The hugs were far too easy to get used to, in this body.

It had started the first night Kaito had tried cooking dinner - the other teen, after the mess had been cleaned up, had dropped to his knees and given Conan an abrupt hug, laughing a little and ruffling his hair afterwards.

Still feeling pleased about Kaito's laugh and light mood, Conan had just smiled back up at Kaito and returned the hug like a proper little boy should. he'd gone to bed thinking it was the end of the matter.

But instead, over the past two weeks, as fall finally gave up the fight and snow began drifting down one day in brief spurts, the hugs became more frequent. Kaito found a reason to often just be next to Conan, maybe just lay a hand on his head, or give him a hug before he sent him off to school. Or they'd spend a few minutes in the kitchen, talking about their day, and Conan would find himself on Kaito's lap by the end.

He'd never been very used to touch...his mother being the only physically demonstrative person he'd ever known. Kaito seemed to be that way, too, always touching or hugging people he cared about. And now, it seemed Conan had wormed his way into that circle.

it filled him with slight regret, but it was relieving at the same time. Kaito barely looked at him with suspicions nowadays, just laughing it off when he slipped and said something too adult. Conan's mask was complete - unless he really slipped out, Kaito wouldn't find out, now. He could stay as long as he wanted.

For however long that ended up being. Watching the days tick by without getting any closer to his goal was perhaps the worst thing. There was nothing he could do. He didn't know where to start, where to look...for all he was claimed to be a great detective, he couldn't go away with nothing to go on. He'd even toyed with the idea of tailing Kaito during a heist, to see if any operatives were nearby, but he wasn't quite sure if he could avoid Kaito's senses. And wouldn't that be a talk when they got home?

Conan sighed. Well, there wasn't any use worrying about it for now. Not when there was nothing he could do...

And it wasn't like he minded the hugs, really, but just wished they were given to who he wanted to be.

"I'm home!" Kaito called out as he entered the house, a little later than usual.

Conan paused only for a moment to call out an affirmation, before digging back into his snack. Soon enough, Kaito trailed into the kitchen following his voice.

"Hey, kiddo, what're you eating? If it's good, I might have some."

Conan responded by holding out a spoonful. "Ice cream. Your mom bought my favorite flavor the other day, so I decided to have some today. It's strawberry."

He hadn't expected the reaction - for Kaito to suddenly get a strange look on his face, as if he was trying very hard to not frown or look sad. He blinked when Kaito shook his head a little, the other teen breaking out a smile.

"Strawberry, huh? That's Shinichi's favorite too. I like chocolate better, personally...so I think I'll pass. Anyways, Conan, I know I promised to take you to the professor's today, but...can we postpone that? I'm tired and school kind of kicked my ass today...I just want to relax."

Frowning a little bit, Conan pushed away from the table and slid to the ground, padding over to Kaito. "It's fine, but...are you okay? You seemed fine before..."

He trailed off. Before he'd seen the flavor of ice cream. Of course, how could he be so stupid? That was his favorite flavor even as Shinichi, Kaito even said so himself...it hadn't made him suspicious, but it had reminded him of his missing friend. The one who just might be dead, for all Kaito knew. Conan mentally kicked himself for forgetting something so callous.

"No, kiddo, I'm really fine...just tired, what with Aoko nagging all day and Hakuba being his charming self...just wanna curl up in my room and be brain-dead." A hand ruffling Conan's hair. "You can take care of yourself for the afternoon, right? Knock on my door if you need anything."

Conan reached up to grab the hand, staring up at Kaito. Maybe...it might help if...

"You miss Shinichi-nii-chan, don't you."

The look Kaito gave him was almost comical, and he would have laughed had the situation been different. As it was, he watched the emotions play over Kaito's face for the one moment his surprise unguarded him. They moved too fast for him to really catch, but the loneliness was there. But soon it was gone and there was the "big brother" smile again, and it made Conan frown harder instantly. He didn't like that look being used as a mask.

"Of course I miss him, kiddo, he's a best friend of mine and he's missing...but that's nothing for you to worry about, and he'll show up soon. It's just been a long day for me, that's all, and I just wished I could rant to him a little about it. Well, I'll just have to rant a lot when he gets back, to fill up my quota."

