Fire at will...

Chapter 18: Feuer frei!

Once again, Dib found himself clawing back into consciousness, waking to find himself in a rather spartan infirmary. He sat up slowly, grimacing from the migraine as he looked over to see Casil standing over the bed like some menacing specter of DOOM.

"Good evening," the sergeant hummed in the spookiest voice Dib had ever heard. Then he glanced at his watch. "Eh, make that 'morning'."

"How long have I been out?"

"About five, six hours." Casil sat at the end of the bed. "You know, this reminds me of how we met…"

"Yeah," Dib growled groggily as he lay back down. "Only then you were the one in the hospital gown…" He closed his eyes, trying to will away the terrible pain bashing around his skull. "What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were taking Zim to Wright-Paterson."

"The transport team leaves at 05:00, so I've got three hours or so. That's plenty of time to get this over with. See, Dib, there's something really, really important I needed to talk to you about before we left."

"And what made you think I'd be awake? Last time, I was out for at least a month… I think."

"Actually, it was more like 90 days, which is approximately how long the guys in R&D estimated it would take for a subject to recover from a massive overdose. According to them, the normal duration is only something like four or five hours for somebody of your body weight."

Jerking forward, Dib grabbed Casil by the throat. "Duration?! OVERDOSE?! YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!"

Instead of being worried, the sergeant serenely pried Dib's claws off and sighed. "Just calm down, Dib. The gland's stress triggered and I don't want you blacking out on me before I'm finished with what I have to say."

"Gland?" Dib blinked in confusion then he fixed the other boy with a suspicious glare. "What gland?"

"The one Simmons implanted in you while you were in the coma," explained Casil. "When they searched St. Dimas after you and Zim…eh, had you little lover's spat, the investigative team found video footage of the whole incident. Apparently, Zim wanted to record every agonizing second of your suffering."

"But weren't the cameras—"

"Fried when you went berserk? Well, yes and no. Apparently, you only overloaded the main surveillance system. Seems Zim had a back-up. He must've wanted to make sure he had the whole thing preserved for posterity. If I were a moron, I'd almost be impressed by sheer depths of the hatred he has for you. Actually, I feel pretty sorry for the rotten little shit…" Casil laughed dryly then cleared his throat.
"Anyway, a team was sent in to gather evidence, but Simmons managed to get the footage first before I could…eh, the Institute had a chance to evaluate it, and after he saw what you were capable of, he got a group of the other scientist together and they implanted a 'wonder-gland' into you. Basically, the gland's designed to trigger anytime you display 'dangerously unstable' psychic activity or go over a set adrenal level and it release a drug—actually, it's a highly experimental neurotoxin—which pretty much shuts down all higher brain functions and puts the body in stasis."

"In other words, the gland secretes a poison which puts me in a vegetative state whenever I use telekinesis," Dib sneered. "And my darling father—"

"Didn't have a damn thing to do with it. Seriously, Dib, the professor maybe an absentminded, aloof, and emotionally distant asshole, but I don't think he would ever allow Simmons to do what he did. In fact, Membrane would probably be thrilled to find out you had those kinds of powers."

Dib's face twisted into a foul smile and there was a nasty little laugh. "Of course he'd be happy! It'd be something new for dear old dad to test and experiment with!"

Casil gave him the coldest look. "Dib, I know you won't believe me when I tell you this, but for all his neglect, his criticisms about your chosen profession, and extremely questionable ethics, your father honestly loves you." Casil paused, and then added. "Not in a creepy incestuous way, though… Look, I know it doesn't seem like it, but Professor Membrane genuinely cares about your well-being and he's proud of what you've done with your life."

"If he's feels that way," growled the paranormalist. "Then why hasn't he ever told me? Why not show little more affection?"

"Blame your overbearing dickhead of a grandfather for that. Seems he thought of 'affection' as being unscientific and therefore unnecessary for a scientist. That, and unlike Membrane, you were raised as a normal boy…"

"And what does my dad's upbringing got to do with me?" Dib muttered, slightly confused now. "And what do you mean 'normal'?! You sure as hell can't call my family normal!" He paused and mulled over what Todd said for a second. "Actually, I can see my grandfather using dad as a guinea pig. Hell!" he added sarcastically. "The old geezer probably had this whole fucking breeding program and lab set up just to produce the perfect SCIENTIST!"

