach. But she was a lie. What's more, the child he accepted in his heart was also a lie.

He thought he loved her! Seska was the enemy he embraced; a Cardassian woman who would steal his DNA and gloat over her triumph. He shuddered at the betrayal and felt defeated by his tactical failures.

Bending over and coughing, his stomach began to wretch. Chakotay could have hurled everything in him, but his last meal was survival eggs and cucumbers planet-side 24 hours ago.

Chakotay seated himself against a tree near the water and held his head in his hands. For a brief moment, he thought he might cry but couldn't find a single tear. Not for Seska, and not for the Kazon's child. Reeling from the loss of Suder, Hogan, and Kirch; Maquis who had served under him for years. The excruciating emotional pain of slow acting Cardassian venom gnawed away inside him. It was not the kind of pain that brought tears, but torment instead. Finally catching his breath, Chakotay realized beating the hell of his body wasn't going to take it away.

Washing his face in the water, he managed to soak his shirt and his pant legs. Seeing his wet shirt, he took it off and used it to rinse off the sweat. Looking around, he found the holodeck exit.