Title: Love is Hell (The title of this fic is shamelessly stolen from Ryan Adams.)
Rating: R
Summary: Slash. Ryan goes back to Newport for a special event.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. :(
Notes: There will be five parts to this fic.
Thank you so much to my wonderful betas mel39 and joey51. They're like Jesus and Moses, working together for the greater good of fanfic readers everywhere.
Love is Hell 1/5
Coming Home
He was going back, back to Newport where everything was beautiful and perfect -- on the outside, at least.
The rain, falling against the rooftop of the car, sounded like glass beads hitting an out-of-tune piano. It was steady and comforting. Too comforting, almost. The last thing he needed was to fall asleep at the wheel and get into some horrible wreck, scattering his body parts across the freeway and making the Cohens identify his mangled mess.
His mother, Ryan remembered, hated the rain. She used to say, "It's always raining somewhere, Ry. And wherever the rain goes, sadness follows. I like it when the rain stops falling; you always know there'll be a rainbow soon." Not that Ryan really listened. She was drunk half the time and her advice wasn't exactly coming from a clear place. Even if the rain was a bad omen, he still liked the way it sounded against the panel of steel above his head.
It wasn't the first time since he'd moved away that he was coming back. He made the trek at least a few times a year, but this time was different...
The rain petered off around the same time the engine light went on.
The car was going to quit soon if he didn't fill the tank and give it a chance to cool off. Finally, he pulled into a gas station a few miles from Newport Beach. When he stepped out of the car, he was surprised to find his legs were numb and he had to grip the door to keep himself upright. Shaking out his legs, he regained circulation before proceeding to pop the hood and check the engine. After making sure everything was okay-and making a mental note to bring the car into the garage when he returned home--he filled the tank with gas and paid the clerk. Stepping outside, he took a moment to take everything in, to get into the right mind-set. The air felt sticky, clinging to his skin and weighing down his clothing. The collar of his shirt felt like it was choking him and he knew this was just a prelude to how he was going to feel for the rest of his stay here. He unbuttoned the top two buttons to let in air and shook his head to clear it.
Ryan checked the clock on the dashboard. He'd been driving most of the day and it took a moment for his eyes to adjust. It was too late to stop by the Cohens' house. The last thing he wanted to do was wake them up in the middle of the night, and he couldn't be sure that he wouldn't run into Seth. He definitely wasn't in the mood for that. He opted to stay the weekend at a hotel instead. Ignoring the hellacious groans from his stomach, he checked the rearview mirror before getting back onto the road. All he wanted to do was get to the hotel, check-in, order room service, and fall into a deep sleep.
The girl behind the desk winked at him, trying to be flirtatious, as she handed over the key to his room and told him to have a good night. Ryan tried to smile back, but the best he could manage was a low grunt. He remembered to ask for a seven a.m. wake-up call before he picked up his bags and caught the elevator, slipping in beside an elderly couple and a woman with an infant on her shoulder. Ryan pushed the button for his floor and ignored the sidelong glances from the other occupants. He wasn't in the mood to talk. And he was too tired to pretend.
Inside his room, Ryan set down his bag and flopped down on the bed. He sunk into the mattress and it cushioned the aches in his back. Closing his eyes, he reached for sleep, but it wouldn't come to him. Regretfully, he sat up and stretched out, popping his neck and rolling his shoulders, trying to work out the kinks he'd developed from being cooped up in a car for more than a few consecutive hours.
Retrieving his briefcase from a pile of his things he'd left at the bottom of the bed, Ryan took out a collection of blueprints and spread them out in front of him. There was nothing like work to take his mind off of the weekend's upcoming event. And still, even with the thrill he got from design, he couldn't keep his mind from wandering. Ryan stared at the papers in front of him until all he saw were lines that added up to nothing.
Deciding he wasn't going to get any work done, he curled up the blueprints into a tight cylinder and stuffed them back into the cardboard tube he'd pulled them out of. For someone who had been so concerned about eating on his way here, Ryan suddenly found his stomach rolling with nerves and the thought of food nauseating. Flicking on the television, he channel-surfed for a while before landing on an old episode of Three's Company. Three wasn't company, Ryan thought, three was a crowd.
Deciding that maybe watching TV wasn't the best idea, Ryan unbuttoned his shirt, taking it off, followed by his pants, and pulled back the covers on the bed. Clicking off the lamp, he settled into bed, rolling over and shutting his eyes.
