Ho!Mione Grunger and the Liek TOTALLY Original Plotline!

By Cyberwulf

Rated 12s (T)

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to JK Rowling. I will earn no money from these quaint meanderings.

Summary: Liek, 'Mia comes back to hogwars one September and is liek TOTALLY different and has her heart set on a special someone!111 how will the others react?wait and see!1111 if u dont like DONT READ U MEANIEEEES!11111 i'll only write more if i get enuff REVIEWS!111111

Feedback: Flame away, I don't care.

Ho!Mione Grunger slutted her way down the corridor in her grey and pink Converse high tops, fishnet stockings (one on each arm), jelly bracelets and other miscellaneous 'Goth' gear. She was very proud of her new outfit, for which she had laid down well over 1000 dollars, bling bling. Not to mention her waaay kewl new dye job, purple and blue hair, WORD, which was sure to turn a few heads.

" Hey, Fred 'n' George," she purred in her sluttiest voice, batting her eyelashes at the Weasley twins.

" Uh, Hermione? I'm Ron."

" Oh." Ho!Mione peered at Ron through her ridiculously heavy mascara. Ah well, she was still a teenage girl, and as we all know, the only thing teenage girls care about is flinging themselves at teenage boys. Ron squirmed in dismay as Ho!Mione rubbed up against him.

" Hermione, what's the matter with you?"

" Silly rabbit," Ho!Mione drawled, ripping off her favourite movie, Cruel Intentions (which probably hadn't even been made yet), " everyone calls me 'Mia' now." She loved to tease Ron, for she was a bad girl, out for a bad time (even though she was barely fourteen). She wiggled her arse 'seductively', then sashayed off up the corridor.

" Ron!" Harry said, appearing from nowhere, because continuity gets in the way of Ho!Mione's hilariously hawt and slutty ways. " Was that Hermione?"

Ron shook his head, still shaking. " No WAY was that Hermione."

Ho!Mione continued down the corridor, having changed direction for no reason, winking at the boys and wondering which bad, bad male character she should attempt to seduce first. Draco or Snape, Draco or Snape...Draco was always calling her "mudblood" (the HPverse equivalent of "nigger") and as everyone knows, hate love! On the other hand, Professor Snape was clearly a deeply troubled soul with a sensitive side that would surely emerge if only the right person could melt his icy heart...

" Miss Granger!"

Ho!Mione squinted through the goop all over her eyelashes at Professor McGonagall.

" What are you doing out of uniform?" the Transfigurations Professor demanded. "And with poster paint all over your face?"

Ho!Mione was taken by surprise – after all, very few schools have uniforms in the States.

" Ten points from Gryffindor," McGonagall said sternly. She waved her wand and changed Ho!Mione's hair back to its usual colour. " Now go and make yourself presentable at once!"

Ho!Mione flounced away in a snit. She considered disobeying, but then decided to do as she was told, as it would give her something to sulk – I mean, angst about for the rest of the day. In defiance, she left on one fishnet stocking and brought a fresh batch of makeup with her. After all, she would have to look her best for her darling Snapeykins.

After tarting herself up, Ho!Mione left the girls' bathroom and sashayed up the corridor towards her Potions class. On her way she noticed Draco Malfoy, tripping first years and sniggering about it with his minions, Crabbe and Goyle. Ho!Mione paused and gazed at Draco, letting out a sigh of longing. With his white-blonde hair, pointy ferret face, and mouth permanently twisted in a nasty sneer, he was everything a girl could want. Ho!Mione made her way towards him, stepping over a tangled mass of Ravenclaws on the way.

" Hey, Cool Guy."

Draco looked her up and down, lip curling in disgust.

" Push off Granger, you filthy mud-blood."

Ho!Mione tittered 'cutely', then elbowed Crabbe out of the way and rubbed up against Draco.

" Oh I know you don't mean that, Drakie," she simpered.

Draco let out a yell and jumped away. " Ugh! Mud-blood germs!"

Undeterred, Ho!Mione grabbed Draco's hand and flung herself on him.

" Kiss me, you sexy Slytherin prince," she breathed huskily, having a good grope of his arse while she was at it.

" Gerroff!" Draco shouted. He pulled away and gave Ho!Mione a shove. " Don't you ever touch me, you revolting half-breed! You shouldn't exist, there ought to be a law against you! Both your parents should be sterilised before they have another vile travesty of nature!"

Ho!Mione's blood-red ruby coral lips quivered ever so slightly.

" Oh yeah?" she managed at last. " Well I prefer older men anyway!" She stuck out her tongue, then turned on her heel and marched off to her Potions class, and the hunk of studliness teaching therein.

Ho!Mione took her usual place near the back of the class (where the cool kids always sit) and gazed dreamily at her hook-nosed, sallow-skinned, greasy-haired teacher. She dropped her head and idly doodled a lean, muscular, nearly naked Professor Snape (complete with large bulge at the front of his boxer shorts) on whatever the Hogwarts equivalent of a notebook is, letting Snape's voice wash gently over her like a –

" Miss Granger!"

