Feel

Yes, this is the last chapter. Lucky number 13, eh? (Yay, western superstition!)

I want to thank everyone who stayed through this fic and my apparent inability to update often. This was my longest fanfic and really tested my patience, but it also is one of my best, I think. I feel pretty satisfied with it, though, as always, some things could be changed. But I'm glad that I decided to start retyping this story the couple of years after I started it… whenever that was.

You know, for a change of pace, I should just screw everything up and end it all unhappily. I have that power and it's early enough in the morning. I haven't had my Starbucks… I'm a dangerous person. I might just go find a big stick and break open a parking meter for its change. I'll blame it on television.

I just need my mocha.

Miyosuke: I really do like using Anzu as a character if I can. I mean, sometimes I'll give a reason for her to not be there if it helps the plot start, but… she really is fun to use as a dynamic character.

Bijoukaiba: My friend showed me Japanese Naruto and I spent the entire episode asking myself where the voice came from. Then I screamed, "It's Mokuba!" and scared the crap out of my friends. ' And fluff is fun. And I will stalk the television until next Saturday, 8 PM Central time.

Shadowwaker: Hey, Mokuba can carry Seto's suitcase around. I'm sure he could… somehow… manage a weapon that's twice his height. And Seto with horses… well, I felt like poking fun at him one night. I just kept having odd images of him in a sexed-up cowboy outfit.

Incoherent: Thank you for the birthday congrats! I forgot that horses would be rare in Japan. 00' I really don't know how I managed to draw everything out to thirteen chapters, though, and how I'll get it all explained without absolutely killing everything.

Chapter 13

Complete

Monday, May 16th

I was a little confused as to what I should do when Monday morning came. I knew that I would go to school and see everyone, par usual. I would attend classes and fend off sleep. I would probably not eat lunch.

But how would I react to Kaiba-kun (or, I guess now he's Seto), and how would he react to me? We went on a date. I kissed him, though not directly on the mouth. But still, I initiated something. He told me to refer to him by his given name. I told him to call me by mine. This was a huge step in any sort of relationship.

What would I call him at school? I was fairly certain that he did not want me to call him Seto in public.

Would I let him call me Ryou around others? Well, if he wanted to, I wouldn't stop him. But I doubted my ability to ask him, and I'm also fairly certain that he would want to keep this relationship of ours a secret.

How deeply did he feel for me? I thought about this as I pulled my jacket on and walked out the door, down the stairs, and out the complex door. I thought about it as I traveled along the road. It occupied my mind as crowds formed and dispersed, undulated around me.

I knew he felt something. He had to, or else all of this… would have been a cruel lie. But no, he was far too sincere in his speech and actions. I just wondered how much he liked me…

Yuugi-kun was the first person that I knew to join me in homeroom that morning.

"Morning, Bakura-kun," he greeted.

"Good morning, Yuugi-kun," I responded. "Where is everyone else?"

"Honda-kun and Jounouchi-kun were talking badly about a teacher and were caught, and Anzu-chan is scolding them." He sighed deeply. "I was trying to tell them that the teacher was behind them."

I laughed weakly, not sure whether to find this funny, or whether or not to worry that the two would be in a lot of trouble.

"So, Bakura-kun, what have you been up to lately?" Yuugi-kun asked suddenly. "We haven't talked in a while."

"Um," I tried to pass myself off nonchalantly. My acting skills are as impressive as my coordination. "Nothing much, really. Homework, school, books…" He probably was not falling for it.

But, luckily, the other three came in.

"You shouldn't be bad-mouthing teachers! And if you are, at least make sure that they aren't behind you, first. And be glad it wasn't, like, the gym teacher! He would have expelled you!" Anzu-chan was angry. Quite angry.

"Yeah, yeah," Jounouchi-kun yawned.

"We'll be more careful next time." No, you wouldn't, Honda-kun.

