::sniffle::

It's about to end.

Yes, that's right this is the last part in the four part short stories entitled How to Take Care of Your…

…Archaeologist

…Jaffa

…Astrophysicist

And now, without further ado, I don't own it, and this is the final fic of the series!

Uozumi

"What is this about again, Dr. Jackson?"

"Revenge," the young man with sandy hair in his early-thirties smirked slightly. "He called it fanficition, right, Sam?"

"Yes," she nodded.

Teal'c still stared with his questioning look, "What is fanfiction?"

"Good question…" Sam murmured.

"Fanfiction is when you take a story that's already been around and make shorter stories about it, you know, imitation is the highest form of flattery," Daniel explained.

"Yet, why would we be a fanfiction?" Teal'c inquired, attempting to comprehend this new human phenomena.

"Remember Wormhole Extreme?"

"I thought we agreed never to utter that name again, Daniel."

"Anyway, someone was inspired by it and created something with a little more intellectual and scientific meaning, called…" he clicked a few things, then brought up the page he wanted, "Stargate: SG-1."

"That's us," Sam stared.

"Yes," Daniel nodded, "and this is , and trust me, it can be very disturbing at times."

"How so, Dr. Jackson?"

Daniel glanced at Teal'c, then shook his head, "Okay, Jack's pen name is…Da Bomb…" Instantly Jack's bio page came up.

"Okay, now, let's see what format he puts these in…."

How to Take Care of Your Commanding Officer

as told by SG-1

Your commanding officer is one who you are to look up to, who inspires you to do your best in every condition, and always keeps a mind on safety and your best interests. A commanding officer understands, thinks, and keeps from going overboard…

"Daniel, what the heck are you writing?"

"That doesn't sound like Colonel O'Neill."

"I know! Just wait!"

However, that is purely fantasy. A commanding officer is loud, impulsive, sarcastic…

"What are you guys doing?"

…is also able to sense trouble, even if he's too dense to figure out why he managed to hone on it in the first place.

"Nothing," Daniel shrugged.

"What are you doing, Colonel?" Sam smiled.

Teal'c simply raised an eyebrow, but remained silent.

"Well, I was looking for you guys…."

He can be prone to loneliness and teasing. If you let him, he would probably golf through the Stargate…

"…What are you doing, Space Monkey?"

"Something that I want to," Daniel's cornflower-blue eyes met Jack's brown eyes, "What are you doing?"

"I was looking for you guys so we could go over the brief for our next mission."

The room grew silent, all looking at Jack as he looked at them. "So, let's talk about the next mission," he prompted. "Seriously, you guys look like you know something I don't."

Your commanding officer can be very dense when he's not being dense at the same time. He is a big contradiction just walking around, and doesn't know when to give up or shut up.

"We don't, Jack, proceed with the mission briefing."

"Then come out from behind the computer."

Daniel raised an eyebrow, "Why? I'm working on my research! I can't just -"

"Okay! Okay! Let's just start the meeting…" Jack grouched, then opened up the manila envelope, "Okay, we're going to be going to PV…"

Your commanding officer can easily be thrown off course if you give him a plausible lie. He will believe anything that sounds like something you would be doing, and ignore his misgivings if you can pretend enough that you are really doing research or whatever.

"Space Monkey, are you paying attention?"

"Oh yes."

Jack studied him a moment, then sighed, "What is with you guys? You're all acting paranoid or something."

Just because your commanding officer knows what he's talking about doesn't mean he trusts himself. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. If you are on a planet and he feels something strongly, you can't make him back down from his position, yet, when you are in the base or somewhere else on Earth, it's easier to get him side tracked.

"We aren't paranoid, sir," Sam spoke up, "Will you continue?"

"Yes, Colonel O'Neill, what are we to do after we get there?"

Jack eyed all three, stared intently at Daniel as the younger man's fingers flew across the keyboard, then he began to read the briefing where he left off, "…there you will find…"

Of course, your commanding officer isn't stupid, he knows when he's being had. It's usually just a matter of time before he cracks, provided that you string out your deception long enough for him to finally fully decide to say something.

"…and Space Monkey will type a letter to his girlfriend, and then he'll just keep ignoring me, and then…"

Sometimes, if you pretend he doesn't exist, he says odd things to grab your attention, then either will give up, or…

"What are you doing? Is your research so fascinating that you won't listen?"

Daniel looked up, 'Well, you rarely listened to us when you were doing this…'

"Actually, I'm writing a report."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "A report?"

…or you'll cave in and try to throw him off for a while.

"Yes, a report."

"Like what kind of report?" Jack narrowed his eyes.
Sam kept quiet, glancing at what Daniel had been slogging out as they exchanged looks.

"A vital report," Sam responded.

"Really, Major?"

Although, when you cave in, you might be digging yourself a hole that is caving in around yourself if he decides that what you're doing is more interesting than what he's doing.

"Really," Daniel nodded, "We have to do this for Dr. Frasier, unless you want -"

"Say no more," Jack held up a hand.

Ah, yes, there are magic words when your commanding officer decides to try to smoke you out. Just say, "Dr. Frasier," or "Janet," and he'll be out of your business immediately. Your commanding officer has a fear of doctors (even though he claims he doesn't) and detests stays in the ward, and anything that has to do with being near it or in it.

Jack continued to watch Daniel type. He had a bad feeling about this.

"Seriously, though…"

"Seriously, we're going to show this to Janet, right, Teal'c?"

Teal'c gave Daniel an odd look, "Why would we show Dr. Frasier your fanfiction, Dr. Jackson."

"F - Fanfiction?" Jack stared.

Another thing about your commanding officer is that he will have a passion for odd hobbies, like fishing, and fanfiction writing (how that one came about, I don't think I want to know). Anyway, once he knows you share in one of these passions, he won't let you get away with it.

"So, what are you writing?" instantly Jack was hovering over the computer."

"Oh, nothing…" Daniel drawled. "Why?"

Jack stared at him, "What are you writing?"

"Why?"

They stared at each other a moment, and then Daniel returned to it.

Eventually even the densest of commanding officers will catch on…

"HEY!"

…to what you are doing.

"You're writing about me!"

"And, why not?" Daniel met Jack's gaze.

"Because - Because, I'm your commanding officer, and -"

Also, sometimes he'll use faulty logic, like he's a civilian's commanding officer, when, technically, a civilian isn't bound by such a hierarchy.

"Faulty…" Jack got behind the computer, then began reading what Daniel had wrote.

"Hey! I'm almost done!"

"I'm reading it!"

"JACK!"

"What do you mean, 'dense?!' I'm not dense!"

"Au contraire…."

In the end…

"Space Monkey, I wasn't done with that para -"

"Yes, you were."

…your commanding officer is very commanding, loving to give out commands, but if you know how to evade them, you can get your work done as you want.

Jack narrowed his eyes as Daniel continued typing.

Anyway, your commanding officer is also shrewd, and knows when he's being had, but if any of us were the commanding officer, it just wouldn't work.

For SG-1, we need an officer that's brash, impulsive, sarcastic, and has our best interests at heart. We know he would give his life for us, and we would give our lives for him. We couldn't ask for more, except maybe that he could exercise a little more willpower when he starts demanding things of other civilizations.

THE END

"I don't know whether to feel flattered or slandered."

"Was it not flattering, Colonel O'Neill?"

"Oh yeah, Teal'c real flattering."

"See, you are sarcastic!"

"That's enough out of you, Space Monkey, and I suppose you had something to do with this too, Carter."

"Yes, sir, it was partially my idea."

"I can't believe this!"

"Well, you have to, Jack, I just posted it."

"SPACE MONEKY!"