"Yep. He did." Casil replied with a flat, earnest tone. There was a brief silence as Dib stared dumbly at him. Todd took a deep breath and plunged ahead. "Dib, how much do you know about your family?"

"Well, I know all of them were scientists…"

"Is that all? I mean, you don't know any details about, say, you great grandmother or any other women in you family tree?" There was a strange urgency in the sergeant's voice.

"Not really. I never really knew much about my relatives. In fact, I can't even remember meeting my paternal grandmother… Guess she died before I was born like Grandfather Mabuse. Then again, I don't even remember having any female relatives other than Gaz and mom."

"And you never noticed anything else strange about your family…" Casil muttered absently as if he was listening to some unseen interloper. Then he whispered suddenly, "See? He doesn't know…" He paused, attention focused on his unseen guest. "No, I am not going to tell him that. He's better off not knowing…"

"Tell me what? Is it about Gretchen?" Dib jerked forward, hope blazing in his eyes.

"No. Well, actually, yes. She is kind of part of all this, but…would you shut up?" Casil snapped, waving his hand as if to shoo off an invisible pest. "Gretchen will become…oh just forget about her for the moment, okay? There's something really, really important I've got to tell you."

Now Dib was glaring death at the boy. "Todd, if you got my little sister pregnant, I'll—"

"WHAT?! No! Look, it's really not important, okay?" barked Casil. "I mean, so what if your entire family are clones?!"

For the longest time, Dib could only sit there staring at the sergeant in shock. Then he mumbled, "Clones? My whole family is cloned?"

"Yeah," He nervously laughed. "Ten generations, all clones. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But that's not really all that important right now. See, for the past couple of years I've been having recurring premonitions about this planet full of crystal cities and these weird, glowy butterfly people. They've got this green skinned alien girl captured, but then these other green aliens show up to rescue her and invade the planet. So the butterflies—"

"I'm a clone of my father…," murmured the paranormalist, ignoring Casil as he stared straight ahead. Then he turned to Casil, eyes aflame with a frenzied determination. "What time is it?"

"Huh?"

"Time!" shouted Dib. "What time is it?!"

"It's…uh, 2:34…"

"Still got time…" Dib muttered as he staggered out of bed and began digging his clothes out of the footlocker.

"To do what?" barked Casil, squeaking with panic.

Yanking on his trench coat, Dib smiled sweetly. "Oh, I'm going over to the lab to have a little talk with my dad. Shouldn't take long." He went over to Casil and gave the stunned boy a friendly little hug. "Don't worry, Todd. I'll be back before you leave for Wright-Patterson with Zim."

Casil jerked away from him. "Dammit, Dib! What the hell are you up to?"

"Fixing a little problem," he hissed. "Simmons put the gland in you too, didn't he? And this," Dib waved the vial of pills he'd taken from Casil's pocket when they hugged. "This must be the antidote. You had it the whole fucking time, and you never told me. Why?"

"Because there isn't one! Now, if you'll just let me explain…" growled Todd, his eyes never leaving the vial. "And those aren't what you think they are! So give them back. Give the capsules back now!"

"Capsules?" Idly, Dib took a closer look at the vial in his hand and reading the label. "Number 20-strength Capsules, Formula 42. Well, that's interesting…"

"God damn it, Dib!" snapped the sergeant. He grabbed for the vial frantically. "Give them back. You don't understand—"

"These must be some kind of psionic enhancer. Knowing your little problem, I'm willing to bet that these increase the user's powers exponentially, perhaps even enough to overcome the effects of the gland…" He eyed the pills, glasses glinting evilly.

"I know what you're thinking, but don't do it. Just let him go, Dib." Todd was begging now, his expression like the terrified little boy he was when they first met. "Please Dib. I've seen what could…no, what will happen if you don't stop."

Dib smiled, apparently moved by his friend's concern. For a moment, it looked as if he would give in, but then he quickly gulped down a couple of capsules and, in a flash of electricity, hit Casil with enough voltage to knock the boy unconscious.