"Good morning, Bakura-kun!" Anzu-chan came up to me, smiling. Mischievous fairy-godmother out to tease me about dating. I saw that scary triumph and curiosity in her face.

"Morning," Honda-kun and Jounouchi-kun mumbled.

"Good morning," I gave a small wave. I really wanted Kai—err, Seto to come. He was usually here by this time.

I supposed that I would have to get used to calling him that. Insert soft smile and low sigh here.

Wait, oh kami-sama, there he was! I could not hide the smile that I felt well up as he walked in. It was so odd, or at least it would be if I took a step back and looked at this from an outsider's view. It was hard for me to remember that, according to the world, Kaiba Seto was a cold person whose only passions were for gaming and his company. But I knew now that that was not the case. He had so many dreams that he wanted and regrets from past events.

He was as human as me or anyone else in this big world. And, knowing all of that, could I help but fall so deeply for him?

The world was a scary, confusing place. But, with him near me, that did not matter.

I expected him to walk past me with barely a word, but we all know that he seemed to like doing things that surprise me, or just scare the crap out of me.

"Ryou," he stopped at my desk, ignoring Yuugi-tachi and everybody else. I felt myself freeze up. He's talking so intimately in public? "Do you want to come over this afternoon?"

"You don't have any meetings or work?" That seriously surprised me. His schedule seemed conveniently open lately.

"Nothing important." I wanted to tell him that his work was more important than me, but he looked at me with his eyes.

"O-okay, Kai-Seto." I was stuttering and mumbling. I was a complete mess, I was sure. Kami-sama, I was acting so obvious. I wanted to apologize to Seto as walked off, for acting like an idiot, but that would lead to more awkwardness.

"B-Bakura-kun," I heard Jounouchi-kun's voice. "You… and Kaiba-kun?" This revelation caused me to jerk my head towards him with wide eyes. So I guessed we weren't so secret anymore.

"Y-yeah," I nodded, blushing and finally adverting my eyes to stare at my own hands, which were playing with a pencil on my desk. "Sorry I didn't tell you guys, and I guess I have no real excuse for keeping it secret besides, just, well…" I let it hang. They could fill in the blanks themselves.

I just couldn't bring myself to look at them again.

Jounouchi-kun spoke again. "You and that jerk are friends!"

…Sometimes, I really just want to beat sense into him. This was one of those times.

I faced him again with more of a 'what the hell' look on my face, which Honda-kun was mirroring. Jounouchi-kun was off in his own steaming rant world and Anzu-chan was laughing as politely as possible. Yuugi-kun just looked horribly confused. I could relate sometimes.

"What's so funny, Anzu?"

"Nothing, nothing!" She waved it off, trying to quiet herself down. At least it was Jounouchi-kun being laughed at this time and not me. But the subject matter was less than to my liking. "So," she took in a deep breath, "first name basis?"

I wondered if she knew that Kaiba-kun could probably hear her. Well, checking, if he did, he pretended not to. He was reading. It was in English. I hated English. We all knew that.

But I just shot Anzu-chan a dirty look, which she just smiled in response to. Would this happen from now on if my friends ever got blackmail on me?

However, if I just leaned back and took a look at my current situation, it seemed pretty good. I mean, I was now a fairly normal high school 3rd year (which was a step up from my previous lifestyle) with a screwed up past and friends to help make it better, as well as a new boyfriend. I wasn't horribly failing any of my classes and, while I did live alone, it was not that bad.

I smiled a bit. This wasn't so bad after all.

I somehow managed to pry myself away from Yuugi-tachi and wander back into the school hallways. I think Anzu-chan all but pushed me out with an impish smile that made me want to crawl in a corner and hide.

But after I entered the emptying hallway, students only staying behind if it was his or her class's turn for oshoji or if they were, like me, waiting for someone, I realized that we had not really specified a place to meet. (1)

So I walked around a bit, feeling lost, and then I loitered in the hallway to wait. I wondered where he was and if he was off elsewhere waiting for me. I didn't want to make him wait.

