"Losing the War"

by darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki.

Mild SLASH Warning. Rated T.

Sanzo is afraid that he has already lost the war for Goku's heart.

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I think he's beginning to hate me.

I don't know why I think that. Maybe it's the look in his eyes. The monkey has never been able to hide anything from me, but there are new shadows there… and for once I am truly afraid to know what I'll find in those golden depths.

I don't want to see how much resentment is lurking there, just behind that thin façade he's been maintaining. I don't want to know that it's directed at me, that I put those feelings in his eyes and in his heart.

I don't want to see myself through his eyes anymore. I don't want to hate myself like that.

Why did I let things go this far? How did I wind up loving someone again? I tried so hard not to care about anything at all, and yet….

I don't know what to do. I don't have the words he wants- no… needs- to hear. But I can't save myself with cheap gestures. He'll see right through them. I have to mean it, and I don't know if I have that capability in me anymore. I closed that part of myself off so long ago…. How can I release it again? Is it even still there? Can the ability to love die if you don't use and sustain it?

All I have are questions without answers, because I'm too much of a damn fool and a coward to try.

And where does that leave Goku? I always knew that one day he would need more than I was willing to give. I just didn't think that I'd ever want to show him love. Now that I do, I find I'm incapable.

How ironic that is… how fitting.

But that leaves Goku in a bad situation. I don't blame him for being upset with me for creating it and leaving him there to find his own way out of it. I've caused him a great deal of pain in the years we've known each other, I guess.

But I don't want him to leave. I don't even remember how to live without him anymore. He's become something in my life that I can rely on, something unchanging and steady… someone I can trust completely… but not now.

I've seen his darkness haunting him. I know he's been hiding it from me… but is he doing it for me or for him? Could it be possible he still loves me somewhere deep in that monkey's heart of his?

It's too much to hope for and a futile thought, at best. Even if he does harbor any measure of feelings for me, even now, I can never change what's going to happen because I can't change myself. I will go on as I have always done and he will grow tired enough to leave… whether he loves me or not.

And I will lose the war again… for good.

And I will hate myself all the more.