Disclaimer: No own.
A/N- It's been a long time. This chapter is pure ridiculousness. Don't worry, better ones are on their way. I just needed a little jumpstart of insanity.
Ginny was out by the lake ranting about what a complete tart she was when Harry came up behind her.
"-such an idiot! They are the most ridiculous boys in all of Hogwarts and OF COURSE I have to play a little game because of a FUCKING DREAM I had! I can't believe myself!! ARGGGGH!!!" Ginny yelled into the air.
"What kind of dream?" Harry asked.
Ginny whipped around so fast that she fell down into a conveniently-placed accumulation of mud. "AAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, hitting the ground over and over again for emphasis. Harry edged away. Ginny rolled around in the mud, covered her face with her hands, and began shrieking continuously like a banshee. Harry turned around and ran.
After a couple hours of that, Ginny grew tired and fell asleep.
"Well, well, well..." a voice said. Ginny blearily opened her eyes. "What do we have here?" She found herself lying in a bed of mud with the water of the lake lapping up next to her. Her eyes scanned the area around her for the owner of the voice. Suddenly someone leaned into her line of vision. "Looking for me?" Draco asked. He had ink smudges all over his face.
Ginny slowly sat up, having to pry herself from the dried mud. "What do you want, Malfoy?" she asked, looking fairly uninterested.
"I would like some cake," he said. When she didn't respond, he shouted, "SOME CAKE, WOMAN!"
"I am not a woman!" Ginny sobbed. Draco looked aghast and vomited every so gently onto the ground. Ginny stood up. "SO NOW WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?" she cried, smearing mud all over her face as she tried to wipe the tears off her face.
"Does this mean you aren't a lesbian?" Draco asked timidly. ".. because... you're... A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ginny grabbed his ears, shoved him to the ground, kicked him in the balls, and spit on him. "I'M NOT A MAN! I'M NOT A LESBIAN! AND I DO NOT LOVE MY BROTHER!!" she screeched.
"Ginny!" Ron cried from behind the nearest rock. "How could you say that!?" He tore off towards Hogwarts, weeping as he went.
"Ron!" Ginny called after him. She started to pursue him, but tripped on Draco and was launched into the lake. "AGH! AGH!!" she screamed. "The montrous beast is going to devour me!" She slipped under the waves and then came back up again. "Help... me...!" she cried, before slipping under the water for the last time.
"GIIIIIIIIINNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco yelled in anguish, arms outstretched towards the sky. "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!" He then got to his feet and chased after Ron.
"Choose, Hermione," Harry was saying. "Choose- Harry, Draco, or me!"
Hermione looked concerned and tried to leave. Draco blocked her way. "Yeah, Hermione, choose!" he persisted. "Me or Draco?"
Hermione hugged her books anxiously. "I'm sorry, boys, but I don't have the faintest interest in either of you," she told them.
"Does this mean you're a lesbian?" Draco asked, looking hurt.
"No..." Hermione said, though looking a little guilty.
"OH MY GOD!" Harry cried. "You're in love with my sister!"
"I..." Hermione seemed at a loss for words. "No... I.. well... ARGH!!!!!!" She pushed the two looming boys aside and fled from the room.
They were about to chase after her when someone blocked their path. Whatever it was, it was covered in mud and plants and dripping wet. "Who are you?" Harry asked, grabbing his wand.
"Ugh," Draco belched, "do that somewhere private, Potter."
Harry took his hand back out of his pants and blushed.
"So, you thought you could be rid of me that easily, did you?" the creature gargled. It put a hand to its face and wiped off the mud to reveal... GINNY WEASLEY!
"Ron!" Harry cried, rushing forward to embrace Ron. "I had thought we'd lost you!"
"How could you?" cried Ron from behind the blackboard. "I'm your best friend!" He ran sobbing from the room.
"Unfortunately for you," Ginny said, extricating herself from Harry's embrace, "I LIVE!"
A crowd of students ran by the classroom and someone yelled, "Granger and Weasley are making out!!!!!!"
Draco put his hand to his mouth in shock. "I knew it!" he yelled. "I knew Hermione never cared for me! All along she was in love with Ginny! WHY WOULD SHE LIE!! OH WHY?????"
"I feel so..." Harry started, his hand gripping his heart like he'd been shot... "used..."
"Oh come on, Potter, like you ne-"
"SHUT UP!!!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!" Ginny screeched. "I HAVE RISEN FROM THE DEAD TO HAVE MY REVENGE UPON THOSE WHO HAVE TORMENTED ME!!!!"
Harry looked shocked. "Use your inside voice!" he yelled.
"Yeah, really," Draco agreed. "You nearly blew out my eardrum."
Harry turned to Draco and grinned sheepishly. "Do you want to go watch?" he asked, wringing his hands.
Draco shrugged. "Who can resist girl-on-girl action?" he stated. He and Harry linked arms and left the room, skipping around Ginny.
Ginny took out her wand and waved it at herself. All the mud and grime disappeared and revealed a perfectly healthy looking young lady. "That SO did not go according to plan!" she huffed. "That didn't even contain any sensible plot! I'm going to lose my readers!"
Snape, who had been watching all of this from his desk, sneered at Ginny. "Poor disturbed, girl.." he lamented.
"NO!" Ginny protested. "The Weasleys are the poor ones! Even I know that! And you should know by now that HARRY is the distured one! I'm a Weasley, I'm not disturbed, I'm just poor!" Snape blushed and hid behind his desk. Ginny huffed and raced out of the room.
Ginny sat down to eat at the Gryffindor table. Ron, Harry, and Hermione edged away from her as if she had cooties. Ginny acted like she didn't care and began buttering a biscuit. Someone plopped down next to her just as took her first bite. It was Draco Malfoy.
"Hey," he greeted. "How are you?"
"Um ine," she said, mouth full of biscuit. She glared, hating to be interrupted when eating.
"How am I?" he asked. "Well, thanks for asking. I'm feeling a little down today. You see, my fiancee drowned yesterday. Do you know her? She had long red hair, beautiful green eyes, and legs like you wouldn't believe." Ginny just chewed, staring at him murderously. "I would have died for her, but I'm afraid of deep water... so, I just watched..." he murmered. "Oh my God! It's all my fault!"
Ginny swallowed the bite of biscuit and said, "Draco-"
Draco put up a hand to stop her. "Please, don't try to console me with kind words," he said. "I deserve this misery!" He reached into his robes and pulled out a photograph of Ginny smiling brightly. "Now..." he sighed, "now... this is all I have left of her."
Ginny took it, put it next to her face, and smiled. Draco looked from the picture to Ginny and then back again. Realization dawned. "Ginny!" he cried, launching himself at her. They fell off the bench together. Ginny hit her head against the ground and blacked out.
Harry rushed over. "Malfoy!" he yelled. "Get your hands off my girlfriend!"
Draco looked shocked. "What? She... no, it's not possible... Ginny is..." he muttered.
"Yes, my GIRLFRIEND," Harry affirmed. Draco got up, held his head high, and left the Hall on the last shred of dignity he had left. Harry did a little dance. Hermione and Ron high-fived each other in the face. Ginny maintained her unconsciousness with jaw-dropping eloquence.