I didn't even notice that anyone was calling my name while I was in my thought process because I was not used to anyone calling me by my given name.

"Ryou." I looked up and saw Seto standing over me, one eyebrow raised slightly. I wondered how long he had been calling me.

"I'm sorry!" I apologized. "I'm just… not used to people calling me that. Um…" I couldn't think of anything else to say. I just blushed profusely and looked down at my shoes. "Were you waiting long?"

"It looked like you were the one waiting for me."

"No!" I shook my head. "I, uh, was trying to look for you and got a bit lost, I guess." I shrugged. That's right, Seto, you picked the idiotic one.

Picked? He really picked me? He could have had almost any female in the school, or, if he was only inclined to males, a good amount of the gay male population.

But here I was, blushing and stuttering like a fool and trying to regain face.

"Should we go, then?" I glanced up at his face and saw a hint of his smile in his blue eyes.

I just nodded and smiled myself. Only he could make me feel like this. Only Seto.

Seto.

I followed Seto to his car and got in, people watched subtly, but I did not care. This was where I wanted to be.

It mirrored the ride from last week—it was the same thing, except opposite, in a way. I was still here, blushing nervously, and he was still here, quietly driving. However, mirrors also show opposites. When you raise your right hand, your image raises its left. This was opposite in that now, I knew he felt something. Instead of worrying about him finding out how I felt and feeling desperation at the impossibility, I knew that there was something between us, and that did indeed give me a sort of confidence, even if it did not seem like it.

This time around, we were dating.

That seemed odd when compared to how this transpired in Kyoto, and it almost seems like we may have forgotten those events, but no. Time just goes on, and past events are just that. There really was no point in dwelling on it; the present was a much better time.

Though, I wondered if he was feeling the same thing I was back then—the confusion and frustration and the inevitable question of 'Why'.

But back to the present, since it is indeed a much better time.

The entire trip was silent. I was too nervous to say anything and was perfectly fine with just feeling his presence. He just did not speak.

Wait, what do couples usually do at each other's houses? They talk, right? Or eat over, watch a movie… something. I was definitely not prepared for dating. I knew nothing.

After we arrived, he led me into the house, which I still found big. I always would, probably. Or, for as long as I had any reason to associate myself to him. Even after, I would probably look back in memories and remember that it was a big house.

Thoughts like that made me wonder about other things. Though I knew that he obviously felt something, what sort of relationship was he looking for, and for how long? Since I was generally a pessimist and a little wary of happiness, I wondered what would happen if a girl ever came up to him and professed. Would he take her instead? It would look better for him, because since he is a male in a relationship with another male, it would cause a scandal if someone found out. I could live with people knowing that I was gay, perhaps, but he was a public figure. It would ruin him. I would only be trouble for him. We could never be open. I dared not even fancy that he would be willing to throw it all away for me—he worked too hard to get where he is.

Why was he doing something as dangerous as accepting me? If certain people found out about us…

Right, right, because he does have feelings.

But if he did develop these same feelings for a girl, it would be easier for him.

But couldn't I allow myself to be selfish just this once and keep the one thing that I've ever really wanted?

No, I decided. If he did find someone else, I would not stop him. I didn't want to cause unnecessary problems for him. I just wanted him to be happy… because I loved him.

"Stop thinking like that."

"Hm?" I blinked and looked up at him.

"You're thinking of something that hurts you again," he answered simply. "You should stop doing that."

"Right," I replied softly. It would be easier for him, but… I really didn't want to break this fragile world that we were creating together. It was something that I cared about, something that I actually wanted, and yet it could shatter as easily as a glass against a wall. If we did get serious, and that was a big if, how far could we go together? We could never get married or have a family. We could still never be public.

He took my hand and pressed his lips to my forehead. Why was he treating me like this? "Stop," he whispered. I could feel the vibrations of his voice and I wanted to melt. "What can I do to take that sadness out of your eyes?"

