Thank you for your reviews, everyone! This is the last chapter! Oh no!
Chapter Nineteen: The Fellowship Cracks into a Million Bite-Sized Pieces
As the fellowship paddled down the river, a couple of very odd events occurred. Sam looked out at the water, gasped loudly, and cried, "Look! A log with eyes!"
"You moron!" said Boromir. "It's a floating turd! I bet Gimli did it."
"Hey! I did not!" Gimli protested.
"YOU WOULD DIE BEFORE YOUR STROKE FELL!" Legolas suddenly yelled at Boromir. Everyone looked at him funny. "What? What did I do wrong?"
The mysterious "log with eyes", or "floating turd", happened to be Thingum swimming after the fellowship. "Idiots..." he muttered. "How dare they calls us a turd." He sniffed himself. "Though we does smell kind of like one..."
Everyone then decided to stop for a rest. "Why are we stopping?" Boromir asked in frustration.
"Because I'm tired!" Frodo whined pathetically. He pretended to collapse on the ground for emphasis.
"Well can we get going now?" Legolas asked.
"Yeah, before Gimli lets a load off in the river again," Boromir muttered.
"I told you, that wasn't me!" Gimli said angrily.
And so everybody got back into their boats and paddled and paddled and paddled for several hours until they found a good piece of land to stop at.
Frodo eagerly jumped out of his boat. "It's about time we've stopped! I've been having to make water for hours!" He dashed off.
Legolas started to have a seizure. "SOMETHING DRAWS NEAR! I CAN FEEL IT!"
Aragorn knocked Legolas unconscious. "Somebody explain to me again why we brought the elf along!"
Gimli shrugged. "Wasn't my idea."
A couple of hours later, Aragorn realized something very strange. "You know what? Frodo and Boromir have been gone for a really long time."
Sam leaped to his feet in alarm. "OH MY GOSH! MR. FRODOOOOO!"
"Calm down, Sam!" yelled Aragorn. "You'll give yourself a heart attack!"
Legolas started to giggle. "Frodo and Boromir off in the woods together!" He was soon rolling on the ground, laughing his blonde head off.
Aragorn kicked him. "That is absolutely disgusting, and I forbid you to say anything like that out loud ever again!" Legolas finally ceased his crazed laughter and promised he would never speak like that again.
Meanwhile, Frodo popped out of a bush, which was something that he seemed to do quite often. "Ahh... relief. I've been holding that in so long I thought I'd explode."
Suddenly, Boromir popped out from behind a tree and screamed, "BOOOO!"
Frodo just stood there and stared at him. "That didn't scare me one bit, I hope you know."
"It didn't?" Boromir looked disappointed. "Well, that's not what I'm here for anyway."
"What are you here for then?"
"Well, um, Frodo? Could I ask you something?" Frodo nodded his head. "It isn't easy to say this, but, well... I'm kind of hungry."
"You are?" Frodo said. "Well you're in luck! I've got just the thing!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out the One Tater. He was about to hand it over when suddenly he realized something. "Hey, wait a minute! You're trying to trick me into giving you the tater!" He shoved the tater back in his pocket.
"Oh darn it!" said Boromir. "And I thought you were stupid!"
"Stupid is as stupid does."
"Yeah, whatever. Now give me that tater!"
"Why?" Frodo asked.
"My father wants it!"
Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, Denethor was sitting on the floor of a rubber room wearing a straight jacket. "Harharhar! I shall take that tater, and I shall use its mind control powers to enslave all of the rubber ducklings! Bwahahahahaha!"
Faramir peeked his head into the room. "Er, father? Are you feeling alright?"
"Eh? Who the heck are you?"
"I'm your son!"
"My son is on a quest!"
"I'm your other son!"
"What other son?"
"Your second son!"
"I have only one son! Get out of here! YOU'RE TRYING TO OVERTHROW MY PLOT, AREN'T YOU!" With a furious roar, Denethor took off one of shoes and flung it at Faramir.
"Eek!" Faramir quickly disappeared.
Back in the woods, Frodo gave Boromir his refusal. "No way, your father's a lunatic!"
Boromir grabbed Frodo by the shirt collar and shook him. "Give me the tater!"
"No!"
Boromir pushed Frodo to the ground. "Please give me that tater!"
"No!"
"But I said please!"
"NO!" Frodo then took a bite out of tater and disappeared. He gave Boromir a wedgie, put his underpants over his head, and then ran away.
Meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Legolas were busy sitting around. Suddenly, the yells of Frodo could be heard from a distance.
Merry stood up. "Ooh! Frodo wants to play hide-and-seek!"
