You'll Have to Excuse Me
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Act of Contrition, Flesh and Bone, Kobol's Last Gleaming part 1
Summary: "I'm a screw-up, Lee, try and keep that in mind."
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Battlestar Galactica. I do own this story and all ideas contained within.
You'll have to excuse me if I screw up sometimes. I was born to a mother who thought suffering was good for me, and so I did. She told me there was nothing in my head, she told me I was always wrong, she told me I was never going to amount to anything, and after awhile, I believed her. I was made to screw up.
You'll have to excuse me if I screw up sometimes. It's hard being one of very few female pilots. People say you're just one of the guys, but you know you're not, not really. You know they look at you in the shower even if they're not supposed to, even if they say they don't. You know they want to frak you first chance they get, because they see so few women up in space.
You'll have to excuse me if I screw up sometimes. I have a reputation of being easy. Maybe it's my fault, maybe it isn't. I was young. It felt nice to have guys wanting me, and I wanted them back. It didn't seem wrong then. It doesn't seem wrong now, not often. I never frakked around while I was dating Zak, and especially not when we were engaged. I'm not that kind of girl. But before that and after, there was nothing tying me down. Everyone wanted to get Starbuck into bed. After a few drinks, I let them. I got a reputation.
You'll have to excuse me if I screw up sometimes. You lost a brother, but I lost a love and a fiancée, and it was my fault. My worst screw up of all time, and it cost one of the few people who really matter to me his life. It should have been my life. I should have died instead of him. But I loved him, and I knew how much he wanted to be a pilot, to earn his wings, to make you and the old man proud, and I loved him too much to let him down. I shouldn't have been grading him, but I did and I passed him. I passed him because I loved him, and I screwed up so bad.
You'll have to excuse me if I screw up sometimes. I was in hack a lot, and the old man always had to come rescue me. I never understood why. I deserved to be in hack, every single time. The old man told me not to drink, and I should have listened, but drinking helped. Every little sip, every gulp, every shot, every bottle quieted the explosion of Zak's Viper. The haze wiped Zak from my mind. The hangover let me concentrate on another type of pain rather than the pain of losing him. I nearly became an alcoholic. If the old man hadn't been there, I would have.
You'll have to excuse me if I screw up sometimes. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you, my second-worst screw up. My fiancée's older brother. I don't know if I love you because of you, or maybe I loved you all along and couldn't have you, or maybe you're replacing Zak. I couldn't have you then and I can't have you now, so you'll have to excuse me if I have to replace you with someone else. Excuse me if Gaius Baltar was just one more man who wanted to get Starbuck into bed. Excuse me for calling out your name and hurting Gaius, so he hurt me by telling you, so you could hurt me more. Excuse me for punching you when you hurt me. Excuse me for not looking you in the eye when you saw me as Lt. Thrace, your best pilot, your screw-up pilot, your pilot who can't keep her pants on, instead of Kara, your friend. Excuse me for being hurt by your old man's lies. And excuse me for disobeying orders and going to Caprica.
You'll have to excuse me if I screw up sometimes. I was made to screw up.
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