"Sorry, Todd…" he muttered as he laid his friend in the bed and hurried out of the infirmary.

--- ---

Deep within the confines of the newly restored Membrane Labs was a very, very special room. It was filled with the latest in medical science the world had to offer, from a state of the art access hatch which kept this special room hermetically sealed off from the outside world to protect from even the tiniest microbe, to the wide array of bio-scanners and even a fully-functional automated medic on stand-by…just in case. All this and more had been painstakingly assembled in this most special of rooms to ensure the fullest recovery of the World's Greatest Scientist, Professor Membrane.

The great Professor Membrane was currently pacing the chamber in an ultra-sterilized, hypoallergenic robe and fuzzy bunny slippers. He rubbed at the annoying growth of stubble on his chin, anxious to get back to SAVING THE WORLD through the advancement of SCIENCE. Which he felt perfectly capable of doing, despite those idiots who kept telling him to just 'relax' while they worked on his respirator.

"FOOLS!" he roared aloud. "I could've designed, tested, and built a hundred man-portable respirator/filtration units in the time it's taking these MORONS to repair just one! What in the name of Einstein are they doing up there, anyway? No doubt they goofing off, neglecting their duties while the whole WORLD inches ever closer to DISASTER! Don't they realize that there's no room for slacking in SCIENCE?! WE MUST BE DELIGENT AND EVER VIGILANT, LEST THE VERY UNIVERSE FALLS INTO CHAOS!"

"Wow," barked a voice over the vidcom. "I guess that talking to myself was inherited…"

Membrane whirled around, overjoyed to see Dib's face on the screen. "SON! You don't know how happy I am to see you well again! And maybe sane, too?"

"Depends on who you ask…" Dib muttered, still getting used to seeing his father's face and just how creepy the resemblance was between them. He fidgeted then pushed something through the hatch. "I fixed your respirator….and I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what, son?" Membrane asked, adjusting the respirator before practically skipping out of the chamber.

Dib glared at him. "Oh gee, where do I start? I destroyed most of your lab and tried to kill you!"

"Is that all?" chuckled indulgently the professor as he patted Dib's shoulder. "You didn't have to apologize for that, son. Patricidal urges are pretty normal in our family."

"Yeah, speaking of family… When were you going to tell me I'm not really your son but a fucking clone?!"

"Now son, there's no need for that kind of language." The professor muttered, "And, if you want to get technical about it, both you and your sister are not clones but unique, ultra-advanced biodroids."

Dib blinked in surprise. "So Gaz is from the lab too?"

"Of course! Wasn't it obvious? The clues were right there in your names! See, your mom and I used the serial numbers of your prototypes to name you kids. You were named DIB because you were number 492 and your sister's name came from the number 716, hence GA-ZETA, or just 'GAZ' for short."

"So I don't even have a name? Just a number?" Dib whispered. "My god, am I even human? Or am I just another in a series of artificial life-forms?"

"Of course you're human! After a fashion…" barked Membrane then he rather awkwardly added, "See son, you kids are chimeras, actually, of mine and your mother's DNA since she was…eh, not entirely human… You've got enough of my DNA to be technically considered a part of the species Homo sapiens."

"But that's not the same as being human," hissed the paranormalist. There was an uncomfortable silence. Then Dib spoke, his voice bitter and oddly broken. "All these years, I thought that I was a human. That I was sane and normal, just like everyone else. It was just that everyone else was too blinded by their own pettiness to understand the TRUTH. But I never was normal to begin with, was I? How much of my childhood can I sure of was real? I mean, who's to say you didn't just implant all my childhood memories before I was decanted? " He began giggling and crying at the same time. "Hell, I can't even be sure of how I was born!"

"We used an artificial womb. It was more ethical than employing a surrogate."

"Ethical? What the fuck do you know about ethics, you bastard?!" Dib screamed. The lights flickered ominously. "If you had any shred of moral decency in you, you would have told Gaz and me all of this years ago! Why did you lie to us? Why did you lie to me?"

"I never lied to you, son," came the reply. "I…thought it was best that you grow up like a regular child instead of spending your life confined to a lab. That's the kind of isolation can make a person go a little crazy. I just wanted you to have a normal life."

