Disclaimer: I do not own "Naruto"; it belongs to its rightful owners and creators. Also, I will not be held responsible for anyone that might be upset with the explicitness of language, or groping in this story. Any e-mails/reviews I receive from anyone offended by anything (unless it's reasonable) will by responded with a big finger and a very upset author.

Legend:

"Blah," – Talking

"Blah," – Thinking/mental conversation.

"Blah," – Kyuubi talking

"Blah," – Kyuubi thinking

Xxx – Time/scene change

WARNING: Excessive language. You have been warned.

Muahahaha! Look who the fuck is back! You all thought I was dead, didn't ya? Thought I'd left it? Pfft. Proved you wrong, that's what I did.

It's story time:

"Naruto…" said a voice dripping with venom.

Naruto turned slowly, trying to get as much ramen with him as possible, not did he know what fate had in store for him, but twenty years later, it would be still used to scare small children to behave properly.

"Why if it isn't the Old Pervert, the Super Pervert and Mr. I've-got-a-cactus-up-my-backside-and-I-quite-enjoy-it. What brings you to this side of town?" Naruto asked as casual as he could, while trying to ignore the barfing Jiraiya and the highly uncomfortable Hiashi that accompanied Sarutobi.

"As if you don't know, you devious punk! I have self-irony beyond what should be humanly possible, but this is taking it WAY too far! I would have thought that sticking you with Kakashi had taught you never to mess with the book!"

"What on earth are you talking about?" Naruto feigned.

"Don't play stupid! I know it was you!" the third accused.

"I don't see what I've done wrong," the blonde answered.

"Jiraiya, you go first,"

"Ok, but I still haven't got that horrid image out of my head. It's makin' me sicker by the minute…" Jiraiya whimpered

"Just GO THE FUCK AHEAD!" Sarutobi roared at his former student.

Before Jiraiya got the chance to talk, Naruto had already launched into a mental conversation with his girlfriend.

"Where are you?"

"Up and about," Hinata replied "Why?"

"Well our 'clients' seem to have some problems with our 'services'. It appears they want a refund."

"Well, then let's give them one, but don't do or say anything until I get there!" Hinata ordered.

"Ok. See you soon," Naruto shut down the mental link just as Jiraiya managed to get a free minute to talk without barfing.

But alas, it turned out that Jiraiya would not be able to say anything at all, until Hinata got there. (And not like that, you sick bastards! Shame on you for even thinking it!!)

When Hinata finally did show up, the trio had a somewhat of shocked expression plastered on their faces, although Jiraiya soon returned to being sick all over the place.

"What in the name of all that is holy, are you doing here, daughter? Hiashi looked so perplexed, that apparently he'd forgot all about Gai clinging to his arm, as if his life depended on it.

"I am here because my boyfriend, that being Naruto by the way, wanted me to. And he said that for some reason that beats me, you weren't pleased with our performance. We wish you to kindly explain what we did wrong, so we can improve for the next time you require our services to spike up your otherwise boring and one-tracked lives," Hinata explained.

"Your performance!? As in you were in on it!?" Sarutobi and Hiashi yelled. Jiraiya was still emptying himself on the ground. Naruto started to wonder how much the old pervert was able to contain. Having been at it for so long, he should be empty rather soon.

"Why of course. As good as Naruto may be, even he can't take on 3 clients by himself," the girl continued.

"Will you stop referring to us as your clients!? You're making it sound like we asked for this atrocity!" Sarutobi was visually red as a ripe tomato. Not from blushing, but from pure and utter rage.

"Oh but you did! As already explained, by leading such boring and one-tracked lives, you singled yourselves out," Naruto stated.

"No matter, what you did was way out of line!" The third raged on.

"Our views differ once more. We did what we saw necessary," By this time, Jiraiya had regained his posture, and seemed ready to join 'conversation'.

"I, The mighty and stunning Jiraiya, should not have to witness such things. There I was minding my own business,"

"In other words, you were peeping on innocent girls," Naruto interrupted.

"Be that as it may, it's still my business. I do after all have a book to publish. As such, I would prefer they stay girls, and NOT turn into men before my very eyes, thank you very much. I may be legendary, but I'm not built to handle such shocks. I puked up stuff I ate last year for crying out loud! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have to get something to eat, if I'm not to die from lack of nutrition and get the Yamanaka's to erase this memory from my brain," Jiraiya turned to leave.

"At least now you won't spend as much time peeping! We saved you from that one-tracked life you had, and you should thank us!" Naruto bellowed after the frog hermit.

