Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or Napoleon Dynamite. Those flippin' awesome characters and places belong to some other people. I quote some stuff from the books. These wonderful quotes were written by the late, great J.R.R. Tolkien, not me.

A/N: This is based off of the LOTR books, not the movies. (Sorry to those of you that have only seen the movies—I know you're out there somewhere gives you evil look). And by the way, I hope you enjoy!

Chapter One: Maybe I Will! Idiots!

"Behold Isildur's Bane!" said Elrond as the Ring was set upon the pedestal.

A silence came over the awestruck council.

Boromir stared at the golden thing with a glint in his eyes. "Is this then the doom of Minas Tirith come at last?"

"The words were not the doom of Minas Tirith," said Aragorn.

A long discussion then ensued-you know, the one that goes on for twenty seven pages. Anyway, at the end of this insanely long and rather dull discussion, the council still did not know what to do with the dang Ring. You'd think with all that talking they would have figured it out. Nope. Not so much... Because every conversation in Middle-earth, especially when it's with elves (or Ents), has to be really, really long and exceedingly boring. This is why lots of people don't want to read the books and they just go see the movies instead. And then they don't know what really happened, like how Asfaloth was really Glorfindel's horse, and how the song Pippin sings in The Return of the King is really a song Bilbo made up and Frodo sang in The Fellowship of the Ring, and so on and so forth.

Aaaaat any rate, all sat silent, eyes downcast as if in deep thought.

"Something must be done with this Ring!" said Elrond suddenly, breaking the silence.

For a moment, no one answered him. But then there was heard a loud, long sigh: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….." And then, "I will take the Ring," said a low, half-bored voice (And no wonder. Anybody'd be bored after listening to a forty-page long lecture on the history of Men, Elves, and everything to do with the One Ring) "though I do not know the way."

All the council turned their eyes towards the source of the voice to see a tall, lanky young man slumped in one of the chairs wearing jeans, a T-shirt with the word "Endurance" printed on it above a picture of a horse, and worn-out moon boots.

You know, he kinda seemed to resemble a hobbit. Kind of.

Okay. Maybe he didn't.

"Who are you?" asked Elrond. "You're not the Halfling!"

"Are you sure?" whispered Legolas. "He does have curly hair…"

"He's too tall for a Halfling," snapped one of the other elves.

"He might have had some Ent-draught."

Elrond glared at the two elves and they stopped. "Please, give us your name," he said to the stranger.

"I'm Napoleon Dynamite, and I will take that Ring for you," he replied, staring at Elrond through those half-closed eyes.

"You'll take the Ring?" asked Aragorn in disbelief.

"Yes, I'll take it! What do ya think? That I'd just leave it here? Gosh! You guys are retarded!"

The council froze and stared wide-eyed at this strange, curly-haired guy that called himself Napoleon. They didn't know quite what to think of him, but, hey, at least he was willing to take the Ring. I suppose that counts for something. "Erm…" said Elrond. "Alright then, I suppose. Uh…well, I was supposed to say, 'This is the hour of the Shire-folk,' but considering the current circumstances, I think I'll have to change that. I suppose that this is the hour of…Napo…leon Dynamite," he made a face at the name, "when they, er, he arises from his quiet…uh…"

"Idaho," Napoleon said.

"…from his quiet…Idaho…to shake the, er, towers and counsels of the Great."

"He can't go by himself," muttered a voice with what was a strange accent to the inhabitants of Middle-earth.

"Pedro!" Napoleon said. "You're here, too? Sweet!"

"Who's this?" Elrond cried shrilly when he saw the short, tan kid wearing what looked like a woman's wig on his head.

"That's Pedro," said Napoleon. "He's my friend. Hey, Pedro, did you bring any tots with you?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, that's okay, I guess. I think I still have some in my pocket." Napoleon unzipped his pocket and thrust his hand inside. "Yup."

He pulled out a mashed blob of tater tots and took a bite. "Ugh!" he groaned, throwing the tots to the ground. "This tastes like a decroded piece of crap!"

"What manner of creature are you?" asked Boromir.

"I'm a human. What do you think? Idiot!"

By now the council was thoroughly confused. Gimli and Glóin sat back in their chairs, sputtering underneath their beards, Aragorn's jaw was hanging wide and his eyes were staring, the elves looked a bit flustered at having such a strange person in their abode, Boromir chewed nervously on his fingernails, Bilbo didn't seem to notice that anything was wrong, and Gandalf had taken off his pointed hat and was scratching his head in bafflement. Where had this fellow come from?

"Tell me, my lad," said Gandalf at last, "where did you come from?"

"I already told you," said Napoleon. "Idaho. I used this time machine that Kip and my Uncle Rico bought on online. It didn't work the first time we used it…

"But we found out we had the wrong crystals. The freakin' idiot we got the machine from sent us the wrong ones, so we had to get some other ones."

"Online? Time machine? What is this devilry you speak of?" asked Boromir. He looked like he was about to start laughing hysterically. Poor thing. He'd been sent to Imladris to see if the rumors about the Ring were true and now here he was trying to figure out what in Middle-earth was this strange sorcery called 'online' and where in the world those horrid boots the strange chap was wearing came from. His brain started to hurt. He hoped it wouldn't explode.

"It's called 'technology.' Haven't you ever heard of it? Ugh!" Napoleon retorted.

"Yeah. It's pretty cool," agreed Pedro.

"No, it's…it's incredible."

"Yes. It is."

By now, Elrond had had enough of this tomfoolery and he held up his hand to stop the odd conversation. "Well, whatever it is, it is far less 'incredible' than the danger that is now near at hand. I am afraid to appoint you, Napoleon," he made a face at the name again, "for this perilous task, but it seems you are the only one who will bear the burden of the Ring. And as for you, Pedro," disgusted face, "you shall go with him, for it seems that I could hardly separate you, especially when the both of you have managed to invade a secret council that neither of you were summoned to."

Elrond went then to the pedestal and held his hand out towards the golden thing. "I give this task to you, Napoleon." Twitch. "Come, and take the Ring."

Napoleon stood up and walked towards it, trying to be as serious and reverent as he could. Pedro almost smiled in amusement. Almost.

Napoleon picked up the Ring, and—to the astonishment of the entire council—slipped it on his finger and vanished.

"Sweet!" came his disembodied voice. "It makes me, like, invisible!"

"Take it off! Take it off!" shouted Elrond in horror. "Ere the Eye turns its sight on Rivendell, take it off!"

"Alright! Maybe I will! Gosh!"

Then all of the sudden, there stood the strange, bespectacled lad once more. "You know," he said, "you guys are way too tense."

Disgusted beyond reason, Elrond turned away and started rubbing his temples, muttering in Elvish something ill about the race of Men. Aragorn glared at him.

Gimli and Glóin stared at nothing in particular, completely distraught and baffled, Bilbo still didn't notice anything was wrong (he was still waiting for the part where he was supposed to sing), Legolas and the other elves soon followed in suit with Elrond and started rubbing their temples—simultaneously, Boromir was trying not to hyperventilate, and Gandalf sat stroking his long, white beard. He feared greatly for the fate of Middle-earth.

And what had happened to Frodo—and Sam—anyway?

A/N: Oh no, what's going to happen to Middle-earth? Where are Frodo and Sam? You probably already know that one. Shouldn't be too hard to figure out. But for those of you who still don't know, you'll have to wait till I post the next chapter. It might have something to do with llamas.

And could you imagine poor Elrond trying not to choke on those horrid names? "Napoleon" and "Pedro" are so rough on delicate elvish ears, are they not? Hehe.