The Uneventful Story

By Snowflake Imp

Rated: R

Chapter 01

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. If it ever becomes mine, however, I owe everybody present a Coke.

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Diary entry No. 45, Vol. V

My life is shit.

There, I've said it.

I think all that Griffindor pride and fearful optimism has prevented me from saying it all these years. That, and I always tried to think of starving babies in third world countries.

Well, I think it's high time I got a bit selfish for once. And I think a lot of self-pity is due. None of this "Well, I have it quite well if you really thing about it" business.

So I will say it again.

Hermione Granger's life, is shit.

Bollocks, that felt grand.

My life, is shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.

Complete and utter SHIT.

…..and now, I shall take an overdue holiday.

Why?

Because my life is shit.

Gods, this is addicting.

Ta.

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The office was abuzz. Hermione Granger, Head Alchemist for the Ministry's Department of Research on Poisons and Cures, was actually taking two weeks off. Not for a conference. Not for independent study time. But for a vacation.

"Are you sure she said she's going on holiday? Are you sure she didn't say, to research that new potion we're working on?" Amanda Clese whispered to her co-worker.

"She bloody went up to the Minister she did, and told him she's going on holiday and if he didn't like it, he could shove it up his arse!" he replied, whispering fiercely.

"I….I don't know what I feel about this at the moment," Amanda said faintly, fearing the next bit of news she would hear was that dinosaurs were still roaming the earth.

"All right people, all right!" a gruff Arthur Weaseley announced. "Let's keep our heads about us!"

People shuffled around him, murmuring, "Yes Minister," feebly.

"Now, Dr. Granger is taking a vacation. No big deal, right? Everybody takes vacation and blast if all if she doesn't deserve it the most. For all the years she has dedicated to us, not once had she taken a sick leave or left on holiday. Even during Christmas!"

Arthur began to pace. "I mean, two years ago, she actually brought paperwork to the table. The table! Right when Mrs. Weaseley was carving the Christmas goose! And it was a delicious goose, if I dare say. The most succulent, juiciest – "

"Minister? If you could move it along," his assistant, Alex Grace, nudged him gently.

"Right! We can all survive two weeks without our resident genius, but it'll take determination and teamwork in order for the days to run smoothly. I'll have Alex check up on you for the next few days, just to make sure things are alright. If you need anything, take it up with him. Dismissed!" Arthur finished, turning smartly back into his office.

The researchers looked at each other nervously, and reluctantly returned to their work.

"Close the door, my lad," Arthur whispered urgently, attempting to look unruffled as he flipped through a few papers on his desk. He smiled nervously at the secretary that was walking past.

As soon as the door closed, the papers dropped to the floor and his head was in his hands.

"Oh, we're doomed!" he wailed. Alex stoically removed a well-placed handkerchief from his breast-pocket and handed it to the Minister with practiced ease.

Arthur blew into it unabashedly. "What will we do without her? She's the only one who can keep those eggheads together and now that she's gone, they'll be back to concentrating on their own blarmy experiments and we'll have parrots with octopus tentacles by noon tomorrow!"

"I'm sure everything will be fine, sir," Alex remarked dryly. "Hopefully by the time they remembered what life was like before her, she will have already returned."

"Doomed! Doomed doomed doomed!" Arthur cried, messily wiping his nose with the cloth.

Used to his displays of hysterics, Alex merely stood next to the babbling man, offering gentle, if not bored, comfort.

"Who's doomed, Dad?" Ronald Weaseley inquired, plopping down in one of the uncomfortable chairs in front of the desk.

"Wha- Ron! Wha…what are you talking about?" Arthur said nervously, attempting to make his voice sound jovial.

Ron shrugged, polishing an apple on his shirt. "I was walking by and I heard your voice blaring down the hall about being doomed."

Arthur froze.

Alex didn't bat an eye. "It's the acoustics of the building sir; sound tends to travel better when doors are closed."

A voice from outside chimed in, "And we already finished that experiment with the parrot and octopus! Who does the same experiment twice!"

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Diary entry No. 45.5, Vol. V

I might as well let it all out, now that the shit part is getting old. No more holding back my feelings and thoughts – self loathing be damned! This is a diary, and from this day forth, I shall use it properly.

Reasons why my life is shit (in no particular order):

Although one of the brightest witches to come out of Hogwarts, and despite the prestige of being top researcher for the Ministry, I am not respected. People treat me as if my intelligence is a given, and a tool for them to use whenever and however they please. After they get what they want, it's back to treating me horribly. I'm not a bloody jukebox!

Harry and Ron, though I love them dearly and I know they love me, are so madly in love with a.)their careers and b.) the women in their lives, that I have taken the role of the fifth wheel. This isn't a recent development in their behavior.

I am 28, and am a virgin. Not only a virgin in sex, but also a virgin in groping, kissing, hand holding, smoldering eye contact, flirting, and whatever fun, naughty things that involve the opposite sex. Bugger.

Besides Harry, Ron, Ginny, and maybe Lavender, I have no friends. The rest of Weaseley clan are my friends as well, I suppose. I have my minions at work, but they don't really count. I find I'd rather have a few good friends than a lot of superficial ones, but this is ridiculous.

Crookshanks died two months ago and I have still not mourned for him properly. Instead I threw myself into my work. Now there is not only sadness, but guilt.

I haven't bought a new pair of shoes in over 7 years.

That last one didn't really count, but I don't care. I'm tired of these ugly shoes I bought for comfort and because they were only on sale.

Last, but not least, the driving reason as to why I think my life is shit. I shall continue in smaller print: The man whom I've been crazy about for the past two years is not only not interested in me, but rumors have it he now has a girlfriend. I could say it's all my fault for not acting faster on my feelings, but the truth is, I know that even if I tried, that beautiful, beautiful man would probably still reject me.

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There! End of first chapter! I know it's all a bit inane, but as the title explains, it's an uneventful story. At least for now. This is my first fanfic, so please let me know what you all think! Eventually, there will be lots of romance and angst and hijinks for all!

I draw my inspirations from fanfics that are WONDERFUL and hopefully I am not plagiarizing them (like Temporary Insanity, Experience, and many many more that integrate class, romance, angst, and humor all in one!), silly shows like Monty Python and Simpsons (did you get the jukebox and octo-parrot references?), and silly books like Terry Pratchett and such. Oh, life is so full of things to draw inspiration from!

Note: My biggest weakness is, yes, tenses. This isn't 11th grade English class folks. I hope you know what I mean in the story. If not, flexibility should be considered.