AN: Here's what happens at 2:30 in the morning after an novice writer just now realizes what a 'muse' is referring to . . . just now. After nearly four years of writing . . . -- Oh well. I now have named mine.
His name is Charles. Everyone. Meet Charles. Charles. Wave at the nice people.
This isn't as funny as Instant Message, but it starts alright . . . and I apologize for the craptacular formatting. I was seriously tired when I started and seriously tired when I finished. Please don't flame. And I know it's disturbingly like Literary SubGenius but I wrote this at least two weeks before they started posting theirs . . .
Muses
He hungrily brushed his lips against hers, grasping her shoulders and holding her close. Victoria gasped in shock and pushed at him crying out, "No we mustn't!"
"No. That sucks."
He hungrily brushed his lips against hers, grasping her shoulders and holding her close. Victoria gasped in shock and pushed at him crying out, "Take me!"
"Still sucks."
He hungrily brushed his lips against hers with passion, grasping her shoulders and holding her close in an attempt at affection. Victoria gasped in shock and hit her clenched firsts against his chest crying, "Fuck me now you delicious bastard
Eiri didn't bother honoring Victoria's declaration with punctuation marks. It sucked. It all sucked. Majorly. Shuichi himself couldn't suck much harder than this. Worse. He meant worse. Not harder. Really. Wait. . . ug.
He glanced at the clock next to his laptop wearily, groaning at realizing it was almost 3:00 in the morning. Apparently his muses had gone to bed. Maybe he should too.
No. Deadline. Dead line. D.E.A.D. L.I.N.E. Dead. Line. The line's dead. So it's a dead line.
Eiri giggled to himself.
'Dammit Eiri, just go to bed, you're obviously not getting anything done now'
'But he needs to satisfy hormonal teenagers and lonely housewives across Japan'
"Finish, or Kanna will murder me . . ."
'Hey! Maybe you could make it so he kills her in the middle of sex!'
'That's not nice. Who would do that anyway? He's not gonna screw a dead body'
'He could be one of those sick pervs that get off on killing people'
'But the first heroin has already died. Eiri had to shift the point of view . . .'
'Heroin's a funny word . . .'
"You're such an idiot . . ."
'You're the one who can't think of anything'
"It's after 3:00 AM."
Fa la la la la . . .
'Who's that?'
The sleep fairies off to whisk you away . . .
'Hey, she could suddenly turn into to some magical creature when he's grabbing her and she can kill him!'
Eiri raised an eyebrow, pressing the Backspace button.
He hungrily brushed his lips against hers, grasping her shoulders and holding her close. Victoria's eyes narrowed dangerously as she snarled, "Release me vile fiend!" But his passion glazed eyes held no sanity. His grip tightened as he retorted, "
"To many 'as's. Dammit." 'That's a sappy line. Let's go vomit.' "The women eat this up. That's why I'm rich." Eiri mumbled, resuming his typing. "Then stop your insane actions! You know I must remain chaste for for . . ." "For whom?" He inquired. Victoria lowered her eyes, a guilty blush staining her virgin cheeks before she raised not so innocent eyes to meet his. 'You just made this longer Eiri no baka. And you used 'eyes' twice in the same sentence.' "Goddammit."
'Fix it later. What does he say?'
But his passion glazed eyes held no sanity. His grip tightened as he whined, "BUT VICTORIAAA
'Dammit Eiri. Seriously.'
His grip tightened as he retorted, "If you don't desire this, if you can reject me with you body tell me and I'll stop."
"Then stop your insane actions! You know I must remain chaste for for forkfdakjfdaflkjdakjf
'FOR WHAT?!?!?! WHERE THE HELL IS THIS GOING!?!?!'
'Absolutely nowhere. That's where. We're heading there right now in fact. But Eiri-san might get lost along the way. Obviously we're on our way to the mystical land of Lost also. It's very close to Nowhere but not quite.'
Eiri growled, "You're not thinking of anything."
'Are you turning this into some fantasy novel or not?'
la la la la la Fairies are here by you ear my dear never fear the dreary year all's so clear now so let us cheer --
'SHUT UP!!'
"Ok." The novelist muttered around the cigarette he didn't know was in his mouth, "Finish this sentence then go to bed." He poised his fingers above the keyboard, staring at his hands as though they suddenly had Victoria's dialog on their backs.
'Hey, bed's sounding really good right now . . .'
'FOCUS!!'
. . . before she raised not so innocent eyes to meet his. So she flung her arms around him and yelled, "SCREW THE INNOCENT ACT! DO ME STANDING UP!!" And they had red hot sex on the ground. She got preggo three months later and sued the horny bastard for child support which he refused to give until the feds or whoever takes care of that cuffed him and he got butt raped
in prison. The End.
Eiri snickered to himself, wondering what Kanna would say if he turned that in. Another glance at the clock said it was almost 4:00 AM now. He shrugged and closed his laptop, suddenly remembering the editor was coming tomorrow. Might as well have a little fun with her . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . The Next Day
"I'm glad to see you're actually getting work done even with Shindou-san around."
"Yeah, it's no easy task let me tell you."
"I'm sure. Well, what do you have so far . . .?"
"I killed off Kaki with that guy and Victoria is having some trouble refusing his advances . . . what?"
"What the hell is this?"
"Hn? Oh, that?"
"Yes this."
"It was late last night."
"And?"
"The sleep fairies whisked me away before I could I could hit my ear to dispense of their annoying songs."
"Yuki-san?"
"I couldn't think of anything."
(Then Mizuki-san pulls a giant bazooka out of no where and blasts it at Eiri, randomly declaring she has the hots for him and Shuichi shows up in the middle of a bondage scene, runs out crying and has an affair with Ryuichi which kinda pisses Tohma off doubly because not only is our Shu-chan
screwing Ryuichi he's made Eiri really really sad and depressed and Eiri goes to Tohma for comfort but that's not the part that's pissing Tohma off obviously so he makes a conspiracy with Mizuki-san to kill Shuichi but Mika finds out and tells K just to urk Tohma because is turns out he cheated on
her with Reiji-sama . . .)
"Highlight were you want to leave off."
(Just kidding.)
(But she does scold him for being lazy . . .)