"When Words Fail"
By DarkCyradis
Edited 4.21.05
Disclaimer: I do not own Soukyuu no Fafner or any of its wonderful characters. This is a fan work.
Notes: A bit AU because I have no idea how Soushi could have ended up where he is in this fic. Mildly hinted spoilers for end of anime series. Shounen-ai SouKazu.
"…but this pure and more inbred desire of joining to itself in conjugal fellowship a fit conversing soul (which desire is properly called love) 'is stronger than death'…" –Milton, Doctrine and Discipline of Divorce
"It's the moments when I lose all speech that I'm the happiest" --"Automatic" by Hikaru Utada
He watched the glass slide up, up, all the way to the top, settling with an ominous, final-sounding jolt into the sockets that were designed to lock it into place. Glancing around him, Soushi was a bit surprised at how narrow the space actually was; from the outside, it had always seemed spacious for a tank. Then again, he was significantly larger than Tsubaki, he reminded himself; the tank was bound to press in closer on him.
Toomi-sensei was at the main control panel, her mouth drawn and her brow lowered sternly over eyes that were threatening to overflow. Her hands, however, were steady as she typed in whatever access codes and commands were needed to reactivate the Core's functions. Soushi's eyes moved away from her and traveled around to the various people standing in bunches here and there about the room. Most of them seemed to be concentrating their eyes on Toomi-sensei; whether it was to ensure that she would not hesitate or sabotage the procedure, or because they wanted to avoid Soushi's gaze, he wasn't sure.
His eyes came, at last, to rest on Kazuki. He was making no pretense about avoiding looking at Soushi, staring straight at the ground before him, a frown creasing his brow. He looked so unusually grim and severe, so untypically reserved of emotion. He had always been such an honest person, so genuine and sincere. Soushi wondered again at how surprisingly little he'd actually known about the person he'd thought he'd understood best in the world. The stinging words, the angry eyes came back to him.
"You don't care about me! You don't care about anyone! And I don't want to have to take it anymore, I hate the way you control me and my feelings and everything I do! I want to be free from you!"
Free from me? Soushi thought. Had he been so suffocating? Not for a lover, he thought. But, of course, if Kazuki hadn't felt the same for him as he'd felt for Kazuki, then he could see how being constantly sought out and followed around these past few months might have seemed suffocating. Soushi smiled a tiny, wry smile. How had he been so wrong? Or, perhaps more appropriately, how had he been so stupid? How could he think that Kazukiof all people, could actually love someone with soul and hands as sullied as Soushi's? Toomi, Canon—half the females on the island were madly in love with Kazuki—he could have, almost literally, whomever he wanted. How on earth had Soushi been so arrogant as to think that Kazuki would choose ugly, maimed, awkward, sinful, dirty him over all the sweet, pure, female contenders for his heart?
I should be thankful I can make it up to him like this, Soushi thought, letting his eyes travel up and around the glass tank again. In all honesty, though, he couldn't stop from feeling a bit afraid. He was alone again, which he hated and always had, but that was endurable. What really saddened and scared him was that he didn't know what lay beyond—he would have no control any longer over what was around him, no ability to make things right, to be around to ensure that everything was okay. He did, however, trust that his unconscious mind would probably be competent enough to do the Core's job well—he knew his desire to protect the island and its inhabitants (and one in particular) was genuine.
Really, this was for the best; in a way, this was the ultimate fulfilling of his duty to protect the island—it couldn't survive without a Core, after all—and who better than him to do it? He had no family, no friends—no lover, either, apparently, he thought, unable to suppress the brief twinge of bitterness that flared across his mind at the thought. Better still, he already knew most of the island and its secret caches, and had at least some training in just about every major system that controlled Alvis's various functions. Once again, here was something only he could do, he thought with a bit of wry mirth. It seemed such things never brought him anything but further opportunities to heap alienation and dislike upon himself. But maybe Kazuki, at least, would think kindly on him again since he would be useful to him and to the protection of his happy life on Tatsumiya Island once more.
This is really best, Soushi thought, his eyes again on Kazuki, wishing he would look over at him. He didn't care what the expression on Kazuki's face would be—disgust or anger or blankness—he just wanted to see that familiar, still-dear face again, even knowing that those eyes would look upon him with dislike.
