Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Never fear, I did not fall into an endless abyss going to the center of the earth where there is no internet. I am making my triumphant return! Yes, I am actually updating, believe it or not! Sorry about the delay, I've had a lot of stuff going on. You may or may not know that my uncle Lacy was sick with stomach cancer, well he passed away last month. Thanks to all who have sent kind words my way and those who's writings have made me smile in such bleak times. But I am updating seeing that Spring Break is now here and I have nothing to do, huzzah! And I'm trying to make up for the lack of updates by leaving you this extra-long-super-special-and-chock-full-of-interesting-and-suspenseful-humor-mega-chapter! Three cheers for Lil! crickets chirp Where's the cheering? Anywho, on to the review responses! THANK YOU to Avalon Estel (as always thank you, and since you are my friend I will forgive you for not reviewing before. And I'm glad you like it, wait 'til you see what happens next, it's even wierder! -Gasp- I really don't like Hermione so I can do that to her, author's rules. Muahahahaha!), inuyoukai-san (thanks so much, glad I made you laugh! And if you're odder than Ron and his broomstick then you're pretty odd, neh? But I like Ron, he's kinda cute in an annoying sort of way.), Becca (wow, you haven't laughed that much in years? I feel priveledged! Either that or you need some comic relief in your life, lol. Hope you laugh just as hard this time!), Pinkypig (thanks so much! Glad you like it!), Jessa L'Rynn (thanks for the suggestion, but how would that explain the mysterious shadowy figure lurking behind his door and cackling evilly? Nice try, though, that would've been interesting if he'd done it himself. Very creative!), and tofu (OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, you don't have to beg! Here's more! Be happy! And glad to hear I'm brilliant, I always love compliments! -grins-) Wow, 6 reviews this time! I think that's a record! But I neglected to update for 2 months, so I was expecting more than that. Alas, I'm so unloved! Anywho, please enjoy the next chapter, and leave a nice review! And go check out my double drabble starring our two favorite professors, it's entitled How Could You? Thanks to all of you who have already read and reviewed it (13 amazing reviewers so far and it hasn't even been posted for a whole day!) Hope you like this chapter, and suggestions for the culprit are always welcome as I didn't like who it was last time I wrote it. If I don't get suggestions I'll just make it someone stupid and then you'll all get angry so... SUGGEST! Now on with the story, right after this handy-dandy disclaimer!
Handy-dandy Disclaimer: I didn't take them. Really this time. No, I don't care who you have testifying against me! No kidding? Well in that case I confess, I confess! Here, take them back! I'm too young to go in the slammer!
Love Potion Number 9
Chapter 5
The pair of puzzled professors proceeded to sneak about the castle, slowly making their way down to the dungeon. There was a close call as the lycanthrope heard the sound of approaching teenage girls, but they missed being seen by ducking into a large wardrobe. As soon as the gaggle of giggling girls got far away, they crept out and continued on their way.
After reaching the door to Snape's cheerful abode, they began to argue over who would be the one to open it. Neither wanted the task, as it was unsure what dangers lurked beyond the threshold. There was only one way to determine who it was going to be… rock, paper, scissors! Unfortunately, Lupin's scissors were beaten by Snape's rock, and he was going to have to open the door.
Creeping cautiously to the entranceway, he reached over and gently grabbed the knob. Wincing, as if expecting a trap, he flung the door open and jumped away to the side, narrowly avoiding the mountain of strange objects that tumbled out of the opening and covered Snape! All that was visible was a black shoe, and you could hear muffled screams for help emitted from the pile of pink.
Upon closer inspection, as he bent down to dig his friend out of the 'trap', Lupin discovered that it was no trap at all, but instead a horde of affectionate gifts from Snape's many admirers. There were cards, flowers, cupcakes, teddy bears, boxes of candy and… chocolate! The chocolate-loving-werewolf restrained himself from devouring the savory sweets and turned back to the task of retrieving the recipient of the romantic rewards. Finally reaching the raven-haired romeo and hauling him to his feet, Lupin said, "So that's why they were all down here! Aww, were they giving widduw Sevvie-wevvie some nice fwowers?"