"We're not finished! As if doing such a thing to a Konoha hero wasn't bad enough, and I can only just endure the pain of the memory of what you did to my precious! I couldn't put the fire out! I tried every water jutsu in the Konoha repertoire, and still the flames just wouldn't die… my poor book…" The old man was now crying.

"Geez… it was only a simple genjutsu… don't get you panties in a bunch," Hinata shrugged… maybe they'd gone to far? Nah!

"Simple!? Ruddy hell! The last thing it was; was simple! I tried EVERYTHING! And when that wretched jutsu of yours ended, I was left with the wet remains of my beloved book… now I'll have to get a new one, and the shop said they won't get another shipment in two freaking months! What am I to do!?"

"Had we not done it, you'd be stuck in the office reading the same book day in and day out every chance you got. We helped you get the chance to experience the Konoha of today by doing this. Now you can use your breaks to walk the city, and get something more out of your off time than perversion. You too should thank us," Hinata said

"Thank you? I'll fucking kill you for robbing me of my book!"

"Excuse us, but we never told you to soak the book, that was all your idea," Naruto chimed in.

"Oh, Sandaime-sama, you can't kill them until they explain why the HELL Gai, asked me to marry him, and when I said no, he apparently thought I said yes, then grabbed a hold of my arm, and started rambling about what kind of wedding we should have and then when I tried to hit him, he started yelling about how I 'like it rough'," Hiashi glared at the kids with so much hatred, both children felt it in their very souls. Even when having been practically raised by the greatest of the demon lords, Naruto still felt it hard. But neither child, let it show that they were even in the slightest fazed.

"After they give a lengthy explanation, they'll tell me how to undo what the hell they did to make this annoying 'Mary' think he's in love with me." Hiashi's glare never let up.

"Oh come on! Can you honestly say it's that bad to have a man be in love with you?" Hinata asked.

"Yes I can, and I will," Hiashi replied.

"Are you really that insecure in your own sexuality? Or are you just trying to save face by being the prejudice clan leader of doom?" Naruto shook his head.

"…"

"We thought we should help you get some colour into a otherwise boring and rather grey day. Just be glad we don't charge a fee from you lot. If that's all, Naruto and I have some cuddling to do, so we'll be leaving now. By the way, Hiashi, we can't undo what we did. Just pray to whatever gods you believe in that Gai haven't dragged you to an altar during the next 48 hours. Bye, suckers!" Hinata flipped them the bird, and the mischievous duo faded away.

"FUCK! They got away! Why didn't you stop them, you complete and utter bastard!?" Sarutobi was turning his anger onto the now horror stricken Hiashi.

"48 h-hours!? Holy white fuck! Just how the hell am I gonna survive that? Why me!?" the Hyuuga leader cried, ignoring the hokage, as he turned and left towards the Hyuuga mansion.

"I'll get you back, if it's the last thing I ever do!" The third yelled into the sky.

Xxx

The mischievous couple re-appeared in their cave and promptly burst into fits of howling laughter and giggles respectively. When said fits ended they acted upon their previous statement, and cuddled. They stayed like that until the next morning.

Xxx

Far away from the cuddling couple, 9 shady characters were sitting on pointy rocks; trying to see who could get it the furthest up his ass without showing signs of pain. The first to show any emotion at all would be the loser and also a homo. He would be marked and mocked as such until the next stick-something-up-your-ass contest announced another one as the homo. These nine buggers were known as the Akatsuki.

"Ouch!… oh fuck!"

"Haha, Deidara's the homo!"

"Shut the fuck up, Kisame, or the next time you take a dump will redefine the word explosive."

"Right, well onto the next matter of things, our scouts report that the beast of Konoha is growing in power fast, too fast. We will have to get at it before scheduled, if not just to contain it until the time is right. That will be the current priority, do not kill, maiming is OK as long as he lives. If loss of vital fluids becomes too serious, you will feed him a blood-replenishing pill. This is vital to the cause. We will attack in groups of three, in case one group gets defeated, another will move in. Yes I realise what I just said, but the beast was not the demon king without reason. At full power we wouldn't last a second even if we attacked all at once, AND we were allied with the other beasts. The fourth hokage got lucky. That's all. Dismissed,"

Xxx

Yet further from the cuddling couple.

"The chuunin exam is coming up, Orochimaru-sama, and the leaf is hosting."

"Excellent. I will use this opportunity to acquire the Sharingan once and for all. And take care of that Kyuubi-brat who stopped me the last time. He'll learn not to mess with his superiors."

"It shall be done, my lord."

"That will be all, Kabuto, leave my presence at once."

"Of course, Orochimaru-sama."

Xxx

Even further away from the cuddling couple:

"Kazekage-sama, the Raikage is here to see you."

"Excellent, let him in."