"Kazuki," he called after a moment. He could instantly feel everyone looking at him, but he ignored the rest, focusing only on his former lover. "Would you come here?"
He saw the sudden stiffness in Kazuki's shoulders, the deepened frown and the troubled eyes that had quickly averted themselves again after the two seconds they had turned on Soushi, automatically responding to the call of his name. Kazuki stood there, hesitation and unhappiness stamped on every part of him, but his father murmured something and Kazuki slowly nodded. When he took a step toward the tank, Soushi's heart made a small leap; he'd known his request was unreasonable on all sides, but now wasn't the time to hold back. He'd accumulated more regrets than he would have thought possible in his short life, and even if he was being selfish, he wanted, at least, these last moments of his to be lived fully.
"Wh-what?" Kazuki mumbled, eyes averted, as he came to a stop on the top step outside the tank. He looked like he was bracing himself for a fight. Perhaps he expected a rebuke? For what? Soushi thought. It wasn't Kazuki's fault if he didn't return Soushi's feelings—in fact, Soushi felt he was rather the one in the wrong for having taken advantage of Kazuki's kindness, forcing him into a lover's role that he now sadly realized Kazuki had never wanted.
Soushi looked earnestly into Kazuki's face, eyes carefully covering and memorizing every bit of it. Perhaps he should be angry or hurt or bitter, but what was the use of all that? Pretense and pride and whatever else was pointless now; he was in his last moments on earth and if he wanted to see Kazuki's face again, he could swallow his pride and ask for it. He wanted to be honest now, having been so so little during his life. Maybe Kazuki would be crying for me now if I had been, he thought briefly, but pushed all regrets out of his mind.
"Nothing," Soushi said in reply to Kazuki's question. "I just wanted to see your face."
The frown in Kazuki's brow deepened and he glanced briefly up at him then away again. Soushi suddenly wanted to resume their last conversation, to ask him if he was angry, and why he hadn't just told him before that he didn't love him. Soushi would have respected his wishes and backed off, and perhaps then, he wouldn't have hastily surrendered his life so easily like this.
However, all thoughts of his former life and struggles were interrupted just then by a loud, liquid gurgle, and suddenly the grates at the bottom of the tank were overflowing with a gooey, red liquid. It was cold as it climbed up around Soushi's bare ankles and clung to his skin in a thick, unsavory way. He knew it was oxidized and would allow his body to keep breathing even after it filled his lungs, but he imagined it would be painful as it slid into them for the first time. He wondered if Tsubaki had had these same feelings of anxiety when she'd returned to the tank.
Deciding it was probably best just to let the goo run its own course and concentrate on more important things, Soushi looked back at Kazuki and found him also staring, mesmerized, at the thick, red liquid. He looked genuinely appalled and Soushi felt some measure of satisfaction thinking that Kazuki still cared about him somewhat—even if it was just as one human being empathizing with another's mortal plight. Kazuki's eyes were alive again, transmitting emotion as they usually did (even if not at him), and Soushi took the opportunity to soak in that compassionate face which looked much more like his usual Kazuki than the one who'd been yelling and glaring at him before.
Perhaps sensing Soushi's gaze on him, Kazuki finally raised his face to look at him and their eyes met and locked. Soushi was pleasantly surprised to find again that instant, familiar, fathomless connection, the engulfing, the drowning in those lucid, brown eyes that he had known so well. It felt very comfortable and familiar amidst all the alien experiences he'd had in the last few hours, and it soothed him. Like when he used to stroke my hair, Soushi's mind thought idly, allowing itself to conjure up one of his favorite memories with Kazuki. Who cared if it had all been lies and he was still fooling himself now? It had been Kazuki and it had been wonderful.
Soushi held that gaze for a long moment, savoring the sudden immediacy and sense of Kazuki around him, the beloved presence that always made his heart beat faster and the world seem brighter. He focused on those eyes, blocking all else out, and felt his spirits rise, just as they always did whenever he was with Kazuki and Kazuki was looking deeply into his eyes like this, or smiling at him in that heart-melting way. It recalled to him so many sunny days spent together along the shoreline or in the cool, shaded forests. In particular, Soushi suddenly recalled the big birch tree that had a small brook flowing by it. It was in a secluded place, high up in the foothills of Tatsumiya where they often went hiking together. It had been where they had made love for the first time.
