Title: Captains Don't Cry
Author: Celeste
Feedback: (yes!)
Universe: Bleach
Pairing: vague UkitakexKaien, sort-of KyorakuxUkitake
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,363
Time: Like, 40 mins.
Spoilers: Yeah, some for uh… the Soul Society Arc?
Summary: Shunsui shows Juushirou that it's okay to mourn.
Dedication: JaB, damn her. DAMN HER.
A/N: Yeah, I have fallen into the realm of bad Hurt/Comfort.
WHY! I don't know. Ask JaB. She's kind of dictating what I write these
days, however unintentionally. I think any conversation with her just
ends up becoming some sort of Bleach fanfic that probably has no basis
in the reality of the universe. And this could be SOOO OOC, if I knew
how the characters were in the first place. Aheh. I guess I just
see these two as super schmoopy. I can't help it. Maybe the manga will
characterize them more and then I will be slapped in the face with how
wrong about it all I am.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Otherwise I wouldn't have such a hard time trying to get the merchandise, dammit!
Distribution: Just lemme know.
Captains needed to be strong.
Kyoraku Shunsui could see the age old philosophy being put to use in Juushirou's stance as the leader of division 13 brushed stiffly past him, eyes lowered. Behind him lay a body draped with a white sheet.
The silence that followed Ukitake's departure was overwhelming enough for Kyoraku to hear Kuchiki's tears hit the floor of the morgue, though for the most part the young woman was surprisingly quiet, controlled in her anguish.
One drop, two drops, perhaps a thousand, but she made no other noise, no cries of anguish, no sobs or sniffles. He frowned under his hat and closed the door behind himself and Ukitake, allowing the girl some privacy in her grief.
He took off after his old friend instead, utilizing a brisk pace to catch up but not moving quickly enough to alert any of the other Shinigami as to something amiss. The tragedies the past few weeks had been embroiled in were enough without them having to worry about Ukitake Juushirou's peace of mind.
Shiba Kaien had been an invaluable vice-captain, to the entire Gotei 13, of that there was no doubt.
But Shunsui knew that to some members of the 13th division, something more than an ally had been taken from them today. Ukitake might have refrained from showing his distress in the presence of his subordinates, but the captain of the 8th division liked to believe that the eyes of a boyhood friend were sharper than those of the young ones occupying the lower seats.
He rounded a corner in the long hallway in time to see the back of Ukitake's uniform before it disappeared beyond another turn. Kyoraku smiled helplessly to himself and broke into a light jog to catch up.
"Whatever it is, Shunsui, please forget it."
Kyoraku paused mid-stride as he turned, facing Ukitake's rigid backside in the middle of one of Soul Society's dark corridors. He forced a smile. "Aw c'mon Juu, I just wanted to see how…"
"I'm fine." The other captain's voice was surprisingly level, too-level perhaps, enough so that Kyoraku could easily see the brittleness behind its construction. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to report directly to Genryuusai-sensei."
With that declaration Ukitake made to leave, but Kyoraku grabbed his friend by the wrist before he could walk away. "Juu…"
"I said I have to file a report," Ukitake persisted, still refusing to meet Kyoraku's eyes.
The other captain ignored him, as he had so often growing up, and tugged the other Shinigami back against his chest, one hand resting atop his head. "Hey," he murmured soothingly, "don't be so cold. Is that anyway to talk to someone who's worried about you?"
Ukitake frowned, half-heartedly attempting to extract himself from the other man's obtrusive embrace. "There's no reason to worry about me," he stated softly, looking up and forcing a small smile that he hoped would appease Kyoraku's odd sense of chivalry. "Please."
Unconvinced, Shunsui tightened his hold on the other captain, staring down at him with open worry. He was never good at hiding his emotions, after all. "He was important to you, wasn't he?"
The head of team 13's features hardened. "Of course. As are all of those who are under my command."
Shunsui made a face that told his friend he refused to take any of that politicking bullshit, especiall from him. "What happened out there?"
"A Hollow," Juushirou responded blankly, turning away.
Kyoraku cursed. "Same one that got…"
"Yes."
