Why It Hurts (Working title, suggestions wanted!)
"Peace is too much to hope for," Genma said quietly, staring at the monument in the fading light. It wasn't his first time to lose a friend, and it damn well wouldn't be the last, he knew, but for whatever reason, it hurt more this time. He looked down at the purple hyacinth he had brought as an offering. It was slightly wilted from the grip he had on it, despite the water he had put it in. "I don't know why..." Genma let his words trail off to nothingness. There were things he wanted to say, but words that never came easy to him were fast fading now as he reached for them. He put the hyacinth down on the monument. His fingernails reflexively dug into his sweating palms. "I'm sorry..." he began again, but stopped. Suddenly he found he was sitting down. He hadn't meant to do that. He felt shaky. 'Why is this so hard?' he thought angrily. 'You know what I'm trying to say though...You were always good at knowing what I meant to say...' He remembered being told, remembered standing there on the roof, looking at the body of his friend. He'd seen other friends die. He'd always thought they looked different in death, they didn't look like themselves, and that made it easier. Hayate wasn't an exception. So why was it so painful this time?
Was it because of Sayoko? No, that wasn't it. He'd seen women cry before, that was nothing new, nor was taking news to next of kin. Maybe because she was usually so strong? No, that still wasn't it. He refused to believe that the tears of another would bring him so close to tears. Part of him wanted to scream that it wasn't fair, but the older part of him knew that life wasn't fair, that death didn't have to make sense and that dying in a horrible way was not unusual for a ninja.
The overcast, dark grey sky rumbled. A storm was fast approaching. 'To hell with it.' He grinned bitterly. 'I'm staying here, with you, until I understand why...or until it's light out again.' He leaned back against one of the three posts and closed his eyes.
"Exam time again?" he yawned, rubbing his eyes. "It always sneaks up on me."
"Coffee?" Hayate asked, pouring himself a cup.
"Sure."
"No milk, no sugar, no lemon," Hayate muttered wearily, pouring a second cup.
"It's healthier that way," Genma insisted.
Hayate shrugged and passed him the cup. "I like lemon and sugar," he said and coughed.
"In coffee?"Genma sighed. "If you stopped taking sugar, slept and took better care of yourself, you'd feel better sooner."
"Quit mothering, Sayoko does that more than enough," Hayate sniffed and gulped down his coffee. "Itai!"
Genma had to smile. "And don't gulp your drinks."
Hayate tried to glare at him but was interrupted by a fit of coughing.
"Seriously, get that cough seen to," Genma said.
"Fine," Hayate sighed. "After I'm finished all the damn paperwork for the exams. I could have delegated it, but no, I had to make sure of things myself, because-"
"I know, I know," Genma lifted his hands in mock-surrender.
"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!" they chorused.
It began to rain.
Genma hated hospitals. He'd only been twice before, once when he was very little and had a bad fever that wouldn't break. His mother and father had been alive then so it wasn't so bad. The second time was for a broken arm he'd aquired in Academy Taijutsu training. Ukiyo-sensei had been with him so, again, it could have been worse. But this time... he sighed. He couldn't feel his left arm at all, a mercy, he thought, remembering the agony of pain he'd been in the first time he'd had a broken arm. This time, he'd been lucky... sort of. He hadn't been conscious to feel his arm broken. He'd been unconscious from a hell of a fight, chakra exhaustion and internal injuries. The broken arm, oddly enough was aquired from a fall. He had been told the entire matter was 'complicated' and that was just fine with him, he thought, still somewhat fuzzily. The painkillers made him feel as though he had a giant ball of cotton between his ears, but he could think enough to feel miserable.
There was a knock at the door. Genma frowned. Was it Asuhara? She had some explaining to do about his arm.
Hayate put his head around the door. "Yo."
Genma blinked. He managed to raise his right hand awkwardly in acknowledgement. "Same to you," he muttered.
"How're you doing?" Hayate asked, pulling up the only chair in the room. He sat on it 'backwards' leaning his arms against the backrest and putting his chin on his arms.
"Alive," Genma said. "What are you doing here?"
"Talking to you. By the way, 'Alive' is not a good enough answer."
Genma sighed and decided to sit up. "Itai!" That was a bad idea.
Hayate fiddled with something and the bed rose slightly. "Better?"
"Yeah, thanks," Genma said. He closed his eyes and opened them slowly to clear his spinning vision.
"Oh. I forgot." Hayate rummaged through the pockets of his jacket. He made an 'I've found it' noise and produced a small package. "You like these, right?"
'These' were cookies. Not just any cookies however: these were in fact almond cookies, the very best Genma had discovered in Konoha, which was all that mattered, anyway. "Thanks," he managed. 'I must've been ranting about them at some point -- he has a good memory.'
Hayate put them on the little table by the bed. "Enjoy. So, dare I ask how the mission went?"
"You obviously dare," Genma countered. "Sorry, I don't know all the details. The last thing I remember was hiding up a tree... you should ask Asuhara."
Hayate started in surprise, then looked down. "Genma..." he began, carefully.
Genma felt a cold hand clutch at his heart. "No," he said, hating how his voice shook, but unable to stop it. "I... I don't believe you."
Hayate said nothing for a long moment. "Like you probably heard, it was 'complicated'. I guess you deserve to know how complicated." He looked down, studying the floor as he continued to speak, more quietly than before. "They had to send a retrieval team out for you two. She was alive when they got there, but...she was badly injured. She died on the return trip. I'm sorry."
Genma closed his eyes.
"Are you... are you all right?"
"No." There was more: 'Hayate, I'm not all right, and I don't know when I will be all right,' but those words wouldn't come. He couldn't seem to think. He felt more numb than before, but it wasn't a comfortable feeling any more. Suddenly he wanted to feel pain; he almost wanted to cause himself pain! The numbness was like a fog, and he hated fog, it was so pervasive and so hard to escape from. His head hurt, and he wondered idly how badly he was injured. For a moment he imagined he might die, might see Asuhara again...'But she'd be angry with me...'
"Yes she would," Hayate said quietly. "And I would be too."
Genma's eyes flew open. He hadn't realized he'd spoken.
Hayate looked grim. "Don't even start thinking like that," he said.
Genma had never seen Hayate's eyes look like this before...so angry. Or was it fear that made his eyes burn? Hayate was...scared? His headache was getting worse. He wasn't sure which it was, and he no longer cared. "All right," he said after a long moment. He felt more tired than he could ever remember, and his eyes were drifting shut without his consent.
The thick clouds hid the stars, and the rain was picking up slowly, but Genma was oblivious to it, lost somewhere between memories and sleep.
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