SPOILERS FOR BOOK 6! IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT YET, YOU SHOULD HAVE, BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T UP AT MIDNIGHT TO READ IT THE MINUTE IT CAME OUT!

Setting the setting: The same two girls from before – and if you don't remember them, that's too bad – were skipping down the road to Spinner's End. They stopped suddenly in front of an old, decrepit shack. The two girls knocked on the door and said cheerfully in a singsong voice,

"Jehovah's Witness! We're here to save you!"

The door promptly flew open to reveal a distressed looking Severus Snape. He cried out,

"Praise the Lord!"

At that point, the two girls just looked at each other, confused, and one muttered,

"Let's just kill him."

The other girl provided the trademarked "dun dun dun", as the first muttered insanely about how she always had to come up with the ideas.

With that, they grabbed Snape forcefully by the robes, nearly choking him to death, and proceed to drag him out of the house and in front of an oncoming Muggle bus. Unfortunately for Celia, his wife, and wonderfully for the rest of us, it didn't quite stop in time and send him flying into a bench. The shattered pieces of the aforementioned bench pierced his skin and then he died.

The girls did the happy dance of joy and skipped off back to Hogwarts.

Sometime later, at Hogwarts where nobody cared that Snape was dead and Dumbledore was miraculously revived because Snape killed Dumbledore's clone

The two girls Apparated – because they're special and the rules don't apply to them – conveniently into the boys Prefect bathroom on the third floor. Why the third floor? Because the third floor was where Fluffy was, and Fluffy rocks. And if you don't know who Fluffy is, stop reading immediately because we're about to kill you. Go us!

Anyways…somehow a very handsome Scottish boy by the name of Oliver Wood - who technically graduated three years before but came back to train the Quidditch team - came rushing, wearing nothing but a skimpy towel. The second girl – who was Ashley, by the way – gave a squeal of delight and followed Oliver into the shower.

The first girl – who was Kerri, by the way – spotted a tall red head, whom she also followed into the shower, only to slap him around a bit and then kiss him passionately. Well, they did more than kiss, but I'm choosing not to torture you poor reader any more than I already have. You can bow down before me later.

Then they decided to scurry on down to Hagrid's hut for the Gryffindor and Slytherin Care of Magical Creatures class that would be taking place there momentarily.

We would like to take this time out of our story to do a little disclaimer – We are not insulting Jehovah's Witnesses, well Ashley's not, but Kerri is, but she's bound for hell anyway, so it's all good. Also, we'd like to say that everything that happened to Severus Snape in the first part of this story did not really happen, we just really, really wish it did. Sorry, Celia! Right, and we don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, though Kerri would like to point out that she is still mad at Ron for that whole thing with Lavender, and Ashley would like to add that Draco's STILL sleeping on the floor.

The girls and Oliver, who had just decided to tag along, locked Hagrid in his hut, because they didn't want to hurt him, and they came him a couple large jugs of brandy to tide him over. Because, you know, they're not inhumane or anything, just to Severus Snape.

The Gryffindors and Slytherins filed their way down to the Forbidden Forest. Or, the Dark Forest, as they call it in London, but we're not in London, so TOO BLOODY BAD! The two girls summoned a pair of unicorns from the aforementioned forest and waited for the students to gather around.

While most of them looked pretty damn happy since we're such awesome teachers and that Potions class we took over kicked, a few of them /coughhackHermione/ weren't all that happy. Neither girl could figure out why, since they were ever so nice during the previous class, but didn't really care after Ashley spotted Draco and Kerri sighted Ron. However, their joyful reunion was cut rather short upon seeing that those bitches – no, not Hermione. For once. - Lavender and Pansy. Please note the lack of highly descriptive and rather demeaning adjectives that were left out so that the readers would be spared the mental torture.

And then Kerri just realized that her cat is six years old, and we're on the sixth book. Kudos to her and her cat who's SO much better than Crookshanks!

As Kerri debated whether or not to rant at Lavender about the whole snogging Ron thing or just to pummel her into oblivion, Ashley decided to take some of her pent-up rage out on that stupid, pug-faced bitch, Parkinson.

For the purposes of not scarring all you loyal readers for life, we have generously determined that it would be better for all of us if we left it out. Again, you can bow down to me later. Preferably in the form of reviews.

So, they decided to get on with the class, which really wasn't much of a problem, since the majority of the stupid idiots were already enthralled with the creatures. The second girl, Ashley, tore herself away from stroking Draco's hair long enough to say,

"These are unicorns. Get over them," and then went back to stroking Draco's hair. It's soft, for those of you who care to know.

Kerri, on the other hand, saw this opportunity as chance to make Ron pay. She cleared her throat and said,

"Mr. Weasley, please come to the front of the class."

Ron reluctantly came to the front of the class, his eyes not meeting Karolyn's.

Kerri started sternly,

"Ronald, go up to the unicorns and pull a hair from each of them. From their tails."

Ron gulped and asked,

"Don't they prefer females over males?"

"Yes, but Malfoy's busy at the moment," Karen – Kerri's having a little identity crisis at the moment, if you couldn't tell – then whispered into Ron's ear, "As long as you know how to flatter a unicorn, you'll be fine. So make sure you say how pretty she is and what a pretty girl she is. And make sure you use 'she' and 'girl'."

Ron trembled up to the unicorn and said,

"Hey there, pretty girl. You're looking lovely today."

The unicorn stared at Ron with a dangerous expression, chewing on a cud of grass, much like an angry bull. Ron, however, being as thickheaded as they come, was not discouraged by this, and started to walk around the unicorn, still saying things like, "She's a pretty one. I'm sure she's a heartbreaker."

The unicorn at this point stood up on its hind legs and began hitting Ron with his front hooves. This continued until Ron was on the ground with a broken nose. Then he said in a deep, rough, butch voice,

"My name is Joe and I'm all man, bitch. Why don't you sit your little punk ass down?"

Ron didn't bother protesting that he was already on the ground, and just whimpered in response.

In the meantime, Ashley was still occupied with Draco's hair and was quite comfortable by the looks of it, since the latter's head was in her lap. She couldn't help but smile maliciously at the look on Pansy's face as she failed to properly flirt with Oliver in order to make Ashley jealous. It was only after Pansy tried to touch Oliver that Ashley sprang into action.

She lifted Draco's head off her lap (to much protesting), and sauntered quickly over to the unicorn that wasn't preoccupied with mashing Ron. Ashley whispered something indistinguishable into its ear and smirked as she headed back over to where Draco was waiting forlornly and Oliver was looking trapped.

Without a moment's notice, the unicorn charged at Pansy and speared her through the heart with its horn. Ashley and some of the Gryffindors and a few of the Slytherins giggled maniacally as she died a slow and painful death. Only Hermione made any moves to help the dying girl, and, as per usual when Ashley and Kerri are around, she only succeeded in making a fool of herself.

Then, with a whispered word from Kerri, the unicorn turned on Lavender, who quickly met her own slow, painful death. This, Hermione did not try to help.

So, in conclusion, all was right in the world. And by 'the world' we mean ours. All was right in our world. As if to make a perfect end to a perfect day, a few students from each House had wandered into the forest, where the centaurs had come to take them away forever. The girls sold tickets to the show.