The black-haired man sighed and wrapped both arms around his friend. "These things happen," he offered quietly, wanting to brush the hair from Juushirou's eyes and look into them so he could understand the full extent of the man's grief, so that they could share it.
If he were in Ukitake's shoes, if Nanao had been killed, Kyoraku wasn't certain he would be able to mimic his friend's self-control. He would have clung to Juushirou and sobbed his heart out, would have raged and screamed and participated in all manner of actions the deeply stricken are prone to in times of deep loss.
Juushirou and he had always been very different.
"Sometimes these things happen, Juu. And for what it's worth, Shiba knew that," he offered, trying to generate any small comfort he could find to his quietly grieving friend. "There's nothing we can do except try and stop it from happening again."
They stood together in silence for a while, Ukitake's breaths shuddering a little, face turned down and eyes obscured, while Kyoraku held him tightly and couldn't think of any more words of reassurance that wouldn't be half-empty as he said them.
"…I was slow," Ukitake revealed unexpectedly, voice carefully blank as his hands fisted unconsciously in the folds of Kyoraku's robes. The other Shinigami could feel him shaking in his arms. "I…"
"It wasn't your fault."
"…I… made Kuchiki kill him."
Shunsui couldn't quite stop his small intake of breath upon hearing his friend's confession. "You mean…"
"I failed her too."
"Hey…stop that. She's alive, isn't she? I don't think Shiba would have considered it failure then," Kyoraku urged, words barely a whisper against Ukitake's ear.
The other man gave a shuddering sigh that Kyoraku could feel through the Shinigami robes, against his very skin. "I hate myself," Juushirou confessed darkly, with enough edge in his tone to let Shunsui know he really meant it.
"Don't…"
"I hate myself because I couldn't kill him."
"Hey, that's not your fault… you didn't know what was going to happen…"
"Don't you understand. Shunsui? I couldn't kill him! He… he was too important to me." Ukitake stood shaking in Kyoraku's arms, eyes closed because if they were open he might've cried.
And captains were supposed to be strong.
Shunsui pressed his friend's face against his shoulder before resting his forehead against Ukitake's hair, breathing deeply. "I know you cared, Juu."
"I made Kuchiki do it," Ukitake pressed, each word sounding like they were killing him.
Shunsui didn't know what to do but pet his hair, whisper soothing words to him that in the end, meant nothing when faced with his overwhelming grief and self-loathing.
"I made her do it, knowing how she felt. Because I couldn't… I didn't want to be the one…"
"Shh, Juu, I know. I know."
Shiba Kaien was someone very important to Ukitake Juushirou. Kyoraku never once denied it, remembered seeing the way Juushirou laughed with his hotheaded subordinate, remembered how the kindness Ukitake showered everyone with seemed just a little bit more joyful, a little brighter, when he was with Shiba. Being Juushirou's oldest friend, Shunsui might have been jealous of the younger man, might have felt encroached upon, if he hadn't understood it himself, hadn't known the same sort of easy content in what he had with Nanao. To see Juushirou smile like that when he was with Kaien instead made Shunsui happy as well. To know that someone precious to him had people who were precious to him in return was a comfortable warmth in his chest that left no room for something as petty as jealousy.
"He was someone you loved, wasn't he?" he asked, already knowing the answer as he pressed a gentle kiss into Juushirou's hair. "No one wants to do things like that, Juu. Not ever."
"And I made Rukia do it, Shu…she…"
"Understands," Kyoraku stated firmly, squeezing his friend's shoulders.
Ukitake pushed closer, burying himself into the folds of Shunsui's hakama. "I don't know what to do now," he admitted softly, voice cracking.
"You idiot," Kyoraku murmured against Ukitake's hair. "You don't have to do anything. Not right now. No one expects anything from you right now."
"I have to do something," Ukitake insisted in a desperate sort of whisper. "I'm the captain. I should do something…"
"You idiot… I'm a captain too, aren't I?" Kyoraku closed his eyes and sighed quietly, hand rhythmically stroking the other man's hair. "It's okay to let someone else be strong for a little while," he pushed gently.
"I can't just…"
"Dammit Juu, just cry, will you! It's okay to cry, you know."
"…is it?"
"Aa."
Shunsui held him as he did.
END