The Apple Tree War (cont.)
By tikitikirevenge

Legal note: I don't own any of the characters used in this story. Insofar as I know, they all belong to Nintendo or HAL Labs or some teenage lawyer. Of course, that will all change at midnight, when operation Eagle Breeze is complete… mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh, and if any intelligence organizations are reading this, that was a… pun. No! I meant – a joke. Yes, a joke. Nothing suspicious. No stolen golf carts or marshmallow launchers involved. Just a joke.
Phew.
Wait wait! That was part of the joke… I'll just start typing before someone gets arrested:

Act 3 – Resolution, Denouement, Conclusion, Berceuse and Finale

The two masses of fighters faced each other. You could cut the tension with a knife.
"I know," said Kirby. "Why don't we stop fighting?"
"Good idea!" said everyone.

By tikitikirevenge, 2005.

THE END

"But first, can we reach some sort of climax?" suggested Coo, who was very wise.
"Okay," said everyone.
"And it should be exciting after that anticlimactic and rather unfunny joke about dyeing," he added.
"Okay," said everyone.
"And we should cut out the group voice thing. We're all separate people."
"Okay," said the majority of the individuals.
Everyone fell quiet.
"So…" said Chuchu. "Are we going to do anything?"
Nobody spoke.
Wind whistled through the blades of grass in Green Greens.
"CHAOS!" screamed Kirby, charging towards Chuchu's army. He ran fast, and stopped only when he collided headfirst with the rock which Chuchu was standing on.
"Ooo… ergh…" he mumbled, lapsing into unconsciousness.
Everyone else stood silent in shock.
"That was… an inventive tactic…" began Chuchu.
Silence once again came upon the greens.
"CHARGE!" added Chuchu.
It was just like a medieval war movie, except it wasn't a movie. Or a war. Or medieval. And the only things rushing headfirst at each other were unarmed Waddle Dees. They burst into smoke at first contact.
"Remind me again," said King Dedede, who was very fat. "Why did we enlist all these Waddle Dees to fight for us?"
Nago shrugged. "They come with free hats," he guessed, as about ten Waddle Dees ran into his back and imploded.
"Weren't half of those on our side?" said Dedede.
"Possibly," said Nago. "Look! I got a sailor's hat!"
"Well I got a invisible caps!" exclaimed Gooey. sic

On the opposite side of Green Greens, Rick and Dynablade were sitting back, trying to get some rest.
"The Waddle Dees can be distracting," muttered Dynablade, as a group of Waddle Dees with umbrellas exploded on her back.
"Maybe we should actually fight each other," suggested Rick.
"What do you mean?" said Chuchu.
"As in ceasing our distraction and scare tactics and actually trying to hurt our enemies."
"Of course," said Chuchu in awe. "It's brilliant. It's original. We get our armies to fight! Rick, you are going to be remembered for your amazing idea for a long time."
"And how long is that?" said Rick.
"However long it takes me to convince everyone that it was my idea."
"Fair enough."

"I think they're planning something," whispered Nago to Kirby.
"Mf. Wha-?" said Kirby, looking up from his bowl of sugar coated Waddle Dees.
"I think they're planning something," repeated Nago.
"Good," said Kirby. "The sooner Dedede and his evil minions come up with a plan for us to fry that horrible octopus, the soo-"
"No, no, no," said Nago. "Chuchu and her army of suicidal Waddle Dees. They're up to something."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" said Kirby, looking up from his bowl of sugar coated Waddle Dees.
"Our enemies are planning something."
"Oh," said Kirby. "So what do we do?"
"I don't know; that's why I told you."
"Okay," said Kirby. "We need someone smart to help us think up a plan. Like…"
"Coo?"
"Yeah, he'll do."

About twelve minutes later…
Rick and Meta Knight dragged a struggling Coo towards Kirby.
"Meta Knight!" said Kirby. "Are you on our side now?"
"No," said Meta Knight. "I'm actually your father."
Kirby gasped in shock.
"It was just a joke," laughed Meta Knight. "You know, a joke? Because this story is supposed to be funny?"
"Right…" said Rick. "Funny."
"I'll never help you!" said Coo. "This entire battle is poin-"
Kirby inhaled Coo to become
PARTIALLY-INTELLIGENT KIRBY!
Using his amazing powers of thought, foresight and logic, Kirby deduced what his opposition was planning.
"Uh oh," he said. "I think they're genuinely going to attack us!"
"What do we do?" said Nago.
"Run around in circles screaming," said Kirby.
"Good thinking," agreed Nago.
"Waddle Dees!" ordered Kirby. "Run around in panic!"
The Waddle Dee has evolved to do exactly that with a high level of skill. The Waddle Dees quickly organized themselves into the most chaotic formation imaginable, and then, taking their time, hastily started to run around in circles.
"They can't talk," Dedede whispered to Kirby. "You'll just have to imagine the screaming."
Kirby tried to imagine what Waddle Dee screaming would sound like.

"DSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSD," said Dynablade.
"What does that mean?" wondered Rick.
Chuchu paused to interpret. "She's saying they're surrounding themselves with panicking Waddle Dees. They'd perform a near-impenetrable shield."
"CHKACHKACHKACHWTF?KACHKACHKACHKACHKACHAA," said Dynablade.
"You don't really talk like that, do you?" said Rick.
"I'm not telling."
"Nobody seems to appreciate me any more," muttered Rick gloomily.
Chuchu stood tall. "Everyone! Let's kill Kirby! Now or never! Do or die! Freedom or death! Hate or peace! Speeches or action! Black or white! Politicians or intelligence! Justice or law! Bright or dark! Humour or this speech! CHARGE!"
Everyone charged. No, I'm not going to say something funny like 'charged it to their VIP card' or 'charged their Warp Star cell phones'. That would be too predictable.

"Quick!" said Kirby. "They're charging at us. Nago, go over to Chuchu and tell her to surrender!"
"No way," said Nago, trying to remove a ball of yarn from his claws.
"Gooey, you do it."
"Uh?" said Gooey, tripping on his tongue. "Uh… no. No."
Nago picked up Gooey and tossed him to the other side of the battlefield.

Gooey landed on a tulip, incurring the wrath of Chuchu.
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SQUASH THAT BEAUTIFUL TULIP WHO NEVER DID YOU ANY HARM IT IS NOT LIKE IT WANTED YOU DEAD OR ANYTHING SO NOW I WANT YOU DEAD AND I AM GOING TO POUND YOU INTO THIS SHARP PIECE OF WOOD LIKE THIS TAKE THAT AND THIS AND THIS IS FOR THE TIME YOU LANDED ON THAT OTHER TULIP SO TAKE THAT AND BY THE WAY WHY ARE YOU HERE?"
"Oo-er…" said Gooey, who was really quite dizzy.
"Well?" said Chuchu impatiently.
"Oh. Uh… surreh- no, render!"
"What?"
"Surrender!" said Gooey happily.
"They surrender?" said Chuchu.
"Ya!" said Gooey happily.
"Oh," said Chuchu. "I guess that means we can stop fighting."
"You're actually taking a non-violent approach?" said Rick in wonder. "Chuchu, that's fantast-"
"Come to think of it," said Chuchu, "we'd better blow them up just to make sure."
Rick sighed, incurring the wrath of Chuchu.
"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY DECISIONS REMEMBER I AM A FEMALE SO DON'T BE MEAN TO BE AND DON'T HURT MY FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU'LL MAKE ME ANGRY AND YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY ALTHOUGH COME TO THINK OF IT I ALREADY SEEM TO BE ANGRY SO I GUESS THAT'S OKAY THEN…"

Kirby and Nago sat on the other side looking at the mass of angry Cappies and Bronto Burts heading right for them.
"I don't think they're surrendering," said Kirby.
"Really?" said Nago. "Well, at least we have the elusive Scarfy on our side…"
A considerable number of Scarfies hovered above their heads.
"Attack!" said Nago.
Nothing happened.
"Er… please attack!" said Nago.
"Oh well," said Kirby. "If they can't protect us, I can always eat them." He tried to inhale them.
The Scarfies, aggravated by the noise, transformed into the deadly demonic death-dealers of Scarfydom, and flew headfirst into the Bronto Burts, causing them to explode with considerable force.
"Go Scarfy things!" cheered Kirby, rummaging through a knapsack.
"Uh… Kirby," said Nago. "I took the popcorn out to air. It's behind that rock."
"Did you eat any?" said Kirby, retrieving the popcorn.
"Half a kernel."
"Urge to kill… rising…" muttered Kirby. "Must… kill… Nago… but first… popcorn Waddle Dee… delicious bite-sized pieces… of Waddle Dee… fried to a crisp… Maxi combo only… five ninety-five…"

A lot of fighting later…
"This is horrible," said Whispy Woods, looking towards the bloodshed (had Dreamlanders had blood) and death (could Dreamlanders have died) that was occurring on the reddened Green Greens (if Whispy wasn't colour-blind).
Coo stumbled over to the shade of Whispy Woods. "Kirby broke my wing," he said, still in shock. "He thought that owl tastes like chicken."
"Ridiculous," said Whispy Woods. "Owls are a lot sweeter."
Coo nodded in confirmation. "Exactly. And besides, he could have eaten- wait, how do you know what owl tastes like?"
"OH NO, A WAR!" shouted Whispy, motioning towards Green Greens.
"Oh, how terrible!" said Coo. "We must end this now!"
"But how?"
"Tell them that what they're fighting over isn't true, Whispy! They'll only believe you!"
"CITIZENS OF DREAMLAND!" shouted Whispy Woods.
Over on the battlefield, everyone turned to look.
"THIS WAR IS POINTLESS! WHAT YOU ARE FIGHTING OVER NEVER HAPPENED!"

