Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO – They Call Me Remussy

"Snatch! What is your major malfunction!" Hermione yelled.

Harry panicked and looked towards Ron and Ginny for help.

"You obliviated me again!" Hermoine explained.

Harry was confused. "No I didn't. I've never obliviated you. For that matter I've never obliviated anyone."

"Not you. Old you. The Headmaster."

"What?"

"I just talked with Professor McGonagall. She had no idea about our earlier conversation."

Harry was confused. "Really?"

Hermione nodded.

Harry frowned. "Sounds like something is up. But I'm telling you, I'm not the Headmaster. That's the crack talking."

Harry saw he was going to get no help and Hermione was still upset with him. "Fine. I'll talk to the barmy old coot and find out what's going on."

He looked down at his costume and saw his utility belt was stocked. He had his small whip in hand and was waiting to follow to his partner's lead.

"Remussy, I's going to unleash this whoop-ass can and open it! Watch my back!"

He didn't need to be told. There was only one thing he enjoyed more than watching his partner, Cissy Chaos, the Avenging Topless Elf's back. And that was watching her front.

"Oh be careful Cissy. The evil doctor has some nefarious plans tonight."

Showing no fear, Cissy leapt into action. Time seemed to slow down with every running and gentle bouncing step she took. Remussy remained alert and on the lookout for danger.

An evil cackle echoed throughout the abandoned warehouse. "You will never get the antidote in time! The world is mine! Muhahaha!"

Cissy grabbed a firm hold on her can and popped her top. This was always Remussy's favorite part. She raised it up in the air. "Doctor Doombledore! It's over! We confiscated all the poisoned lemon drops. The only thing that's yours is a nice padded cell. And this whoop can of ass." She twisted her body back and forth looking for the source of the noise. Remussy kept his focus on her popped top and missed the evil doctor walking calmly away behind him.

Ten minutes later the only sound to be heard was Remussy's heavy breathing.

"Curses Remussy! Me thinks he got away!"

"You're probably right Cissy. I don't know how he does it." Remussy came out from behind a random but terribly conveniently placed barrel.

A loud clatter was heard and Remussy tackled Cissy to the floor. "I'll cover you!"

Cissy was looking around for the source of the distraction and saw a cat scurrying away.

"It's okay Remussy. It was just a cat."

Remussy barely heard her though as his face was buried in the place he had most wanted to put it.

"You can stop covering me now. The evil cat is out of range." Cissy explained to her partner.

Remussy reluctantly stood up and pulled up Cissy too. "Well you sure avenged him, Cissy."

"Somehow, I don't think we've heard the last of Dr. Doombledore."

"Whenever he rears his ugly head, we'll be there, Cissy. And we'll stop him." Remussy said with pride.

"I hope yous right Remussy. I hope yous right." She said with an impassive face and a nod. She turned her attention to her partner. "So you up for massaging my funbags? I'm feeling a bit taut."

Professor Lupin woke up sweating. He groaned and realized he had had the same dream. Again. And he promised himself he'd talk to someone about it if it happened a thirteenth time. He knew he should have stopped counting.

"Harry would you mind staying after class?" the Defense Professor asked. The rest of the sixth year Gryffindors and Slytherins left the room.

"Alright Moony. What's up?" Harry asked.

Sirius appeared. "Sweet mama! Moony, you're blushing!"

Remus blushed a bit more. "I am not! You're crazy, Padfoot."

Tom appeared. "You're right about Padfoot, but methinks dost protest too much."

Remus winced a bit. It was still a bit disconcerting seeing a representation of the Dark Lord who is more playful prankster than anything else. "I shouldn't be doing this."

Sirius let out a whistle. "Oh this is going to be good. Come on, Moony. What's up?"

Remus looked up at Harry. "I've been having a recurring dream."

Tom nodded in sympathy. "Is it about a dark evil spirit wanting to join with you and go torture some muggle babies and bath in their blood?"

Remus looked horrified. "Umm…no?"

Tom looked a bit sheepish. "Oh. Never mind then."

Sirius smiled excitedly. "So who is she? And how many times have you had to change the sheets?"

"Ewww!" Harry exclaimed. "Padfoot, bad!"

Remus frowned a bit and remained silent.

Harry noticed this. "Oh Moony. Tell me that's not the point of this."

Remus looked up at Harry and still remained silent. Harry began quietly whining.

Tom smiled. "So come on. Spill all the gory details."

Remus sighed a bit. "She's my partner in a crime-fighting duo. Cissy Chaos, the Avenging Topless Elf."

Harry looked thoughtful bringing one of the delightful mental images to the fore of his mind.

Sirius whooped loudly. "Narcissa? Nice choice Moony! She's aged damn well! You go, wolf-boy."

Harry looked at Sirius aghast. "That's your cousin!"

Sirius shrugged. "I was raised pureblood."

Tom added. "Many older families like to keep their money in the family. And by money, I mean-"

Remus yelled out "Yes. Thank you. We get it."

Harry seemed a bit indignant. "That just seems gross." He added after some thought, "Unless it's with some random Boy-Who-Lived and it's like twin sisters maybe." He was remembering the part-Veela Delacours. "Or regular sisters." He seemed to be thinking deeply, "Or the right mother-daughter combo would work."

Remus was looking at Harry a bit oddly.

Sirius understood exactly where Harry was coming from. "So come on Moony. What happens in this dream?"