A glare from the peeved Potions professor shut him up quickly, and the two carefully climbed the pile of presents to enter his chambers. A frightful sight greeted them, there were more objects of adoration inside, heaps upon heaps of every girly gift you could imagine! All of a sudden, out of nowhere Dobby the house elf popped up wearing a pink tutu and strumming a small guitar. He ran up to Snape and began singing 'Pour Some Sugar on Snape!" in a horribly off-key voice. Running away from the tiny crooner, Snape found that the elf followed him everywhere! He couldn't escape! Finally exasperated, he picked up the creature and tossed him out the door, trying to shut it but failing because of the mountain of gifts in the way. "Go away!", Snape screeched as Dobby happily bounded back into the room, still singing.
"But Professor Snape, sir," said the elf, "Miss Weasley has sent me to serenade you with songs of love!" Finally, after much insistence by the wizards, he left. Happy to be rid of the hair-less hair metal horror, they decided to search the rooms for any signs of foul play that could be the cause of the ladies' sudden affixation with the dark and creepy man.
But where to start was the problem. After much looking around and not being able to do anything accomplishing with all of the mess in the room, Lupin sat down on the sofa with an exhausted 'squish'. Wait, that isn't the sound one normally makes when one sits down upon a sofa, is it? Jumping up, he turned around to find that he has sat down on the golden tray of Pansy Parkinson's pancakes! With much snickering from Snape, theDefense teacher pulled off the gooey mess and dropped the tray to the floor. Still there were partially pulverized pancakes stuck to the back of his pants, which made his companion laugh harder. But a quick cleaning spell remedied the situation and a quick reprimand and threat to go find the love-struck ladies and reveal the Romeo's location shut up the snorting Snape.
Seeing as how they were getting nowhere, Lupin suggested that they start at the beginning. He asked the Potions Master to restart his day and go through every detail so they could examine all aspects and opportunities for sabbotage. So Snape decided to go where he was first thing every morning, in bed. Retracing his steps, he led Lupin into his bedchambers, which were fortunately sealed by a spell that meant the horde of hysterical harpies who left him the frightening presents couldn't get in. "Well," Snape said, "I don't see anything suspicious in here."
Checking out everything, the bed, the dresser, the closet, even knocking on the walls to check for hollow stones like paranoid nutcases, turned up nothing even slightly off. All of a sudden Lupin's super-werewolf-smelling-abilities picked up a foul scent. "Severus, something wicked this way comes!", Lupin said, looking towards the door. "I smell something evil around here, and I don't think it's you!"
Deciding to ignore that last comment, Snape turned towards the door and went back into the main living area. Then, seeing a shadow out in the hallway he shrieked again like a little girl and ran to hide in the bathroom. Just then Draco Malfoy entered the room, climbing over the pile of gifts left by the weird women. "Umm, you haven't seen Professor Snape around, have you?", the blonde boy asked Lupin. The man replied with a negative shake of his head. "Oh," said Draco, "well if you see him will you let him know that there's a whole gang of women looking for him? There're a ton of people searching the castle, just thought I'd let him know."
The Slytherin lad then left and went back to wherever he was before thoughtfully thinking to warn his Head of House. Going over to the bathroom door, Lupin knocked and said to Snape, "It's alright, you can come out now. It was just Malfoy. He left now, but he said there are a whole bunch of women looking for you. As if we didn't know! Didn't everyone see the scary ladies searching for you earlier? Can't the boy see the strange gifts of affection piled all around the room? Honestly, he's as dense as a slab of pork!"
Snape emerged, looking around frightfully as if all of the women would jump out of some shadowed corner and pounce upon him. Once outside the bathroom, he asked his friend, "Are you sure that he was the evil person you smelled coming toward here?" At Lupin's nod he gave a sigh of relief. "Well then, I guess we should continue our investigations!" With that he led Lupin back into the bathroom from whence he just came and started going over his morning routine again. "Let's see," the raven-haired man said, thinking out loud, "Hmm, I took a shower and got dressed, then shaved and left for the Great Hall."
After checking the water for anything unnatural coming out of the faucets, toilet, or shower, pouring out and examining the shampoo, conditioner, soap, shaving cream, toothpaste, and odd floral scented bubble bath (which caused Lupin to send a strange look toward his colleague), they still could find nothing wrong. They even examined the towels and washcloths, bathroom rug, toilet brush, plunger, mirror, toilet paper, and dental floss. Still nothing, blast! There was nothing sinister about any of these ordinary household bathroom items.
