Dark and dangerous like a secret

That gets whispered in a hush

When I wake the things I dreamt about you

Last night make me blush

And you kiss me like a lover

Then you sting me like a viper

I go follow to the river

Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness

How this love is killing me

I'd walks into the fingers

Of your fire willingly

And dance the edge of sanity

I've never been this close

I'm in love with your ghost

-Indigo Girls- Ghost

Days continued to pass in a steady blur that was both long and monotonous, and short and sweet. Brooke hung with her friends, laughed, played games, studied, and enjoyed the last few weeks of her high school life. She also dreamed. Sometimes, they were of the car accident, of her body striking the ground, or of the sterile white hospital bed she'd lay in. Sometimes they were of tears and fighting and vulnerability in someone she'd thought was hard almost all the way through.

Sometimes they were happy dreams. Of that day in the park, of offering soda and being given wine, of wind tunnel hair and kisses in the car. Those dreams made her cry. She'd wake in the morning, and wash her tearstained face in the bathroom. Sam watched her curiously from her own room, a faint hint of sadness on her face.

For Nicole, the days passed at much the same rate. Her wrists itched as they healed, and she garnered some odd looks for wearing sleeves in summer, but all in all the days were much the same as the other. No dreams. No conversations. A rising sense that she had cracked, that she was broken in some fundamental way. She went to church with her mother; she stayed at home at night, at school her only companion was Mary Cherry and they barely exchanged a word, instead Nicole followed her around listening to the Texan's monologues.

She and Mary Cherry hung out in class, between classes, all the time but lunch, where Mary Cherry abandoned her to sit with Brooke.

Nicole couldn't work it out. The Texan wanted to be her friend, and she surely must have realised by now that Nicole was never going to follow her, sit between her and Brooke and chat about fashion, movie stars and local gossip as they used to, but still she persisted.

Maybe the other girl just lived in hope.

Despite the scenes with Sam, the pointed silence between Brooke and Nicole, Mary Cherry hadn't asked either of her friends what was going on. Nicole grinned wryly. Maybe M.C was practicing the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy.

Besides, how would she explain this, this thing that had gone on between them?

Nicole scowled. I wouldn't explain. I'd just tell her to shut up. Brooke would sigh, and frown, and wrinkle her brow and politely tell her that she didn't want to talk about it.

Is that how we're different? I'm rude, she's polite? Politely breaking my heart. Rudely running her over.

Nicole laughed bitterly, an edge of real mirth in her voice as she imagined being lectured for impolitely running over a girl.

She ran perfectly manicured fingernails over the keyboard in front of her and glanced around. The mandatory senior computer course at least gave them a class without Miss Glass, which was a plus. However, the new computer teacher, a tall thin young man with wire frame glasses was staring at her. "Something to say, um, Nicole, was it?"

Nicole glared at him for a moment before she realised what must have caught his intention. Various facial contortions followed by a bitter laugh.

Well fuck him.

She turned a dazzling smile on him, watching the effect it had with satisfaction. From the corner of her eyes, she noticed Brooke shooting her a sharp look. "No, sir." She said innocently.

Lily, who'd become something of a friend also, looked between Brooke and Nicole curiously.

The class ended, and Nicole, instead of making her way out, made her way to the front of the room. She placed a hand on the Mr James' wrist. He looked down at her in surprise. Brooke hesitated by the door, but eventually left, called by her friends. In the deserted classroom, touching his arm, Nicole smiled. Part of her wondered why she felt nothing, not even the mix of triumph and scorn she usually felt when hooking up with a guy. A few minutes later, clinically evaluating his kissing skills, she wondered why she couldn't just get lost in it. Mr James'-

"Call me Robert" -moaned into her mouth, and his hands reached for the buttons of her shirt.

He was hot, for a teacher, in that slightly nerdy Clark Kent way, his breath smelt like mint, and she was suddenly sure that he had the stamina- but he didn't get her excited.

She pulled away first, and teased him softly. "Careful Mr James', you could lose your job if someone walked in on us."

Panic flared in his brown eyes and she smiled to reassure him, placing a finger to her lips.

