The Things We Learn

Summary

You've learnt about the laws of physics… now learn about the laws of Slam Dunk through this parody of typical Slam Dunk fanfics!

Author's Note

First humor fic. Idea came to me in a fit of boredom. Go figure.

Chapter 1

My name's Jane. I'm an exchange student… never mind where from. Well, currently, I'm in Kanagawa, searching for my host family's house… They weren't at the airport to pick me up, and I really hope they haven't forgotten all about me, because it'll be real awkward if I show up and they're totally unprepared…

It's a good thing I have the address, anyway…

Some time later, after the taxi drops me off at the address I'd given him, I find myself knocking at the door of a rather large house.

"Is this the Mitsui residence?" I ask nervously as a middle-aged woman answers the door.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"I'm the exchange student who's supposed to come stay here…?"

She stares at me blankly for a moment, and then her eyes start to widen, her mouth forming a wide 'O'.

Yep, they forgot about me, all right.

"Um, why don't you step in for a while? I'm Mrs. Mitsui, by the way."

I walk in, struggling with the weight of my bags. Mrs. Mitsui looks at me in a concerned way.

"Do you need help with those, dear?" she asks me.

"I'm fine, thank you," I grunt, setting the bags down.

"Have a seat," she says, gesturing towards some comfortable-looking chairs in the living room.

Not knowing what else to do, I sit down. Mrs. Mitsui disappears upstairs, and returns a while later with a tall boy whom I assume is her son. He looks to be about my age.

"This is my son, Hisashi," she says. "He's in his third year at Shohoku High."

"Oh!" I say. "I'll be entering second year at that school."

"Are you now?" she says, smiling slightly. "Hisashi, why don't you have a little chat with our guest, while I prepare some drinks? Would you care for some coffee, or tea?" she adds, looking at me.

"Er… just plain water would be great, thanks," I reply.

Mrs. Mitsui goes into the kitchen, and for a while I can only hear the sound of her preparing some drinks, and snacks too, by the sound of it.

"So," Hisashi says, breaking the silence. "You're Mary Sue?"

"Erm, no," I say, wondering what on earth gave him the idea that my name was Mary Sue. "I'm Jane."

"Ahh, whatever," he replies irritably. "And I suppose you're very beautiful, and very gifted in everything you do, and possess a special talent to boot."

Law #1: The First Law of Mary Sue

Mary Sues are abundant in Slam Dunk fanfiction. These girls are generally irritatingly perfect, and often manage to get at least two or three Slam Dunk hunks to fall in love with them. Yeesh.

I stare at him, very confused. "Actually, I'm none of the above."

I begin to feel like there's been some kind of mistake. Do I need all of those qualities to be in the exchange program?

Mitsui snorts. "Yeah, sure. We've got a modest Mary Sue here."

I'm quite annoyed now. "My name is not Mary Sue. And I'm not gifted or talented, or anything like that. And I'm not beautiful! You'd have noticed that by now if you hadn't kept your eyes on the floor since you came into the room."

"I'm not going to look at you," he says, covering his eyes with his hand, his face still turned away from me, "You'll put an evil Mary Sue spell on me!"

I roll my eyes, reach over and force him to look at me.

"Ahh! You're… you're…" he blinks, and then stares at me. "You're… normal-looking!"

"Well, duh!"

"Your hair's not long and shiny."

"Gee, thanks for pointing that out."

"Your eyes are brown… not silver or purple or some other freakishly weird colour!"

"Why would they be any other colour than brown?"

Law #2: The Second Law of Mary Sue

It's a generally well-known fact that Mary Sue's have the following physical features; long, silky smooth hair, unusually coloured eyes, perfect hourglass figure, and flawless long legs. They are also incredibly gifted in their studies as well as the arts, and also possess the skills to cry and to faint during dramatic moments.

"And you're short… and kind of dumpy…"

"Hey!" I protest. "That's just being rude!"

He looks at me for a second, and then blinks. "Sorry. Got carried away."

"Why were you so scared that I might be this Mary Sue person, anyway?" I ask him. He looks a lot more relaxed now.