I reached my free hand towards him, and then stopped. Couldn't I be selfish just this once? I touched the front of his open school jacket, clutched it, pulled myself closer to him, and took in his scent. His oddly affectionate hand touched my back and held me there. Yes, maybe I could be a bit selfish. I could want this, right?

Could I tell him how I felt, in words? That was still a bit difficult to choke out, though it would have been the perfect time.

I felt warm as he just held me there, silently. I could hear his heart and feel his chest moving with his breathing so intimately. I felt like I belonged there, against him and with him.

"Do you feel better now?"

I nodded. Maybe, just maybe, I could say something. "Seto, I," I paused, words stuck in my throat.

"Nii-sama! I'm ho-" Mokuba-kun stopped halfway through his burst through the door. Seto and I both looked at him, though after I jerked away and turned a very red color. "Oh, um, I'm interrupting something. Ah," he blushed and looked off to the side, "I'll… go do my homework. Or play a videogame. Nice seeing you again, Bakura-kun." He ran off very quickly.

He left us in an incredibly awkward moment. I didn't know what to say to him, and it took him a little to find something to say to me.

"Do you want to go upstairs?" He asked finally.

I nodded with a slight verbal affirmation and he led me, our fingers entwined, up the set of stairs that we had frequented when working on the project. But instead of leading me to the office, he took me to his room.

It was a tidy room, as I thought that it would most likely be. That was the first thought that came to mind—tidy. There was a bookshelf with many books on it in different languages. Some were thick enough so that they must have been some sort of reference material, but there were also literature books.

A computer desk sat near a window with light curtains. I could see that it was still light outside as logic told me it would be during this time of day. The desk had a few papers next to the computer monitor and a pencil holder with a few utensils, but other than that, it was rather bare.

The bed was on the side of the room adjacent to us and opposite the windows. It was then that Seto let my hand go and sat on the bed, eyes lost in some sort of thought. His face looked intense.

I did not know what to do, so I slowly approached. Instead of sitting next to him, as I may have done if I was more forward, I stood off to the side and watched him.

"Ryou," he said suddenly, "what do you plan to do after we graduate?"

"Well, I," I paused, "guess that I will go to a local college or something. Perhaps I'll study history, since it runs in the family and I seem to be able to retain it easier than… math."

A slight smile flashed in his eyes. "You do know that if you intend to do the same work as your father, it requires another language, preferably French or German, and most likely English as well."

"Mm, that's if I went into Egypt, though. I was thinking more along the lines of ancient Japanese history. I always found it interesting that the Mesolithic Jomon, who were hunter-gatherers that lived on the Kanto plains, created pottery before starting agriculture, let alone settling into towns. That was… over ten-thousand years ago. By the time Egypt was becoming unified, the early Jomon were sculpting figures of people and animals and creating larger settlements that spanned into towns." Another pause. "You have no idea what I just said, do you?"

He gave a slight shake of his head. "No, I don't."

"Kaiba Seto, I thought you knew everything that there was to know." Since when was I able to joke with him like this?

He looked at me. "I'm only human." Yes, yes you were. And that was what was so attractive about him. One of the things, at least. I felt comfortable enough to sit next to him. The bed was firm, but not unreasonably so.

"Are you just going to stay with the company?" That was a stupid question, and I realized that as the words left my mouth.

"Yes," he answered quickly and firmly. "Kaiba Corp. is my responsibility."

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I should have thought before I asked."

"You have done nothing to apologize about."

What did he think about the future? I myself knew, even with my rose-tinted life now, that someday we would part and I would be on my own again, broken. I saw my future as living in an apartment still, and hopefully working with some sort of archeological foundation. That would be ideal.

I would not be the one to break apart this relationship with no name. I really loved him, but something as fantastic as a lifetime relationship required love reciprocated with feelings just as strong, and though it would be wonderful, I could not hope for something so outlandish. He would tire of me someday, find someone else, and we would part.

