Summary: It's Commander X-2's wedding day. . .and just about everything you could think of goes wrong! Will he ever make it to the ceremony or is he doomed to stay a bachelor for the rest of his days?

Disclaimer: Duck Dodgers and anyone in it are property of Warner Bros. This is just an idea inspired by the coupling of X-2 and Tyranni in "Of Course You Know This Mean War and Peace" and by the name of the upcoming episode (which I just found out has nothing to do with the couple. That title is so misleading). By the way, the relatives, are pretty much my invention. The lines equal a cut to another scene.

Cash, Dash, and a Wedding Bash

The sun peaked out over the Martian horizon as the two moons began to set. The hustle and bustle of the city of Cydonia was just starting to slow as Martians were both settling down to sleep and just beginning to wake to the new morning. In a penthouse apartment, one Martian remained blissfully unaware of the goings outside as he continued dozing in bed.

"Wakey wakey! Time's a wasting!" A gloved hand grabbed his shoulder and shook him awake.

"Uh-what?" The Martian commander blinked awake and rubbed his eyes in confusion.

"Come on now, up up! Mustn't be late!" A high nasally voice spoke out to him as someone pulled the comforter away and pulled him out of bed.

"Right, right, don't want to be late!" He parroted sleepily, not having a clue what was going on.

"Let's see. . ." The being continued on, "Now you wash up while I go look for a robe." The little Martian put up little resistence as he was shoved into his bathroom. Yawning, he lazily turned on the sink facet and splashed the icy water onto himself. He was still rubbing his face when the Martian's exhausted eyes suddenly snapped wide open. It had just dawned on him that there was an uninvited guest in his bedroom.

"Towel?" The cheery little voice returned offering a hand towel.

"AAHHH! Who are you and what are you doing in my room!" He turned toward a short, sandy-haired Martian about his own size and build.

"Well, why wouldn't I be here on my big cousin's big day?" The slightly taller Martian blinked for a few minuted before a vague recollection kicked in.

"Gustav?"

"Gus." The other corrected as he adjusted his oversized glasses.

"Right. . .Gus. So, Gus. . .HOW'D YOU GET INSIDE MY HOUSE!" The Commander screamed with enough force to send his cousin stumbling back a few steps.

"You always were a sore one." He muttered to himself as he wiped his glasses with his shirt. "I just thought you'd appreciate some of the family coming over!"

"You mean there's more of you!" The older Martian suddenly dropped his rant at the unexpected and certainly unwanted newsflash.

"Sure thing!" Happy to see any degree of decrease in temperament, Gus grabbed and dragged his cousin to the top stairs balcony. The entire downstairs was lined with Martians of all ages, it was impossible to see the floor

"HAPPY WEDDING DAY!" The swarm all shouted in unison.

"Gus,. . . who are all these people?"

"Don't you even remember your own relatives?"

"Well, actually. . ." The Commander brought up his forefinger to his chin in a mock thinking pose, "no."

"Well it has been nearly thirty years. . .I suppose I should reintroduce you to some of the folks." He yanked them downstairs and began pointing.
"There's Cousin Bobby, Uncle Rex, Aunt Rachel, Cousin Mel, Siren, Sirus, Timothy, Tommy, Armand, Sora, Will, Bill, Phil, Lil-" as he continued listing, thick fingers grabbed the Commander by the scruff of his neck and pulled him away through the sea of people.

"Hey, little cuz! Can't believe it's the big day!" A tall Martian pulled him into a huge bear hug.

"Th-thanks. . .And you are . . .?"

"Max. Oh man. . .It's been a while hasn't it! Seems like only yesterday us two were playing manhunt with my pup."

"Uh. . .?"

"You do remember Marcus?

"M-Marcus?"

"Yeah, I remember how close you two used to be." As if. The shorter Martian was sure that Stephen King must of had one of that cur's gentler ancestors in mind when he wrote "Cujo."Flashes of the snarling maniac animal his cousin was confusing with a dog sprang to mind.

Being introduced to the thing as a toddler, being told to offer the "nice puppy" a biscuit and then screaming in terror and pain as the animal chomped into the cookie and the rest of his arm.

Riding down the street on his bike. Then peddling like the devil was after him as he was chased until the mongrel caught up with him and tore his bike to shreds, leaving it only a twisted pile of medal and rubber.

Sitting in his car with his date after prom and clutching for each other as the demonic cur suddenly burst out of nowhere, covered in blood and filth as it snapped in rage and tried to claw its way inside.

