One Last Time
And it's always little things And it's always little things There's an anchor around my heart There's a dagger in my hand And all we have to lose is time
That to the surface brings
The comfort in the pain
The fear behind the smile
We lose along the way
The things we leave behind
Along the precipice
Of things we should not climb
And I'm the first in line
There's an anchor around my heart
Dragging me down
Behind the waves in silence I fall
There's a halo above my head
Spinning me 'round
'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead
A dagger in my hand
Bleeding me dry
That to the surface brings
The space you need to breathe
Before the curtain call
The light that leads the way
Before you hit the wall
The mountain that you climb
Just to take a fall
For blind among the blind
Dragging me down
Beneath the waves in silence I fall
There's a halo above my head
Spinning me 'round
'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead
Bleeding me dry
And what lose we leave behind
Stay around and we will shine
"Halo" by Oleander
Yohji stood next to the counter, shaking as he gripped onto the edge tightly. He was frozen in place and a strong draft blew straight through his bones as if he were a thin square of rice paper. He tried to think, tried to come to grips with what had happened only moments ago, but the simple fact of the matter was that he didn't want to know. His heart ached and he rubbed his chest to stop the pain, though it only increased as the minutes past. Yohji then turned around, leaning against the counter as he drug his quivering fingers through his golden curls. His breaths became quicker and his heart raced with fear. Yohji clinched his eyes shut tightly and screamed at the top of his lungs, sweeping his arms across the counter and bringing everything down onto the linoleum floor with an irrefutable crash. He clinched his fists and slammed them into the counter tile and then slid to the floor, opening his eyes and then smashing his fists into the broken dishes and mugs scattered along the floor.
His screams pierced the frozen night air and red blood spattered the walls with every impact of his fists against the linoleum. He heard the pounding against his apartment door, but it matter little to him as he eventually withdrew into himself, curling over until his forehead reached his knees and his unnoticed tears mixed with the spattering of blood.
His screams had silenced and arms were curled against his chest when the three other members of Weiss where finally able to break their way into their blonde teammate's apartment. But little response came from the older member as glassy jade eyes only stared into space in a comatose state.
Earlier…
"You don't know what you're talking about, Yohji…" The stern voice spoke no argument, but Yohji didn't want to hear the warning. He didn't want to let go, he simply couldn't. Yohji grabbed onto Schuldig's forearm, pulling the German back as he started to walk away. "No! Schu, stop being so fucking stupid!" When Schudlig turned around to face the blonde sharply Yohji's glare softened under the scathing gaze the redhead was sending his way. He reached up and tangled his fingers into orange tresses, his thumbs grazing lightly over stubble covered cheeks as his eyes searched the other's face. "Stop it, idiot… You know it doesn't have to be this way!" Yohji hissed out as he brought their faces close enough to each other that they could feel the others' breath on their lips. Yohji ran his thumb over chapped lips. And he realized then with odd clarity that Schuldig's lips were always chapped, no matter how much moisturizing solution he applied, no matter how many times a day or hour that he did it. And the blonde cursed himself for bringing to mind such ridiculous notions at the present moment.
Yohji pulled the redhead's face down so that their lips could meet. The kiss was one-sided and so bittersweet, so hesitant. It was nothing like their first kiss, or any other kisses they had ever shared. Before, everything had been almost set in stone, even though that stone was bound to crumble at some point. They just didn't know when something would come their way and destroy everything they had, everything they had built and fought for. But as Schuldig pulled away slowly and turned from the blonde Yohji only stood in place at the kitchen counter, arms limp at his sides.
Yohji frowned as his throat tightened suspiciously in a way that warned of oncoming tears, but he pushed the notion away. He wouldn't cry because of Schuldig, not when the redhead had chosen to give up so easily. Yohji swallowed as Schuldig opened the apartment door and took in a ragged breath as he glared heatedly at the German's back.
"You're a fucking coward…"
Schuldig stopped at the hissed out words turning quickly to glare incredulously at the blonde. Yohji was standing with his hands fisted at his sides, his body framing the kitchen window and blocking the sink at the counter. "Excuse me?" Schuldig sneered at the blonde, swallowing what reserve he still had. He smirked then, chuckling darkly at the other assassin. "You still don't fucking getting it, do you, Kudoh?" At Yohji's unfazed glare Schuldig grinned even wider. "I really got to you didn't I? You really fucking care…" Yohji's eyes widened slightly at the statement, not quite willing to believe it himself.
