Falsity
Just A Penniless Writer
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.
Author's Plea: Silly and fun. The cotton candy of the Hermione/Lucius pairing. Contrary to thought, I have actually done some character research for this. Scary, huh?
But yeah, I'm just screwing around here so don't hate me. The premise is silly and unsubstantiated, the characters will be OOC, and the plot…well, saying 'it'll never happen' is putting it lightly. And yet I still write because I felt there needed to be more comedy involving Lucius.
Enjoy if you can.
Update: Parts 1-4 massively edited and reposted 7.10.05
Part 1: The Setup
It must be said that Trelawney had seen it coming. Of course, it was absolutely preposterous so no one had bothered to believe her, even when the pieces began to fall in place. She had merely mentioned at a staff meeting one day, shortly before the end of the war, that Lucius Malfoy was doomed. They had all assumed he would meet his fate in battle, but she was adamant that it was different.
"No, no, no… Mr. Malfoy is doomed to love that which he would hate...He is doomed to survive only to be scorned. My inner eye sees him living his life in domestic mediocrity," she said in her usual airy voice.
Minerva had laughed. After all, domestic mediocrity certainly had the possibility of being his worst nightmare, specifically if he achieved such with someone he had formerly hated.
"She will be his downfall and his salvation…" Trelawney had continued.
"Who?" Albus had asked with amused curiosity.
"Miss…Granger."
They had shared a good laugh during which Trelawney had left with a huff of indignation, claiming the negative energy was bad for her inner eye. When they departed the room later that evening, they had all but forgotten the prediction. Little did they know, it was even then taking shape.
8 Months Later…
"Miss Granger, if you would have a seat, we'll begin the questioning," the Auror said with false civility.
"My name," she retorted with a saccharine grin even as she took the proffered seat, "is Madam Malfoy."
"As the legalities of your supposed marriage are still being questioned, you will be referred to during this session as Miss Granger," the Auror responded.
"Very well, but when it finally occurs to you that neither I nor my husband has done anything wrong, I'll be ready for your apologies."
The frigidness beneath the veneer of respect made the spectators cringe. They had always known the young woman was capable of such tones but had never been subject to them before. However, desperate times and such…and this really required explanation. Albus sighed softly. It was becoming more and more obvious that Hermione had been under no coercion, despite Minerva's fervent protests.
"Do you understand why you are here today, Miss Granger?" the Auror continued, nonplussed.
"I assume it is related to the Daily Prophet article from yesterday which rudely announced my relationship with my husband."
"Correct. Due to Mr. Malfoy's dubious past, his former vocal protestations against people of your heritage, the obvious age discrepancies between the two of you, as well as the questionable nature of your relationship, the Ministry believes you have been coerced. What have you say to these charges?"
"Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. You have no legal right to keep me here, and I vehemently protest Lucius's jailing. I knew of my husband's past long before I became romantically involved with him. It may escape your notice that I was, in fact, very involved with bringing to light several of his past transgressions."
"And yet, he was released from all charges and never brought to justice for his participation with the Death Eaters."
"Yes."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"At the time -- miserable. At the time, I felt he deserved to rot in Azkaban. I didn't believe for a second that he had reformed."
"And what changed your mind?"
"I spoke with him."
"That was enough?"
"I realized how silly it was, sir, to form an opinion without first collecting all the facts."
The silent accusation filled the cold air. Even the crew from Hogwarts, brought along to corroborate her story and induce her to speak freely, flinched.
"Very well, Miss Granger, give us the facts. To begin with, how did you come to speak with Mr. Malfoy?"
She moved uncomfortably in her chair and the Auror seized on that with relish.
"Well, Miss Granger?"
Her cold demeanor dropped with resignation and everyone was instantly reminded of the girl she was and not the matriarch she represented.
"That would be the only part of the story questionable."
"How so, Miss Granger?"
"Because there is a small bit of blackmail involved."
A collective gasp.
"But," she continued in a rush, "it was all Draco's fault."
"Really."
"Lucius knew nothing. I do believe it was the first time in his life he was not prepared."
"And how do you know that?"
