Chapter One: What If Goldmember Came to the Island
Sawyer busted out of the woods. He almost tripped when he came right out with such a speed. He stopped for a minute and rested his hands on his knees to catch his breath, just for a few seconds; then he was off again.
He ran all the way to the beach where Kate sat in a chair and Jack stood over her. They talked about the situation with the tide coming in further to the woods each time.
"You should come to the caves, Kate, please." Jack begged. But more in a suddle way, trying to make it seem more of advice/orders.
"I told you already, Jack. No!" she answered, shaking her head.
"Guys! Guys!" Sawyer yelled. He came down the beach, this time not as quick, more of a jog.
Kate and Jack immediately turned their attention to him. It wasn't like Sawyer to come running to Kate and the good ole' Doc.
"What's wrong, Sawyer?" Kate asked.
Sawyer finally got up to them and rested on his knees once more. But quickly started to talk.
"I heard a man." He said.
"What?" Kate asked, scrunching her eyes together.
"I was out taking a piss, and, and, a dude. I heard a man. He was somewhere by a bush, and when I was pissing, I heard him say something like 'must... paint... yahoo... gold!' and when he said gold, he stressed it for a very long time. And his voice was very weird." Sawyer explained.
"What? Wow," Jack said.
"We should investigate." With that, Kate walked over to Locke.
Locke looked up at her. "What?" he asked, he found it rather strange how she was just hovering over him like a Voltaire.
"I need a weapon. There's a dude in the woods, or so Sawyer says."
"Okay, here's your knife, and I'm coming along."
Locke and Kate came back to Sawyer and Jack who were fighting over who gets to hold Kate when she gets scared.
"What are you two talking about?" Kate asked.
"Nothing," Sawyer said while looking around and whistling.
"Locke here is coming with. Be nice, Sawyer." she said.
With that they were all off.
It was about 2 minutes by the time they reached the spot where Sawyer peed.
"What a wimp," Jack said, judging by how far Sawyer would go for a pee.
"I like my privacy," Sawyer said in a whiney voice like a little kid would.
"Gold," said a man behind a bush, stressing the 'O' in gold.
"Over there," Sawyer said.
They all slowly walked over to where he was, knives at the ready. Jack signaled that they would all go in 5 second. He held up his fingers and mouthed the count down. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1!
They all quickly looked over the bush with their knives held high in the air.
They saw a man, an old man. With white hair and a gold sweater and pants on. He looked up at them with fear.
"Who are you?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, and why were you watching me piss?" Sawyer said, once again in the whiney voice.
"I wanted," the man in gold started. "I wanted to paint your wang gold."
"Well, you could have asked, instead of saying things in a perverted way!"
Jack looked over at Sawyer for a second, then back to the freaky, mysterious man. "What's your name?" Jack asked.
"Goldmember," he answered. "I come in peace."
Goldmember was back at the beach now with everyone else. People would sometimes go up to him, but when he said something about gold, they would get freaked and run.
But there was one who didn't scream and run, there was one who would stand proud, stand tall, love his fellow patriotic people persons, one who was strong, bold, and most of all daring, one who was... Sawyer? No, no! Bring the camera over there. Okay yeah, that's good. (Clears throat) one who was... Sayid!
Sayid walked over to Goldmember.
"So, Goldmember, eh?" he asked.
"Yesh," he answered with his crazy dutch accent. "GOLD!"
"Shhh," Sayid said. "So, you like to paint yahoos gold do ya?"
"Yesh."
"Hmm," Sayid hummed, "You know. I've always wanted a pretty one."
Goldmember smiled. "Really?"
"Yeah. You wanna...?" Sayid asked.
"YESH! YESH! YESH!"
Goldmember got up and ran around like crazy and shouted: "I GET TO PAINT HIS YAHOO GOLD."
He stopped by one couple and said lowly. "Gold."
Then he ran over to another couple and said: "Bam!" and then went lower. "Fry from Futurama."
That whole day Goldmember was excited, then 8:00 PM, him and Sayid were nowhere to be found.