Reflections
Chapter 1 -- "Illusions"
By Marne E. Gustaf (A.K.A. Micansana)
NOTE: This story will come out slowly, and past chapters are subject to change
Morbid Thoughts
Morbid thoughts lurking,
clouding up the mind.
Am I still dreaming?
Have I lost what's left this time?
I need some help here!
I'm floating in the tide.
Black and solid, thick as mud,
Moving slowly along.
Am I still alive or dreaming?
I can't tell, it's been so long.
Mike looked up from his notebook. A single solitary tear wound down his face and fell onto the page, blurring the words. He had cried so much these last months. He was beginning to feel numb to the pain... But he was also beginning to doubt this emptiness inside of him, this void, would ever go away.
Mike lolled his head to one side listlessly. He was tired of crying. He was still sad, but something inside of him was itching for something to happen. Anything!
"Yo Mikey." Raph said, entering the room. Mike looked up, maybe Raph could provide the action he was looking for. "Splint's called a sparring session, I'm supposed to come get you."
Mike thought for a second, 'A sparring session? Man, we're all so out of shape that this should prove very entertaining.' Mike got to his feet and followed his brother.
Raph and Mike entered the training room. Splinter and Donatello were already there. Don was wearing a long sleeved flannel shirt. He was knocking his bo on the floor to an inaudible beat coming out of the old radio in the corner.
"Donatello, please remove your shirt." Splinter said.
"Uhh, if you don't mind, Splinter, I'd rather not." Donatello said, fidgeting, visibly nervous.
"Whatsa matter, Don-san? You getting flabby arms on us or sumpin'?" Raph said, crossing his arms across his chest with a smirk.
"No." Don said defensively "I- It's just... I'm just cold, that's all."
Splinter had had about enough of this 'game'. "Donatello, remove your shirt." he said with a finality that no one dared to question.
Don looked at his sensei, then at his brothers. He nervously pulled the flannel off. The others stared in shocked silence. Along Donatello's arms were a series of straight, yellowed skin... fresh scars. Donnie kept his head down, afraid to lift even his eyes.
"DON!" Raph broke the silence "WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?!?" Don could hear the fury edging into Raph's tone.
Donatello said nothing. Mikey had tears running down his face, all he could see was a blurred image of those raised bumps on Don's arms. His brain started churning... Those lines were so precise, so even. It would be impossible for someone to do them without Don's consent. They looked almost... self inflicted.
"Oh gawd, no..." Mike said silently to himself. Was it possible that he had gotten so lost in his own sorrow that he hadn't seen his brother sink this far down? Pushing these thoughts aside, Mike pushed past his oldest brother to Don. Raph was still snapping and snarling and demanding that Donnie tell him who did this.
Donnie was looking like he wanted to crawl into his shell and hide. Mike gently took his arm and made Don look at his face. "Donnie?" he asked as softly as possible "Did you do this to yourself?"
Don let out a small choked sound, then he slowly nodded his head yes.
There were a few seconds of stunned silence again, and then Raph broke the hush. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!! You stupid little idiot!!"
"Raphael! That is quite enough." Splinter said sternly.
But not even Splinter would stop Raphael right now. He was too angry. All that anger he had bottled up inside for so long was coming out. "No, It is NOT enough!! He's a stupid little asshole, Splinter!" Raphael then turned to Don, who was looking very afraid. Raph grabbed him by the arms, wrenching him from a stunned Michaelangelo's grasp. Raph shook him angrily, Don turned a pale color, all pigment draining from his face. "What the hell were you trying to do Don!?!?! Don't you think this family has been through enough SHIT!?!? Do you think we want to lose ANOTHER brother!!!! You're supposed to be the smart one! Well, Donnie, this was a REAAL dope move, REAL dope. You disgust me." Raph snarled and pushed Don with all of his strength. Donnie went flying across the room and smashed into the wall. Raphael flashed the others a look of such pure, malicious anger that not even Splinter would have dared got in his way as he stalked out.
Donatello groaned as he picked himself up, he was shaking like a leaf and his fear was still running high.
Mike looked at his battered brother, then looked to the door where Raph had stalked out. 'Well, at least Raph is back to normal.' he thought bitterly, cursing his tempermental brother.
Raphael stood on the cold hard metal train bridge. He stared down at the black rushing water below, his breathing loud in his ears. The waves twisted and churned, biting and snarling at each other, symbolizing the way Raph felt inside.
"It'd be so easy..." Raph said quietly to himself, "The body would wash out to sea... no evidence for those damn humans..."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." said a voice behind him.
'Wha?' Raph wondered. How was it possible that this person had snuck up on him without him knowing!? He turned around quickly, ready to bark and snap at whoever was there. But one look stopped him dead in his tracks. Perched on the railing opposite him was a female turtle. She had a light blue eyemask, and a velvet black and red cloak that was latched around her neck was fluttering slightly in the breeze behind her. She had a voluptuous figure that caused Raph's mind to go into overdrive, and long curvy legs. One look at her, and Raph was thinking she looked like a turtle version of barbie.