"Because it embarrassed him terribly when he found out. Before I continue, I require a wizard's oath that none of this information will be allowed to be published."
"Yes, yes. Continue, Miss Granger."
"It all started two months after the final battle. I was in need of a certain potion, and was unable to ask for it. I decided to make it, instead. However, some of the ingredients were not readily available in Hogsmeade and, with the loose Death Eaters around, I was not allowed to visit Diagon Alley. Necessity compelled me to make a deal."
There was no doubt that Draco Malfoy loved his father. Even after Lucius cut off himself and his family from the Dark Lord, Draco stood by Malfoy Senior, unlike his mother who used safety as an excuse to finally have a divorce granted. However, as much as Draco loved his father, he did not love what his father was becoming.
Time in Azkaban had given the man nightmares, something he had never experienced before. The termination of support to Voldemort's cause gave him anxious episodes and a slight tremble. Narcissa's departure provided him with a lack of confidence in his looks and sexual expertise.
In short, Lucius Malfoy was having a mid-life crisis. It pleased Draco not at all. After all, in difficult times such as these, a Malfoy had to be above and beyond just to not be condemned. It was getting mighty difficult to be respected these days even without his father piddling away the last of his good looks. The younger Malfoy had allowed him to hide away at the manor for a year. It had been safest that way. However, now that Voldemort was dead, truly dead, he expected his father to rejoin polite society.
Lucius refused to have any part of it.
But the patriarch's birthday was this week and Draco had Plans. If Lucius wouldn't pick himself up, he'd make him. And what better way to do that than with a stripper? Unfortunately, quality strippers were hard to come by these days. Most had 'seen the error of their ways' after the war and were seeking less dubious employment. As well, it was entirely difficult to arrange for a stripper while he was away at school in such a way that neither the general populace nor his father would find out. It wouldn't do to spoil the surprise, and it wouldn't do for the rest of society to harp on the family for yet another fault.
Thus, when Hermione Granger approached him after dinner looking for all the world like she was ready to sell her soul, he jumped on his chance. After ushering her nonchalantly into a quiet classroom, he began negotiations.
"What do you want, Granger?" he asked without preamble. Though they had buried the hatchet and called for a truce of sorts, they were by no means friends. More, he was her supplier in illicit goods.
"Boomslang skin and powdered bicorn horn."
"Polyjuice, is it?"
"Can you get them?"
"What'll you do if I say no?"
She flinched unexpectedly and he knew he was on to something. Though her reasons for making Polyjuice were bound to be interesting, this looked even more promising.
"I have my ways," she replied as cryptically as a Gryffindor could get.
"You've done this before," he retorted with Slytherin cunning.
She fidgeted, and he knew he had her.
"Now, if I remember correctly," he drawled, "the only other place to get these ingredients on school grounds would be Snape's stores…but then you knew that, didn't you?"
She flinched. He smirked victoriously.
"Fine, what do you want?" she cut to the point.
"Perform this one… favor… for me, and I'll get you your ingredients and remain silent concerning your knowledge of my Head of House's private stores."
"What favor?"
"Tell me, Granger, what do you know about strip-dancing?"
"So you allege that Draco Malfoy used his resources to legally retrieve potions ingredients to coerce you into performing the night of Lucius Malfoy's 44th birthday?"
"Yes, sir. Ask him if you wish for corroboration."
"We will. Would you care to explain why you were in particular need of these ingredients?"
"It was a gift for a friend."
"And who would that be?"
"I prefer not to say."
"Why is that? Who are you protecting, Miss Granger?"
"The sexual practices of my friends are not the topic of this meeting. Suffice it to say, my actions were entirely legal, his intended actions were legal, and I will not sully his good name to please your vulgarity."
"Behave, Miss Granger, or we will administer Veritaserum."
"You would do so at risk of protestation. I have the power and now the funding to ensure that you never work again. Do not test me on this, Auror Bliley. Now, what is your next question?"
"What happened on the night of Mr. Malfoy's birthday?"
"Are you ready?" Draco whispered as they hurried along the hallway toward the tunnel leading outside the grounds where they could Apparate.
