Trust Thyself Only
Rating: K
Spoilers: Just about every episode's Helo/Sharon moments, but especially KLG 2
Summary: Sharon is gone; Sharon was always gone.
Disclaimer: If Battlestar Galactica belonged to me, I'd be quite rich. But I'm not, so it doesn't. The story and the ideas contained within belong to me.
Trust thyself only, and another shall not betray thee. – Thomas Fuller
When he turns around, he tries not to see her. Against the harsh yellow light of radiation mixed with sunlight, she stands out and he can't help it. He sees her and is disgusted with her. He sees her and hates her, loathes her. He wishes her dead. He sees her and he feels the same way about himself. Wishes the same thing.
He thinks of days in the rain, days in the woods, days running through the sewers, running and running until he can barely breathe, but she keeps going. He falls and she pulls him up. They keep going. Days in a barren, lifeless barn, feeling safe for a moment. Days where he can almost forget where he is, what he's doing. Days where he's too exhausted to remember who he is, remember what he's doing. Days where she is the only thing that keeps him going.
That is slowly killing him.
First he couldn't believe, and then he didn't want to. Didn't want to believe that the Lords could be so cruel. He is surprised at that thought. He didn't know he still believes in the Lords. Maybe he did because even though they left him on dying Caprica, they left him Sharon, they let Sharon love him. Now he knows it wasn't the Lords. The Cylons left him on Caprica. The Cylons left him Sharon. The Cylons took Sharon away. Sharon is gone, Sharon was always gone. Sharon was never his. Sharon says she loves him, but that is Cylon programming. Programming and love are not the same thing.
He pretends the Sharon who left on the Raptor was a human and that this Sharon is a clone.
He pretends he doesn't listen when she pretends she is human. She bleeds when she is shot. She shivers in the rain and the cold. She jumps when his shot lands close to her head. None of these are emotions. These are things bodies do when it is necessary or proper for them to do so. Bodies can be programmed. Blood can be made to flow through veins and flow out. The body moves to stay warm. The nerves send out impulses to flee from danger. These are pre-programmed actions. These are the actions of a machine.
His body does these things, but his body does more. He loves, he hurts, he fears. When he is shot, he feels pain. When he is cold and wet, he is miserable. When he is shot at, he ducks in fear or nervousness or shock. He can feel betrayed. He can feel the ache that is the loss of love. He can feel the hole in his heart where Sharon once lived. He can feel the tears prick behind his eyes before they retreat back to where they should be. He does not want to feel any of these things, and yet he wants them more than anything. They are what makes him human. They are what separates him from the machine in front of him.
He is glad to hear the shots firing, the glass breaking, the sounds of someone else inside the museum. He hopes it is a Cylon. A Cylon he can kill.
There is a Cylon he can kill, but he doesn't have to. There is also Starbuck, who nearly dies but doesn't.
She is the last person he expected to see and she is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. She is covered in bruises and blood and she can barely stand, barely hug him, but she is human and she is beautiful.
He follows her gaze up to Sharon and she grabs his gun and aims. It would be easy to let her shoot. Easy to let her kill Sharon and let Sharon be gone. Write it off to Starbuck being too quick for him to stop.
He can't.
He can't support Starbuck anymore and they sink to the ground, and he wants to cry with her. He can't, but at the moment, she is the only thing she sees.
And for now, that is enough.
wow, i wrote a helo fic...review? please?