She finished buffing her nails with the nail file, then looked up at him. "Now you don't wanna jump, do ya?" she fluttered her eyelids at him, "What if the body doesn't get washed out to sea? What if it washes up somewhere on shore? Then, what about your family?"
"What the hell do you know about my family!?" Raphael snarled, his anger overwhelming his curiosity.
"I know a lot. Like your brother, Leonardo, died about six or seven months ago. I know that it would be no fair for you to jump. I mean, your other brother, Michealangelo, only has one sibling left. Would it be fair to take that from him too?"
"What the hell are you talking about? There are three of us left!" Raph snapped.
"Oh Raphy, Raphy, you don't really think Donatello survived that, do you? Even you should be able to see that he couldn't. I mean, he was already weak from blood loss."
"LIAR!" Raph raged. In a lightning fast move, he took his sai and stabbed her in the chest, right above her chestplate, shoving the glinting steel in deep. "You fucking little lying whore!" he growled. He spat at her as he pulled it out with a savage twist.
"Tsk tsk tsk," she said, her voice turning low and husky, "Such a temper Raphael!" and before his eyes her form shifted into one of a human male. He was Hispanic, and an amused smile was annoyingly on his lips.
"Who- What the fuck are you?" Raph asked, a mix of fear and anger in his awed voice.
"Hmmm, now that's a toughie. I'm an illusion, kinda. I'm real, but then again, I'm not."
"Who are you?" Raph asked in a low, menacing voice.
The being belted out a laugh. "I've been called a lot of things, hmmm... lessee, Hell Spawn, Demon, Freak, Raven, Coyote, I rather liked that one, along with some names I'd rather not repeat. But, seeing as I'm both a spectator and an illusion here, you can call me Specter."
Raphael snarled and spun around, he stomped away, the cold metal stinging his feet even through his thick calluses. Specter dug his hands into his pockets, smirked, and followed him, whistling to himself.
After walking a bit, Raphael took to the rooftops. Specter followed him. Following Raph on this level was hard, and Specter found his current body ill equipped, so he switched to a better suited one.
"So Fireball, where are we going?" Specter asked.
Raphael stopped dead in his tracks at the sound of that familiar voice. The only one who ever had called him that name, Fireball, was dead, or so he thought. Was it possible? ...'No' he thought bitterly to himself, 'It's just another one of that bastard's tricks.'
He spun around, ready to yell at Specter, but when he saw the ghost of his older brother, he couldn't talk over the lump in his throat. It was perfect down to the last detail. Leonardo. Strong, youthful, and vibrant. Leonardo, before that disease had deteriorated his body. 'Oh, god, that bastard.'
Raph swallowed the lump in his throat, and found his voice "Who the FUCK gave you permission to use that form, you sadistic asshole!?!"
"Oh, you don't like this form?" Specter said with a smirk "I'll find one you like better." and he shifted into Raphael's form. An odd look came onto Specter-Raphael's face, as if he was trying to control himself. He shook his head violently, then replaced that look with the smug smirk that Raph was beginning to loathe. "You got a lot of anger in you, Raph, my boy." he said in a voice that mimed Raph's gruff tone perfectly.
Raphael growled and bristled. He wanted to deck that Specter across the face, but he just couldn't bring himself to hit... well... himself. Instead he spun around and started running across the rooftops, trying to lose Specter. But, to no avail.
Raphael dropped down onto April's fire escape. About two seconds later, Specter dropped down next to him, still in Raphael's form. "Ah, April O'Neil's." Specter's smirk turned a little more smug "Too bad that you're a turtle, Raphael. She is one fine lady." Specter shifted back into his human male form.
Raphael sneered at him "You aren't welcome here."
"What?" Specter said, "Oh, I'm sorry, you must think I care."
Raphael growled angrily and muttered something inaudible under his breath. He slid the sliding door to April's apartment open. "April!" he called, "You home?"
"Raph? Is that you?" came April's voice.
"Yea." Raph said, stepping into the living room.
April appeared from the hallway "Raph!" she called happily, she ran over and gave him a hug. Raphael returned the hug.
"Whoa! I guess I have the wrong form, looks like April here prefers you green skins."
"I said you weren't welcome here." Raph growled under his breath.
April pulled away from Raph and looked at him in confusion. "Me?" she asked.
"No," he glared off into space, "Him."
April turned around, confused, "uhhh... who, Raph?"
"HIM!" Raph said pointing at Specter.
April turned and looked at Specter, who was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Raphael noticed with much distress that she seemed to stare right through him. She shifted her eyes left and right, and with an increasing urgency, up and down. "Uhhhh," April said nervously, "There's no one here but us, Raph."
"Oh, did I forget to tell you? You're the only one who can see me." Specter smirked.
"You bastard, show yourself to her, Specter. I'm not afraid to stab you again!"
"Tsk tsk tsk, so much anger Raphael, it's just not healthy. I don't wanna show myself to her, and I'm not afraid of you, so you can stop threatening me. You've seen that it has no effect on me, I'll simply shift out of this form into another one."