When Ryan woke up, things didn't look any more promising than they had the night before. The wake-up call he'd expected at seven came thirty minutes late with a quavering apology. Ryan sighed. He brushed off the front desk clerk's apologies and told her it was okay. Did it piss him off that they couldn't even get the time right? Hell, yes! Did he want some poor kid -who looked fresh out of highschool-- to lose her job over it? Well, no, he didn't see how that would change things; he wasn't going to get those thirty minutes back.
He'd had a dream; a dream where his tongue hadn't stuck to the roof of his mouth and he was able to say all the right things. He'd finally gotten out all the right words. Seth had heard his thoughts and learned how much Ryan cared. Everything had been so easy, Ryan was never fooled to think he was awake.
There was a part of Ryan that felt relief that it had just been a dream, and another part that was disappointed. He shook both emotions off as he got out of bed. It would have been wrong for him to confess how he felt. Besides, he hadn't come back to cause problems.
When he tried to shower, the water couldn't quite get to the temperature he liked, it was too cold and then too hot, and that was frustrating, too. It gave him a real sense of how the weekend was going to go if he couldn't even count on little things like a wake-up call and warm water.
At the door to the Cohen house, Ryan stopped, hesitantly ringing the bell. There was always a moment, between the time he walked into the house and the very first words were exchanged in the foyer, when Ryan felt like a stranger. It was like the past seven or eight years had never happened and he was still that kid from Chino his lawyer had taken home for the night - just an outsider in their home, throwing off order. For a few precious seconds there was a mutual distrust, that maybe this time they weren't going to decide to love him and he was going to remain closed-off and distant.
Sandy answered the door, giant smile and extended hand, greeting Ryan the moment he stepped inside. "Ryan! We were expecting you last night."
Ryan took a moment to set his bags --containing a few things he'd brought for Kirsten and Sandy-- down and then took hold of Sandy's hand. "Yeah, no, I know. It was late. I didn't want to disturb you. I stayed in a hotel."
"A hotel?"
Ryan shifted his weight. He had forgotten that Sandy always looked him in the eye, that he meant everything he said. Not too many people were like that. At least not the people Ryan had come across in his brief lifetime. "Yeah, I think I'm just going to stay there for the rest of the weekend, if that's okay with you. I mean, my stuff's already there and everything."
"Nonsense," Sandy said, and put his arm around Ryan's shoulders, guiding him toward the kitchen.
"No, really."
"Ah, are you sure? We miss having you around. What, with Seth out on his own and you a few states away. Kirsten and I don't know what to do with ourselves!"
"I think it would be better-"
Sandy gripped Ryan tighter around the shoulders, pulling him closer. "Tell Kirsten I tried, at least. Although, if I couldn't convince Seth to stay here for a few days, I didn't expect to win you over." And that was another strange thing that he'd forgotten. Somehow Sandy always knew what Ryan was thinking. That was another reason staying at a hotel had been so appealing. It would cut down on uncomfortable run-ins with Seth.
"Honey, look who's here!"
"Ryan," Kirsten said, her voice so soft and motherly. Her arms were around him before he could even take in the sight of her. She smelled clean and a little floral as her hands smoothed down his back and she cupped the back of his head. He missed this. This moment of feeling like a child again, imagining it had always been her arms he'd fallen into in his youth when he'd scraped his knees or fallen off his bike. When she pulled away, he felt stupid for wanting to pull her back and hold on for another minute.
Kirsten looked over his shoulder as if she expected there to be someone standing there. "Where's Eric?"
Ryan looked at the floor. "Uh, actually, we broke up."
"Oh. I--"
He smiled - tried to, at least. "It's okay, it was mutual."
A long moment of silence followed. Neither Kirsten nor Sandy could meet his eyes. Kirsten kept desperately turning to look at Sandy and Sandy looked back with the same glazed look. Ryan smiled internally, it was like he was sixteen again and had just broken up with Marissa.
Ryan "came out" to the Cohens the week after he graduated. He never told them about Seth. The only people who knew were Summer and Anna. And, of course, Marissa, but she'd taken their secret to her grave.
Sandy and Kirsten were supportive. Maybe a little too supportive as two liberal hippies. They were okay, really. Just a little too polite at first, stumbling over their words and trying not to look uncomfortable. Sandy had broken the tension with some lame jokes about the pool house and girls and Kirsten being flustered. Ryan didn't hear much of it, but laughed along while he watched Seth's mouth pinch and his eyes harden. Seth had locked out that intimate year they had spent together or pretended it had never happened all together. Ryan wasn't sure which. He just knew that when Seth looked at him, it was never with the same eyes. They were blank and critical.
