It's All Somebody's Fault

Bette paced the hardwood floor of the hall for hours before she mustered up the courage to pick up the phone. It took her another half an hour to dial Alice's house number. She needed to tell Tina, to say what she had on her mind; she needed to know that they had a chance…or even a sliver of a chance to be together again.

Nervously waiting for someone to pick up the phone she continued pacing and quickly hung up when the answering machine picked up. She let out a long shaky sigh and finally resorted to her last option. Tina's cell phone.

Bette felt like crying when her voicemail picked up right away.

"This is Tina Kennard, I'm not available to take your call but feel free to leave a message and I'll make sure to get back to you, thanks."

A few awkward seconds passed after the beep until Bette finally spoke.

"T…Tina, it's me. I really don't know what to say, or how I can begin to make this better. But I need you to know how sorry I am. Our relationship was so vulnerable lately and what I did…it broke us. I broke us. I can't really say why I did what I did because I don't really know why yet. I can spout off a million answers…but I want them to be true. I'm not giving up on us…I…I'm so sorry…"

Bette hung up the phone furious with herself that she started crying. She didn't deserve to cry, she did this and now she has to deal with it. A few days later she decided to try again after not getting a response. Rubbing the bridge of her nose and composing herself she picked up the phone and dialed, again getting the voicemail.

"Hi Tina…it's me again. I haven't heard from you in a few days. I was hoping we could try to talk about this. I know I took our life a smashed it into the ground and maybe I'm a fool to think we can fix it. I let you down, and you have no reason to talk to me…but T. Tina, it's so hard for me to even exist without you. I can't function right and I can't hold on much longer without you. I feel like just giving up, but I won't. I just need to talk to you. You're the only one who gets me…the real me, hopefully we can try…please."

Two weeks later Bette still hadn't heard back from Tina and she was prepared to give up and let go now. So she decided to call her again for one last shot.

"Hey it's Bette…again. This is the last time I'm going to bother you. I…Tina, there's no one in the world like you, you deserve so much more than someone like me. I was dishonest and my actions were inexcusable. But I know that if anyone could help me to change it would be you. You can see through my act, through the bullshit façade of the tough power dyke. If you want though, I will leave you alone, if that what will make you happy; to find someone else, then I wish you the best. I would love to talk with you. Please call me back. I will always love you T…always.

By the end of the call Bette was huddled on the floor with her back against the front door sobbing. The sadness then changed to rage as she hurled the phone and it slammed into the floor and skidded across the kitchen.

She didn't know what to do. It was over. Tina didn't want to make things work. The damage Bette had done was irreversible. Standing up slowly she looked around at what was once her home, but without Tina, it was just a house. Bette couldn't bear the sight of all the knick-knacks and photos they had procured over the years.

Walking over to the couch she passed a picture of the two of them in Philadelphia when they went to visit Bette's aunt for Christmas. They were sitting in the snow, Bette between Tina's legs with Tina's arms around her waist. The sight of Tina's pink nose and cheeks made Bette smile for the first time in weeks.

She put the picture down and looked around. She couldn't stay there. It made her physically sick; everything was a reminder of how much she disgusted herself. If Tina never forgave her…she didn't even want to think about it.

Grabbing her car keys Bette headed out the door giving the place one last look. She wasn't coming back. Unless it was with Tina.