Disclaimer: If they were mine, do you think we'd only have flying shirts? Forget it! Flying shorts more like it!
A/N: Angel reviewers (especially the DnKS-giRLs, who answered each and every one of my questions, which is why they get a special mention)! Yahoi! I know all of you guys loved the last chappie to bits and ickle pieces, but the summary says angst, and I live up to my summaries. Another bit of Tezuka/Fuji angst to maybe darken your doorway, but we're three-quarters of a way there, so don't leave me hanging! (by the way, to those who asked for the copy of the ahem, deleted thing from chapter three, I'll see what I can do. My email is going kablooey on me.) Also, I'm SO SORRY for making you wait for forever before posting! (author prostrates itself before reviewers)
A/N (part deux): This is actually first of two parts. Part two is also chapter five, so at the end of this, you will see a "To be Continued" sign. Don't panic. I'll probably post it within a year or so.
Note about the story: Basically, their families are like this: Tezuka- Mom, Dad, Grandfather, Older brother (in Kyushu), Older sister (in Europe, based in France) and little brother (Kaede). Fuji: Mom, Dad, Older sister (Yumiko), Younger brother (Yuuta).
Chapter Four: Wanting nothing more
'Cause I want nothing more than, to sit outside Heaven's door
and I listen to you breathing, is where I wanna be, yeah.
"Breathing", Lifehouse
It's two a.m. on a Sunday morning, and again, he's slept over at my place. He says he like it better here, because here he feels like he's part of a family. His 'tousan's always traveling and his 'kaasan works long hours at their publishing company. His sister's there, but she's taking her finals. Yuuta's always in his dorm at St. Rudolph's.
"Sometimes," he says. "It's like I'm all alone in the world, when I'm at home."
When he says that, it makes me want to hug him fiercely. I settle for pulling him close and planting a small kiss in his hair.
We cling together with a tenacity that belies our future separation. I haven't told him yet, but I think he knows.
I'm going to Germany. To heal my arm. I don't know when I'll come back. Maybe never.
But I… I don't know. I could put it off another year, but Ryuuzaki-sensei contends that my play will never be the same if I postpone my departure. I no longer know how to make decisions, especially if they concern him.
A cool breeze blows through my window, and he shivers slightly. I put both arms around him and pull the blanket over both of us.
It's still dark outside, and my curtains are blocking all but a few of the moon's rays. If I close my eyes, I can hear him, breathing slowly, and feel him, his every contour shaped perfectly to fit in my arms. I can smell him, clean soap and strawberry shampoo tickling my nostrils.
It's two-oh-five a.m. on a Sunday morning, and I debate on how to say good-bye to a person who means practically the world I live in.
I wake up to waffles and a maple syrupy smell in the air. I wake up at seven a.m. to his smiling face. He insists on feeding me.
Ryuuzaki-sensei asked me when she told me of the sports clinic. What will you miss the most, Tezuka? What holds you back from fulfilling your dream?
People automatically assume that my dreams involve turning pro someday. It used to be that I could see myself at Wimbledon. Now I'm looking into courses for law, and I cracked open one of my sister's art books the other day. I'm expanding my horizons, in the what-if scenario that I decide not to go to Germany after all. My arm doesn't affect my life, just my play. And my play isn't my life, not anymore.
For someone who keeps his eyes closed all the time, Fuji Syuusuke's sure helping me open mine.
I take him out for the day. First we pass by a church, since he's Catholic and he's supposed to go to mass, but since he went to the Anticipated Mass on Saturday afternoon, he can skip the Sunday ceremony. He prays for awhile, not like we do at temples, but he kneels and bows his head, and he doesn't speak. He opens his eyes and looks at the cross, stained-glass light falling on his face.
I'm postponing my decision. I'm waiting for a sign if I should leave or stay. What I tell him will be my final choice, irrevocable and unchangeable. I've asked my parents. They said that it's my arm, and it's my life, and whatever path I choose, they'll be there doing their best to guide me.
It was so cheeseball I thought I was going to turn green. What if I decide to stay and they ask me why? Does their answer apply even to my relationships?
I asked my grandfather. He said that he would be pleased if I took up law, not surprised if I took up art, and if I chose my tennis, well, good luck. He's blunt, my grandfather is, but he likes Syuusuke. The Fuji family is old money, and he knew Syuusuke's grandparents and knows his parents. I think my grandfather has a hint on what we share, and I think he understands.