"No he doesn't!" Aragorn said.
Pippin got to his feet. "Of course he does! Let's go!" He grabbed his dagger and ran off into the forest. Ten seconds later, he turned around. "Merry?"
Merry had become distracted and was following a group of Sporks. These weren't ordinary Sporks, they were Super Sporks, sent by Skittleman the Many Colored.
Pippin was confused. "Merry, what are you doing?"
"I've got a better idea!" his friend replied. "Let's play tag with the Super Sporks!"
Pippin shrugged. "Okay!"
And so Merry and Pippin ran through the forest, hoping the Super Sporks would chase after them. "Hey, Super Sporks!" Merry yelled.
"What?" they roared.
"You guys are It!" Pippin explained.
"Aw man, we hate being It! DIE!"
A while after that, another group of Super Sporks approached Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. "Look at how highly unattractive we are!"
Aragorn shielded his eyes. "Arrrgh! So much ugliness!"
"Got any Magical Hobs?" one of the Super Sporks asked.
"No, go fish," Aragorn replied.
"RARRRGH! We hate fish!" The Sporks became angry and attacked.
"Uh guys? A little help here?" Aragorn said.
Legolas and Gimli were busily involved in a game of chess. Legolas moved one of his chess pieces. "Okay Gimli, your turn."
"This game confuses me," the dwarf complained.
"Idiots," muttered Aragorn.
Boromir was still alone in the woods. At least, he thought he was alone, until an army of Super Sporks appeared. "Hey, look! It's Boromir!" Pippin yelled, pointing. "Hi Boromir!"
"What are you guys doing?" Boromir asked.
"We're playing a game of tag," Merry explained. "The Super Sporks are It."
"Um... I hate to break it to you guys, but I don't think they're playing correctly."
The army of Super Sporks started to run around shouting battle cries. An arrow flew through the air and plunged right into Boromir's chest. It was soon followed by another arrow. And another arrow. And another one. And another one. And another one. And another one.
One hundred and twenty-five arrows later:
"I am in extreme discomfort," Boromir gasped.
"This is boring," said a Super Spork. "He's taking too long to die."
"Well you guys are still It," Pippin told them. He was suddenly grabbed by a Super Spork, and so was Merry.
"Haha! We're not It anymore!" And the Super Sporks ran away, taking Merry and Pippin with them.
Five minutes later, Aragorn arrived, late as usual. "Oh my gosh! Boromir's been turned into a living example of a pincushion!"
"Help me! I'm dying over here!" Boromir whined. Aragorn soon was at his side, and Boromir began gagging. "Eew, take a bath!" Two seconds later, he was dead.
Aragorn leaned over and kissed Boromir. "Heh heh, I hope nobody saw that."
Legolas suddenly popped up from behind a tree and started laughing. "Ha! I saw you!" Gimli popped up from behind a second tree and joined in the laughter.
"Well, we have to put Boromir to rest." Aragorn picked up Boromir's body and set it inside one of the boats. "Before we send him over the waterfall, let's sing our friend Boromir a funeral song!"
Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli crowded around the boat and sang, "Happy funeral to you, happy funeral to you, happy funeral dear Boromir, happy funeral to you!" After that, they gave the boat a shove and Boromir went flying over the waterfall.
Frodo, meanwhile, was getting into his own boat and was paddling away across the river. "I'd better get out of here before-"
"Mr. FRODOOOOOOO!" came Sam's voice.
"Darn, I was afraid of that. I thought I got rid of him!" He paddled faster.
Sam ran into the river after Frodo. "Wait, I just remembered something! I can't swim!" He sunk under the water's surface and floated around like a dead fish.
Frodo paddled over to Sam. "Idiot. He should have worn his life jacket like I told him to!" He pulled Sam up out of the water with sheer Magical Hob strength.
Sam sat down and coughed up a fish. "Whoa, how did that get in my mouth?"
"Who cares!" said Frodo. "You've caught us dinner!" He gave Sam a hug. Sam pushed him away. "Mr. Frodo, what have I told you?"
Frodo sighed irritably. "I was only hugging you because I'm glad you're alive! Gosh!"
"Well, Mr. Frodo, let's hurry up and get to Mulchdor."
"Okay." Frodo sighed. "Sam, I'm glad you're with me. If it wasn't for you, I would have to carry all this luggage!"
"Hey!" said Sam. He scooped some water out of the river and splashed it at Frodo.
And so the two Magical Hobs started on their journey alone to Mulchdor.
End of Part One.
Yes, it's over. Sad, yet true. But don't worry, there is eventually going to be a sequel! So stay tuned in the near future!