He stepped forward, tugging insistently at Kaito's sleeve. Damn it, he was still here to talk to! Even if it was through Conan, he was still here, and he wouldn't just stand by to watch Kaito suffer. "It's okay to miss Shinichi-nii-chan, you know...I do too. You can talk to me about it, I'll listen. You don't have to worry about him all alone."

He did miss Shinichi. Now more than ever. If only he could just turn back right now, when it mattered, to show Kaito he was okay and not let him worry anymore...he'd listen to any amount of yelling the other teen wanted to throw at him, so long as he was there as Shinichi to be yelled at. More than anything...to just be there for Kaito again...

Kaito sighed, kneeling in front of Conan. "Look, Conan...yes, I miss Shinichi and I worry about him. He hasn't even called or shown up for weeks, and it makes me worry that he's gotten himself in some sort of mess, all by himself, and I can't help him because I don't know where he is. But that's that...there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make Shinichi appear. So until he shows up, I can do nothing. Yes, I'm worried, and that won't change until I know he's safe. You can't change that, Conan. So it's nice of you to try, but unless you know where Shinichi is, there's not much you can do..."

Then Kaito's eyes narrowed a bit. "Unless you really do something about where Shinichi went. Do you?"

Crap, he hadn't wanted the conversation to take this turn! He smiled nervously at Kaito, and wilted a little when Kaito merely stared back. "N-No, Kaito-nii-chan...I don't, he was gone before I arrived..."

Kaito merely stared at him a few seconds longer. "Fine, okay. If Shinichi swore you to secrecy about it, I won't force you. Never mind if he needs saving or anything, can't tell Kaito. Any other comforting lies he told you to pass on?"

Conan stared at the floor, stung. That had hurt. Damn it, all he had wanted was to find some way to cheer Kaito up, to get him to share his worries, and all he'd succeeded in was making Kaito angry and upset. Like always. Great job, Shinichi! "I'm sorry..."

Arms wrapped around him and pulled him close, and he squeaked a little out of surprise. What...?

"Gods, I'm sorry Conan...I didn't mean to explode on you, it's not your fault. I'm sorry, of course you're only doing what you're told..."

But it is...it's all my fault! He thought despairingly, before closing his eyes. "I-It's all right, Kaito-nii-chan...I just wanted to try to cheer you up, but it didn't work..."

There was a weak chuckle from Kaito. "If you really want to cheer me up, you could tell me where Shinichi went...but even if he told you not to tell something, I doubt you know where he actually is...it's not your fault. Really, Conan, I'll always worry about Shinichi when he's not right at my side, it's just how I am. You don't need to burden yourself by trying to make me feel better...I'm glad you want to try, but it's going to work very well until Shinichi comes back, I'm sorry..."

"Shinichi-nii-chan didn't tell me anything..." he mumbled, before biting his lip, mulling that over. If Kaito thought his nervousness was due to knowing something about Shinichi he wasn't telling, it might help steer suspicions away even further. "...Not anything about where he went and what he was doing, though..."

"So he did tell you something?"

There was that sharp, questioning tone again, and Conan squeaked slightly automatically, before stammering. "No-Nothing important...nothing to help...just something...personal...that's all!"

"Oh?" Damn it, now Kaito's voice had turned teasing. "What sort of personal thing?"

"S-Something embarrassing! Something that should be told to Kaito-nii-chan by Shinichi-nii-chan himself only!" He stammered out. Well...he did have things he wanted to tell Kaito, straight to his face and in his own body. So that wasn't a lie, per say...

"Something embarrassing and personal that only Shinichi himself can tell me, huh..." Kaito mused over that for a moment, then sighed. "I can't see why you can't just tell me...but if you promised, that's fine. I won't press you about it. I just wish I knew he was okay..."

The other teen slumped a little at those last words, and Conan instinctively wrapped his arms around Kaito to hug him. "Shinichi-nii-chan's okay, he has to be! He...wants to tell you something, so...he'll come back! He has to..."

Kaito hugged him back, chuckling weakly. "In my experience, kiddo, people usualy don't get a choice to come back...but thanks. Hopefully he'll be back soon to say it." Kaito then nuzzled him, laughing slightly more real. "Thanks for trying though, kiddo...for being here."

