POO- The "Special" Version of the Phantom of the Opera
Authors: Desiree L. Wallen, Mr.Pooch, and with additional help from Bladequeen 2000
Chapter One: Auction to "Think of Me"
Narrator: Scene opens on a fat, bald man standing behind a podium. When he talks, it is in a high pitched, squeaky voice, much like that of a teenage girl. By the way, this horrible man is a pimp. Want proof? I caught him sleeping with my wife! And I...
Director Joel: Andrew, we need a new narrator.
Andrew: Why?
Joel: Bob slept with this one's wife. Again.
Andrew: (sighs) Then why not fire Bob?
Joel: We've been over this before. I love Bob, I mean- I like Bob, and we have.fun together, and I... Look, I have a problem with firing my sister's boyfriends, okay!
Andrew: Fine, fine. (to Bob, better known as the Auctioneer) From your first line, Bob.
(Movie begins filming)
Auctioneer: Gentlemen.and(passing a glance over to the dressing dancers) ladies.
Joel: CUT! Bob, there will be no pimping on this set! Resume filming!
Auctioneer: (coughs awkwardly) Either way, Lot 665 is now open. A most interesting statue of a child at the Neverland Ranch sitting in Ronald McDonald's lap. The bidding will begin at five dollars!
Random Bidder: Ten dollars!
Old Woman: (MME.GIRY! I never said anything): Fifteen dollars!
Old Guy: (RAOUL! I never said. Snoring): Tw..twenty. twenty five dollars!
Dr. Evil: One billion dollars!(gives an evil laugh)
Joel: Cut! Get him out of here! (filming resumes)
Old Guy/RAOUL: $37 dollars and 99 cents.
Auctioneer: $37 once.twice.sold! To the Vicount de Changy(see I told.snore)
Now, Lot 3377, an old, dingy chandelier, broken and shattered into a million pieces. Why anyone would want this is beyond me. Except, perhaps, it is a magic chandelier! As we raise it up, we will all be transported back to 1870(wow, what a creative date) into the glory days of the Opera Populaire. Yes, that Opera Populaire, the one with the mysterious.Phantom of the Opera! Gentlemen, turn it on!
(Random Worker, at the organ, plays the traditional "dramatic" music: BUM Bum BUM. As the other workers turn the chandelier on, about 10 billion times to bright.)
Random Bidder: Oh, my god, please, turn it off!
Old Guy/Raoul: I'm g-going b-blind.
Joel: Raise it up! HURRY! And turn the (EXPLICIT CONTENT) music on!
(Play that Funky Music begins to play, as the chandelier is raised and a disco ball is lowered. Several skaters skate out onto a now-illuminated stage. A huge guy in an afro leads them in disco moves. Meanwhile, as the chandelier continues to rise we can see statues of.)
Bob: Naked Women!
Joel: Cut! Bob, you're part is over, now LEAVE! I love you to death, but LEAVE! Before I lose my sanity, and where did that statement come from?
Bob: (pausing while running from security) Porn.
Joel: WHAT? Never mind, it's better not to know. All right, people, Prep Scene! We need Christine, Meg, and Dancers. Begin!
(Candy Shop begins to play. Joel is about to cry. The dancers stand there for a moment, but finally get the hint. About their performance? Let's just say, Bob is happy. Very happy.)
Joel: Oh, dear god, help me. (music switches to La Carlotta's part in Hannibal.)
Andre: (after La Carlotta is done singing) Very good, ma'am.
La Carlotta: La Carlotta thanks you.
Firmin: Aren't you La Carlotta?
Old Manager: Yes, she is. (pulling them away.) She likes to refer to herself in the third person. Oh, look, here's our conductor.
(nervous, small, bald man enters, with two bodyguards)
Firmin: Why does the conductor have body guards?
Old Manager: Well, you see...
Conductor: (flipping out) PURPLE MAN! The purple man is coming to eat me!
Tybalt: Where is he? I shall murder the rouge!
Purple Man: I am for you!
Joel: Cut! Emmy, say your line. Jen, get over there! And get Tybalt and the imaginary purple guy out of here! Patrick! Patrick Wilson, you're up! Resume filming!
(Raoul has given a very long, very boring speech that has made all of the dancers, except for Christine, fall asleep at their feet. As the managers begin to clap, they wake up.)
Firmin: He's a very good speaker. It's a shame he st..st..stutters.
Andre: Firmin! Be nice, he is our patron. And he is cute.
Firmin: Oh, really. Do you think so?
Andre: But not as cute as you are. (they kiss)
Christine: OMG! Our new managers are gay!
Meg: And our new patron stutters. And tonight's dinner is lamb, from down near Nice. And mother is absoultly killing me to talk to this guy, Erik. I mean, he seems nice, but still, I don't' know him. And I.
Christine: Meg! Don't talk about my boy, Raoul, like that, girl!
Meg: What you talking about, dawg?
Christine: Well, Meg, when I was little, my father...
Meg: Oh, gosh, not another, my father speech.
Christine(glaring): Either way, I met Raoul at the shore one year. And we fell in love. (Raoul walks by.) And now, he doesn't even recognize me! (she starts to cry.)
Meg: Girl, I'm so sorry. (turns around and flips Raoul off.) He's a (EXPLICIT CONTENT HERE). Does that make you feel better?
Christine: Not really, it's kind of, scary.
Mme. Giry: What is that (EXPLICIT CONTENT FOR A FOUR LETTER WORD) noise?
La Carlotta: That's it, La Carlotta is leaving! She hates you all! (Regretfully, the managers convince her to stay and get her to sing.)
Steven: (fires an arrow at the curtain above La Carlotta, on who it falls): I never liked her, she wasn't right in the head.
Joel(crying): Cut! Just switch to "Think of Me", okay? That'll be it for today. And get the Braveheart guy out of here. (Peter Pan flies in, and sprinkles fairy dust on Steven, who flies away with him, screaming: My island! Or, Yes, Father!)
Joel: I must be high. Resume filming.
Mme. Giry: Christine, it is time.
Christine: Pha-nom-en-on.
Chourus: Do do do do do.
(They sing the song from the CherryDr. Peppercommercial.)
Joel: Cut! We're done for today! I can't take this anymore. Tomorrow, we'll have to continue, we'll come back and fix this later.
Bob: You know, you can see her boobs in that dress.
Joel: I'm going to kill myself before this is over, if you don't leave now, Bob!
End Of Chapter One
So...Did you like Chapter One? Yes, we are two very twisted friends who adore Phantom of the Opera, and are passionate enough to warp it, so if you are so passionate to the point where you wish to hurt us for doing this, just review! Chapter Two will be up ASAP! Also, if you adore this, please review as well!