Dib began the laugh softly. "Do you have any idea the shit I've had to put up with? All my life, all my normal classmates and peers told me that I was crazy. They thought that I was weird for being so smart and perceptive… That I was a lunatic for believing in aliens and Bigfoot and the paranormal. And you, always referring to me as your 'insane son', always pushing me to take up real SCIENCE… How dare you fucking stand there and tell me I had to suffer through this living HELL because you wanted me to be normal!"

"At least I gave you a choice son, unlike your grandfather…" Membrane snapped back angrily while he pulled on a fresh lab coat. "Ever since I was a zygote, I was groomed to be a SCIENTIST. I didn't have coloring books or building blocks like the other kids. Oh NO! Instead of toys like a normal boy, all I got were Bunsen burners and test tubes, electron microscopes and atom smashers! Or socks…" The professor hissed the last part nastily, yanking on his boot. "Your grandfather wouldn't let me read comics books, just treatises on nuclear physics and theoretical mathematics. While other boys were playing catch with their fathers, I was in the lab building a cold fusion reactor! The only home I ever knew was the laboratory! I never even had real friends, just colleagues and fellow researchers. The only reason I even met your mother was because she had been brought in from some laboratory in Massachusetts for future research into the abilities of unspeakably ancient extradimensional beings. And let's not forget that all the toxic fumes and other noxious shit I've been exposed to have fucked up my respiratory system to the point that I can't even breathe without this goddamn respirator!"

Shocked that his father actually cursed, Dib only gaped at him. Then, a sudden disturbing thought shocked him back to his senses. Hesitantly, Dib spoke up. "Dad, can I ask you something?"

"What, son?" asked the professor after he regained his composure.

"How did Grandfather Mabuse die? I mean, was it really a lab accident?"

The professor stood there blank faced and grim. "Son, I want you to understand…"

"You killed him, didn't you?" gasped Dib in shock before bursting into mad laughter again. "You murdered your own father?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Professor Membrane told his son, his heir, and his clone the whole shocking truth.

Unfortunately, his answer was drowned out by the sudden wailing of sirens.

"What the HELL is going on?!" Dib shouted above the noise.

"Oh, nothing son," replied the professor, barely raising his voice as they walked quickly to the main lab. He was completely oblivious to the panicked scientists and interns rushing past them. "It's only the Sub-Orbital Defense Array."

Dib said nothing and instead stared in alarm at the monitors. On every screen were scenes of chaos and carnage as the imperious forces of the Irken military launched a surprise attack on the Earth.

"You see, son," continued Membrane absolutely ignorant to the situation as he turned down the sirens. "I designed the SODA when I was about your age and going through the whole 'teen angst' phase. Back then I was always working on new weapon systems or bio-warfare projects… Oh what a wonderful times those were, let me tell you! But I digress… The SODA was supposed to be a tracking system capable of detecting anything larger than a piece of toast and capable of physics-defying aerial maneuvers traveling within Earth's atmosphere. I meant to use it to track the movements of Santa's accursed sleigh as it sped about the world, making a mockery of SCIENCE! But there's a major glitch in the system that causes it to go off at random, especially on Tuesdays."

Ripping his attention away from the broadcasts of the invasion, Dib gave his father the coldest of looks. "You're telling me you had a system capable of proving the existence of UFOs this whole time?"

"Well, I suppose so," muttered Membrane after a moment's thought. "If such things existed, then I guess SODA would be able to track them…"

"Okay. Let's just say that there are extraterrestrial beings capable of faster-than-light space travel out there in the universe. Now, let's say that these aliens were visiting Earth for various reasons, like research or to scout out the planet for an invasion force. Now, do you think that maybe, just maybe all those glitches in your system could actually be these alien ships cruising around Earth?"

"Young man, I'm surprised at you!" scolded the professor. "I thought you'd given up all this alien nonsense years ago."

"Dad, haven't you been watching the news lately?" Dib growled, doing his best to control his rising temper. The images on the screens around them distorted from an electrical disturbance.

"Why, no son, I haven't. I've been locked away in some dingy little cell—in my own lab, no less!—and, thanks to my assistants' assertion that I 'needed rest', I spent the last couple of months completely and utterly cut-off from the outside world!"

