Author's Note: We've all seen Mary-Sues. They're perfect and have no flaws. They're beautiful. They're incredibly talented and lovable. They make close friends with all of the characters the author likes, and if the author is a fangirl of, say, Elk, he falls in love with her. Sometimes the Mary-Sue is the author inserted into the show or game. They are the focal point of the plot, and they're very strong, maybe even stronger than the main character. This is a parody of a Mary-Sue. It is what one is like, but maybe exaggerated. I hope it's funny…

Once Again: This is supposed to be funny because it is exaggerated. It isn't real.

Dedication: Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Long live parodies!

Disclaimer: I do not own .hack.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Eiko Sagawari. She was very pretty and popular, but she had never played a video game in her life. Ever. She wanted to play The World, but her parents were dead and she lived alone in a little hut in the woods and her life was a sob story, BUT LUCKILY, she made friends with the wolves. She lived with them. Out of nowhere, she developed wolf ears. This made her even more pretty and popular.

One day, she got The World. She was very happy, because she could now play The World. She created a character named Saliharanakari, or just Rana. Rana had purple eyes and blue hair and she was totally hot. Her outfit looked like BlackRose, except it was pink and it was smaller and Rana was hotter. She was ten times hotter than BlackRose, because she was a Mary-Sue.

She was a wavemaster and her staff was special. It had a heart on top, like Helba's in GIFT, except Rana wasn't naked but all the guys wished she was because she was SOOOOOOO hot!

One day Rana was walking through an area called Totally Hot Virgin. I made this keyword up myself and it is very clever. Virgin is actually a third keyword, but I made the other two up because I like this keyword so much. Rana was a virgin, because she was really smart and perfect and never did naughty things, except all the boys at school hit on her and told her they loved her wolf ears.

Anyway, the totally hot virgin (in the area Totally Hot Virgin! Tee-hee!) was walking and then she saw a girl. She was pale and she wore white and she had white hair and blue eyes and Rana thought she was an albino so she said, "Are you albino?"

"No," said the girl, who was pretty, but not as pretty as Rana because Rana is SUPER PRETTY. Just to clarify. Anyway, the girl said, "I am Aura, and you are my last hope. They are coming for me. Only you can save the world."

Aura gave Rana a necklace. It was red and blue and yellow and purple and orange and white and green and every color in the UNIVERSE! Rana thought it was beautiful. She put it on. The girl told her to use it to data drain with it and save The World. Then she disappeared. A creepy thing came. It was poo-colored and had a red wand and was named Skeith, but no one seems to know that. It tried to data drain Rana, but she killed it in one hit, even though she was a wavemaster. This is because she is cool and special.

Rana went back to the root town. She saw Balmung walking through. "Lord Balmung!" she gasped, somehow knowing his name because of her uber-coolness.

He looked at her and smiled because her purple eyes were like gazing into noxious purple gas and her blue hair was like sapphire and he felt his heart beating and he fell in love with her. "Call me Balmung," he said.

Balmung asked her if she wanted to go make out, but she giggled and blushed and said no because she was a good girl. Then he asked her if she would be his girlfriend because he loved her because she was hot. She said yes.

Later, Rana was walking. She was happy, because Balmung, who was SOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOT OMG was her boyfriend. She went to an area that was level 200 but she was strong so she killed as the enemies with her spell "PhaOrBiLaMegaVak Explosion."

She saw a monster that was green because it was a data bug. She gasped dramatically. A boy with blue/green/teal/people-can-never-decide-on-this colored hair ran up. He wore orange. He attacked the data bug but it hurt him bad and he fell to the ground and he couldn't move. "Help!" he screamed. He looked at Rana and thought that at least as he died he would get to look at the most beautiful girl in the world.

"I'll save you!" said Rana. She was very brave. She attacked the monster, but it didn't work. Then she remembered that Aura, whose name she suddenly knew because of her blah blah blah hotness, had said to data drain. Rana data drained using her new necklace. Luckily, this was the equivalent of tightening a noose around her neck and pulling her into the air with it. She choked and Balmung and Kite and Elk and Sora and the hot people were sad.

Meanwhile, Uber Flare gave Aura a high-five and congratulated her on having exterminated another Mary-Sue.

Another Note: Maybe I'll write more. There's many types of Mary-Sues. And if your story looks like this, don't be sad. I once had a Mary-Sue that was helping save the world and was a hero. Eons ago. Just give her flaws. Give her a pimple or a mole, make her hair wiry, or do something so she's not a supermodel. Make her bite her nails or whine or never do any work. Give other characters a chance at the spotlight. You can do it.

And not every character is a Mary-Sue.