Outside, M.C waited. The girls walked side by side to the car park, and Nicole drove the other girl home, as she'd been doing ever since Mary Cherry had started speaking to her again.

Brooke had parked next to her ex best friend one day, and commented as Nicole was getting into her car. "That's nice of you."

Nicole rolled her eyes, slammed the door to her car and drove away.

Dating Robert felt like revenge, and it made her feel guilty. Not only for Brooke's sake, but for the man himself. He looked at her like she was special, and she felt nothing.

Robert turned to her and said softly. "Pretty girl. Like an angel."

Nicole looked at him. He was serious, slightly embarrassed. The concern in his dark eyes, the affection, suddenly made her nervous. "What's wrong?" his voice was full of real concern, and it touched something inside the Satan.

She didn't mean it, and she regretted it for its power to make her suddenly younger in this boy/man's eyes, but she cried. Real tears, like she hadn't in weeks, since she tried to die. And before that, she didn't cry because the devil doesn't cry. Satan cares for no one.

Robert held her hand as she cried and Nicole let him because it was easier than getting angry and much easier than causing a scene in a public café. Eventually, she subsided, and Robert let go of her hand, sitting up. "You want a coffee?" he offered. She nodded, and as he left, gave him a faint smile. Men. Bet he thinks this is a sex thing.

When the two sat across from each other at a table, sipping coffee, he met her eyes. "Did I do something wrong?"

Nicole smiled. "All this is very wrong. Illegal in fact." She said flippantly. He smiled, white teeth gleaming, set in a strong jaw. Nicole reappraised her original assessment of him. Hot.

But not for her. She decided reluctantly. However good in bed, however good looking, she couldn't deny that she felt nothing for him but a vague amusement and, surprisingly, affection. Like he was a friend, and not just a fuck-buddy.

"This was a one off." Nicole blurted.

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, I'm not having a thing with you." she stated firmly.

"We're just having coffee."

"I know, but not again. Okay? This didn't happen."

"Why?"

Maybe there was truth juice in the coffee that he poured, or maybe Nicole was just sick of trying to hide it from herself. "I'm in love with someone."

He tried to hide the hurt in his eyes, but eventually he let it show. "Why aren't you with them then? Don't try to tell me they don't want you- I won't believe it."

"Because I hate them too much."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Study hall was poorly supervised. Bio Glass was watching videos in her office, and the class talked quietly and passed notes. Brooke steeled herself, and Nicole got a note on her desk.

Nic, don't you care for me?

Don't be ridiculous.

Please Nicole I'm sorry.

I don't need a girlfriend who pities me.

I think you are pitying yourself enough for the both of us.

Nicole looked up from the note and caught Brooke's eye. There was silence between them for a moment, and Brooke looked worried, then Nicole grinned.

I knew you were in there somewhere Queen B.

I love you, you know.

I don't know. You saying it don't make it so. When we were hiding ourselves, sneaking picnics in distant parks, you loved me. Or you said.

This is where I have to call bullshit. You were scared too.

Of Spam? Samantha Macpherson? I don't think so.

I don't know what of, but if you had insisted, I would have told people.

Bullshit. And I wasn't scared.

What were you then?

None of your fucking business.

Can't you tell me how you feel then?

Outside the classroom, Mr James' paused in the doorway. He caught Nicole's eye. She smiled sadly at him and he nodded politely, before continuing on his way. She watched him go, half wistful, and caught Brooke's eye. The other girl looked jealous, and sad, and for the first time, Nicole resisted the urge to smirk, to flaunt her freedom in front of her ex best friend/girl friend. She looked at Brooke, and then glanced down at wrists where faded scars were concealed with makeup, and back up at the blonde who looked even skinnier than usual, pale, and tired.

If I ever loved her, I owe her the truth. She thought to herself, and began to reply.

I can't explain Brooke-love.

Yes, I love you. But I hate you too. I hate that I hurt you, and that I've got guilt forever now. I can't be anything but your equal and now I never will be. I hate that you chose the stepslut over me, and I hate that part of me would have done the same. Well, no, I'd choose anyone over Sam, but you know what I mean. I…you saw what I was like. I'm messed up. I got high, I hallucinated, and I tried to kill myself.