But that unhappy brow, those opaque eyes—this was not the Kazuki of that memory, Soushi realized, recalled abruptly to the current situation he was in. He glanced down and was surprised to find that the gel was already midway up his torso. This is it, he thought, and looked back up into Kazuki's face. How he wished his lover didn't look so troubled; this was, after all, going to be the last he'd get to see of Kazuki and he wanted the last impression to be a happy one. He hesitated only a moment before asking.
"Would… would you smile for me?" he asked, pressing a little closer toward the glass. "Like before?" Even if it was a false smile, perhaps it would encourage the happy memories of Kazuki to fill his vision in his last moments of consciousness. He would happily lose himself in those for all time, he thought, and looked hopefully down at his lover. But Kazuki simply stared dumbly back at him, making no response to his words. Surely, Kazuki could afford him this much, Soushi thought, and tried to explain himself further.
"If… if, wherever I'm going, I'll be able to dream…" he said, his words slow, unsure, "I was hoping… I'd be able to dream of you if I was looking at your face at the last moment. If… if you could just smile a little, like you used to… maybe—"
He cut off in surprise as Kazuki's face suddenly crumpled and tears came pouring down his cheeks. He turned such an imploring gaze of hurt, misery, and helplessness up at Soushi that Soushi was instantly transported back to the first days of the war. He remembered how frightened Kazuki had been back then, how confused; he'd had only Soushi to lean on then, to help him through the terrifying battles and the upending of the entire, peaceful world he'd known. That helplessness and that implicit trust that filled Kazuki's eyes when he looked to Soushi for help made his heart twist painfully now as much as it always had, and Soushi reached out immediately to comfort him and reassure him that they would find a way to solve the problem. Having forgotten completely where and when he was, he was quite surprised when his hand smacked unceremoniously into the glass of the tank surrounding him.
The amount of shock and confusion he felt was surprising as well; he had been transported so completely that the reality of what had happened and how things were with Kazuki now hit him like a sharp slap in the face or a splash of icy water. The sudden despair that bore down on his heart was overpowering; all that—all those memories, those times spent together—they had all been a fool's dream. Kazuki didn't love him.
Soushi stared miserably at his own hand, completely enveloped in the suffocating, red liquid, listlessly fingering the thick glass trapping him. I'm going to die and Kazuki hates me. Soushi couldn't recall or imagine a more perfect and complete misery than this. Perhaps I've already died and gone to Hell, Soushi thought. Yes, surely it had all been a dream to make this moment hurt even more than it would have. There's no way Kazuki could have loved me. He let his fingers slide against the solid glass, wondering if this was real at all, and started in surprise when another hand pressed onto the glass against his.
He looked up and found Kazuki looking desperately up into his eyes, tears still streaming down his face. And Soushi saw suddenly that it was the old Kazuki's eyes again—the warm, emotion-filled, open eyes that sought him and spoke to him and smiled at him. Soushi felt his entire being lift—his heart, his brow, his mouth—and he eagerly pressed his hand against Kazuki's as well, wishing he could touch him, wishing he could feel the warmth of it, the smooth skin, and the strong fingers that used to wrap securely around his.
He does love me! The wild thought flooded Soushi's brain; whether he was just being foolish or overly hopeful or whatever else didn't matter anymore—it was Kazuki again, his Kazuki, the Kazuki who held him and loved him and said he wanted to be with him always.
He opened his mouth to call to his lover but had barely gotten "Kazu—" out when the rapidly rising liquid reached his mouth and nose. He gasped and choked for just a second before his eyes closed and he slid limply into the thick liquid. The goo slid quickly inside his body, filling him, invading him, and at last occupying every last bit of him. His ears, stopped and thick with the horrible gel, could not hear the desperate pounding on the glass or the screams of his lover as he was dragged away from him. What he could hear, though—muffled at first but then increasingly clearer— was a soft murmuring, as that of a small trickle of water flitting lightly over smooth-worn rocks.