"Then look at the monitors…" hissed Dib, pointing to the main screen behind the professor. On it was a scene straight out of the latest science fiction blockbuster complete with sleek red-purple UFOs tangling with Air Force jet-fighters in the skies above the city while squads of soldiers battled the hordes of short, green and vaguely bug-like aliens in the streets.

Membrane looked thoughtfully at the screen. "Hmmm…those little green men look just like that little foreign boy you used to hang around with."

Glaring now, Dib shouted, "Of course they look like Zim! His entire species reproduces by cloning! ZIM IS A FUCKING ALIEN!!!!!"

"But son," countered the professor politely. "You said yourself that aliens do not exist. And also that the little green foreign boy just had a freakish skin condition."

"I LIED, OKAY?!" Dib burst out angrily. "I'VE BEEN LYING TO YOU AND THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD FOR YEARS!"

"I see..." Leaning in closer to the monitors, Membrane watched the battle with mild interest. "So all the green guys in uniforms are aliens?"

"Yes!" Dib barked.

"And they're all part of an Evil Galactic Empire bent on enslaving the Earth?"

"YES!"

"Interesting… And you say that Zim, the little green foreign boy you were always chasing around, is actually one of their advanced scouts?"

"YE—…" Dib paused suddenly. "Well, actually Zim was sent here on a fake mission to keep him busy while the rest of the Empire conquered the Universe. He sort of ruined their first attempt at galactic conquest and destroyed most of his own home planet…He was essentially banished to Earth from him homeworld."

"Why Earth?"

"Because this wretched little planet just isn't worth conquering…"

"I see," replied the professor. "So if Zim isn't really part of the invasion force, then why are they here? If the Earth isn't of strategic importance to them, then why send all the soldiers? Seems pretty odd, doesn't it son, to waste all these resources on some backwater hick-world."

"Look, I don't know why the Irkens are here now. Maybe Zim told them there were massive stockpiles of Pixie Stixs and nachos…"

"Nachos? Candy?" mumbled Membrane, arching his eyebrow. "Why by Newton's apple would a highly advanced race of aliens waste there time raiding planets for snack food? It just doesn't make sense!"

"Don't bother trying to make any sense of why the Irkens do anything," Dib growled. "Their entire species is just a bunch of shallow, arrogant, egotistical, hedonistic bastards who are only looking out for themselves and fuck everything else. Even their so-called rulers are just figureheads for a puppet government driven by corporate interests to keep their citizens dependent upon a superficial, media-hyped consumerism. All they care about is making a quick buck and quite literally sticking it to the little guy."

"I see."

"God dammit! Would you stop saying that?" Dib snapped.

Membrane just shrugged and pulled as set of keys out of his pocket. He tossed them to his son. "Those should get you into the armory. Feel free to take whatever you want and have fun saving the world, son." With that, Professor Membrane turned and began to walk away.

"That's it?!" snarled Dib, rushing over to his father's side. "No dramatic speeches on bravery and how this is Earth's darkest hour? No offers of sage advice? Not even an apology for treating me like some deranged lunatic all these years for believing in aliens when it turns out I've been right all along?"

"Would it make any difference to you, son?" asked Membrane, his tone strange and sad. When Dib only stared at him blankly, the professor shook his head and walked away, vanishing into a teleporter booth.

--- ---

~Meanwhile, back at M.I.N.D.P.H.U.C.K headquarters…

Slowly….painfully slowly... the Squee human came back to consciousness, jerking back when he saw the blank black visor of a helmet staring at him.

"=D" flashed across the helmet's visor of the strange, skeletal robot waving cheerfully at him.

"H-I-!-S-Q-U-E-E-!" scrolled across the visor.

"Hello indeed, dirt-monkey…." hissed Zim, pulling Dib's old trench-coat on over his new uniform as he stepped out of the shadows to gloat over the boy now imprisoned in the containment tube. He laughed nastily at the Squee human's howls of rage and futile attempts to strike him. "How does it feel to be helpless? To be completely at the enemy's mercy?!"

"Depends…" hissed Todd, suddenly going very, very calm. "Did you activate all the restraints?"

