Disclaimer: If I owned The Legend of Zelda, I would also create a neat computer program that would confiscate Bad Writers' fingers. Neat, no?
Author's Note: This was inspired by a Mary-Sue based rant I came up with, which people reacted well to. So I'm working on making it a full fic, and it is neat. Pee-Ess: I don't really know what Miyamoto's like. At all.
Dodecahedronforce: Sucked into Hyrule
Somewhere in Japan, a very troubled Nintendo worker scurried through the halls of Shigeru Miyamoto's manor. He could hear Miyamoto's laughter ringing through the hallways, and women's voices seemed to be the source of the Zelda creator's glee.
Finally, the disgruntled worker burst out of the house and out onto the back patio of Miyamoto's home; here Miyamoto sat by the pool, three women at his sides. "Mister Miyamoto!" the worker yelled, flailing his arms as he was known to do.
"What?" Miyamoto snapped, displeased with having been disturbed. The tittering women at his sides frowned at the intruder, pouting cutely.
"Sir, are those women…cosplayers?" Indeed they were; one was dressed as Princess Zelda, another as Malon, and the third as Flannery from the Poké mon games.
"Yes."
"Right. Anyway, Mister Miyamoto, sir—" Miyamoto cut him off.
"MIYAMOTO-SAMA!" he corrected, making the Nintendo worker recoil.
"I'm sorry, Miyamoto-sama. How silly of me to forget; you only created the Zelda Empire," the worker said, bowing his head in respect.
"Yes. Yes I did. Continue."
The women tittered again, cooing at Miyamoto and praising his genius. "I just came from Nintendo, Miyamoto-sama. It turns out that a few thousand of our game cartridges were…malfunctioning."
Miyamoto raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
"Yes, sir. When one begins to press the Start button on one's Nintendo64, the cartridge and the system react to open up a rift to Hyrule."
The cosplayers all giggled and scoffed at this idea, but Miyamoto pondered over this for a moment. "Eh. We have their money already. Who cares if there are a few thousand kids getting killed off in Hyrule? Don't bother with a recall."
The women agreed with this statement joyously.
Meanwhile, miles and time zones away, Kyran began to pound on the button of her Nintendo64 rapidly, whining about how she had seen the startup screen for The Ocarina of Time countless times before.
"God damnit!" she shouted. Still, the television and game system refused to speed up the process. Frustrated, Kyran brushed some of her golden-blonde hair from her shimmering blue eyes. Her hair fell unbound down her back in soft waves to her waist, but she pulled it up into a high ponytail. Her natural highlights mixed nicely with the rest of her shining locks.
"Motherfucker!" she continued, pounding ever harder on the poor controller. Suddenly, the screen froze up and went black. "Oh, balls," she said, pouting prettily. Of course, Kyran ignored the fact that Nintendo64s had been out for a good number of years, and it wasn't uncommon for the older ones to freeze up occasionally.
Still, she spouted obscenities at the inanimate object, disregarding how silly this really was; not that her Nintendo cared much—the hatred was mutual. As if to answer her pleas to work again, a glowing ball of blue light popped up on the previously all-black screen. "Hey!" it shouted.
"Oh-Ehm-Gee! Doubleyou-Tee-Eff?" Kyran interjected, flailing her arms in a comical manner. "What the fuck are you, and why are you talking to me?" she demanded.
"My name is Navi, the fairy." Kyran opened her mouth to speak, but had to shut it again (albeit with a mental note to hurt the bitch fairy once she got the chance) when Navi continued: "I've come here because the Goddesses chose you to help Link. Apparently, our Hero of Time is incompetent and needs the help of a pampered sixteen-year-old girl to defeat Ganon. Again."
"Really?" Kyran squealed. Navi just jingled as she floated away. In her place, there was a swirling vortex of red and black light; Kyran tried to escape this swirling tunnel, but it managed to suck her into the television.
The tunnel contracted and heaved as it tried to expel her through its other side, and her body slid easily over its warm, lubricated sides. After a while, the tunnel opened, and Kyran fell to the ground with a Pttttthhhhhhhbbbbbbttttttt sound to accompany her.
Upon landing, she looked around: the sky was dark red, the clouds were black, and there were spirals in the sky. She stood in a large, sloping field, and she could see a castle to the north. A stream gurgled by to her immediate right. "OH MY GAWD! I'm in Hyrule!" she announced.
As if by impulse, she looked down at the back of her left hand. A golden triangle, the point facing her, glowed in her skin. "OH MY GAWD! I'm the holder of the fourth piece of the Triforce! SQUEE!"