A/N: Hello! My name is SmileVampy. Although some of you might know me from other catagories, I'm relatively an unknown in the realm of Harry Potter fanfic. But I hope to change all that, starting with this. I present to you...
The Pathetic Exploits of Teen Snape
Rated for: Mild swearing, sexual innuendo, implied slash, testosterone...
DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter franchise is not mine...Teenage Snape is handcuffed to my bed because he is mine...
Side Effects Include…
Snape and Lucius were lounging around the Slytherin common room. On a sudden whim, Snape took a compact mirror out of his robes. Flipping it open, he looked at himself and ran a finger down his nose.
"I think I might have an oily complexion," he said, turning to the other boy.
"You wanker," Lucius scoffed, chewing the tip of his wand rather idly, "your face is always greasy."
Snape sniffled quite loudly. "It's probably the reason nobody loves me."
Lucius put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Noooo… nobody loves you because you're freaky looking… and your nose is quite large," he added as an afterthought.
A fat tear rolled down Snape's cheek. Lucius wiped it away with a slender, well-manicured finger.
"But," he said soothingly, "I know a way to fix it."
Snape blinked. "What, my nose?"
"No, I'm afraid you're stuck with that honker of yours," Lucius chuckled. "I was talking about your greasiness."
"Oh."
Lucius grinned mischievously. "Bubotuber pus."
Snape made a face. "Sounds unpleasant."
"It smells a little funky, sure," Lucius shrugged. "But I'm telling you, Sev, it'll work wonders on that god-awful skin of yours." He stroked his own cheek, which was perfectly smooth and pale.
Young Snape was excited at the prospect of not being a "slimy greaseball" anymore, so later that day he went down to the infirmary at Hogwarts.
"Hello, Serverus," greeted a slender, youthful, well-proportioned Madame Pomfrey, "what can I do you for?"
"About ten Galleons," Snape muttered under his breath.
"What did you say?"
" Oh, um, do you think I could have some bubotuber pus?"
Madame Pomfrey giggled. "You teens and your greasiness." After a bit of searching, she handed him a vial of yellow gunk. "Use it wisely, Serverus."
That night, Snape applied the yellowish goo to his entire face. It smelled like . He went to slept after it had dried, and he had pleasant dreams about Lily Evans complimenting his perfect skin, then proceeding to shag him many, many times.
Oh yes, a very pleasant dream indeed.
The next morning, Snape washed off the bubotuber pus and, as promised, his face was unblemished and free of oil. As he traveled from class to class that day, Snape noticed that his fellow students reacted differently to him. They didn't throw him looks of disgust or revulsion like they used to. Granted, Potter the Prick and the Black Bastard still pretended to be violently ill when he passed by them in Potions, but that was to be expected.
During supper, some of the less attractive lasses winked in his general direction. He waved back at them; in Snape's eyes, a girl was a girl.
As he was walking back to the Slytherin dungeon to ready himself for slumber, Snape felt a small, girlish hand grasp his left buttock. He wanted to believe that he had been violated by Lily, but Snape suspected the culprit was a blond-haired someone whose name also began with an "L".
Snape made use of the bubotuber pus for about five days after that. But by the end of the week, he was feeling rather ill. He kept getting headaches, his stomach hurt… and his nightly fantasies didn't make him as "happy" as they used to. He wondered if it was all part of "growing up".
On the seventh night, Snape was laying on his bed in the boy's dormitory. He picked up the vial that Madame Pomfrey had given him and twirled it between his fingers, watching the revolting stuff slosh around inside the container.
Snape noticed some miniscule writing on the bottom of the vial. Not having seen it earlier, Snape turned it over, and read:
"Side effects may include: indigestion, migraines, epilepsy, loss of thumbs, loss of sanity, inverted spleen, stigmata of the nose…"
None of these symptoms struck Snape as peculiar…
But then he read the last line, and his jaw clattered to the floor in shock…
"Bubotuber pus is 95 percent likely to cause IMPOTENCE and EMASCULATION in unpopular teenage males."
Snape thought the warning was rather specific…
"Fuck this shit," he said sullenly as he tossed the bottle out the window.
Fin
A/N: So what did you think? Love it, hate it, I want to hear some feedback! Everyone who pushes the purple button gets a Snape plushie... If I don't get at least one review, I just might not post the next section (which includes sunrises and black silk boxers)
SmileVampy