"It never happened," said Rick, stunned.
"What are we fighting over, again?" said Chuchu, flattening a few more Waddle Dees against walls.
"I can't remember now."

"This is exciting," said Kirby, munching on a few fish skeletons. "And why are we warring, anyhow?"
"Good queshon," said Gooey, lishping badly.

"I don't think they get you," said Coo.
"I can see that," said Whispy, slightly aggravated. "YOU WERE FIGHTING OVER AN APPLE THAT FELL FROM MY BRANCHES!"
The people of Dreamland were sceptical.
"What if he's lying?" shouted someone.
"Let's kill Whispy instead!" shouted another bystander.
Everyone charged towards Whispy Woods.
"Well, I may not be able to fly," said Coo, "but if I start limping now I should be well clear of the area by the time they get here."
And with that, he fled.
"No! Don't leave me here!" said Whispy, trying to follow Coo. Granted, he was more or less invincible, but he shuddered to think of the sort of humiliating things they might do to him.
The army of Dreamlanders closed in on him.
"No!" said Whispy Woods, trying to escape. He then realised he was rooted to the spot. In his attempts to follow, many apples went flying from his leaves, and all of them landed on Kirby's head. As earlier stated, Kirby's head was soft enough for the apples to bounce off and squash or render unconscious everyone except for Kirby and Chuchu.
Kirby and Chuchu stared grimly at each other. "So it comes to this," said Kirby.
"You two! Listen!" said Whispy. "Nobody told me to drop that apple. It was an accident. I tried to move towards you, forgetting that I was rooted to the spot by my roots. And an apple landed on your head. Heads."
"Oh, okay," said Chuchu. She and Kirby made amends in the space of about half a second and went back to their passionate kissing. "That explains everything," said Kirby. "Except…"
"What?" said everyone else at the same time.
"You're smart, Whispy. How could you have forgotten that you're immobile?"
"Unless…" said Rick.
"…it was part…" said Nago.
"…of a plan…" said Dedede.
"…to draw us all to war…" said Coo.
"…to lead you to our doom," cackled Dark Matter, floating in above the scene. "Looks as if I've won this time! Now I'll just possess you all…"
"Not so fast!" said Kirby, throwing a strange substance in front of you. "This Jello ought to take care of you! I owe that much to the people of Dreamland, and Ms Lone."
Kirby's jello slithered out into the open, making weird, abstract crackling noises as it surveyed its surroundings. The sunlight reflected a multitude of colours from it, including opal, blue, crystal, navy, aqua, and marine. It was a massive form with horrendous protrusions which may have been bubbles or baubles or boils; it was simply too shiny to tell. The silence which surrounded it only added to the eerie feeling that this was a desert someone should have eaten a long, long, time ago. And now it was there to, perhaps, eat Dark Matter.
It melted in the heat.
"There goes that," said Kirby. "Um… we surrender."
Dark Matter closed in on the crowd.
"NOT SO FAST!" shouted Ado. "My very pretty destruction machine will destroy you all! I mean, destroy Dark Matter! Not… jealous… about relationship between Kirby and Chuchu… despite blatant size difference… I mean, because of… DIE, DARK MATTER!"
Furiously, she ran towards Dark Matter brandishing her paint brush, tripped over a blade of grass, and was still.
"I can't take this idiocy any more," said Dark Matter. "I'm going."
And with that, Dark Matter took his leave.
Everyone cheered in relief.
"It's over!" said Kirby. "Everything's back to normal!"
"Pitch is dead," pointed out Kine.
"So?" said Kirby.
Everyone fell silent.
"Um… I don't have anyone exotic to nibble on?" suggested Nago.
"Not much of a reason," said Kirby.
Everyone continued to cheer in relief.
And the citizens of Dreamland all lived happily and fruitfully (get it? Fruit? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha not funny, tikitikirevenge, not funny) ever after.
Or at least for quite a while.
I'd say four days tops.

EXEUNT
CURTAIN