Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, the wonderful Jhonen Vasquez does!
A/N: My first ZADR fic! My first Invader Zim fic on this site period! I'm not gonna ask you to be nice, though. If it really does suck go ahead and flame me. I'm proud to say I've never gotten one before. I posted this against my better judgment. I didn't think anyone would like this, its kind of short and cheesy and really stupid. Anyways, if you have any helpful comments on my writing, then please review. I love constructive criticism! I'm always looking to please the reviewers! And a note to everyone: I am taking plot bunnies and requests for one-shots. w00tage!
Zim observed. It was what he had done since he had arrived on Earth. He had conquered nothing, although he certainly had tried. For months all that Zim, invader from planet Irk, had done was observe. He observed the humans and their lifestyles, their food, their religion, their cultures. And now Zim was observing something entirely new. Two humans sat in the corner by the fence, holding tightly to each other, their mouths pressed together as though they were sucking out each other's souls.
"What is this display of violence for?" Zim asked himself, disregarding the fact that he was in the skool playground conversing with no one. The humans used their teeth to fight for dominance- the male seemed to be winning while the female had a tighter grip on her opponent. He stared until the contacts he wore to disguise himself as a human were dried out from the heat of the sun. And suddenly the battle ended, and they separated their mouths and both blushed heavily; probably from anger, Zim thought. "Why did they stop? There was no victor!" Zim exclaimed.
"Look at that freak!" cried Jessica, the very same girl who had once berated Zim for having no friends. "Watching people kiss like some pervert!"
The playground exploded into laughter, and Zim, for one rare moment, was speechless. Normally, he would spit something back in return, but because he had never seen this strange sort of combat before he could think of nothing remotely intelligent to retort. Instead, after a moment of searching for an adequate response, Zim yelled, "No! I just fell asleep! I have trained myself to sleep with my eyes opened!"
The children snickered again. "That's even weirder!" Jessica giggle. "You're such a freak!"
Zim hurried away to the shaded area of the playground, far from the laughter and the foursquare courts and green grass full of jump ropers. But rather than a moment of alone time, Zim found himself in the company of Dib, who sat under a tree reading one of his paranoid magazines. Zim snorted.
"What clues did you give our peers today, Zim? It won't be long before they realize that you're an alien," Dib growled, folding the corner of his magazine page down into a dog-ear and closing it in his lap. He wore a smug sneer.
"Never! My lies are far too ingenious! They aren't even near to guessing the truth!" Zim exclaimed.
Dib rolled his eyes. "If you say so," he sighed.
There was a comfortable silence as Dib found his page and returned to reading. Zim was fighting with himself. He wondered if he should ask Dib about the "kiss" as Jessica had called it. Being a proud Irken Invader, Zim was reluctant to lower himself to his inferior's standards. But if he ever again made a mistake like he just had, then it was very likely that Dib was right. The others might soon discover him and ruin his plans to take the planet Earth for his Tallests.
"Dib, explain a kiss to me," demanded Zim.
Dib looked up at Zim suddenly and stared, eyes wide behind his glasses, eyebrows raised in confusion. "A kiss! You're asking me about kisses?"
Zim felt even worse about his ignorance. It seemed to be the equivalent of asking an Irken why the Almighty Tallests were leaders or why their race conquered others. All the more reason for Zim to press his questioning further, "Yes, a kiss. Is it some sort of a fight? I saw a girl and a boy human doing a kiss."
Dib looked even more shocked. "You mean that you've never seen a kiss before? Your people don't kiss!"
Zim glowered, "No! Now will you answer my questions?"
"Well…" Dib thought for a moment. If he told Zim what a kiss was, he would be helping the enemy. A sudden sinister inspiration struck him. The idea of Zim running through the city, kissing every human he met, was one of the funniest things that Dib had ever imagined. "Humans kiss to show how much they hate each other," he said with a smirk.
"Really? How much they hate each other? How strange… what is it exactly?" Zim inquired, looking eager suddenly. The thought of a kiss pleased him. Was it a way to kill your enemies? Then he surely had a lot of kisses to make before he could conquer Earth.
Dib was still wearing his ominous grin. "It's not a battle, its just like how you salute someone you respect or greet a person with a wave. You kiss people you hate."
"What happens in a kiss? Do you just put your mouths together?" Zim wondered.
Dib shrugged. "There's a bit more movement with your tongue and lips, but you've got the gist of it."
"I would kiss people I hate? And the more I hate a person the more than I kiss them?" Zim asked.
Dib chuckled. "Yeah," he replied, struggling to look honest.
"Should I go around and start kissing the people I hate?" Zim questioned.
Dib nodded, biting his bottom lip to keep his smile and laughter under control. "Yeah, and you might want to get a head start!"
Dib had forgotten something very important.
Zim hated him more than anyone else on Earth.
Zim threw himself into Dib's lap, crushing the magazine Dib had been holding. He strangled Dib in a tight embrace and pressed his mouth firmly against Dib's. His long, serpent-like tongue slithered its way between Dib's lips. The squeeze grew tighter. His teeth dug deeply into Dib's flesh.
This was Dib's first kiss. It was full of hatred and agony, not love and compassion. It was rough and dirty, and in the skool playground. It was with a centuries old male alien…
Who, at the moment, was enjoying the kiss. It was Zim's first kiss, as well, and it felt tremendously satisfying. The more he kissed the less he hated Dib, as though the hatred was being drained out through a strainer, removing a heavy burden from his back. Dib's saliva consisted mainly of water, so it burned Zim's tongue and gums terribly, but the pain was almost pleasant. In fact, Zim did not think he ever wanted to stop.
Dib finally overcame the initial shock and forced Zim away angrily, cursing himself for his gigantic mistake. "Get off!" he roared, shoving Zim into the grass.
Zim was grinning. "I like the kiss. I understand why you humans do it. I will go kiss some other filthy human now," he announced, turning to leave.
"No!" Dib cried, snatching the hem of Zim's shirt. "You can't! Humans only kiss one person!"
Zim looked puzzled and even perked his antennae to display his confusion. "What do you mean?"
What do I mean? Dib asked himself. Why am I telling him this? Why don't I just let him go? "Humans are loyal to the person they kiss."
"Wait…so I'm stuck with you?" Zim complained, scooting back towards Dib so that they were sitting side by side against the tree trunk.
Dib blushed, Zim noted, exactly like the other humans had after their kiss. "If you want to look like a human."
"And that is my goal," Zim said. "So what do I do now?"
Dib's blush spread. "Kiss me again?"