Then Snape saw one last bottle left in the cabinet, his aftershave. Still highly doubting anything could be wrong, he checked it just to be sure. Pouring some into a test tube, he noticed that it wasn't exactly the right shade of blue. It was more of a green color, and it was kind of fizzy-looking like Alka-Seltzer. Intriguing. He sniffed it and found that it didn't exactly smell like normal either, it was rather like sniffing a test tube full of oranges mixed with sushi. But before he could further investigate what was wrong with it and hopefully find a cure if this was the source of foul play, he noticed that his werewolf friend was being unusually quiet. Turning around, he found Lupin to be gone! And worse, in his place was a woman!
While Snape was busy examining his toiletries, a group of oddly-dressed girls had snuck stealthily into his room and lassoed Lupin, gagging him with an apple, putting a blindfold over his eyes, and tying him to a pole. He was immediately carried away by two masked figures in grass skirts and coconut bras, struggling and trying to warn his buddy of the dangers that lurked within the chambers. Their leader, a woman in a mask that looked like a tiki-version of a pig, sauntered up to their target and, just as Snape turned around, proceeded to whack him over the head with a large book. He fell to the floor and was tied up similarly to his friend, then carried away on a pole by two more tribal teens.
After taking their hostages, the freaky females retreated to the sanctity of the restricted section of the library. Magically fixing the poles to stick into the ground, they left their captives there and began gathering things needed for their ritual. Making a bonfire in the middle of the space, and somehow not burning the carpet, they placed an altar made of wood on the side of the flames opposite of the pilfered professors. Then they strung garlands of flowers all around the bookshelves, even making leis and placing them around the necks of their prisoners.
Waking Snape up with a simple charm and removing Lupin's blindfold, the ladies revealed their location to the wizards. Then they formed a large circle around the fire and the men and began to dance and chant in a hypnotic but frightening way. As moments passed the chanting grew louder and the girls grew closer. Terrified, Snape was unable to speak from fear and Lupin couldn't speak due to the apple still in his mouth. The former was worried that they wanted to take him and do horrible forms of torture to him until he agreed to (shudder) marry them. The latter was afraid that they were going to use the pole he was tied to as a spit and roast him over the open bonfire. Either choice was not pretty, and the men could only stare in horror as the chief of the scary tribe walked up to them and removed her mask!
Madam Pince cackled evilly as she walked up to her object of desire. Stroking his cheek, she said, "Hey there, handsome! Where have you been all my life?" Actually she was quite old, so he wasn't even alive for the majority of her life, but she didn't realize this and he wasn't about to call her old to her face seeing as how he was tied to a stake in front of a fire!
He replied to his scary abductor with a, "I'm not sure, but wherever it was I wish I was there right now!" Apparently this wasn't the appropriate thing to say either, as she shoved an apple in his mouth and told him to be silent, as this was a library.
She instructed her followers to remove their masks, which they did. To the hostages' horror there were many more students that they had not yet encountered in their escapades. Gazing lovingly in their Potions Professor's direction were many starry-eyed students including Lavender Brown, Eloise Midgen, Marietta Edgecomb, Hannah Abbot, Penelope Clearwater, Millicent Bulstrode, and Susan Bones, who were in the front and therefore identifiable. They had stopped circling the teachers like vultures, but were still chanting in low, spooky voices.
Then a loud gong sounded and a frightened looking Professor Flitwick was led in at wandpoint by Ginny Weasley and Daphne Greengrass. The Slytherin and Gryffindor students were working together at last, but under scary circumstances. The bound professors only had a moment to wonder what was going on before the tiny man was placed under the altar and three girls from behind pulled up Snape's stake and carried him over to the front of it. He was then placed back into the ground and Pince stepped up next to him in front of the altar, now wearing a wedding dress. Still having wands pointed at him, Flitwick began to read from a book. Wait a minute, those were wedding vows!
The poor potion maker only now realized what was going on and tried uselessly to escape. Fortunately for him there was a disruption, as some of the others began to protest, saying things like 'Hey, how come she gets to marry him?', 'We helped capture him, we should share him!', and 'I thought you were already married, Gameela, what are you thinking?' That last question came from the Charms teacher, as he was looking for any excuse to get away.
"Get back, all of you!", the irate librarian shouted. "He's mine, all mine! You can't have him anyway, as you're not even old enough to get married. So HA!" She then grabbed her wand and waved it at all of the children, scaring them away, some even crying as they left. Flitwick was not so lucky, as she picked the attempted escapee up by the collar and plopped him back in front of the 'happy couple'.
