Chapter Two: Jonathan Strange

When I used to wake up, I would look around wondering where I was. I would be on the French battlefield or in my villa in Italy, and be unsure for a few minutes what I would find when I opened my eyes and looked out the window, sometimes delighting on the mystery The trouble with this place is I know exactly where I am. The view from the outdoors never changes, it is always the same darkness that surrounds us. Everywhere the despair hangs all over this house as we try to find a way to conquer our imprisonment and find our way out of this mess that I put us in.

I suppose this is the perfect situation for Mr. Norrell. The old crumudgeon lives off of solitude and his library. He has never had any friends, well except for Childermass and those two insufferable imbeciles Drawlight and Lascelles. I swear he would marry that library if given the chance. But not me.

There is a part of me that is climbing the walls longing for the parties, the social gatherings that I used to attend and the friends that I once had. I lay in bed in despair and anger at myself for letting it go so far. On those days Norrell pulls me out of bed and tells me to stop being so maudlin.

On other days, I can think of nothing but magic. I spend my days going over spells and listening hearing the voices of the wind and water, and the far off music from the land of Faerie. It isn't as clear as it was, but I can still hear it. I climb out of bed and look around the room. It is silent and I am alone, but Norrell has been in here, I know it. Perhaps he heard one of the Fairies calling me as I did. He sat over my bed, but is now gone. He is so good to me.

Norrell. Sometimes I am irritated at him and other times I have to thank him. We still fight as often as ever and he stills goes into his tedious lectures that half put me to sleep and half drive me mad. But other times, well without sounding trite about it, he is like a father to me. Well better than my birth father, anyway. He does not fuss over me, in the maudlin way a mother would, but instead just stands next to me and silently touches my shoulder or my forehead and whispers small words of comfort. I would never let him know this, but I do not know what I would do if he were not here with me. I probably wouldn't be able to survive this solitude. I would like to throttle him sometimes but somehow he makes this place almost bearable.

I walk around the room and look out the window. I see the view that I am accustomed, the darkness with no fields, no city streets, and no surroundings. I sigh thinking of Arabella, my darling wife. I picture her beautiful hair and her lovely gowns (even the awful black one she wore after she had been possessed by Faerie) and her melodic voice. I don't remember the words she said to me, just the way her voice sounded when she spoke. That is enough for now. I remember my last words to her, Do not wear black... Do not be a widow... Be happy... That is how I wish to think of you. I have lost count of the time I have been here. It could be a few months, could have been a year, could have been ten or even a hundred. Arabella may have remarried, may have even had children. I hoped she would. I wouldn't want her to despair.

The darkness moves to form a shape. The shape of a large eye bores into me. It looks through me into my mind and soul opening every secret! It seems to call to me! I want to duck down to avoid it's awful gaze! I want to cast a spell to make it disappear but the words die in my throat! But more than that, I want to be filled with his power. I want to fall into this dreaded eye and become one with it. I am torn between my new revulsion of the Raven King and my old desire to behold him. Before I would have given anything for that eye to look upon me, now I wish it would just let me be!

I hear the ancient voice calling to me, "Jonathan. Jonathan" and hear the sad violin music. I cannot bear it, it moves me so and my eyes fill. I step onto the balcony longing to fall into the darkness and just fall forever. My right foot dangles over into nothingness and I stand onto the balcony's edge my arms outstretched. The voice promises a life free of pain. Just jump, it seems to say. Come to us, and your suffering will end.

I almost lose my balance when I feel an arm grab me from behind and pull me off the balcony. I look into Norrell's gray eyes, his white hair askew from the exertion. "Don't be foolish, Strange," he said curtly gripping me tighter so I do not let go. "Do not fall into the darkness." I hear his voice holding a touch of concern, then the old gruffness returns. "Where would I find your body to bury you?"

I sit next to Norrell sighing and breathing slowly. I no longer wish to jump. Now I am just exhausted. My mind and body are drained of energy. Norrell stands up and helps me to rise. "Come now," he said returning to business. "Let's go into the study. I have some books we must look through."

I meekly follow Norrell. I have nothing now except my friendship with him. For now that's enough to get me through this prison.

For now anyway.