Images of just last year when it grabbed him in its gapping jaws and dropped him in a pit with a bunch of other unfortunate souls, where it proceeded to bury them alive.

"Oh yeah. . .I remember. . .he's not here. . .is he?" He glanced around nervously, half expecting to be attacked by the monster that had plagued his dreams as a child.

"Nah." The commander breathed a sigh of relief and almost didn't pay attention as his cousin continued talking.
"Funny story actually. Turns out Marc was a Marci. Had a litter of pups about two months ago. Couldn't bring them all, but I figured you'd like to say hello to the twins. Say hello to Romulus and Remus!" He introduced two of the biggest, snarling, drooling beasts imaginable. Both growling in unison and displaying huge dripping fangs.
"I knew you'd like them! But you'll have to be a bit more gentle with these two. They're just puppies after all." Puppies? He couldn't imagine anything that looked less like puppies. Rabid prehistoric saber-toothed wolves maybe. The Commander quickly ducked behind some ankles.

"There you are!" Gus pulled him over toward a towering Martian that looked like he could barely fit in the house.

"I'd like you to meet Roscoe."

"H-hello." The gigantic Martian said nothing, but continued to stare down at the two.

"Oh I forgot to tell you. Roscoe took a vow of silence."

"You don't say." A doorbell rang.

"Oh goody, the suit's here!" Gus clapped his hands excitedly and soon returned with white box. "Here it is! Nothing too good for the groom!"

"With all due respect, I appreciate the offer, but I must tell you I already have a suit."

"With all due respect, cousin, you have a horrid sense of fashion."

"Excuse me!"

"Yeah I saw that hideous thing you had laid out. I wouldn't want my worst enemy buried in it. So I gave it to the good will truck before I ordered this one. Custom fit. You like it!"

"You gave away my suit! That was a rental!"

"Well, you'll forget all about it when you see what I picked out." Gus opened the box to show off a sharp looking black tux and tie. The older Martian exploded.

"It's exactly the same!"

"Pu-lease! Feel that?" He pulled his cousin's hand to feel the material. "It's Italian. Nice huh? And I was able to convince them to give you a discount, too."

"Listen here you little-ooh that is nice!" The Commander decided to forget the fact that he was going to be left holding the bill for two suits. . .just this once.

"Well, we should get going. Come on you two."

"What do you need him for?" The Commander jerked a thumb over at Roscoe.

"Roscoe here's going to be our personal assistant."

"Say what!" Before he knew it, the diminutive Martian was in the grips of a gigantic hand as Roscoe trudged up the stairs.

"Put me down! I have legs you kno-OW!" Roscoe abruptly dropped him onto the floor.

"Okay, Roscoe, you help him get ready while I make sure everything's on schedule down here." Gus called up from the bottom of the stairs.

"No really, that's not necessarIIIEEEEE!" All the smaller Martian's protests went unheard as his pajamas were ripped off and he was tossed into a tub of boiling hot water. He was held down under the water grasping for anything that would allow him to breath, until he was yanked out and wrapped in a towel.
His relief was short lived as he was grabbed in a choking hold and had a toothbrush and paste shoved violently down his throat. The caustic scrubbing continued until he was squeezed so hard he was forced to spit out the mint-flavored foam.
A minute later, the Martian Commander was beginning to wish Roscoe was still helping him brush his teeth as he saw the razor in the giant's meaty grip.

"Is everything set?" Gus was making his rounds making sure all the guests were dressed, had the address and were ready to take off at a moment's notice. He strolled over to where he had left the suit only to find an empty box. Puzzled he began searching and interrogating the guests.

"Gus! There you are! Uh, listen . . .there's a bit of a situation."

"Not now, Maxwell, I seem to have misplaced our favorite commander's suit."

"That's the thing I wanted to talk to you about. I just went outside to get some air and well . . . I found this." He held out a mud and drool saturated tux. "Turns out the twins were in the process of burying it in the backyard."

"Oh Jeez, oh. . .ah. . .we got to do something. . .ah. " Gus stuttered frantically as he tried to think of what to do.
"Quick, take this and go to #57 Solar St. Hurry! Move it!" Gus pushed the confused Martian and ruined tux out the door. Gus raced upstairs and into the washroom to find Roscoe pinning down his flailing cousin, a sharp shaving razor poised to his throat.
"Will you two quit messing around. We have a situation!" Gus went back downstairs as he flipped open his cell phone and dialed someone on speed dial.
"Hello, Sergio, this is Gustav. . .yes it is an emergency. . .what do you think? You think you can handle it in time. . .? Oh thank you, you're a gem!" He closed his phone just in time to see his frazzled cousin stumble behind him looking like he just escaped a near brush with death.
"Hey there. . .uh. . .what happened to your neck?" Gus looked at the red stained bandage around the Commander's throat. The Martian just made a labored gurgling sound before he was able to vocalize words.