"Now you may continue the ceremony, minister", she said, despite his protests that he wasn't even licensed to perform marriages and wasn't a minister of any kind. Then she put her arm around Snape and said, "Get on with it! I can't wait for the honeymoon in Maui!"
Frightened, the dark and creepy man was wondering how he was going to escape this time. He'd been lucky before, but now it seemed that his luck had run out. Whimpering, he looked around for any way to get himself untied when suddenly he felt his ropes loosening! Turning his head, he saw a female house elf silently untying his hands and feet. He recognized her as the one who did his laundry, but couldn't recall her name. But that didn't matter, he was saved! She whispered, "Don't worry, Master Snape, Pinky will saves you!"
Flitwick had noticed her, of course he would because he's right in front of Snape and he's about the same size as a house elf anyway. Winking, he distracted the looney librarian by saying, "Alright, we'll start with your vows. Look at me, raise your right hand,and repeat the following... I, Gameela Pince..." As she complied with his request and raised her hand that was previously around her 'groom to be', this gave the doomed man the opportunity to remove the ropes completely and draw his wand.
Raising his foot, he executed a perfect Bruce Lee-esque high kick and the wand flew out of Pince's left hand. He told her to freeze, wand pointed at her, before telling Pinky to go untie Lupin. She did as he asked and soon the men were free! Flitwick saw his chance and ran out of there like the dreaded pets of Hagrid had been set upon him, and the other men did as well. As they left, the wizards heard the woman cry, "But Poopsie-pie, what about Maui?"
The house elf had joined the pair of professors and said, "Pinky knows where Masters can hide and no ones will be finding them, sirs!" They thanked her and followed the tiny creature down some corridor they'd never been down before and then down an equally unfamiliar flight of stairs. But upon entering the door at the bottom, they realized that they'd never been there before because it led to the house elf dormitories.
Feeling safe, the men collapsed onto two tiny beds. Lupin looked to his friend and said with great relief, "Ah, I don't think anyone will look for us here, most people don't even know about this place. We should be safe." But he spoke too soon, as just then a horribly high-pitched giggle reached their ears.
Jumping up, they turned and saw, to their great relief, that it was only a group of house elfs, not scary schoolgirls. But something was not right about their behavior. They seemed odd, even as far as house elfs go. They kept looking over at the two men and pointing to Snape.The dynamic duo began to get very nervous, maybe they were plotting to hold him for ransom and gain something by turning him over to the Snape-hunters? Surely not, they wouldn't do that to him, right?
Little did they know that it was something far worse than that, they were planning something so vile, so horrible, so cruel, and so disgustingly dreadful that it was beyond a possibility for either of the wizards' minds to even think of it.
Thesmall school servants were conversing amongst themselves for quite some time, still glancing and giggling at Snape. It began to unnerve the men very much and Lupin suggested to his partner quietly that they should probably leave. However, as they stood and backed slowly towards the door, the house elfs saw them and ran over to block the exit.
"Don't go!", they cried, "We loves you, Master Snape, sir! We wants you to stay with us!" Then they began advancing towards the wizards, and the men turned to find another exit, only to see that their only way out was past the shrieking, love-obsessed creatures! Some of them were now grabbing on to Snape and clinging to his robes, proclaiming how much they loved him. "You must stay with us forever, we needs you! We can't let you go, never, never, never!", they proclaimed creepily, gazing up at him with their huge eyes and holding tightly to him.
Pinky was offering to wash his socks for him and began pulling at his shoes. Freaked out, the man shook his leg to free it from the vertically challenged female and looked back at Lupin for help.The former Gryffindor began pulling at the house elfs attatched to his friend, but they were sticking like glue. "Well, Severus," he proclaimed, "I believe this is another fine mess we've gotten ourselves into!"
Another Author's Note: Dun-dun-dun! Yup, a cliffhanger! What will become of our favorite Professors? Hope you enjoyed it! Don't worry, it shouldn't take me so long to update as last time. Please remember to review, they make me smile very much. And don't forget to come up with a convincing villain for the ending, it's not too far away and I still have yet to figure out who it is! Anywho, happy reading and may you never run out of chocolate or good fanfiction! Au Revoir, Sayonara, Adios, Alohaand Auf Weidersein! Til next time!
Lil