They lost touch after that. Not really, though. Because it was easy enough to see Seth when he wanted. All he needed was an excuse to visit Sandy or Kirsten -Seth still came for dinner at least three times a week. It made no sense to Ryan since Kirsten wasn't famous for her cooking and take-out was more often than not what they ate. He guessed Seth didn't like to be alone. But who did, really?
Ryan decided it was up to him to break the tension. "So, uh, how are things?"
"Great. Thing are great," Kirsten replied, beaming.
Ryan felt the tension slip away. He didn't feel like a stranger anymore. Kirsten's smile always did that to him. She was so willing to give of herself, so receptive to him and his way of life. She had given him his life and he remembered it every time she looked at him like that. You couldn't fake a smile like that.
Catching up in the Cohen living room, Ryan had lost all track of time. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he couldn't believe it was so late. Standing, he grabbed his jacket. "I still haven't gotten them a gift."
Sandy checked his watch. "You'd better go; the store is going to close soon."
"Yeah, I'm sorry to rush out-"
Sandy and Kirsten were on their feet, following him. "Oh, wait," Kirsten said. She skirted down the hall and came back with a canvas bag. "Could you do me a big favour and drop this off at the hall? It's just got some things in it for tonight. I'd bring it myself, but Dad needs me at the office." Ryan took the bag from Kirsten and nodded. It was the least he could do. They both waved to him as he drove off.
Leave it to Summer to pick the most expensive, out of the way place in all of Newport. Ryan trudged up and down the aisles looking for something to buy within his price range. Just because he worked for some uppity architectural firm now, it didn't mean he was making big money. If one of the men that worked there hadn't taken pity on him and taken him under his wing, Ryan would still be doing nothing but making coffee and sorting the mail. He was basically doing all the work that no one else wanted to do, like dealing with scope-of-work issues, helping to format schedules and assisting with bids and budgets. He didn't mind so much. The hours were long, but he liked being in the thick of things, figuring out how things worked from the ground up. Steadily, he had been gaining the trust of his co-workers, and they were starting to offer him more complex tasks. He was comforted by the fact that he had a future with the firm, that eventually he'd get to the place he wanted to be. Still, it didn't make budgeting any easier, especially when Summer had registered at a store that charged twenty-seven dollars for a single wine glass.
It was when he was trying to decide between a bone china tea pot and a waffle iron that he felt a tap on his shoulder.
A voice accompanied the hand on his shoulder. "What did you get them?"
He recognized the voice instantly. It had been a long time. Too long. Ryan turned around so fast, he nearly caused himself whiplash. "Anna!"
She had let her hair grow out and it was stylishly pulled up into a pin, the rest falling in wisps around her face. She wasn't a girl anymore, she was a woman. A beautiful woman, at that. Ryan swallowed her in a hug, her slim body curving into his.
"Hey, Ryan," she said, pulling away.
Ryan smiled. He didn't know why, but if felt really good to see a familiar face, to see Anna,
specifically, in this store filled with nothing else that was familiar. He'd always been able to mould himself to fit any situation, but he was going to have to be pretending for the rest of the weekend and he couldn't quite muster up the energy to do that now. "You're, uh..."
Anna smiled. "Here for the wedding. Summer invited me."
Ryan nodded. Although they had been in touch since Anna moved back to Pittsburgh, with his schedule at work, it had been months since they'd had a real conversation. "That's, that's really good."
"Sooo I was thinking about going with the toaster, what do you think?" She was holding up a four-slice toaster, cocking her head to the side, waiting for his answer.
Ryan read the brief description on the front of the box - toasters had come a long way it seemed. "Good choice. You can never have too much toast."
"You sound like Seth," Anna said, her mouth turned up in a smile.
Ryan brushed off the comparison. "Nah, not really."
"So, this wedding, it's a pretty big deal, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess." Seth and Summer were going to be married in three days. It was more than a "pretty big deal," it was a monumental mistake.
Anna was looking at him in that way she sometimes did, like she could read his true feelings simply by the slightest twitch of his mouth. "And you're okay with everything?"
"Sure, sure," Ryan said, turning to continue his evaluation of the tea pot and waffle maker. He spared a quick glance at her. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I dunno. The double 'sure' kinda gives you away. I know it's not really my business, but it's just that, well, you and Seth-"
Ryan faced her. "I know where you're going, Anna, and I really don't want to go there."