"N-never mind that. I just want to get dressed, get married and wait for this nightmare to end!"

"Yeah well, that's going to be a bit of a problem . . . your tux had a little run in with Max's hounds and was their personal chew toy for a while."

"This cannot be happening! I'm getting married this afternoon!"

"Don't panic, cousin. I've talked with Sergio at the cleaners and he says he'll give your suit the highest priority. It'll be ready within an hour and a half at the latest." The groom-to-be said nothing as he stormed back upstairs to his rooms to put on some normal clothes. He yanked open his closet to find nothing but empty clothes hangers. Curious, he rushed over to his dressers and pulled out the drawers. There wasn't a single shred of clothing to be seen as he shook them upside down. And then he saw them. The two overgrown jackals were just finishing tearing up every outfit he ever acquired into a pile of assorted rags.

"Put those down, you worthless mongrels!" The Martian made a lame attempt at retrieving a shirt from one of the dog's jaws. The dog whipped him around and sank his teeth into the Martian's hand.
"AHHH! Down Down BAD DOG!" He grabbed the nearest blunt object he could get his hands on, a steel lamp. He continued to strike at the huge muzzle, however it was about as useful a weapon as a rubber duck. It seemed finally after thirty minutes of chewing, shaking and whipping him around like an old sock, the curs got bored and let him down to die in peace.

"Well, what happened?" Gus peaked into the bedroom and saw the shredded cloth.

"Oh nothing, I just had a little run with two out of the three heads of Cerberus and will now have to spend my next five paychecks on medical bills and a new wardrobe. Nothing special. Why do you ask?" The Commander glared at his younger cousin, just daring him to say something that would give him an excuse to slap him. Gus turned away from his wrathful cousin and began to search for anything that might assuage the Commander's temper

"Well there's always this." Gus pulled out the one hanger the mutts had missed. The only decent piece of clothing left was his commander's uniform.

"Hey, Ares, where's the war!" Some idiot in the house called out as he stormed through the living room and headed for the door. Another voice chimed in

"Planning on cutting down a few Earth punks on your way out or are you just moving your honeymoon to ground zero!" More laughter broke out until he finally made it outside.

"A-ha-ha-ha." The Commander snarled as he stared up his car. "First thing I do as king is to order the whole lot of you shot." He muttered secretly to himself. He was so glad he had managed to get the address from Max. At least now he might have a few precious moments away from his insane relatives.

"Hey wait a second!" Gus ran out toward the car before he could escape. "Don't you want someone to come with you?"

"Despite what you may think, I am quite capable of taking care of myself and accomplish this mediocre task. You just get those people out of my house and at the temple. I'll meet you there. AND DON"T YOU DARE TELL ME I NEED THAT GIANT FREAK TO HELP ME DRESS!" The Commander shifted into drive and took off as fast as physics would safely allow him.

He drove up to the dry cleaners a while later, taking in with some foreboding the locked gates and lack of activity. He strolled toward the door and read the posted sign reading.

Gone on Leave. Back in two weeks.

"Two weeks! This cannot be! Lousy stupid OW" in his rage and frustration, Marvin had kicked fiercely at the door, jamming his own foot. Balancing on one leg and cradling his throbbing foot, Marvin continued ranting until he noticed a note that had been taped to the door fluttering to the ground.

"What's this?"

Dear

"Mmm the name's smudged."

Heard about the incident with your suit. I would have handled it myself but I was just called in to help with a family crisis. Seems by brother's summerhouse in the Venusian desert got completely submerged in a flood during monsoon season. Don't worry, I sent your suit to a friend of mine on Earth. Trust me, he's one of the best. You'll be spruced up and ready to wed in no time. Can't have the Queen's consort showing up in rags, can we? Address is enclosed inside.

"Earth! He sent it to Earth? Of all the stupid-And exactly how am I supposed to get through the new shields and back without being toasted like marshmallow?"

A dinged up and rundown lime green shuttle lurched through space, sputtering smoke through it's worn out engines. The Martian avoided eye contact with everyone and just stared ahead irritated as he sat between two oversized slug monsters.

