The Best Laid Plans
Written by Shaun Garin
Justice League Unlimited is owned, created and developed by DC Comics and is developed for TV by Warner Bros. Animation. I own nothing in this DCAU.
Chapter 2: The Bat and the Cat
Ma always said there would be days like this.
Clark Kent was not normally known for his patience when dealing with criminals. Well, Superman was. Not Clark. This boiled down to the unique situation that he was experiencing as the mild mannered alter ego which he had come to adopt as his real personality. Not Kal-El, not Superman, but Clark. There were days when he wondered how the world would have been like if he was "Just Clark" and then he shook the thought off with a grim thought of "Probably a ball of space dust now".
The day had started out so good. A phone call to Wayne Manor to check on the currently incapacitated Bruce Wayne, an amusing chat with Alfred and a promise to forward some cookies when the whole thing was said and done. Well, Alfred said biscuits but the intent was the same.
The morning had begun as usual. Get up, dress in three layers and managing not to look bulky as all hell and have his morning toast and coffee. The Superman suit was worn close to the skin while the Batman uniform had been shed of all extraneous material as possible. The utility belt he wore under his shirt and jacket across the uniform with a thought of "I Will Not Trip Myself Up When Changing Really Fast". And then off to work where Lois would remark something amused and then Perry called him inside. It went all downhill from there.
Perry had noticed Clark's absences to the point of asking about his health. Clark made a half-assed attempt at explaining himself when the phone rang thankfully. Being Superman was easy; Clark Kent had a severe lack of a spine whenever things went straight to hell. It was being Batman in the place of the original that played with his sleeping schedule.
A couple of supervillians had attacked in the week or so of being Batman. What made it worse is that they were from both his gallery and Batman's. It got to the point that Superman was ready to pull his own hair out.
Perry, noticing his obvious fatigue, sent him on a nice easy assignment; interview the curator of the Metropolis Museum on the new rocks that he had received the day before. It was during this interview with the understandably nervous museum curator (the curator had once worked for Lex Luthor and had nearly wet himself when the T-Rex was trashed nearly four years ago), Clark went to work examining the stones.
Pretty, if you liked cats.
The stones were from Ancient Egypt, around the time when Upper and Lower Egypt were at war with each other, before the reformation. Both were sculpted into the cat statues one would find every so often in travel shops but these were made from gold and jade. The gold usually notated some type of goddess but Clark figured he'd have to do some digging to find out the cultural significance of the other.
It was at that moment when one of the most brazen thefts occurred in the history of the museum. There was a spectacular crash as Penguin of all people erupted from the ceiling in an obvious jibe at Batman who was obviously AWOL long enough to prevent his people from running amok. The overweight man grabbed the statues and was off, but not before Clark grabbed a hold of his leg.
Cobblepot tried to shake Clark off, nearly tearing his pants in the process. Then, he got his two new assistants to help him. Clark had to let go. It wasn't every day that someone came up with new tricks and those freakish kabuki sisters were one of them.
Clark fell in plain sight of a dozen people. It was here were Catwoman stepped in.
The woman saved his life or at least his secret identity as Clark obviously could not fly at the moment in time. It was then where she clasped a set of handcuffs to his wrist and hers. At his questioning look, she merely grinned and said, "Insurance. This'll keep the cops off my tail so that they don't hurt the journalist."
Clark couldn't come up with a zingy one-liner so he merely played along.
Ma always said there would be days like this.
"So why does Penguin want those cats anyhow?" asked Clark as the woman pulled him across the rooftops in her usual manner.
"Penguin only wants one," called back Catwoman as she leapt down into an alleyway with Clark following close behind. "He wants the jade cat and there's a falcon to add to it."
Clark raised an eyebrow. "Not following," said the reporter and Catwoman smirked. There was a chirp and the wall fizzed a little bit to reveal a two-seater cycle. Catwoman pulled him over, tossed him a helmet and said, "Get on. I'll explain in a bit."
"Nice bike," said Clark. It was unlike Catwoman to employ a cycle but she had obviously thought out the situation quite thoroughly. "New Genesis Cloaking Device?" he asked, an eyebrow rose in a semi-amused thought.