Remus rolled his eyes and reluctantly repeated the dream.

"Remussy? Your name is Remussy?" Harry asked.

Remus closed his eyes. "That's what she calls me. But I have a feeling my full secret identity's name is Remussy Galore."

Harry and the ghosts all raised an eyebrow at that one. This was not your normal run of the mill recurring house elf sex dream.

"I think the wolf in me wants to mate." Remus explained.

Harry took a step back to be on the safe side. "And you're telling me this now because Cissy is my property?"

Remus looked a bit hopeful and shrugged.

Harry was getting a bit upset. "So what? You're like my neighbor asking to borrow my mower? Wanna take her for a ride and see how she handles around your hedges? Is that it?"

Remus winced at Harry's tone. "It's not like that. She thinks she's an elf and your opinion means more to her than her own does."

"Oh so, you're just buying my favor so I'll tell her to rub her funbags on you." Harry nearly laughed allowed saying 'funbags'. He maintained his irate appearance.

"No! No. I'm not trying to buy anything. I just need… you… " Remus trailed off as Harry was struggling to keep the smile off his face.

Harry couldn't take it and just blurted out again, "Funbags!"

Remus frowned. "You're making fun of me! Dammit Snatch. Just tell her, if she wants to or chooses to, that she is allowed to go out with me."

Harry was just laughing at the discomfort he had put Remus through. He thought it might be fun to compound it. "Cissy!"

With a pop, the Potions professor appeared. "Yes, Master?"

Harry kept his eyes on the frightened Remus. "Would you like to date Moony?"

Remus groaned. Cissy looked slightly confused. "Cissy not sure Cissy understand you, Master. What do you want Cissy to do?"

"I'm asking you if you would like to use your free time to engage in a relationship with Defense Professor." Harry explained.

"Harry, don't do this." Remus pleaded.

"Like Dobby and Winky, Master?" Cissy asked.

Harry snickered. "Not exactly like Dobby and Winky necessarily, but similarly, yes."

Cissy smiled brightly at Remus. "Cissy would like that very much, Master."

Harry smiled at the frustrated old Marauder in front of him.

Cissy clarified. "Cissy has seen what Dobby can do for Winky. Dobby's amazing. Cissy could use some of that."

Remus looked a bit concerned.

Harry was quick to point out, "I'm not sure the mechanics are going to be quite the same."

Cissy's face fell. "Oh. Okay, Master. Cissy understands woman body versus house elf body." She nodded sadly. "Cissy just been feeling taut lately and wanted her funbags rubbed down."

Remus's head perked right up. "I can do that." He was a bit distracted to see Tom and Sirius were hiding behind Cissy and periodically sticking their heads and hands through her to appear to be bursting out her cleavage or breasts.

Cissy smiled brightly. "Wonderful! Can you do Cissy now? Or should Cissy get back to the class Cissy's teaching?"

Harry's eyes widened and looked to Remus with his 'oops' face. "You should probably get back to class."

She disappeared with a pop and Harry suddenly realized what she had done. "Cissy!"

She quickly reappeared. "Yes Master?"

"Tell the class you have a faulty emergency portkey and that's why you disappeared. You're not supposed to be able to apparate in Hogwarts."

"Okay Master." And she popped away again.

Harry just looked a bit sheepish and smiled at Remus.

"Enter, Harry." The voice from inside called.

"Is this a bad time? I just wanted to ask you a couple things if you're not busy." Harry said.

Albus sat back in his chair. "I always have time for you. So, been practicing any evil black magics since we last talked?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "One time. It was one small time. It is not an addiction."

Albus frowned. "I see you are still struggling in the first stage of denial."

Harry glared at the old man.

"I want to help you Harry, but first you must help yourself."

"Anyway," Harry said with a raised voice. "Did you obliviate Professor McGonagall?"

Albus paused and considered the surprising question. "She is a very dear friend and colleague, Harry. The times you are referring to have always been at her request."

Harry was shocked. "What? Why?"

Albus frowned. "That is her private business and choice. Why are you asking me this?"

Harry relaxed a bit. "Oh. It's Hermione. She talked to the Professor about the possibility of Hermione going into the past and becoming the Professor. Next day, she had no clue about the conversation and Hermione thinks you and I are now the same obliviate-happy menace."

Albus's eyes widened. "Oh dear. That was not my intention."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Minerva approached me about it, our personal business was discussed, and she asked me to obliviate her of the personal business again. I fear I may have had a bit too much to drink. Actually, thinking about it, I think I was in the act of drinking when I obliviated her." Albus winced. "If she remembered what I'd done she'd be real pissed at me."

Harry chuckled a bit.

"You can assure Miss Granger that, as far as I know, a few hours is the maximum anyone has ever time traveled." Albus explained.

"Thank you sir. And I was also wondering what the rules are on relationships among the staff? Or for that matter staff members and student's personal property?" Harry subtly asked.

"Professor Chaos has a suitor?" Albus asked curiously.

Harry nodded. "She's going to have Moony rubbing her funbags."

Albus sighed. "Filius will be heartbroken."

Harry cocked an eyebrow. "I thought Professor Flitwick was married?"

"Are you kidding?" Albus asked incredulously. "Have you not seen how happy he is?"

Author's Note: This was the last chapter I've written for this story. Without a plot, it just kind of ambled a while and then I got other story ideas in my head. Primarily the Where in the World universe took over most of my humorous scenes. Reviews are still appreciated.