Unless, you know, he loved me that deeply in return. But I couldn't raise my hopes by thinking that. It would make me horribly clingy and exponentially more annoying. I also could not try to hold him away at arm's length, for I felt both physical and emotional longing. My hormones and heart screamed for him, but by mind was ever so cautious, wanting to hear those words.

Was there a fairytale ending? Would poor Cinderella stay with her prince and live happily ever after? Would poor Bakura Ryou ever get the courage to profess his deepest feelings to Kaiba Seto?

Maybe I could, if another moment of spontaneous bravery and another right moment corresponded. That would be difficult, however. The very thought of telling him scared me. No, it was something that I couldn't do.

Why was I so nervous? I mean, I would just be saying something that he would, most likely, expect me to feel.

But if it was so easy, why couldn't he say it first? I mean, there is no doubt that he would know that I could not express myself so easily, so I would need him to say something first.

I have no idea how long we were silent before he kissed me. I was just taken by surprise, though not at all adverse to it. This kiss was very different. In the past, they were always soft, sweet. This kiss was hot and spoke of need. He needed me. I reciprocated. I needed him.

But how far, physically, could we go?

His lips moved up my jaw line, paused at my ear, and moved downwards. It was hotter than anything I had experienced before. All I could do was sit there, in his hands, breathe, and feel.

We did not go all the way. I doubt that either of us planned to do so, either.

He stopped after going as far as half of the open buttons of my shirt would allow him. I was lying on my back, staring up at him, flushed, breathing hard and feeling desperately cornered as we took a step back and looked at our situation.

I don't think either of us knew how to react. Was an apology in order? Would we never speak about it again?

My hands slid down his arms, from shoulder to forearm, and rested there, propped up. His eyes were staring at me as if he had never seen me before, as if he too were uncertain how to react

We had not done much, but so many unsaid emotions came out.

"Ryou," Seto whispered as if he wanted to say something, started to say it, but it ultimately fell before reaching his lips.

We were in an incredibly awkward moment. Neither of us regretted sharing that we felt for each other physically because, kami-sama knows, I thought he was a hot, sexy young man, but we didn't know how to how to answer that one question: where do we go from here? What could we say to one another?

Selfishly, I wondered why he couldn't just say what we both knew that the two of us were thinking.

"Seto," had we both become so out of character that we did not know what to do with ourselves? "I love you."

The weight of the world melted away from those beautiful eyes. "I love you, too."

I smiled, and as did he, his beautiful smile that I cherished even more than torturing memories.

The masks shattered—his mask, my mask. We were bare and vulnerable to one another, creating the nooses around each other's throats, holding the knives to our hearts.

Perhaps, really, we were not so much as being out of character as we were finally being true to ourselves.

The bell for the end of school rang on the last day of school before summer break. I was slow getting out of class, lost in thought, as I almost always was.

I turned red and almost panicked as my cell phone rang. I never bothered to turn it off, since only two people ever called it, both of which were in school when I was.

"Gift from a loving significant other?" Kawakami-sensei grinned at me.

"What are you talking about, sensei?" I blinked at him. "You know that dating isn't allowed for students." Despite that it was breaking yet another school rule, I answered the phone anyway. "Seto?"

Yes, the phone was indeed a gift from Seto, just… to help keep in contact. Only he and Mokuba-kun had the number, though.

"Ryou, school's out, right?"

"Yes," I nodded, despite that only my impishly smiling teacher could see me, "we just let out. You weren't in school today."

"I had to put in hours. My vice-president of the company almost had a heart attack when I told him that I wanted break off."

"Well, pulling you away from work is a rarity." I paused. "What's up? Why are you taking off?"

"Mokuba and I thought that it would be nice if we went traveling, the three of us." Yes, Mokuba… he teased me nonstop after getting over the initial embarrassment of walking in on Seto and I having a moment. "We were thinking Britain or Germany."