"Mmmmmaybe," she purred as the woman kick started the engine. "Perhaps I'll give you an interview by the day's end."
Clark decided right there and then that there was definitely a side to this woman that met Batman's approval. Silently he hoped that Diana wouldn't find Catwoman a serious rival. Amazon women were scary.
"Penguin wants the falcon statue," called out Catwoman as the pair raced across Metropolis. "With the cat statue and the falcon statue, he can use it as a giant focusing gemstone, producing laser beams that'll ruin city blocks."
"And you want to stop him. Why?" asked Clark. "Why go to all this trouble?"
"Rumor has it that Batman is out of commission and off the streets," replied Catwoman. "Without him, the entire Rogue's gallery is steering clear of Gotham. And when someone does find him, they're immediately in jail. He's not mincing words if he does appear and even when he doesn't, there's a lot of weird stuff going on around him. Rumor is that he took on Bane without breaking a sweat."
"I see," replied Clark. "CAR!"
"I see it," was the short reply as Catwoman popped a wheelie and drove right over the Mercedes Benz. The Benz owner screamed something not fit for print and Catwoman merely gave him an All American reply.
"You're nuts!" exclaimed Clark, his heart pounding. As Superman, he usually didn't bother about cars, unless they were being hurled at his head. But being on a cycle as a "Helpless Passenger" wasn't going to be good for his blood pressure. Involuntarily his arms that were wrapped around Catwoman's waist tightened a bit and she coughed to remind him of the pressure.
"Not so tight lover, we just met," said Catwoman. "That's some grip you have."
"Lifting hay bales all your life will do it to you," said Clark, feeling sheepish. That leather didn't hide ANYTHING. Lois would KILL him.
"He's WHAT!"
"According to this he's currently careening down the interstate at nearly eighty miles an hour on the back of a two-seater Harley Davidson with Catwoman at the front." Replied Perry calmly. "Do you want the details?"
Lois blinked several times. "That is the weirdest thing I have ever seen before. How does Smallville quality for being a kidnapee? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's almost an affront to nature!"
"Are you done?" asked Perry and Lois shot him a look. "Look, it doesn't look like Catwoman's issuing any demands besides keeping the cops off her tail or she drops one of our best reporters into the ocean. She said that the Penguin is her business and that's final."
"You'd think Superman would have saved Smallville by now," said Lois.
"He's out in deep space," was the short reply from Perry. "Apparently there's some crisis that needs to be resolved."
"Maybe we should get a hot line for the Watchtower," said Lois, throwing her hands up in disgust. "I'm gonna go out."
"Where?"
Lois smirked. "Where else? To see if Smallville's getting any good notes."
"Yow!" Exclaimed Clark as he ducked. "Can't you, I dunno, remove the cuffs or something? I'd like to keep unscathed!"
"You big wuss, you're as bad as Bruce is when he's whining," replied Catwoman as she traded blows with Penguin and his two new Kabuki girls. Her whip cracked several times and the not-at-all-helpless-but-needs-to-be reporter was dragged along by the arm.
"Keep them occupied girls," said Penguin as he spun his umbrella around and pocketed the falcon statue. "We need to make a clean getaway."
Clark ducked several swipes, planted a foot into the stomach of one of them and pushed out lightly. The Kabuki sister flew backwards and skidded across the floor as Catwoman dispatched her own opponent. "Nice moves. You learn that too from lifting bales?"
"Cow tipping," grinned back Clark. "It's all in the push."
"I see. Incoming." Catwoman pushed Clark's head down as the pair ducked simultaneously as Clark caught a foot and spun the Kabuki around to catch a crack of the whip from Catwoman. Two simultaneous clunks and the pair were down as Penguin escaped through the door. Catwoman spat something decidedly foreign before she tugged on Clark's arm. "C'mon, this way!"
The pair barreled out the door only to blunder right into a thrown explosive umbrella, one of which produced smoke. The pair coughed for a moment as Penguin laughed and ran away.
"Something's bugging me," said Clark as the pair sped down the highway on Catwoman's new motorcycle. "Why would Penguin want to commit a crime like this anyhow? It doesn't make any sense."