Conan smiled a little, leaning into the hug. "I'll always be here for Kaito-nii-chan, but...still...you'd rather have Shinichi-nii-chan, right?"

He'd meant it as an innocent question, sure of what the answer would be. Of course Kaito should want his real best friend back, and not this weak little imitation shell. It was what Conan himself wished for.

So when Kaito answered, the words almost made his heart stop cold.

"Well...yes, I love Shinichi, he's my best friend and a few...other things, besides, but...I wouldn't give you up for the world, Conan. Not even for Shinichi."

/iWhat...?/i

Conan looked up at Kaito, confused. No, Kaito couldn't possibly mean... "B-But...I'm just a little kid...surely Shinichi-nii-chan's much better?"

"Well...there's a few things that I'd love to do to your Shinichi-nii-chan that you're too young to know about, yes, but..." Kaito put his hands on Kaito's shoulders, looking at him directly. "If there was a choice between you two - and there never will be - then I'd pick you. Shinichi would understand, I'm sure he'd do the same thing."

No. This was not supposed to happen. Conan was a mask, a shell, a fake identity he was using to hide. Kaito shouldn't want Conan over Shinichi, that was not how it was supposed to go!

"N-Not even...if giving me up...was the only way to get Shinichi-nii-chan back...?" Don't say it, Kaito, don't say it...it is the only way... He begged mentally, staring up at Kaito with pleading eyes.

"Not even then. And I know Shinichi would have it the same way, he'd never sacrifice a little kid for himself." Kaito gave Conan a worried look. "You're not actually worried about that, are you kiddo? Because if Shinichi tried to make me get rid of you when he comes back, I'll drop-kick him off a cliff. He should know better. He'll come back and we'll be all three together like we should be."

His head fell to stare at the floor, thoughts spinning in a daze. He'd always imagine he'd just...come back, and Kaito wouldn't think twice about Conan being gone. Shinichi certainly wouldn't, he'd be glad to be free of him...but...

What if he did come back and Kaito said he didn't want him? That he'd rather have Conan...?

"...That's not it. But...what if...it was the only way...? Would you really...throw away Shinichi-nii-chan...just for me...?"

"There'll be no throwing away of either of you. Even if it came down to that, I'd find a way to save you both. But really...how do you think Shinichi would feel about it if I chose him over you? he'd never live with himself if he let someone else die like that...he's too soft-hearted. So don't worry...we'll always be together."

Kaito was right, normally he would have never forgiven Kaito if the other had let someone else die just to save Shinichi. If it had been a real kid, Shinichi would have understood perfectly.

But Conan wasn't real...

He shook his head, trying to chase away the creeping despair. There was no way for all three of them to be saved, to live happily ever after together. The only way Shinichi would return was by COnan dying. And Kaito didn't know that, and Conan was too scared to tell him. Even if he didn't say he was Shinichi...gods, what would Kaito think about that?

Kaito might even completely denounce Shinichi, and never want to get him back, or see him again, and if Shinichi did come back, he would lose Kaito...

"So come on, what's wrong, kiddo? You're not going anywhere, I promise. Come on, you look a little tired...let's go lay down."

Conan didn't object as Kaito picked him up, heading for the bedroom. He didn't speak when Kaito laid him down on the bed, then followed suit himself and snuggled him close. Any other time, his heart would have been racing from having Kaito so close holding him like this, but the only thing that circled around in his head now was a feeling of complete loss.

He closed his eyes with a small whimper, and had to stop another one from coming out when Kaito hugged him tighter, petting his head...in a completely borthso affectionate, and in such a brotherly way it almost made him want to just curl up and cry.

What if...Kaito never wanted him back...?

I'll...stay COnan for him, then... The thought came, and he merely let out a sigh of resignation. I'll stay Conan for as long as he wants him...no matter if I never come back as my real self...if it's what Kaito wants...

If I showed up again and Conan vanished, would you turn me away, Kaito? Would you give up your new little brother just for a chance with me again?

He turned over, curling up against Kaito when the answer flashed all too readily in his mind. He knew what Kaito would do. And he wouldn't survive it.

So he merely just sighed again, settling down to really sleep with Kaito's presence that was alternately comforting and depressing. He had no other choice.

I'll be whoever you want, Kaito...no matter how hard it is. So long as I'm by your side...