Ho!Mione started as Professor Snape slammed a textbook down on her desk. " Ten points from Gryffindor for daydreaming." His gaze fell on her notebook. Before Ho!Mione could hide it, he picked it up.

" 'Mia and Sevvie four eva'," he read loudly. " 'I love Snape; he is the hot; I want two have his babies; ten inches, arrow, loveheart; I love, I love.'" Snape regarded the drawing for a few moments. "And in addition to being a cunning linguist, class, Miss Granger is also a gifted artist," he said sarcastically, then held up the picture for the whole class to see. As the other students struggled not to laugh, Snape made the notebook disappear. He leaned down and glared at her. " Fifty points from Gryffindor for scribbling while I'm talking!" He straightened up. " And stop smirking, Malfoy!"

Ho!Mione sighed dreamily as Snape returned to the top of the classroom. A few flecks of his spit had landed on her cheek! She'd never wash her face again.

Harry waited until Professor Snape was firing questions at a student on the other side of the room, then twisted around in his seat to talk to his friend.

" Hermione –"

" Forget it, Harry," Ho!Mione whispered back, flipping her hair in a world-weary manner. " You're too immature to understand."

Ron turned round to join the conversation. " I understand you've gone bananas."

" Twenty points from Gryffindor for talking, Mr. Weasley."

" Don't worry, guys," Ho!Mione said, stretching lazily. She smiled a secret smile (that they could somehow see). " I think I can get him to give us those points back...plus a little extra."

A look of horror crossed Ron's face and he let out a strangled scream.

" Who made that noise?"

When class was over, Ho!Mione waited until the other students had left, then opened another of her shirt buttons and approached her dour Potions master. Snape barely looked up from the papers he was shuffling.

" Get to class, Miss Granger, unless you want to lose your house more points by being late."

Ho!Mione twirled her hair vacuously around her finger.

" Don't you want me to stay behind?" she said in what she imagined was a seductive growl. " As punishment for being...bad?"

Snape gave her a withering look.

" You've already been punished, Miss Granger," he replied. " All of Gryffindor has been punished for your behaviour this morning." He leaned towards her. " Would you like to lose them some more points?"

" Actually," Ho!Mione purred, running her finger up Snape's chest, " I'd like to win some back."

Snape jumped back as if stung. " WHAT?"

Going for 'saucy', Ho!Mione gave him a smile, then pointed her wand at the door, which swung shut and then locked. She turned back and gazed hungrily up at Snape, who was now beyond livid and on his way to incandescent rage.

" Just what is the meaning of this?"

" Silly chipmunk," Ho!Mione purred, putting her arms around his neck and squirming against him, " this is the part where we have sex on your desk." Before Snape could react, Ho!Mione thrust her hand between his legs and squeezed.

The resulting roar could be heard as far as the Hufflepuff badger enclosure.

" ONE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

Terrified students scrambled out of Professor Snape's way as he stalked down the corridor, with Ho!Mione's arm in a vice grip.

" Ooh, Sevvie," Ho!Mione gushed, snuggling up against him, " are we going back to your lavishly decorated private apartments to have hot, steamy sex on your emerald green silk sheets?"

Snape halted and pried Ho!Mione off him.

" We are going to the Headmaster's office," he snarled savagely, " where you are going to explain your completely unacceptable behaviour." He set off again, hauling Ho!Mione with him.

" What?" Ho!Mione asked, tears welling up in her chocolate emerald sapphire topaz eyes. She tried to stop so that she could stand looking tearfully after her beloved, and nearly fell over instead. " You – you don't love me? It all means nothing?" Snape growled impatiently and didn't look at her. Ho!Mione rooted in her stylish Hello Kitty backpack with her free hand and produced a razor blade. " Well now I'm going to slash my wrists, and you'll be sorry then! You'll be sorry when I'm dead!" She brought the blade up to her other arm, stumbled, and nicked herself. " Ow! Oh, God that hurts! Oh, Jesus!"

Professor Dumbledore barely looked up as the door of his office flew open and banged against the wall.

" Yes, Professor Snape?"

The Potions Master was almost frothing at the mouth. He hoisted Ho!Mione into view.

" This... creature," he spluttered angrily. " Her insolence..." He searched for an appropriate word. " ...breathtaking! I demand she be expelled immediately!"

Dumbledore peered at Ho!Mione, who had abandoned her attempts at para-suicide and was now listening to her chronologically impossible Evanescence CD.

" Calm down, Severus," he said. " What exactly did she do?"

Snape grimaced as though he were swallowing a lemon, attempted to compose himself, then murmured something in Dumbledore's ear.