Soushi blinked slowly in the clear light. His shoulders were bare; he could feel the long, soft strands of his hair brushing along them and down to the sensitive small of his back. His hands were cold and clean with the brook water, chilled a bit by a cooling breeze that nipped softly along his bare torso and thighs. He shivered a bit, wondering how he'd gotten outside, when he felt a very warm, solid touch slide around his arms and chest. He turned to find a familiar sight: Kazuki, eyes tender and melty, bare skin still flushed and warm, holding him from behind. His sun-warmed hair felt smooth against Soushi's cheek as he leaned in to nuzzle him, smiling his sleepy, contented smile.
"Let's not go yet," he murmured. "Come back and lie with me awhile?"
Soushi smiled and felt words pour fluidly from his mouth as though they were lines from a play. "I was just washing my hands. They were a bit sticky." He turned around, still encircled in Kazuki's arms, and wrapped his own arms around his lover. "I wouldn't leave you."
"Good," Kazuki said, pressing their lips together. He pulled back and, taking both of Soushi's hands in his, he drew them back toward the blanket they'd laid out beneath the birch tree. Everything was suffused, somehow, with a sense of déjà vu that Soushi couldn't quite understand, but he was in no mood to question as he nestled his head on Kazuki's chest and felt his lover's arms settle comfortably around him. They lay like that in the midst of the warm day, a quiet breeze carrying the scent of dewy grass to them.
"I love you, Soushi," Kazuki said suddenly, his voice cutting through the tranquil stillness of their surroundings. "Really." He turned his head to look into Soushi's face, and Soushi looked back, straight, unflinchingly, into those warm, brown eyes and felt as though he was truly looking at them for the first time. "I love you." He heard the words, felt the vibrations of the voice against his chest and, he realized with surprise—he could see them, almost, deep in those eyes. Not in any clear image or letter, but in feeling, real emotion that somehow transcended the words.
He'd heard those words many times before; Kazuki had even sprung them on him the very day he had returned to the island. And yet, this was the first time Soushi had felt the meaning of those words resonate so deeply within him like this. Or perhaps, it was the first time he had let them, never daring before to believe in them for fear of falling too far before they would inevitably, he thought, be withdrawn from him. But now he found that he was not afraid any longer; the understanding dawned in him, illuminating and then warming, that there was nothing to fear. He understood and accepted fully, for the first time, the Paradise that was being offered to him.
"I know, Kazuki," he whispered, and let the first tear he'd ever shown Kazuki overflow his eyes.
"Soushi…!"
Soushi covered his lover's lips softly with one hand as he leaned over him, his heart finally finding its way through his eyes to the one that resonated with it. He held his lover's gaze and shaped the words, from the very depths of his heart, "I love you, too, Kazuki."
But it was odd; the words—these words, that held the very weight of his soul—were so tiny. They evaporated instantly into the air around them like bubbles, light and fleeting. That wasn't how I meant it, he thought, and tried again. "I love you." Again, the words flitted away as light as butterflies, and Soushi turned puzzled, helpless eyes on his lover. How do you say it? he wanted to ask and felt very foolish for not even being able to express something as important as this to the person who meant most to him in the world.
His hand had still been resting over Kazuki's mouth, and his lover pulled it away suddenly, smiling a full, happy, beautiful smile.
"I know, Soushi," he said, and Soushi felt the most indescribable relief wash over him. Just three words, but they set his suddenly frightened, anxious heart completely at ease. Kazuki did understand how much he meant to him, and for some reason, that meant everything to Soushi just then. He wondered if this was what Kazuki had been trying to make him hear and understand all this time and turned a look of both profound apology and gratitude on him. He found there in Kazuki's answering gaze a perfect understanding that filled him with unspeakable satisfaction and security. They lay like that for a long while, without words and without need of words, having found themselves back in a Paradise where souls met and spoke as words could never do, a Paradise long lost and sought, with room just enough for two.
Owari
Sorry if that didn't make a lot of sense... it's so random, but once it started flowing, I couldn't stop it or ask my muse what the heck she was thinking... ;;; Gomen, but I hope you guys enjoyed it. Also-- see? I can't write non-fluff! (wah, it did get kinda sweet again at the end, though... sigh). Please leave a review!