"Despite the two statues becoming a weapon of mass destruction?" shot back Catwoman.
"Actually did you take a good look at Cobblepot?" returned Clark. "He looked different."
"How so? I was too busy trying to kick his behind."
"Cobblepot doesn't use Kabuki Ninja Girls. And the man looked distinctly sharp featured. And let's not forget the multitude of umbrellas he had. And his voice seemed a bit wrong too." Make that really wrong. That wasn't the Penguin's voice.
"So what are you suggesting?" asked Catwoman.
"I think, this isn't the same Penguin we're dealing with."
Catwoman gave him a look and then smirked. "You're pretty sharp. It's no wonder that you work with Lois Lane."
"I try," said Clark with a grin.
"Lucy I'm home from da club!" Exclaimed Penguin as he walked into the room at the back of the club. "How's life chubby?"
The other man looked at his counterpart. They were both dressed in a tuxedo and a top hat but that was where the resemblance ended.
The first Penguin was dressed impeccably with a monocle perched on his eyes, dark hair slicked back and his long nose prompted a more regal air to his stance. He was surrounded by several thugs and a scientist, one Edward Nygma who had donned the guise of the Riddler but he as well was dressed in his green suit and bowler.
The second was a sharp toothed man, his features not lending a regal air but rather a bird of prey, savage and vicious as he twirled his umbrella around in his hand and he held up the statue. "I got the statue, like we planned. So Cobblepot, what now?"
Cobblepot, the first Penguin walked over and looked over the falcon statue with a critical air. "Very good craftsmanship and you did say it had an added bonus. Where did you find about this peculiar device?"
"Hmph, in my world, the Cobblepots have been living in Asia, specifically China. We had access to a lot of lore from the times," said the other Penguin with a self-satisfied sneer. "Although I ran into a problem."
"Batman?" asked Cobblepot and Penguin shook his head.
"No.Your world's version of Catwoman. I must say that I like the black leather but not the claws." Penguin chuckled lecherously and Cobblepot sniffed.
"Indeed."
"Ahem, gentlemen," called out The Riddler. "May I remind you both that I will require a bit of synothium in order for powering this machine? I believe this requires a withdrawl."
"Ah, yes," said Cobblepot. "There is some in the safe Mr. Nygma. Please take it. We cannot have this valuable machine losing it's wormhole to the other world."
"Penguin's inside," said Clark. "Are you dragging me inside as well?"
"Do you know how to work this?" asked Catwoman, handing him her whip. Clark blinked a few times before he took it and nodded. "Good. Watch our back and make sure you know how to use it."
Silently thanking Diana for the few lessons in using a whip and a rope in an offensive manner, the pair clambered up the side of the building where Catwoman took out the first guard and Clark smacked the gun out of the hand of the second where Catwoman took him out. Giving her semi-reluctant partner a grin, the pair headed inside.
Creeping across the scaffolding, Catwoman and Clark peered over the railing and Catwoman blinked several times. Clark let out a low mutter that would have been Argonian in nature if it weren't for the pronunciation. "Two Penguins?" asked Clark quietly.
"Looks like it," said Catwoman. "Shhhh…"
Down below, the group was working on the machine as a group of henchmen pushed the synothium into the machine. "Aaah, excellent," said The Riddler. "Just a little more and I can reconnect to the other world. This is most exciting, a puzzle and an answer to if there are other worlds out there."
"Hmmm, yes, the possibilities are immense," said Cobblepot. Then noticing Penguin's expression, he added, "Something wrong Penguin?"
"We're not alone," said Penguin and the statement sent chills up Clark's spine. It was proven a moment afterwards as he was tackled to the side by Catwoman who shouted, "DOWN!"
A Kabuki Ninja blade swooped over his head and he planted both feet into the Kabuki Girl's chest and pushed. The ninja flew backwards only to be caught by a goon who grinned and cracked his knuckles.
"We're in trouble," said Clark, uncoiling the whip.
