Kirk Angel's Bad Day

Kirk Angel woke up and looked outside his window. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out and bright, the birds were singing, and he was the WWF Champion.

'It's a great day today,' he thought to himself. 'A great day to go and visit my friend, Stephanie.'

Angel jumped up out of bed, had a shower, donned his best suit, hopped into his scooter and putted down his driveway.

'I have intelligence,' he said to himself, putting on a helmet. Unfortunately, he only got to his driveway when the scooter putted to a standstill.

Confused, he glanced down and wondered what was wrong with his faithful scooter. The tank was full. Angel tried to restart, but nothing happened. He didn't know what else could be wrong.

'That's ok,' he said. 'It's a beautiful day. I'll walk to my friend Stephanie's house.' A scowl darkened his features. 'I just hope that man she married isn't beating her.'

So, Angel set off on his merry way, whistling a merry tune. As he neared town, he noticed an little old lady standing by the road, looking as if she wanted to cross. Being the nice guy that he was, he decided to help her.

'Good morning to you on this beautiful day, ma'am,' Angel greeted nicely.

The little old lady stared at him, hostile. 'Go to hell,' she spat out.

'Poor little old lady,' he thought to himself. 'She's having great difficulty crossing the road, and it's affecting her manners.'

'Let me help you,' Angel said out loud to her, taking her elbow and stopping oncoming traffic as he led her across the road. 'There you go, ma'am. You have a nice day.'

'Stupid jerk!' the little old lady yelled at him. 'I was waiting for a damned taxi!'

'Certainly, let me help you with that, too,' Angel offered. He loved being able to help his fellow humans.

'Get away from me!' she screamed, and marched back towards the other side of the road.

Angel shook his head with a smile. 'Crazy little old lady. Doesn't realise what's good for her.' With that, he continued on his way.

As he was passing an electronics store, he noticed the words 'NEWSFLASH' across the two large, 68-inch, digital, colour television screens on offer. He stopped to watch it, thinking, 'I have integrity. The least I could do is watch what my fellow man is doing, and see if I can help in any way.'

'This is a newflash! The really big petting zoo, with lots and lots of animals, from two states away, has just reported that three, no- wait a minute, I'm getting more reports! Four animals have escaped their high security cages and have gone on a murderous rampage! So far, they have yet to actually murder anyone, but zoo experts are telling everyone to be on guard! These are dangerous animals, people! Be careful! If you come across any of the four escaped, vicious animals, please call your nearest neighbour and ask them to call the zoo from two states away! Let them pay for the phone call!

'I repeat, this is a newsflash! Four extremely angry, bloodthirsty, brutal animals have just escaped from the zoo! These animals are reported to be a lion, an elephant, a bear and a turtle. The turtle may be slow-moving and 150 years old, but it is an extremely cruel, savage, and ferocious animal! Newsflash! Watch out for the turtle!'

'Eh. It's two states away,' Angel shrugged, continuing on his way. Besides, he had much more important things to do. Like visiting his friend, Stephanie.

A few minutes later, he came across a crossing. The little man on the lights was red, so he stopped and waited. He wasn't stupid. He was very much intelligent and had integrity. There was no way he would break the law.

Finally, the little man turned green. Angel smiled. He was on his way to his friend, Stephanie, once again. Time was of the essence here. More time dilly-dallying, less time with his friend, Stephanie.

However, just as he was crossing the somewhat deserted street on this beautiful Sunday morning (all the people were probably at home, sleeping off a big night out and with the person they, uh, stayed with), a black car, which looked a little like a hearse, came screeching across the corner and despite the red light, seemed to accelerate and head straight for him. Angel got into his defensive position, bending at the knee and waist as he prepared himself to jump out of harms way. He jumped left, the car jerked towards him. He jumped right, the car followed still. Before Angel had time to jump back to the pavement, thinking that there was absolutely no way it would follow him there, he was struck down.

Oh, no! Poor Angel was lying on his stomach, his cheek getting extremely intimate with the street paving. And how it hurt! Luckily, he managed to fish his mobile phone from his pocket, and he dialled for an ambulance. 'Pleesh hurry,' he told the chick on the other end. 'I shink itch really sherioush. I shink I may have groken gones.'

'Sure thing, sir,' the chick replied, sounding bored. 'I'll send an ambulance over right away.'

Twenty minutes later, Angel heard the ambulance sirens approaching. Being the good little boy that he was, and having drunk his milk for the morning…hmm, no idea where that's going. Anyway, because poor Angel was half hidden by a large bush that had seemingly appeared from nowhere, the ambulance raced straight past him. And, as usual, he had passed out from the pain, and suffering from a concussion, he couldn't flag them down. Five minutes later, they returned, this time spotting him.