"Just my luck." The Commander pulled out and looked at his pathetically empty wallet "Of course the bus shuttle would only accept cash." He grimaced as the two gargantuan bodies he was sandwiched between shifted and squashed him further. He sighed and glanced up and saw a hefty looking amphibian female. Her frog-like face grinned and her long tongue darted out to the passing refreshment cart, grabbing a bag of peanuts. She never lost her smile as she chewed away. Her tongue stuck out again as she presented her creation: a drool saturated heart of chewed up peanuts with a crinkled blue bag background.

The Commander shrank back in disgust, trying to disappear into his seat. The tongue shot out again, wrapping around the diminutive Martian, pinning his arms to his side in a constrictor's grip and lifting him into the air
"Y-y-y-yes?" he squeaked, a cold sweat running down his face as he was forced within an inch of the gaping, grinning mouth.

"Care to dance, sugah?" She croaked in a deeply masculine voice.

"AAHHHH!"

The second the shuttle landed, a screaming two-foot tall Martian was the first thing to race out through the doors. He ducked into a men's room and looked dejectedly at his face, which was smothered in huge purple lipstick kisses. He turned on the facet and dunked his head in the water-filled sink in a desperate attempt to wash the marks and memory away.

He creaked the door open and peaked outside. There wasn't a sign of the lady anywhere. Finally convinced he was safe, he eased outside and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Freeze, Martian!" His eyes bugged out as he realized an entire swat team of Protectorate guards had him surrounded with drawn phasers all trained on him.

It was dark. So dark that you couldn't even see a person's eyes. Suddenly a spotlight shone on him. He was no longer in the bus station, but sitting on a stool in a room. He turned toward the darkness where he knew the particular audience who watched his every move would be.

"I don't know how they found me so quickly either, folks."

"Who are you working for, Martian?" A familiar voice rang out around.

"Well, I think it would be fairly obvious after two seasons."

"Never mind the wise cracks! Martians entering Earth territory without prior notification or permits, is an extremely large cause for suspicion. So I must ask, what are you doing here?" Star Johnson materialized out of the darkness into the light.

"I came to pick up my laundry." Johnson's eye quirked in a mixed expression of confusion and skepticism. "What? I mean it. I'm sorry if I sounded sarcastic."

"Aren't you that Martian that Her Highness is engaged to?

"Yes."

"The news says she is to be married today. Why aren't you there?"

"Because the Fates think ruining my life is more entertaining than HBO. Look I have no intention of destroying the Earth. . . today anyway, so if you don't mind, I'd like get back to Mars before my fiancé runs off with the wedding singer."Another human the Commander recognized as the secretary of the stratosphere, Dr. I. Q. Hi, appeared behind Johnson

"Well, I'm sure we all would like to get on our way, however, we must follow standard procedures. First you will have to answer a few questions. You will need to fill out these forms." He dropped a stack of papers twice his size into the Martian's hands. "In triplicate. You'll need to apply for a temporary visa, show at least five separate pieces of ID. You'll also required a note from an office of Martian authority that you bear no ill intentions toward Earth and/or its citizens during the duration of your visit, and of course pay a fine for your initial trespassing, a minimum amount of 1000, which if not paid, unfortunately, could land you in for about 2 to 4 years in prison time." The Martian looked up at his stack of papers, his left eye twitching.

"GAHHH!" Flinging the stack into the air, Commander X-2 leapt up from his seat and onto I.Q.'s chest, grabbing his coat in his hands and forcing the human to eye level. "Listen here you fashioned-challenged, paper-pushing civil servant! I just woke up this morning only to find my house half infested with relatives I didn't even know I had! I was nearly boiled, strangled and slashed in a span of thirty seconds! My only suit and I were viciously manhandled by two steroid infused demon dogs! My idiot cousin handed it over to a cleaner who's relatives decided to live in the only desert in the galaxy that has a flash flood in one night! I had to suck five dollars in change out of a payphone to take the cheapest shuttle into enemy territory, only to get crushed by two obese passengers and molested by another who proclaimed her love for me in half digested legumes! Now you and your goons insist on playing 20 questions with me and I'm getting married in 3 hours! The ice is getting progressively thin! Do not toy with me!" Johnson, I. Q., as well as any other Protectorate officers who might have been in the area, looked on warily at the Martian teetering over the edge.

"Uh. . .maybe we could let you off with a warning."

Okay listen up, I didn't mean for this to run so long, but I was feeling inspired. As a result the second part isn't even done yet (it's getting there, don't worry). But I didn't want to leave you with nothing, so I decided to split this story in half and give you the first part. Yeah, our favorite Martian's troubles are far from over. Just think of this as a two part episode.