Falling in love with Seth had been the easy part. It had surprised Ryan, at first, when he realized that he loved Seth. Somewhere he'd missed the signs. Between all the grand gestures and nonsensical speech patterns, Seth had slipped inside his head, into his heart, quietly. It was a gradual thing, falling in love with Seth. Or so Ryan had always thought, but maybe... maybe that morning after Sandy had taken him home and Seth's eyes had connected with his, and he could see the starving need there, maybe that's when he really fell.
Unfortunately for Ryan, Seth wasn't nearly as clear of his feeling when it came to love. If Seth had the emotional tools to deal with his own burgeoning feelings things might have turned out differently.
Anna nodded, ready to let the subject drop. "Okay, I can respect that."
Things were awkward now. Ryan attempted to shift gears. "So, uh, how are you?"
"Good, good." She laughed, rolling her eyes. "Well, you know how it is."
Ryan shook his head, smirking. "We're hopeless."
"Yeah, maybe just a little. When did life get so complicated?"
That was the question, wasn't it? "I don't know."
Anna gently pushed him. "Okay, we can't not talk about it."
Ryan faced her. He hadn't planned on a heart-to-heart in the middle of the store. "I know."
"So, Best Man, huh?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know what he was thinking." Moving her hair behind her ear, she bit her lip, keeping her eyes locked on his.
Ryan looked at the floor. "It's Seth, sometimes he just doesn't."
Getting an invitation to the wedding was a surprise, being asked to be Seth's Best Man was a practical joke. At least he thought that at the time, until he got a nervous phone call from Seth a few weeks ago begging Ryan to be there. Ryan couldn't say no. Despite knowing it was inevitable, the first feeling he had, when he agreed to come home and had a chance let it all sink in, was abandonment.
Anna was hugging the toaster to her side and her eyes were still locked on him. She shifted her weight. "How're you going to just, like, stand there and watch? I think I'm going to have a hard time and I only dated him for, like, a minute in highschool."
"I guess I'll just- actually, I don't know. I guess I have to, right?"
"Maybe you can get out of it."
Ryan had considered that. He'd thought of at least a hundred different excuses over the past week-and-a-half but the truth was, he sort of wanted to be here. He wanted to see Seth. And he wanted... What? To prove Seth was making a mistake? Maybe. He just wanted Seth to be sure ...and he wanted closure. "No, I-I can't do that to Seth. And what about Sandy and Kirsten? What would they think? I can't do that to them after all they've done for me."
"They still don't know?" Anna's eyes were wide.
"I don't think they have a clue. I mean, why would they? It's not like we went around telling people."
"What about when they visited you up at school?"
Ryan shrugged. "We acted like friends, brothers, whatever."
"Why didn't you ever tell them?"
"It wasn't up to me. I mean, they're not my parents. It was up to Seth."
"I guess you're right." Her tone was even and they both knew it was a pathetic excuse.
Ryan returned his attention to the shelf in front of him. Looking at Anna would only allow her to see what he wanted to hide. She could see right through him when she wanted to.
"I should go," she said after a minute. "I've got a million things to do before tonight. I'll catch you later."
Ryan looked up and gave her a small wave. "Yeah, see you."
Anna started to walk away but she stopped in the middle of the aisle and turned toward him. "Hey, Ryan?"
Ryan looked up. "Yeah?"
"Get the waffle iron. Seth'll like it." And with that she walked away.
When Ryan got to the hall, he wasn't surprised by the magnitude of it. Summer had always had a flare for the dramatic, and this place, with its high vaulted ceilings and stained glass windows, was nothing if not dramatic.
People were bustling in and out, setting up for tonight. The flowers--pink hydrangeas--looked liked giant globes. Big, beautiful, decadent bouquets sat in the centre of each table. The hall smelled of fresh paint, cleaning solution and chocolate souffle. The doors were open, allowing the room to air out, and huge fans sat at the four corners of the room to help disperse the smell. The last thing they needed was to have guests fainting into their soup.
Everything was pink and white. The table cloths, the name cards, even the Guest Book. And this was just for the rehearsal dinner. It was unbelievable. Ryan could barely imagine what the actual wedding was going to look like.
Perfect. It was going to be perfect. At least, perfect for Summer. There wasn't a touch of Seth in the room.
Setting down the canvas bag on a counter, Ryan took one last look and walked out.