"And here I was, thinking I didn't do anything…" Schuldig's laugh was harsh and grading, "Don't you get it, Kudoh? It was all a fucking sham! I didn't love you, no one could love you." Schuldig sneered at the frozen blonde, walking slowly but purposefully towards the other man. "I took you and wrapped you around my little finger, simple as that." His finger twirled in a little circle in front of the blonde's nose. Schuldig smirked, leering at the man salaciously, "The fucking wasn't bad though… I wouldn't mind another go sometime soon." Schuldig laughed as he quickly stepped back, missing the punch aimed for his jaw. The blonde was really glaring at him then, really torn up over what Schuldig had said. 'Good.'
"You were my fucking whore, Kudoh. Suck it up, cupcake. There weren't any roses and sunshine, I was only using you to keep entertained. Nothing but a fucking whore…" Schuldig shook his head as his face twisted in a hatful sneer, backing away towards the door of the apartment and walking out, leaving Yohji quivering in seething fury at the kitchen counter.
"It meant nothing, Kudoh. Get over it." The door clicked shut and the lock slid in place with deafening finality.
Present…
"Yohji? Yotan… Please wake up, Yotan, please?" Omi's voice drifted through the room as he watched his older teammate in worried confusion. Aya and Ken were down stairs, trying to think of something to eat while he stayed with Yohji. They had all heard the gut curdling screaming coming from the blondes room, heard the smashing and crashes behind the locked door. But they weren't prepared to see what had awaited them in their teammate's rooms.
Blood had spattered all across the linoleum floor, the cabinets, and the walls. Glass was everywhere, but mostly where Yohji sat, huddled in a small ball. Omi closed his eyes as he remembered the gashes and the pottery and glass that had been embedded into Yohji's hands and forearms. He had never seen Yohji having a breakdown or even had to clean up what was left of the man after he had one. Omi knew they all had their bad days when they couldn't get up in the mornings, but Omi had never witnessed one of them having a "bad day" and he sincerely wished that he hadn't. He could handle the blood and gore of killing and bullet wounds every night after missions, but the way Yohji had completely shut down into the comatose state that he was in was a whole different experience to take in. It sent shivers down Omi's spine whenever he remembered the screaming coming through the door…
Omi opened his eyes and looked down at the "sleeping" blonde. His hands and arms were bandaged all the way up to his biceps and a few bandages were placed on small cuts along his face where stray glass had flown up at the blonde. His eyes were closed now and his breathing had become somewhat shallow since they had moved him to the bed. And Yohji still lay unresponsive to any stimuli. It was like he had given up on life.
The sun shone thickly through the canapé of wide, opaque leaves and huddling branches. The wind blew, chiming with an ethereal song and rustling the foliage growing all around the two sitting figures. The redhead was lying on the blonde's lap, playing absently with the grass and his own long orange hair. The blonde was sketching a drawing of the other, trying to capture the man in the essence of the moment. But soon the redhead stopped his idle fidgeting and sat up, facing the blonde who sighed in amused frustration, placing his sketching tools to the side. "I'm bored." The statement was an expectant demand from the other man, one that bespoke of a restless tantrum in the not too far off future. Yohji only smiled, though, accustomed to the redhead's sporadic nature after so many months of companionship. It was almost as though he were taking care of a small child that had taken their last dose of Ritalin too many hours previous.
Yohji sighed and leaned back against the oak tree, eyeing Schuldig considerately. He took in the seemingly same posture the redhead had always had, the same blank expression, but Yohji couldn't help but to think that something was off today… That something wasn't quite right with his German companion's usual facade. "What do you want to do then?" The redhead thought about the possibilities for the day and with a defeated sigh thumped down onto the blonde's lap again.
Yohji laughed and ran his fingers through the German's fiery locks. "That's it? You can't think of anything?" Yohji chuckled as he got a sharp poke in the side and a scowling look from the man lying with his head in his lap. But as the angered expression faded into one of a more sensual orientation, Yohji found himself pulled down into a fierce kiss. Once they broke apart Schuldig smirked up at the blonde, tugging harshly on golden curls, "Don't mock me Kudoh, that's my fucking job." Yohji quirked a single brow eloquently, but let himself be pulled down into another scorching kiss under the shade of the arching canapé of fanning leaves.
"I'm glad you came back…" The whispered words floated off of flushed lips and into the cool air as the dream faded and shifted into something more.