Mary-Sue the Magnificent
Chapter Seven: On the Road Again
While Legolas and Aragorn were trying to catch up to Frodo, with Boromir and Mary-Sue lying unconscious and dead behind them, Pippin, Merry, Sam and Gimli were trying to find them.
"Where are they? Where are we? When are we going to get to Mordor? When do we stop for a restroom break?" Pippin's incessant stream of questions was starting to really grate on Gimli's nerves.
"Please, dear Hobbit, will you please cease your questions until we find our friends?" he asked as politely as possible.
Pippin looked thoughtful for a moment. Then, he looked at Merry. "What did he say?"
Merry groaned. "He says to zip it!"
"Oh!" Pippin looked back at Gimli. "Yeah, sure!"
"I thank you very much, dear friend," the dwarf said, relieved.
"But when will we find them?" Pippin exclaimed a minute later.
Everyone shot him murderous looks.
He didn't talk after that.
Meanwhile, Mary-Sue had come back to life again. She hurriedly got to her feet and sprinted down the hill, cleverly tracking her companions as she ran. Boromir woke up a bit later, in time to see the Hobbits and Gimli run past.
He warily stood and headed off after them.
Then, the Uruk-Hai came back.
They were surrounded, and between the five of them, only Gimli and Boromir were armed. The Gondorian and the dwarf drew their weapons and got into defensive stances.
"I'm outta here!" Sam shouted. He ducked under the arms of the Uruk-Hai and ran off. The confused creatures watched after him, giving the warriors time to hack off a few heads. Gimli apologized every time he killed one of the Uruk-Hai. Pippin and Merry stood in the background, but then Lurtz saw them.
"More hobbity Hobbits!" he cried in pure bliss, pointing at them. He enjoyed killing Hobbits. They were fun to chase, especially on those short, stubby little legs.
"Run!" Merry screamed. He ran away from Lurtz; Pippin ran toward the Uruk-Hai. Lurtz was going to grab him and run so that he could keep the Hobbit as a moving practice target, but Boromir stepped in. Lurtz groaned.
"Go away, Ugly," he said.
"Who you callin' ugly, Ugly?" Boromir retorted.
"I'm callin' you ugly!"
"Yeah? Well, I bet your momma's ugly, too!"
"Doesn't work! I don't have a momma!"
Boromir staggered. "You don't?"
"Nope," Lurtz said, shaking his head. "I was born through a complicated process that involved slinging mud around."
"Really?" Boromir asked with interest. "Do tell."
"Some other time." Lurtz cocked his crossbow and shot Boromir.
After a couple extra shots, he ran off after Frodo. He wanted one of those practice targets.
And he got them.
Finally, Legolas and Aragorn decided to turn back. They couldn't find Frodo anywhere. They were in time to see Boromir taking his last breaths.
"Come…come closer…Aragorn," he gasped.
Aragorn went to his dying friend. "Yes, Boromir?" he asked, expecting something deep, profound, and life-changing.
"Please…before you take…over Gondor…take a bath…" Then, the Man's head fell back. He had died.
Aragorn hung his head. Legolas walked up behind him. "Well, that was hardly touching," he remarked.
Just then, Mary-Sue jogged into the clearing. "What happened?" she asked, staring at the scene.
Boromir was dead, Aragorn didn't answer, and Legolas just pulled out a dagger and stabbed her again.
"I said quit that!" Gimli cried as he came into the glade.
Legolas shrugged.
Sam came into the clearing. "Frodo's running away!" he cried, pointing in the direction of the camp.
No one replied.
"Well, isn't someone going with him?" the Hobbit demanded.
"Let's draw straws!" Aragorn suggested.
They did. Sam lost.
Meanwhile, Frodo had made his way back to the camp and was getting ready to head off in one of the boats. Just as he was pushing off, Sam ran out of the woods. "Wait, Mr. Frodo! I'm coming with you!"
"Aw, Sam!" Frodo sniffled. "I should have known you'd come back!" Unfortunately, Sam had already stumbled into the water. Then he remembered something important.
"Help, Mr. Frodo!" he cried in terror. "I can't swim!"
Frodo rolled his eyes. "Better be careful for the piranhas," he cautioned, his face serious despite the bluff.
"Piranhas!" Sam screeched. He scrabbled into the boat in less than five seconds.
"Well, I suppose we're off, then," Frodo said.
"I'm scared, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, glancing about in fear.
"Don't worry, Sam," Frodo smiled. "The author will take care of us."
"The author? Who's the author?"
"The one in charge."
"Wasn't that the Valar?"
"Nope."
"What about Mr. Tolkien?"
"He used to be. We're under new management now."
"Oh." Sam looked into the distance. "What's the author like, Mr. Frodo?"
"She's an insane lunatic bent on our destruction."
"And you think she'll take care of us?" Sam cried.
"Of course she will. Without us, there's no story! We still have to do the Two Towers and the Return of the King!"
"Oh, that's right. I like sequels."
"Me, too, Sam."
A/N: Sorry it's been so long. I've been really, really busy. I apologize. Thank-you's and hugs to all the reviewers, and I appreciate that you've waited so patiently for this new chapter. Thank you!