"Get me a flashlight!" shouted Penguin as he grabbed the statues. High above, the pair grappled with the goons in their own fashion. Riddler winced as one of the goons fell down close to his machine but thankfully did not hit the ground.
"You holding up there, Kent?" snapped Catwoman as Clark seemingly strained against a big guy in a wrestling hold.
"I'm fine," grunted Clark as he threw the man to the ground, hard enough to jar him. "You?"
"Just fine." Ground out Catwoman.
Suddenly there was a brilliant flash of energy and Clark yelped as he grabbed onto the slagged railing. "What?"
Down below, Penguin smirked as he aimed the statue at him. "Tweet Tweet Reporter Man." He chuckled before loosing the spotlight.
Clark swallowed. "Aw crap," he winced. Then he yelled in pain as the light engulfed him with a blistering heat. There was a crash which he distinctly realized as him falling to the floor into a pile of boxes.
"CLARK!" Shouted Catwoman. She was then forced to duck out of the way of a blow to the head. Rolling away from the goons, one of them grabbed her in a full bear hug and she hissed angrily, trying to get the leverage in order to free herself.
"Looks like your friend is out of commission," sneered Penguin. "See Cobblepot? It's got more punch than I remember!"
"Indeed," added Cobblepot. "Let us take this moment to vaporize one of our rivals. Shall we?"
"After you," said Penguin, handing him the control for the floodlight.
"I'd rather kick your…" Catwoman's reply was short lived as suddenly, the boxes exploded up and outwards, debris falling everywhere. Everyone turned and two glowing eyes stared out. Catwoman blinked several times and both Penguins and The Riddler gaped.
"That hurt," said Batman as he strode out of the debris, yanking ruined bits of Clark's suit off his body.
"This is new," said Catwoman before chaos reigned on the floor.
"Here's your suit, or what's left of it," said Catwoman, handing Batman his suit. She chuckled. "So… does Bruce know that you're wearing his tights?"
"How did you…?" asked Clark but then he chuckled and shook his head. "Sorry."
"No, it's okay. A secret for a secret then," said Catwoman. "You make a pretty good Batman, Superman, although I promise to keep your secret."
"You sure?" asked Batman. "It's not every day when someone finds out who I am."
"I'm sure things'll work out," said Catwoman. "Oh, by the way, I think Lois Lane knows exactly what's going on. And speaking of which; here."
Pressing a wad of dollar bills into his hand, Catwoman grinned. Clark blinked and said, "This is?"
"Take it. I'm not hurting for it. Think of it as payment for a new suit. That last one looked hideous anyhow." Catwoman chuckled. "You need a ride to the nearest suit makers? With shoulders like that I'd think you'd have problems finding someone to make you suits."
"In a minute. I just want to see what the others are saying." Keying in his super hearing, Batman chuckled.
"I'm telling you, Clark Kent is Batman!" shouted Penguin. "Why won't anyone believe us?"
"Because they believe we're certifiably insane," said The Riddler.
"Shut up Penguin," grumbled Cobblepot as they were toted away. Down below, Lois rolled her eyes.
"Smallville? Batman? That's something for the tabloids, not the Daily Planet." With that, she turned back to Jimmy and called out, "Lets get moving Jimmy! Smallville'll be returned to us later on. I think."
Batman smirked to himself as he stared at the bills. Then, he noticed a piece of paper in the mix and he unfolded it.
Thanks for the Fun. Call me sometime, Smallville. Selena Kyle, 555-2241
"How's damage control?" asked J'onn as Superman appeared on the Watchtower.
"About per usual," said Superman with a wry grin. "Lois thinks I was kidnapped, treated to a nice dinner and a fight and then dropped off at my house after Batman showed up and kicked their collective backsides. On the less public side, I forced Nygma to give me the plans for his machine. We'll be sending the Penguin from another world back in a few days."
"Indeed. And the rumor that Clark Kent is Batman?"
"Who's going to believe a raving lunatic?" said Superman. He felt the laughter welling up and he let it out, startling everyone in range and earning a smile from J'onn.
Ma told him there would be days like this.
She never said how much fun they could be.
Now, to figure out how to tell Lois that he's got a date with a lovely Miss Selena Kyle.