Angel was loaded onto the ambulance, where he woke briefly, murmuring, 'It's true, it's true. That, my friend, is true.' The medics just gave him some gas to shut him the hell up.

A few hours later, Angel was told that because of his intensity he was fine (huh??), and that he could leave. But first, he had to make a statement for the police.

Angel smiled and nodded. 'Sure, no problem. I am Kirk Angel, the WWF Champion and superstar. I will talk to the police.'

Unfortunately for Angel, he looked very similar to a well-known drug lord, and the officer, his wife having had an affair with the aforementioned drug lord and then dying at the police raid at the drug lord's drug infested house, saw red. The officer promptly arrested Angel and took him downtown for questioning. As for this police officer…well, what Angel didn't know was that he was a 'bad apple', using all types of intimidation and interrogation (and I do mean all) to punish the truth and confession out of him. See, the drug lord used all his powerful influence to escape from jail.

Poor Angel was humiliated and degraded, but he kept thinking, 'I am Kirk Angel. I have the three I's – Integrity, Intensity, and Intelligence. It is a beautiful day, and I will get through this, and I will go and see my friend, Stephanie.'

Finally, the police officer realised his mistake when Angel began to scream. It was too much like a girly scream, and not only that, Angel started to cry. The officer knew that the drug lord would rather die and suffer in silence than ever be caught dead showing weaknesses.

With a half-assed apology, Angel was released, and he continued onto his merry way to his friend, Stephanie's, house. However, the beautiful day had turned somewhat overcast, and a freak storm occurred. Within seconds, Angel was soaked to the bone, and he ran around the street like a chicken with his head cut off, searching for a safe place to hide from the torrential downpour.

He spotted an empty metal bus shelter, and ran towards it. Poor Angel. Just as he got under the roof of the shelter, a freak lightning hit it, shocking the hapless American Zero. A few more lightning bolts later, the sky suddenly cleared, and the day had turned beautifully sunny once more.

But Angel was determined to make it to his friend, Stephanie's, house. He had gone this far, right? What else could go wrong? So, brushing his charred self off, he continued on his way, whistling his merry tune.

But alas, nothing really was going good for the poor fellow. Only a few blocks from his friend, Stephanie's, house, something from behind struck him down. Groaning, Angel looked up. Towering over him was the hugest, most fearful-looking forest bear he had ever seen. It growled mightily at him once, twice, three times, nearly scaring the piss out of him. Then it left.

Angel sighed, relieved. 'Damn bear!' he thought to himself, a little amused. 'Must have travelled a fair way from two states away to get here so quickly.'

Further down the street, something struck him down again. Hard. Angel looked up in fear, wondering if the bear had changed it's mind and had become hungry. But it wasn't a bear. It was an elephant. The elephant trumpeted loudly at his face, and then raised his large foot, once, twice, three times in a menacing manner, as if to stomp on him. Angel cowered back, terrified, covering his face with his hands. But then, a few minutes later, it backtracked and disappeared.

Angel was relieved. He stood up and looked towards his destination. Only a few more houses down, and then he would finally see his friend, Stephanie.

But it wasn't finished yet. Only three houses to go, something struck him down from behind again. Afraid, Angel quickly turned to look at what it was this time. It was the largest lion he had ever seen, his mouth wide open and roaring directly on his face. But Angel stayed perfectly still as the lion tried to devour his entire head in one go. Finally, something was going for him. His head was much too big, and Angel only ended up getting a tonne of lion slobber all over his face. It was quite disgusting.

After a couple of hours of restless pacing by the lion, and one, two, three extremely fearful-sounding, pants-wetting roars of dominance, it finally left Angel. Angel sighed, and then got up slowly, dusting himself off.

This was it. Finally, only two doors down was his friend, Stephanie. Nothing could stop him now. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine steps…he was finally there.

But what in the hell was that? It was the fourth escaped animal from the zoo, two whole states away. It was the turtle. And it was of medium size. It was sitting just outside the door, as if guarding.

Angel smiled. 'How cute,' he thought. He took a few steps towards the door, and the turtle bared it's teeth. (Do turtles have teeth?)

Angel stepped back momentarily, surprised.

The turtle narrowed it's eyes, and snapped his mouth at him. Once, twice, three times. It looked extremely painful. What was even worse, was that the snaps were directed towards his *cough cough* you know what.

For the first time that day, Angel frowned. This wasn't working out as planned. He sighed. 'Oh, to hell with it,' he finally gave up.

Then, the smile returned. 'Tomorrow should be better.'

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