Author's Note: I am determined to write the most crack pairing ever that isn't squicky beyond belief. Since all crack pairings require some explanation, feel free to skip the next five paragraphs (and two sentences) if you don't care to read it.

I saw episodes 116-117 of Naruto, liked Kidoumaru, thought he was incredibly hot when he died (proving that I have unconscious tendencies towards necrophilia), and then immediately tried to think of someone to slash him with. No dice. As much as I wanted to see Kidoumaru with, well, pretty much anyone, he just isn't gay. I had to live with it. I may write him as someone who's into knitting, but if anything, like Gai's tendency to burst out crying as random intervals, it just enforced his heterosexuality (all this really means is that I can't write Gai with a man; I still read Kakashi/Gai at the slightest opportunity).

Of course, that meant I had to search for a woman to put Kidoumaru with. Tayuya was right out. She rather reminds me of Temari with a more abrasive personality, and though both women need laidback guys, (i.e. Shikamaru/Temari), Kidoumaru isn't exactly easygoing. I see him as someone who, if he lived in the modern day, would go rock-climbing and parachuting at the slightest opportunity, probably without the necessary safety equipment.

So again I cast my search. There is a depressing dearth of female Sound-nins, the only other being Kin, who rather lacks in personality and is rather dead, besides. Of course, Kidoumaru is dead too, but series-wise, he bit it less than an hour ago, so doesn't count. . . as much. (Besides, doesn't it strike you as kind of odd that right before Kidoumaru "dies," he says he hadn't been so injured since Kimimaro? Meaning, of course, that he survived such injuries before. And he talked a long, long time after his "fatal" injury. Hmmm. . .) So my hunt for someone to put Kidoumaru with continued, going beyond Sound Village. The only people to come out of Rain and Mist were guys, Sand has the same problem as Sound (and I refuse to put Temari with anyone but Shikamaru), and the only other village with any named characters whatsoever was the Leaf.

This narrowed it down significantly, as did the fact that Kidoumaru doesn't look old enough to be out of his teens yet (and I tend to want to place him at about sixteen). That cut all female jounin from the list, as they all seem to be in their mid-twenties. All that left is the four female genin. Sakura is with Lee, if she's going to be with anyone. Hinata is timid and therefore wildly unsuitable. Tenten is boring, and already taken as far as well-written crack goes (Kankuro, as it turns out). That left one.

Ino, who happens to be the first person and only I ever envisioned Kidoumaru with, is not a well-liked character. She is not as universally hated as Sakura, but far more people are indifferent to her. Kidoumaru is also not well-liked, and probably scales only above Jiroubou in regards to various Sound-nin's popularity. Ino is vivacious, loves life, and is alternately spontaneous and calculating. What do you know, so is Kidoumaru. I know, they've never met, and if they did, under most circumstances they'd try and kill each other, with Kidoumaru inevitably succeeding. This story isn't about most circumstances. This is about unlikely circumstances. It's about the Sound not giving a shit about Sasuke, and therefore none of them are dead. Meaning this is an AU. Duh. It's about the author's note being almost as long as the story itself. It's also about realizing this is going to be even more unpopular than the Kiba/Hinata one-shot I wrote two weeks ago (one review and counting). And so on.

Enjoy, or don't. It's up to you.

--

Ino had never been pining for Sasuke, exactly. She had dated other guys for years, even gone steady with one or two, but in the back of her mind, where she put all the other ideas and fantasies she had long since outgrown, Ino had always thought it would be nice to date Sasuke.

It would have been better if she'd lost him to Sakura fair and square. That's how it should have turned out, the next best thing to having Sasuke-kun for herself. But life never worked out quite as right as it did in all those romance novels she used to read. In the end, it wasn't even that she lost him to anyone in particular, as she never had a chance with him to begin with. Nature had seen to that.

Uchiha Sasuke was gay.

Ino hadn't found out in any particularly dramatic way. She hadn't walked in on Sasuke and Naruto making out in a cloistered bedroom (though this was an unlikely scenario; Naruto was engaged to Hinata and preferred women in general, thank-you-very-much). She hadn't even heard any decent rumors about possible threesomes Sasuke had engaged in lately (Kiba and Shino were exclusive, and both of them were possessive enough as it was).

It was just her and Sakura in a teahouse, talking about nothing in general, and Sakura mentioning Sasuke's difficulty with staying in a relationship for any length of time. Ino's suggestions of possible girlfriends were met with a blank stare.

"Ino, didn't you know? Sasuke likes guys."

And that was it.

It was even a passable excuse to be where she was, getting drunk in a bar, alone for once, in a village that wasn't Konoha (her father was overprotective and it was best to avoid all chances of contact when she did anything even remotely indecent). Ino's dissatisfaction wasn't so much with Sasuke's sexual preferences as it was with her own relationship issues. She hadn't dated any guy more than twice in over a year. It wasn't so much that she had high standards (she did, that just wasn't the problem) as it was that all the men she dated seemed to be missing something. Most of them had been perfectly sweet, considerate, excellent conversationalists, good looking and all that, but. . . safe.

Damn. So that was the problem.

For all her party-girl reputation, Ino had long since given up on dating anyone with any element of unpredictability at all, because her father wouldn't let her be with someone like that.

Maybe it was time that changed.