What about what I did to you? Can't that cancel out what you did to me? Can't we have a clean slate from here on? We're almost adults, almost out of high school. As for choosing Sam over you, it isn't that simple. She's my stepsister, I have to get along with her, but I should have told her about us. I'm sorry I was ashamed but I'm not anymore. And I don't pity you. You have this energy, this force that draws me to you. Even when you're sad, even when you're angry, I want to be near you. I'm not ashamed of you.

Prove it.

In the quiet atmosphere of the room, Nicole, seated in behind Brooke, caught her calm statement to Lily who sat next to her.

"Hey Lilly. I got something to tell you, but don't get the wrong idea. I'm in love.

Not with you. With Nicole."

Lily, who'd been drinking from a bottle of water choked, spat water all over her desk and started a fit of coughing.

"Smooth Lils." Harrison teased.

Samantha, who sitting on the other side of Brooke, somehow missed all of this barring Lily's sudden attack of conspicuousness. She laughed, and, noticed the note.

Prove it.

She glanced up at Brooke, who wasn't looking at her, and scanned to near the top of the note, where a few lines jumped out at her.

I knew you were in there somewhere Queen B.

I love you, you know.

I don't know. You saying it don't make it so. When we were hiding ourselves, sneaking picnics in distant parks, you loved me. Or you said.

Sam felt like her heart stopped. With a sinking heart, she recognised Brooke's handwriting, and identified the other as well. She remembered Brooke crying in the mornings, scrubbing her face in the bathroom. She remembered coming upon them near Satan's car, Brooke apologizing for something…she remembered a certain amount of fear in both girls' faces, and she remembered Nicole screaming when she grabbed her sleeved arms.

Sam looked up, and met Nicole Julian's cold blue eyes. The blond was glaring at her, pouring malice into her eyes. Despite herself, Sam flinched, and looked away. Brooke glanced down, and snatched the note from Sam's grasp. "Samantha!" she gasped. "That's private."

"A private declaration of love." Sam said, not loud, not softly, anger under every word.

Lily leaned over. "Shut up Sam." She hissed.

Sam looked at her friend with betrayal in her eyes. "So you know about this, do you?"

Brooke death stared her stepsister.

"About what. There's nothing to know." She said firmly.

Nicole let out a loud exhalation, and in a disappointed tone said, "The end."

Brooke heard the layers of meaning, heard in her voice the doors slamming between them, and made a decision.

Brooke met her eyes.

"No. this is none of their business, but I won't hide behind that anymore."

"What's going on?"

Everyone was standing, and the teacher was still away. Sam, Carmen, and Harrison stood facing Nicole. Lily stood off to the side, obviously torn, with Brooke still sitting at her seat, eyes on Sam. Mary Cherry, eventually noticing the standoff, wandered up, asking in her dreamy way, "What's going ahn?"
Everyone ignored her and she went to stand near Brooke, reasoning with her curious logic that whatever it was, Brooke had to be right. She was the best dressed and used moisturizer.

"What you read, it's true." Brooke said. She stood, and walked to Nicole's side, standing so close their shoulders brushed. Nicole stared at her in surprise, stunned into silence.

Not Sam though.

"Oh my god." She said with disgust. "Nicole Julian? Satan Incarnate?"

"What? What did you read? What's going on?" Carmen asked.

"I didn't want this to be so…awkwardly public a declaration…" Brooke said uncertainly,

"In fact you didn't want a declaration at all…" Nicole chipped in cheekily.

"But I'm well, I'm in love."

Aghast, the three friends stared, Harrison checking a leer. Mary Cherry, who hadn't picked up on the undercurrents, asked chirpily "With who Brookie?" and Lily hid a grin at the contrast between the Brooke of old and this new one.

Brooke was red, not looking at any of them, but not Nicole. She found a bit of her old spirit, and flashed a grin at three losers opposite her. "Lucky me, huh?"

Then, casually, she took Brooke's hand, and the two walked out, leaving a classroom full of shocked, angry and amused students, and one teacher, who having returned to hear the last words of Nicole, was far too shocked to stop them from leaving.