He grins sheepishly. "I fell in love with several Mary Sue's already."

"Several?" I gape at him. How can there be so many people sharing the same name? And does this guy have some sort of obsession with girls by that name, or what?

"Yeah." He frowns. "They all dumped me for Rukawa."

"Who?"

"You don't know?" he looks at me for a while, then leans back in his chair. "Ah, well, you'll find out soon enough."

Law #3: The Third Law of Mary Sue

Mary Sue's generally fall in love either with Rukawa or Sendoh.

A loud cough, followed by an even louder one, as well as the sound of a throat being cleared came from the direction of the kitchen. Then it suddenly occurred to me that it can't possibly take that long to prepare some drinks and snacks, can it?

"Um…" Mitsui casts a furtive glance towards the kitchen before turning back to me.

"Look, I might as well come clean with you," he says, lowering his voice. "We haven't any place for you to stay here. All our rooms are taken."

"All…?"

"Yep. We haven't got a single spare room left! So I'm afraid it's impossible for you to stay here."

Law #4: Law of Exchange Students

Schools in Kanagawa, particularly Shohoku, Ryonan, Shoyo and Kainan, are constantly plagued with exchange students, a large majority of which are female (and yes, Mary Sues as well). And these exchange students almost always end up staying with the main hunks of Slam Dunk.

"So… what am I going to do?"

"Well… I'll tell you what. I'll bring you over to the school, show you around… then we'll ask around and see if anyone can help you find a place to stay."

"Never mind," I say abruptly. "I'll do that myself. Just point me in the direction of the school, and I'll be off."

Looking rather relieved, Hisashi leads me to the door.

Some time later, I'm beginning to wish that I'd let Hisashi show me the way to school. At least he might have helped carry these bags for me.

I look around, and realize that I am completely lost. There isn't a single building nearby that even vaguely resembles a school.

In fact, I seem to have wandered into a rather quiet, deserted area of town. Whoops.

"Hey, little girl. Lost, are you?" a voice calls from right behind me.

I turn and find myself facing two of the ugliest, dorkiest looking specimens of male that nature can produce.

Then I hear another noise, and look all around me. Oh. Make that five of the ugliest, dorkiest looking specimens of male that nature can produce.

"What are you supposed to be?" I ask the biggest, ugliest one, who just about has to be the leader.

"We're rapists," he says proudly.

Law #5: Law of Rapists

Rapists are surprisingly abundant in Kanagawa. Oddly enough, though, none of the girls accosted by these people are raped, since they're usually rescued just in time by a Slam Dunk hunk just passing by, usually Rukawa, who seems to have a penchant for passing by dark, lonely places. What is that guy up to?

"Oh." I say. "Good for you."

I look around frantically. Nowhere to run… typical.

The five men close in on me, and then…

"Get lost."

I turn around to look at the tall person that has suddenly appeared behind me. He's quite good-looking, really.

Law #6: Hero vs. Baddies

Slam Dunk hunk versus baddies – no matter how many people he's up against, he always wins.

The five men who were about to attack me stare at him in horror.

"It's a basketball player!" the biggest one yelps in terror.

"No way! This girl doesn't look like a Mary Sue at all!" another replies, equally frightened.

"Big Brother, why do we keep doing this if we keep getting beaten up by basketball players?"

"Oh, for plot's sake! Run before he massacres us!"

And then the area was completely deserted, except for me and the tall hunk.

I stare and stare until my eyes feel like dropping out from their sockets. People here are weird.

Turning around, I see the tall boy slouching off.

"Oi!" I yell. "Wait for me!"

He didn't change his pace at all, despite me yelling at him several times to stop. And, although he's slouching and walking slowly, my heavy bags are doing a good job of making sure that I''ll never catch up to him.

Just as he's disappearing around a corner, I give up hope of catching up to him and just yell, "Thank you!"

He didn't even look up.

I groan, drop my bags and stare at my swollen red palms.

Then I look up and see a large building.

A sign on the brick wall surrounding its grounds have the following printed on it;

Shohoku High School.

I'm here. Too bad it's Sunday night.

Author's Note

Please review! I'd like to know what you think.