"Yes. I received your package Wednesday. Thank you for the materials and the time to prepare."
"You are going to need it."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"My father invited a few friends over for drinks."
"Friends?" she asked with a disbelieving snort.
"All right, former questionable acquaintances that might have had ties to the Dark Lord."
"So that means…"
"You'll be stripping for a room full of perverted old men skilled in torture."
"All this for boomslang skin?"
"I could always tell Snape that I have some information…"
"No, no! I'll do it. I just think it's silly, that's all."
At this Malfoy stopped and took a look at his partner in crime. Even in the dim wand light, he could tell that the work she had gone to make up her face was not wasted. She was quite pretty when she applied herself to it. Not to mention, though she was too small for his tastes, he was certain the garments he had provided would enhance her features enough to be palatable for his father. She was not gorgeous or beautiful but really, if Lucius had been interested in that, he would have tracked down Narcissa. No, Granger looked every bit what Lucius needed to see: enticingly approachable.
"It's not silly," he stated firmly. "He hasn't left the bloody manor since the summer after fifth year. He just needs someone, preferably young and female, to pay him some attention and he'll rebound. I'm sure of it."
"No one will recognize me?"
"We'll charm you before we Apparate. Trust me, I don't want my father realizing I brought a Mu...ggle-born for a stripper either. You are lucky he was forced to take down the Mudblood detection charms."
"Great," she mumbled forlornly.
"It'll work. Now come on, we're late."
The pair that arrived at Malfoy Manor was not quite the same that had snuck through corridors of Hogwarts. Draco, dressed to the nines in his most arrogant, showy robes, escorted a girl that shivered with apprehension under her illusional straight black locks and blue eyes. A 'Do Not Recognize' spell completed the look and Draco himself barely could see Hermione beneath the guise.
Of course, she had pitched a fit when he mentioned charming her body, claiming her self esteem could only take so much. However, he would soon learn it was unnecessary, as would every other occupant of the lounge.
"Father, this is…"
"Helen," she said with a sensual voice that oozed with confidence she was not feeling.
"I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Malfoy," she began, capturing the older Malfoy's eyes with her own. A small smile, promising all sorts of fun that was the result of hours of practicing in the mirror, and her extended hand completed the effect.
Lucius, who had been denied female companionship for quite some time, immediately saw an opportunity. Turning on his own charm, he kissed her hand, lingering for some time, and led her to the crowd with a happy little sneer. Draco, feeling mighty royal, took his seat and waited for her to earn her ingredients.
"So you accompanied, under disguise, Mr. Draco Malfoy to his family's primary residence with the intention to provide Mr. Lucius Malfoy and his acquaintances entertainment?"
"I believe I just related as such, so yes."
"Who was present at this gathering?"
"Is that necessary?"
"We need multiple testimonies for the occurrences of that night. If you would, Miss Granger?"
"Will they face any punishment for their presence there?"
"Unless we find the events of the night in question to be in violation of the law, no."
"Former Minister Fudge, McAllister Freely, Spontaneous Patterson, Harold MacFullond." She paused and sighed. "And Severus Snape."
Several gasps were heard from the assembled during the list. However, it was the last name that brought attention immediately to the silent Potions professor.
"Severus!" accused Minerva. "You knew!"
The professor froze and did his best to retreat from the motherly outrage presented to him in the form of the deputy headmistress.
"Bloody hell, Minerva!" he stated while trying to salvage his usual sneer.
Hermione felt pity stir. Really, she had hated to implement him and was determined to spare him as much as possible as Lucius had taught her the value of allies, but there was no keeping him spotless.
"Professor Snape, as your involvement has been indicated, we will have to question you separately," the Auror stated authoritatively. With as much dignity as he could gather, the professor straightened his back, sneered, and left the room.
Hermione sighed. It was going to be difficult telling the truth while protecting all she had to. There would be no honestly denying Snape's involvement, but she would do what she could to preserve the reputation of one of the few people who supported her marriage to the Wizarding world's biggest arrogant bastard.
"Shall we proceed?" the Auror asked smugly. She met his accusing gaze with her own.
"Of course."