"Ass..." Raphael growled.
April looked on in shock. Raphael really seemed to see something, and be talking to it! What was this? Some kind of sick, perverse practical joke?
"Raphael," April said, "What's going on?"
Raphael dropped his head... he wasn't sure. "I don't know April. I think I'm going insane."
April put her arm around his shoulders to comfort him. Suddenly Raphael remembered his reason for going to April's. "April, can you do me a favor?"
"What?"
"Can- Can you call the lair and make sure Donnie's okay?"
"Can't you?" April asked.
"I'm pretty sure I'm not very welcome there at the moment. I sorta exploded at Don and I'm afraid that I hurt him."
"Okay." April said. She went and picked up the phone. She dialed the lair's number from memory. As the phone rang, she thought to herself 'Jeez, just when I was sure I'd never see 'em again, Raph comes back into my life and he's gone totally WACKO!'
"Hello?" said Michaelangelo's voice on the other end of the phone.
"Hi Mikey. It's April."
"Oh hi April. Have you seen Raphael?"
"Yes, I have." April said, turning around and seeing Raph sitting on the couch, growling and bristling at something she couldn't see. "He's here with me in the apartment. In fact, that's why I called. He wants to know if Don's all right."
"Donnie's fine. No thanks to HIM."
"What happened?"
"I'd rather not talk about it. What it comes down to is that Raphael lost his temper and almost KILLED Donatello!" April was pretty sure Mike was exaggerating, but he sounded pissed off. Anger was not a common emotion for Mike, so maybe he wasn't.
"What should I tell him?" April asked.
"Don't tell him anything, let me talk to him."
April looked at Raph, he was sneering at that thing she couldn't see again. "Okay, Mike, but I need to talk to you a little later. I'll call later tonight. I'll go get Raph."
"Raphael, your brother wants to talk to you."
"Uh oh, Raph's in trouble." Specter said, grinning that sardonic grin that Raph so hated.
Of course, April couldn't see or hear him, so it confused her even more when Raphael growled "Shut up." at apparently nothing. She sighed and shook her head, then handed him the phone.
"Hello?" Raph said.
"Raph?"
"Yea."
"I'm very mad at you Raphael. You are not welcome down here tonight. You can find your own place to sleep. And until you can learn to control your temper, you are not to set so much as a FOOT into this lair, you hear me? You nearly KILLED Donatello tonight. Like you said, we don't need another dead brother. I don't wanna lose you as a brother, but I'd rather let you go then let one of your childish temper tantrums kill one of us!" Mikey slammed down the phone, angry as hell. He wasn't sure if he was more mad at himself, or mad at Raphael. Probably a mix of both.
On the other end of the line, Raphael stood in silence, listening to the dial tone. He slowly set the receiver back in it's place. He drew in a long shaky breath and turned to face April.
"So?" April asked.
"Can I hole up with you for the night, April? I was right about not being welcome back in the lair."
"Sure." April said, trying to smile and make the best of the situation. But when she remembered what Mikey had told her, she just couldn't be cheery.
April went and got some blankets and a pillow from the closet. She gave them to Raph and went to get herself ready for bed. As she changed into her pajamas, Michaelangelo's words kept running through her head, 'He almost KILLED Donatello!' and she was letting him sleep in her living room.
April sighed as she slipped the flannel nightshirt over her head. 'Also,' she thought to herself, 'He's talking to shadows. Who's to say he won't think I'm one of those shadow and try to hurt me?!' the thought made April shudder.
"What am I getting myself into?" April sighed to herself.
Out in the living room, Raph thought about what Mike had said as he made up his bed on the couch. It had hurt him. If it had been anyone else he could have just easily blown it off, but this was Michaelangelo. His best buddy. His counterpart. Mike was the cheery one of the group, and Raph had somehow managed to tee him off.
Raph knew he was losing it. It had started long before Leo had died. Long before Leo had even fallen ill. His brother's death had just been the breaking point for Raph. He had finally snapped. His first reactions had been of fear, and now he saw that this insanity inside his head could not be contained. It took odd forms.
Raphael looked at Specter, who was inspecting the contents of April's fridge. "Stupid crappy." Raph muttered under his breath.
Raph heard April talking to herself. He snuck over to her room, ninja style. He peeked in and saw as she turned that she had her cordless tucked up between her face and ear. "No Mike, I'm serious. He's completely loosing it... He's talking to, and yelling at shadows, Mike!" April said, "Well, I'm just warning you to be careful when.. uh.. if he comes home, he's just not stable Mike."
Raphael sighed and snuck back to the living room. He didn't see Specter anywhere, and frankly, he didn't much care. He lay down on the couch and blinked back the tears. 'I am going insane.' he thought to himself, 'I'm NOT stable. I just want to go home... but I don't even have that anymore.'
Chapter 2 coming someday *G*
A special thank you to Kerri Hofer for allowing me to use her poem, Morbid Thoughts.
E-mail me with any thoughts, or review me! :D