Ino glanced around the bar. No decent prospects. Most of the guys were already with someone or just. . . ugh. Ino did want to date someone that her father wouldn't entirely approve of (aka interesting) but she still had some standards. Then someone slipped into the seat beside her.

"Hey." Ino turned.

The first thing she noticed was his face, as it was less than a yard from her own. This was a good thing. Though definitely not the hottest guy she had ever met (that honor still went to Sasuke), he possessed rather striking features, an exotic appeal that Ino had never experienced before, and his flirtatious grin only enhanced his looks. His hairstyle vaguely reminded Ino of Shikamaru, but she could overlook that.

"Hey."

"Mind if I buy you a drink?" Especially since he was so definitely not Shikamaru.

She smiled back. "Sure."

The second thing she noticed was his arms as with a relaxed wave he signaled the bartender. The guy had six of them. Interesting.

As the dark-haired man turned back to her, he noticed her gaze. His grin faltered.

"Something wrong?" Her own smile widened.

"Not at all. I've just never seen someone with six arms before. Bloodline limit?"

His look became contemplative. "You're a shinobi."

She took her drink from the bartender with quiet thanks. "On occasion."

"What village?" She downed the liquor quickly, and slammed the glass back onto the countertop with a challenging grin.

"Does it really matter? I'm hardly on duty now." She raised an eyebrow. "Are you?"

He returned her grin. "I'm not stupid enough to be drinking on assignment."

"Good. Wouldn't want to be losing brain cells with a complete moron. What a waste of time that would be." She raised her glass. He mirrored her gesture before finishing off his own drink.

"Amen."

Simultaneously, they signaled the bartender.

Four drinks later. . .

"Gay, can you believe it? Though it just figures. The hottest guy in the village and he turns out to not even swing the right way."

"I got one on you. The girl on my team is a total babe, but she's a complete bitch. You never heard anyone complain so much. And god, every other word is an insult. Drives everyone nuts."

"At least you have a chance with her."

"I don't want a chance with her. Just being around her makes me want to consider guys as a viable option."

"Please don't. There are enough gorgeous men I don't have a chance with as it is."

Her new drinking buddy grinned. "You think I'm gorgeous?"

"Better looking than anyone else in this hellhole."

"That's not much of a compliment. It's like saying you're the most beautiful woman here, because all the others are hags."

"Thanks a lot."

Three more drinks. . .

"You know. . . you really are pretty hot."

"Are you coming onto me?" They were both grinning like idiots. Ino had stopped caring a whiskey and two vodka shots ago.

The dark-haired man considered. "Maybe. I don't really know." He shot her a mischievous smirk that came out looking slightly demented. Probably the alcohol. "I could just be thinking aloud."

"Good enough." They turned to the bartender. He rolled his eyes.

"Second floor, first room to the right. You can pay me in the morning." The two bar patrons looked at each other. Her new drinking partner shrugged.

"All I really wanted was a tequila, but. . ." He raised one eyebrow, the question clear in his eyes. She didn't keep him waiting. Interesting was what she had been looking for, and interesting was what she got. The fact that he was attractive was just a bonus.

"Works for me."

The next morning. . .

It took a moment for Ino to remember where she was. The hangover didn't help. Then she wished she hadn't remembered at all. Had she really just slept with some guy she met in a bar? The three arms wrapped around her waist made that a definite affirmative.

While she considered what to do next, he blearily opened one eye.

"Hmm. . ?" They stared at each other. There was an awkward silence.

"Uh. . . hi."

"Hi." More silence.

He smiled uneasily. "I'm sorry, but I don't remember your name."

Ino blinked. "Did we even exchange names last night?" With a shrug, he pushed himself up into a sitting position, and his dark hair flopped into his eyes. He thoughtlessly brushed it away. Ino couldn't help but think he looked good with his hair down.

"I don't know."

"Well, I'm Ino."

"Kidoumaru." More silence.

"Well, I should probably be getting home. My teammates are probably wondering where I am." She glanced at the wall clock, and groaned. "Especially considering I'm already an hour late for our morning training."

"Yeah, well, my comrades aren't going to be thrilled with me either. I didn't tell them I was leaving the village last night."

They quickly pulled on their clothes, not looking at each other, though Ino couldn't help but sneak a peek. Besides the blush (Good. At least the guy had some shame. Wouldn't want to have slept with an overconfident prick), from what Ino could see, the guy had some very nice definition, especially in his back. Veeerrry nice.

"So. . ." He busied himself with putting his hair back up in a tail, and didn't meet her eyes. "I'll be seeing you?"

"Do you come here often?"

"Not really."

"Good. This place has awful décor. Meet me at that hotel down the street in a week. Five o'clock. Bring flowers." Kidoumaru (nice name. Ino could definitely live with dating a Kidoumaru) blinked. His eyes widened endearingly as she grabbed his chin and pulled him down to eye level, pushing their lips together for a short kiss. The gape just made it easier to get some tongue in. She smiled flirtatiously as the blush darkened, looking almost purple against his dark skin. "See you then." Let it never be said that Ino hesitated when boldness was called for. Lack of confrontational skills was more Hinata's forte.

She was grinning as she walked the path back to Konoha, happy despite the migraine, already planning what dress she was going to wear. Of course, it wasn't like Kidoumaru was a boyfriend or anything. She'd have to see his taste in flowers first before she decided that.