I thought about it. I wanted to sound considerate and say that I couldn't pay for it, but I knew that my financial needs did not matter. Seto would pay for it and that would be that.

"I guess I could clear a space in my schedule," I was half-sitting on my desk with a smug look on my face.

"What could you possibly do over two weeks of break that would be more important than traveling with your boyfriend and his brother?"

"I could… sit on the couch and develop a taste for snack foods and television. I could do my English reading," I added after sensei sent me a look.

"Well, come out front. I'm almost at the school."

"I'll see you in a few minutes, then. Bye."

"Bye, Ryou."

I hung up and felt happiness well up inside of me. We were dating in name, finally, though certain members of Yuugi-tachi did not know. The aforementioned group ran into me as I exited the classroom.

"Bakura-kun, what took you so long?" Yuugi-kun asked as we all started walking towards the shoe lockers.

"Phone call."

"Be glad that sensei doesn't care, or else you'd be in trouble." Anzu-chan warned. Sensei was also five years old at heart and still grinning.

"Who the hell was calling you so close to class time?"

"Seto," I answered simply. "He, Mokuba-kun, and I are going to Europe, or somewhere, over break."

"Wait, this is sounding a lot like…" Jounouchi-kun and Yuugi-kun stopped walking. The rest of us turned back to look at them.

"What's wrong?" Anzu-chan asked.

"Bakura-kun," Yuugi-kun started a bit nervously, seeming almost afraid to ask the question the wrong way, "exactly… what kind of a relationship do you have with Kaiba-kun?"

"Ah, we're dating. Didn't anybody say anything?"

Yuugi-kun just stared. It was Jounouchi-kun's reaction that I would look back on in the future and laugh at. We also had to restrain him when Seto actually arrived to pick me up. I felt a little bad for concealing it, especially since those two were the only ones who did not know. But it had just never come up, really.

After all, our lives just went on. The only real change was that I had something to look forward to everyday. For the first time that I could remember since my sister's death, I felt a sensation that I had thought lost forever. I felt whole, like all the pieces of my heart were slowly being filled. I had friends, I had my father (who was not very surprised with the revelation of my sexuality, and I wondered if I should have been a little hurt when he told me that… but at least he accepted it), I had Mokuba-kun (who sometimes teasingly called me his 'brother-in-law,' much to my embarrassment and his amusement), and I had Seto (the sexy love of my life).

It felt like it didn't matter if our relationship only lasted a year, or for that impossible eternity. Every moment with him was precious because it elevated me to the higher plane of being in which one feels entirely full.

But you know, I would prefer forever to one year; especially if it meant that I could wake up to my rose-colored life and see his face for our entire lives. That would make my life feel complete.

(1) Oshoji- since there is no janitorial faculty in a Japanese school, it is the students' jobs to clean up, so each day, and it is one class's duty to clean the halls and such. Each class takes care of their own classroom.

Not an actual numbered note, but all the things Ryou described about the ancient Jomon were based on my miniscule research. I found it rather fascinating. -grin-

Friday, September 2nd: Happy birthday, Ryou!

Sunday, September 4th: Happy birthday, me!

I've had my coffee—Carmel macchiato and some of Ka-chan's Strawberry and Cream frappucino. Yum. Actually, I was typing the depressing part on a coffee high while listening to really happy Prince of Tennis music.

Nm, join the Seto/Ryou livejournal community. Once I get into the swing of homework and such, I'll be writing fanfics that will only be posted there (namely, fics that would get taken off if they were on here). Just an incentive.

And I guess, to all my readers, I need to extend a warm thank you. Seriously, if no one reviewed, I would have scrapped this long ago and waited another few years before doing something. I never knew that this would turn out as it did. And I have you people to thank for it.

Do I sound like I'm dying again? Ever since someone commented that I sounded like I was dying when I ended 'Akutenshi', I've wondered if I do. I am not dying, just horribly sentimental. I don't know, I'm leaving this fic on a slightly more positive note.

So yeah, I love you all! Bye!