The Very Secret Diary of Joren of Stone Mountain
Disclaimer - Joren isn't mine, unfortunately, he belongs to Tamora Pierce, as do the other characters. Helen Feilding started this style and Cassandra Claire is credited for stylistic inspiration as well.
Day 734 – Girl arrived today. Is like Lump. Is not, not, sexy. But Queenscove took her. Am the prettiest. Thought I would steal her away so Sand-scut and Prince can't get her.
Day 741 – Wyldon doesn't like Lump. Still favours me over girl. Told him Lump wouldn't stay more than a month. Sand-scut begged for forgiveness for wanting Lump.
Day 772 – Stupid Lump hasn't left yet, despite giving her weighted lance and beating her up almost every night. She punched my face. My beautiful face! Now have ugly bruise on jaw and a black eye. Is absolute travesty. Wyldon won't let me see healer, despite request for 'personal lessons'. Terrible day.
Day 773 – Perfect day today. Lump hit many times with sandbag during tilting. Gave Lump black eye as repayment for yesterday. Wyldon let me go see healer in morning, after Sand-scut bragged about prettiness. Pretty again. Going to see Wyldon.
Later - Wyldon sexier than I thought!
Day 774 – Wyldon having regrets. Threatened to tell King if he doesn't get over age hang-ups.
Day 860 – Found out Lump afraid of heights. Shocked. Lump v. sexy when scared. Maybe know why Prince and Queenscove besotted with her. Bought new face-paints. Wyldon slightly annoyed at newfound adoration of Lump.
Day 1040 – Going on summer camp. Lump told Wyldon we didn't need to go to inn. Sleeping on ground will ruin my hair. And my face-paint will run if it rains. Wyldon made stupid rule about not sneaking out of tents at night. Getting dirt under fingernails. Want a hot bath.
Day 1042 – Wyldon making us cook. Prince paying attention to me now, as he is in my hunting group, but Sand-scut put out at this. On plus side, Lump having to climb trees. Is v. sexy when afraid. Fingernails getting chipped. Need hot bath.
Day 1051 – Went on spidren hunt today. Wyldon happy I survived. V. happy. So happy he waived stupid sneaking out of tent rule. Broke nail while attacking spidren. Life is over. Desperate for hot bath.
Day 1056 – Had long, glorious hot bath! Love soft bed with many pretty cushions. Back from camp. Wyldon letting Lump stay. Thinks she is good fighter. Getting worried about Wyldon liking Lump. Will kill him if he tries anything.
Day 1238 – Returned to Corus. Summer break good. Lump returned with sexy maid. Still prettier than maid.
Day 1249 – Lump looking smug, so I took off ugly grin by saying she was sleeping with Faleron. Comment worked and I saved stables from ugliness, but instead of being thanked, Queenscove said I was Garvey's whore. Disgusted anyone could think I would sleep with ugly stupid brute. Had to defend honour. Big fight in stables, which created lots of havoc. Wyldon punished us with bread and water supper. Now my hair won't be shiny from lack of carrots. On plus side, got chance to grope Queenscove in fight without notice. Did same to Prince, but got caught.
Day 1307 – Lump still ignoring me. Queenscove still ignoring me. Queenscove besotted with Lump. Prince besotted with Lump. Wyldon besotted with Lump. I'm besotted with Lump. Lump besotted with maid. Depressing. Bought pretty lip-paints to cheer self up.
Day 1413 – Became squire today. Passed big exams easily. Getting new knight-master soon. Spending night with Wyldon for old times' sake.
Day 1414 – Have new knight-master. Paxton of Nond, friend of Wyldon, is v. sexy. Am jealous of Zahir, who got King. King v. v. pretty, much prettier than Paxton. Not as pretty as me though. Prince got Imrah of Legann. Feel sorry for him. Imrah v.v. ugly.
Day 1476 – Leaving Corus and going to Paxton. V. sad to leave. Will miss my strawberry hair-cleaner and face-paints. Zahir said face-paints wrong colour for him. Said he would give it to King as gift. Why was I friends with him?
Later – I remember now.
Day 1476 – Returned to Corus. Still besotted with Lump. Told Lump I want to be friends with her. Maybe will succeed where everyone else failed. Lump's maid flirting with me. Is v. pretty.
Day 1762 – Lump's maid in love with me. Decided to sneak away together for the night. Dog got in what when maid sneaking out so took dog in bed with us. Had glorious night night on Balor's Needle. Next morning went to get breakfast and maid shut door. Stupid chit forgot door locked automatically. Now maid panicking about Lump. Sent Lump note and looked for key. Didn't find it because maid had key and opened it, but dropped it when getting dog.
Day 1826 – Maid said I kidnapped her. Couldn't think of better story, so pretended that two butchers kidnapped her. Decided I didn't care about charges as only get fined. Feeling jealous of Zahir and King shagging, so made some scathing remarks. Ugly magistrate went an uglier shade of purple. Has scarred my eyes to see such ugliness.
Day 2096 –Took ordeal. Died. Chamber of Ordeal jealous of my prettiness. Am now prettiest in Black God's realm.
A/N - Thanks to wmelon and Lan for betaing. Please review.