"Yes," answered a slender, helmed figure standing at Zim's side. "I turned all psionic dampeners up to the maximum setting and took the liberty of setting up a nullifier field around your containment tube just in case the dampeners fail…"

"Oooo… Aren't you the smart one?" The sneer came with a rather nasty look at the screen faced robot. "Is this your handiwork too? How kind of you…"

She hissed angrily at Todd. "Well, it was a lot kinder than what you did to him!"

"Enough of this banter!" Zim snapped with an imperious flip of his coat tails as he spun around and headed up the stairs. "Come, Gretchen! We have a planet to conquer!"

"But Zim!" She gasped, catching him right at elevator. "Aren't you going to do anything?"

"About what? Him?" He barely glanced back at Todd floating and smiling coldly in the tube before letting out a smug laugh. "HOHO! He's not worthy of Zim's attention! I have much more important matters to deal with! Besides, I'm sure the cyborg drone can handle this measly little waste of monkey meat if it tries to escape."

"But… oh bother!" Sighing, she followed Zim into the elevator and rode with him to upper levels. A few of Space Marines saluted as they stepped out into the hall while the rest seemed to be too caught up in looting, snacking, and generally wrecking havoc to notice their Commander.

"Isn't it glorious, Gretchen dear?" purred Zim as he strolled leisurely past a group of Irken soldiers electro-shocking a captive human into submission. "Soon—oh so very soon—we shall have this whole dirtball under our control and then it is on to STAGE TWO of my MASTER PLAN! OVERTHROWING THE TALLEST!"

"Uh, Zim… Shouldn't you keep your voice down?" Gretchen glanced around nervously at the hordes of troops milling about them. "I mean, this isn't the kind of thing you should be saying in public…"

"Nonsense! My troops are utterly loyal to me and me ALONE! Watch." He turned to a nearby Irken. "SOLDIER! Tell me, what do you think about our Almighty Tallests?"

"FUCK 'EM!" growled the Marine, dropping the quivering mass of flesh he'd been beating. "AND FUCK YOU TOO, YOU PRIMATE FUCKING PERVERT! I'M JUST HERE TO KILL AND BLOW SHIT UP!"

Zim grinned happily. "There you go! Complete and total loyalty!"

Again, Gretchen just sighed and followed in Zim's wake, doing her best to avoid bodies and rubble. She finally managed to catch up to him just as he was climbing into a hovercraft. "Zim, I really don't think it's a good idea to just leave that boy here. We should kill him or lobotomize him or something… I mean, if he escapes, things could turn really ugly…"

"Silly Gretchen!" the Irken chuckled as he stepped up to the observation platform. "Always worrying about the what-ifs! I told you, the Casil monster is nothing to worry about!"

"Then what about Gaz?" she harped, taking her place at his side. "She's still as yet unaccounted for! Do you realize what a problem she could be if she decides to get involved?"

"HA! THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN!" Zim cried proudly over the roaring wind as they speed back toward the city. "THE GAZ MONSTER COULDN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO SAVE THIS MISERABLE DIRTBALL! BESIDES, WHAT REASON DOES SHE HAVE TO CARE?"

With a sigh, Gretchen gave up arguing with him and started figuring out some contingency plans. Unbeknownst to either her or the ever arrogant Zim, far atop a nearby ridge a tiny little robot was sitting and dutifully watching their departure.

"THEY GONE, SCARY LADY!" G.I.R. announced gleefully as he bounced over to her.

"Good." Shouldering a duffel bag, Gaz readjusted the battlesuit she'd 'borrowed' from her father's lab and double checked the plasma rifle. She walked up to the top of the ridge and looked down at the miserably disorganized 'guards' Zim had left behind at the base. "This shouldn't take too long. G.I.R., I want you to wait right here while I go get Todd, okay?"

"But Master, what about the b—"

"No 'buts', G.I.R. I told you, I'm feeling just fine. Besides, this shouldn't take long at all…" On that, she dashed away, disappearing in the valley below.

The tiny robot stared after her, his face oddly downcast. "I have a bad feeling about this, Master. Please come back…"

~~~ To be continued… ~~~

[A/N: I am a horrible person for making you all wait.]