My siblings know (about my having to leave for Germany). Mostly their reaction is similar to my parents, but Kaede's not old enough to fully comprehend what's going to happen. He thinks I'll leave and not come back like my older siblings. He looks at me with his big brown eyes and he asks me not to make anyone cry. My older sister does nothing but send me emails extolling the virtues of Europe in general and Germany in particular. I think she's lonely over there.
I feel a tap on my shoulder, jolting me back into the present. He's standing in front of me, grinning. "I'm done," he says softly, and he leads me out of the church. He stretches out in the sunlight.
"Nice day, isn't it?" he tells me, bounding to the bottom of the steps of the church. I follow at a more sedate pace, and meet at the bottom. His smile is sweet and serious at the same time.
What will you miss, Tezuka?
I'll miss Fuji's smile.
We go to a movie theater, buy the tickets to watch a movie. It's an action-comedy, since you wouldn't catch me or him in a romantic chick-flick type movie. I hardly even remember it. He laughed all the time, even at when the hero was dying. It made me quirk my lips in a half-smile sometimes. There was this scene in the movie where he held my hand. It was when the hero told his girlfriend that he had to leave her, because they didn't have any future together, not with him missing four of his fingers and half of his leg. The girl was crying and sobbing, and holding onto his three-fingered right-hand. Syuusuke was laughing then, but he was holding my hand, tightly.
I understood what he was saying. I really did.
Don't leave me, Kunimitsu.
I made my decision. I wouldn't be leaving for Germany after all. I told him and he threw his arms around me. We took a Print Club picture to celebrate. For once, both of us were smiling.
But as I later found out, the choice wasn't mine. Oishi's uncle did his routine examination of my shoulder and found that there was something like a crack in the joint. He recommended a specialist, who told me it was Germany or amputation.
It's my left arm. I'm left-handed. I could learn to cope, but it isn't vanity to want to keep both your arms, isn't it?
Isn't it?
I keep on thinking of the guy in the movie. And I substitute Fuji clinging to the stump of my arm. Ouch.
My parents were adamant. No son of theirs was going to lose his arm. 'Kaasan booked me on a flight to Germany in three weeks. 'Neesan was going to meet me at the airport. It was settled. All that was left were my good-byes.
I think he knew before I even told him. I broke the news to the whole team, at the same time. Kikumaru and Momoshiro were screeching their heads off and everyone was stuck in a sort of vague fog. Oishi had some inkling, since my doctor's his uncle, but I cannot forget Syuusuke's wide-eyed look as he took off running.
I didn't expect this.
I hadn't expected him to lose control. All the other players averted their eyes as I went after him.
I found him beside the shed, holding both hands up to his mouth. I thought he was throwing up, but then I saw his body shudder in a broken sob. There were some things you weren't supposed to see, ever, and Fuji Syuusuke having a nervous breakdown was one of them.
"Syuusuke. I'm… sorry." I said entreatingly, soothingly. I held out my hands to him, planning to give him a comforting hug, even though we were in school and we weren't supposed to have something like this.
Remember when I said I hadn't expected him to run away? I also didn't expect what happened next.
He pushed himself away from the wall with something like a snarl, something that sounded like "Why didn't you tell me?"
I didn't get the chance to reply, because he slapped me. I swear on all things holy. Fuji Syuusuke, tennis prodigy and all-around nice guy had slapped me across my face and sent my glasses flying across the bushes.
What will you miss, Tezuka?
I looked at the boy in front of me, blurry and panting and angry.
I will miss Fuji Syuusuke.
But I wasn't sure if he would care enough to miss me.
A/N: Over the top? Did you find any of it funny? Are you a Christian? What do you think of the movie "Saved"? Do you listen to rock music? Are my questions getting stranger? Will you ever answer my questions? What is the meaning of life? Was that too predictable? If you were a color, would you be purple? If you were a blade of grass, would you be reading this? Why ARE you reading this? Have you ever watched Rurouni Kenshin? What do you think of Shinomori Aoshi and Seta Soujirou together? If you were a bug, would you float like a butterfly and sting like a bee?If you were a sky, would you be brown? If you were water, would you flow? Would you make your mouse float to the review button and leave me one? Please?
A/N: (part deux) Any fic requests are also solicited, as well as reviews. Although it takes me all sorts of time frames to pop them out, they will arrive, somehow, some way. Leave me a review and a request and I'll try to work them into a nice little ficcie for toi.
TO BE CONTINUED