"Hello again, my colleague of the sand,"

The Kazekage only gave a slight nod.

"The plan is progressing according to schedule. This chuunin exam will be their last."

"The leaf will crumble for its transgressions against our two nations. With our two containers, we will surely crush them to dust. I can't wait for the moment the Hokage kisses the hem of our robes in defeat!"

Both leaders let out a roaring laughter.

Xxx

And back with the cuddling couple:

(Snore) Naruto was snoring.

"Hey, brat! You're snoring! Stop it, right now, or I'll hurt you!" Kyuubi was not fond of that.

(Snore) Naruto didn't care.

"Ok, you asked for it." Kyuubi hurt Naruto. (A/N: No, I won't elaborate.)

"What the FUCK was that for?"

"You were snoring."

"Was not."

"Were too."

"Was not."

"Yes you were, now shut up, wake up and let me sleep."

"…Was not." With that said, Naruto was forced awake. Someone was gonna pay.

Xxx

"Hokage-sama, we found this one lurking about, obviously up to no good. He's yours to decide what to do with." A masked shinobi said, dropping Naruto face-first on top of Sarutobi's desk.

"Ahh… good. Now please excuse me. I've just the right thing for this little troublemaker."

The sound of Naruto screaming was hear throughout the village and would not stop until late at night. Jiraiya and Hiashi smiled at justice being served.

Xxx

Time passed, and before short, the time for the chuunin exam fell upon Konoha. The leaf would be this year's host.

Team 7 had just been told by Kakashi that they had been nominated.

"Hey kid, it would be a wise thing for you to upgrade your wardrobe and equipment before this exam." The Kyuubi said.

"Way ahead of you sensei." Naruto replied, and spent the day out shopping. Hinata was of course right by his side, every second.

Xxx

The next morning, Team Seven were together and determined to take the chuunin exam.

They got into the room where the first test where to be held without incident, if you didn't count the two bullies who under the excuse of weeding out the weak, refused the genin entrance. They were acting without the Hokage's permission, and when Naruto reminded them of this, they quietly got up and walked away, with their tails between their legs.

In the room were all of the year's rookie genin. There was Inuzuka Kiba, Momochi Haku and Aburame Shino, who made up team 8, and Akimichi Chouji, Nara Shikamaru and Yamanaka Ino who made up team 10.

"Hey! Nice to see you here Naruto!" Kiba shouted, getting the attention of everyone in the room. Kiba's dog companion, Akamaru was currently seated on his head. Back at the academy, Kiba along with Sasuke, Shikamaru, Shino and Chouji were just about the only people Naruto associated himself with.

"Yeah, good to be here, I'm getting bored with the genin rank. Hey Chouji, Shikamaru, Shino." Naruto addressed each one with a slight nod. He noticed Chouji eyeing Akamaru with abnormal interest.

"Akamaru sure looks tasty," thought Chouji, eying the small dog. He stared hard at the dog. He couldn't take it anymore.

"Come here, you wee scabby dog! I'm bigger than you; I'm higher in the food chain! Get. In. My. Belly!" Chouji burst out with, punctuating each word of the last sentence with a slap on his stomach. Drool was making its way down his chin.

"Hey Kiba, how much for the dog?" Kiba was currently hiding himself behind Naruto. Normally he would have been busy trying to beat up anybody for even trying to say anything like that, but this was Chouji, a hungry Chouji. One of the very few things Kiba feared. It hadn't always been like that, but after the Tub 'O Lard had invented what Kiba referred to as the 'Nose-rape no jutsu' or in layman terms, the fart from hell, Kiba and his sensitive nose had begun to fear Chouji.

Xxx

"Excuse me, but you really shouldn't be so loud. This is your first time isn't it? Tell you what, since I'm such a nice guy and all I'll show you something neat. No I won't get undressed, but I'll show you these info cards I have on the participants." A grey haired four-eyed smug bastard said.

"Excuse me, but you shouldn't smell so much like a snake. It can't possibly be healthy." Naruto said and beheaded the four eyes.

"See what I mean?" He picked the cards from the dead body and stashed them in his pouch.

That's when Ibiki, the first exam's proctor, decided to make his presence known. And since he couldn't raise the dead, he left the genin, Kabuto, as he was.

Let the exam commence!

A/N: Ok ok, I know I used like… two years or something on this, but I had my reasons, some being stupid plots that just won't leave me the fuck alone, others include writers block, laziness and a good load of shit from school. I know I said it was gonna be longer than this, but meh… I got stuck, so here it is.

On a further notice, I do not know when my next chapter will be up. Sorry. Until next time, this is Jiraiya saying: Enjoy, Toodeloo and please REVIEW!