Food for Thought

By Khavi

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, so please don't sue.

Warnings: This is a slash fic that includes SS and RL. The content may disturb some, so if that person happens to be you, you are warned. Information about eating disorders comes from my own experiences and research I've done.

The eating disorder was something Remus had struggled with most of his young life, and his entire adult one. It did not spring from his jealousy of James and Sirius' lithe forms during their school years, although he did envy them. It had started sometime before they met.

No, this went far back. It started with his cousin Marissa. Marisa was had been his best friend and only playmate as a child. She was 5 years older than him and had a gentle way. She always had the time and patience to play Pirates and Aurors with him. But one day after their families had eaten dinner together; Marissa excused herself from the dinner table and wandered away.

Remus had been hurt. He wanted her to laugh and play with him like she always did. He followed her to where she'd locked herself away in the bathroom. Through the door, he could hear sounds of coughing and retching. Timidly, he knocked on the thick wood.

"Lissy? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Remy."

"Are you sick?" he asked, pressing his ear against the door.

The sound of the lock clicking alerted him that she was coming out, so he backed up. The door swung open and Remus looked up at his pretty cousin. Her fair hair hung limply around her face and red eyes. He was worried. Marissa looked ill and a little weak on her feet.

"You okay?" he asked, touching her arm. The skin under his fingers was clammy and had a greenish hue.

"I'm fine," she whispered back, brushing her hair out of her face. She didn't look fine at all to Remus. In fact, she looked awful.

"Lissy…"

"Look Remy, I've sort of got some things I need to do…" she started, eyes averting to the floor. She looked up in surprise when her younger cousin cried out and attached himself to her arm.

"Lissy!"

She looked torn. It was apparent that she wanted to get back to whatever she was doing in the bathroom, but she also didn't want to leave Remus there alone.

"Look, Remy. I have sort of a secret. I'll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone else, okay?"

Remus nodded eagerly and Marissa opened the door more, allowing him to come in. She closed it quietly and Remus watched as she sat on the floor. She positioned herself in front of the toilet and pulled her hair back, away from her face. She smiled at him, confirming his suspicions that this was a really big secret. Remus must have been a good boy for her to have even thought of telling him.

She leaned forward and put one of her long fingers in her mouth. Remus watched with fascinated horror as she coughed and empted the contents of her stomach in the porcelain bowl. After a few minutes, she wiped off her mouth with a towel and rose shakily to her feet.

"What did you do that for?" he asked, still watching her.

"My boyfriend told me he wanted me to loose some weight. But Mum and Da made me eat tonight." She sighed and looked at him. To Remus, she looked thin enough as it was. She was 14 with a slender frame and thinning hair. Although she was a little on the short side for her age and her thighs were of a good size, Remus didn't see any reason for her to loose anything.

"Does it work?" he asked as she flushed away the remains of her meal.

"Yeah, it does. But you can't tell anyone, okay Remy?"

He nodded, desperately wanting to please her. "How does it work?"

"It's easy. Here, like this," she showed him just how to position his finger at the base of his throat. She tied his hair back with her hair band and he kneeled on the floor, wanting to impress her. At first, he didn't understand. He coughed and sputtered, only a little coming up. But she made it look so easy!

"No, look. You have to keep your finger in your mouth no matter what," she corrected.

He tried again, with a little more results than last time. She rubbed his shoulder and smiled. "It's alright. It's hard at first."

"How long have you been doing this?" he wondered, gazing at her.

"About three months," she explained. She told him about how she started, and about how she knew people who could even vomit quickly and quietly into coke bottles. Impressed, Remus decided to try again.

He was only 9 years old at the time. His condition grew worse with the passing of time. It was especially difficult to stop the urge during a full moon. He started vomiting up everything he ate the morning after he accidentally killed his mother's cat. The poor thing's remains were torn apart and Remus kept vomiting until all that was left was stomach acid. He flushed the blood and flesh away, feeling ashamed.

Of course it was embarrassing when he finally made it to Hogwarts. He was repulsed by what he saw when he compared himself to the other boys. His stomach was fuller than theirs and his arms were pudgier. At least, in his eyes they were. So he started purging more and more. He began to loose weight so he didn't give it a second thought when he started seeing red from burst blood vessels in his eyes and blood in his vomit. After all, what was more important? His appearance or his health? Remus choose his appearance.

Eventually, he made his way through his school years and into adulthood. He'd never been admitted to a hospital for his problem, so he didn't worry. When he'd finally landed the Defense Against the Dark Arts job, he couldn't believe it. It was what he'd always wanted.

The only problem seemed to be that the professors were expected to stay at meals for a designated amount of time and there were usually staff meetings afterwards. It was becoming harder and harder for the wolf to hide his peculiar eating habits from the other staff. He knew if he waited too long, the calories would be absorbed anyway.

When he found himself hunched over his toilet in his room, desperately trying to empty his stomach one night with no results, he felt lie a failure. Why had those damn meetings taken so long? Now how was he supposed to maintain his weight? He knew that vomiting three times a day had messed up his metabolism and it would be hard to loose all that he'd just eaten.

Feeling angry and disappointed with himself, Remus began to shed his robes. He looked at himself with disgust and climbed into his bed. Feeling empty and upset, Remus pulled the cover around himself tightly. Sighing, he closed his eyes and thought about the Owl his Aunt had sent him that day.

Marissa was in St. Mungo's. There was a hole in her esophagus and she would need an operation and some powerful healing drought to mend it. Not only that, but she'd dropped from a healthy 130 lbs to a staggeringly thin 92lbs. As awful as it sounded, even to Remus, all he could feel was envy towards her. How had she been able to loose all that weight when he'd only lost about 20lbs? He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't stop these feelings, even as he drifted to sleep.