" Gracious me," Dumbledore remarked, raising his eyebrows. He cleared his throat and rapped gently on his desk. " Excuse me, young lady." Ho!Mione took out one of her earphones and eyed Dumbledore sulkily. The Headmaster smiled at her. "Could you tell me who you are?"

Ho!Mione rolled her eyes and gave an impatient sigh.

" Uh, hello? DumbleBORE? I'm Hermione Granger." She folded her arms. " You know, the smartest kid in school? You just don't recognise me because I got this totally wicked makeover in the summer, so now I'm like waaay cool." She tossed her hair and held her hand out in front of her, palm vertical. " All the boys wish they could have me, but they can't handle my sassy ways."

" I see," Dumbledore mused. He got up from behind his desk. " Please come with me."

Ho!Mione snorted in contempt. " Huh! As IF."

" Professor Snape, would you be so kind...?"

Snape glared down at Ho!Mione, mouth twitching upwards briefly in a horrible smirk. " My pleasure." He grabbed Ho!Mione by her collar and pushed her after Dumbledore.

The headmaster strode briskly down the corridors of Hogwarts towards the school library, with Ho!Mione loudly grumbling about being shoved around. She liked it rough, but not this way.

" What's the big idea, Dumbledoofus?" she bawled. " Don't you know who I am?"

" Oh, I know who you are," Dumbledore replied.

Ho!Mione twisted round and glared up at Professor Snape. " And you! I don't like you any more. You're obviously not man enough for me. You coulda had me. We coulda done the whole 'surprisingly soft black hair, green silk boxers pooling around his ankles, wiry, muscular body' thing. But not now, buster! Not now, and not ever!"

" Suits me," Snape growled, making a note to hunt down and destroy his evil twin, Studlius, as soon as possible.

Dumbledore halted at the entrance to the library.

" You see, Miss Granger," he said, turning to Ho!Mione, " I'm afraid I can't accept that you are who you say you are." He opened the door and shepherded Snape and Ho!Mione inside.

Hermione Granger was sitting at a table, with several textbooks piled to one side of her. She looked up as the trio approached. Her eyes widened on seeing Ho!Mione.

" Who are you?"

" Hermione Granger has been here in the library all morning," Dumbledore told Ho!Mione, " doing some extra credit work."

" Uh..." Ho!Mione looked nervously from left to right. " She... she's an impostor! Yeah, that's right, an impostor!"

Utterly unnerved by the situation, Hermione looked from one teacher to the other, then back at Ho!Mione, who was struggling to come up with more crazy lies. "Professor Dumbledore, what's going on?"

" Don't worry," Dumbledore assured her. He gestured to Snape to step back a little, then waved his wand.

A cascade of water poured down over Ho!Mione. She screamed as her skin began to melt. Snape recoiled and Hermione covered her eyes with her hands.

" What did you do?" she asked.

" Watch," Dumbledore told her.

Hermione peered through her fingers at her doppelganger. Ho!Mione's face and clothes sagged and then slid to the floor, revealing a strange girl in jeans and a tube top.

" Just as I suspected," Dumbledore remarked, nudging the grey mush at the girl's feet with the toe of his shoe. " Nothing more than a Mary Sue in a cheap, cardboard Hermione costume."

" NOOO!" screeched the Mary Sue. She stamped her foot. " S'not fair! All I wanted was to come here and have everyone instantly love me, and tell off Ron, cos he's the Stoopid, and lay Drakie and Sevvie, but nooo!" She pointed a varnish-stained finger at the trio. " You meanies ruined all my fun! And I'm not a Mary Sue!" She threw herself on the floor and kicked her legs. " I'm not! I'm not! I'm gonna go kill myself now because of you MEANIES!"

" Yes, that's quite enough of that," Dumbledore declared. He levitated the Sue, who was rooting in her backpack for another razorblade, brought her to the front door, and dumped her unceremoniously outside.

" I'll be back!" the Sue screamed. " As soon as one teenager gets sense, another one turns thirteen and joins fanfictionnet! You can't keep me out forever!"

The great door swung shut. Dumbledore, Snape and Hermione all breathed a sigh of relief.

" Thank heavens that's over," Hermione remarked.

" 'Sup, Granger."

Hermione, Dumbledore and Snape all turned. Draco Malfoy was leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets, a jaunty grin on his face.

" What do you want?" Hermione growled.

Draco gave a warm smile that lit up his azure sapphire cornflower eyes.

" Just wanted to tell you how pretty you look," he said.

" Oh yeah?" Hermione said fiercely. " Just come over here and say tha-WHAT?"

" Yeah," Draco said sheepishly, looking at the ground. " I'm sorry about all that mud-blood stuff. It's just – my dad..." He paused dramatically in order to imply years of child abuse. "...he wouldn't understand. I actually really, really like you." He grabbed her round the waist and puckered up. "C'mon, give us a kiss!"

" Gyahh!"

Dumbledore and Snape looked at each other.

" Here we go again!"