PROLOGUE

Damn.

This is ridiculous.

I have to worry about Akatsuki. I need to train more with that perverted Sennin.

Those things don't get done by themselves!

I'm certain there are missions that need to be performed. The coffers of Konoha do not fill themselves. Right? It's just another stupid, emotional, pointless decision made by a woman Hokage.

'Woman Hokage'. Isn't that an oxymoron or something? Geez. Why did I help bring Old Lady Tsunade back? Jiraiya should just have sucked it up and done what he had to do. So, he would look pretty funny in that tri-corner hat. Sure, the council members would have made him stop peeking in on pretty girls with his telescope. But, he would have been a better leader. Idiot!

But n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. He and I had to walk all that distance… check all those places… and spend all my money, just to bring that annoying woman back. Damn.

OK. So it's going to be the seventh day of the seventh lunar month. It's not like this is the first time that has happened. Big freakin' deal! Furthermore, I can't give a rat's ass whether someone wants to call that day 'Double Seven Day'. They can do that to their hearts content. Just don't pester me with it!

If they want to call it 'The Night of Sevens' instead? They can knock themselves out; but, don't drag me into the whole mess! You people who want to get all traditional and call it 'Seventh Sister's Birthday'? Have your fun; but, don't force me to dust off your old traditions. 'The Night of Skills'? Whoopee! 'Star Festival'? Wow. I can't wait! Morons!

You might as well call it 'The Night of Pissing Naruto The Hell Off'. Hah.

No, I have a better one. How about 'The Night of F-cking Wasting My Time'. Yeh.

None of this is going to make me stronger. None of that is going to keep Kyuubi out of the hands of The Nine. Pointless. Annoying. Nonsense

In the past, young girls used to demonstrate their domestic arts on this day and make wishes for a wonnnnnnnderful husband. Good for them. The past is the past. Today is today. I'm busy worrying about whether or not I will even have a future. Does it matter if some girl is particularly good at cutting and serving melon? Crap!

Yeh. I've heard the sing-song. In late summer, the stars Altair and Vega are high in the night sky. Blah bal blah. Why did that put a bug up the Ancients' butts and cause them to tell so many different variations of one love story. If it's so damn traditional, can't they settle on one friggin' story? Oh. And it's such an exciting story, isn't it?

A young cowherd named Niu Lang happens across seven fairy sisters bathing in a lake.

Well, it was Niu Lang in a number of stories. In others he was called Kengyuh. In some he was just the Ox Puller. Wonderful. Ox Puller. Who wouldn't die for a name like that? And who wouldn't give their last shuriken to be a cow herder. Spiffy story they chose to base a festival on. At least there's a part about bathing babes!

When's the last time I was lucky to stumble across that? Well, quite frequently actually, when I was back training with that big hairy idiot. I mean, when was the last time when that happened to me on my own.

Encouraged by his mischievous companion the ox, he steals their clothes and waits to see what will happen next. The fairy sisters elect the youngest and most beautiful sister Zhi Nü to retrieve their clothing. She does so, but since Niu Lang sees her naked she must agree to his request for marriage.

Shit. Why doesn't Granny Tsunade just do that? She should send the female shinobi running down the streets of Konoha naked. The weaver girls, too. It wouldn't matter if they were named Zhi Nü, Orihime, and Princess Shokujo, or Sakura, Ino, and Ten Ten. I wouldn't care whether or not they represent the star Vega.

Zhi Nü proves to be a wonderful wife, and Niu Lang a good husband, and they are very happy together. But when the Goddess of Heaven finds out that a mere mortal has married one of the fairy girls, she becomes furious.

Jiraiya had made it a point to read a number of different versions of the story to him. Of courses, he did it in front of the women at his favorite shops, looking for their approval. In some of the stories, it was the Goddess of Heaven who had her panties in a knot. In others, it was Zhi Nü's mother or father. There had been one that pointed the finger at Celestial Emperor Tentei.

Naruto pointed his middle finger at nothing in particular. He was in one of those moods. Why did there have to be so many versions of the same story? Because there had been a lot of lazy storytellers who would steal other's people's stuff, change it a little, and then claim it for their own. Something like that was OK with jutsus: Kakashi's sharingan eye rocks! Well, it's not all good: Sasuke's and Itachi's sharingan eyes suck.

Taking out her hairpin, the Goddess scratches a wide river in the sky to separate the two lovers forever, thus forming the Milky Way separating Altair and Vega.

That's another thing! Why do all of the old stories have to bring astronomy into it. Maybe the Ancient dumb asses were too stupid to do anything but sit staring at the sky!

Zhi Nü must sit forever on one side of the river, sadly weaving on her loom, while Niu Lang watches her from afar and takes care of their two kids But once a year all the magpies in the world take pity on them and fly up into heaven to form a bridge over the star Deneb in the Cynus Constellation so the lovers may be together for a single night.

You guessed it: the seventh night of the seventh moon. We're all saved! Carve another picture of Tsunade on the Cliffside. This time, do it from the rear, with her bending over!

It's an abuse of power. Pure and simple. If she wanted to blow some of the dust off of things like Qi Qiao Jie night, couldn't she have done it with getting all creative? No. Couldn't she had done it without involving him!

It's no skin off my nose if a festoon is placed in everybody's yard, and the single and newly married women in the household make an offering to Niu Lang and Zhi Nu. They don't have to use fruit, flowers, tea, and facial powder, as far as I'm concerned. They can take a dump if they like. Do I care?

What does it matter, when the offering is done, that half of the facial powder will be thrown on the roof and the other half divided among the young women? It won't make me any stronger, and it won't keep me from getting any sleep. Then again, anything that can have the girls looking better is OK by me.

Shit. As if any of them will ever take notice of me, whether they're pretty or not.

Granny Tsunade also encouraged everyone to borrow a little bit from all of the similar ceremonies. Why? Isn't one enough? What good is it going to do Konoha to have everyone displays bamboo branches decorated with long narrow strips of colored paper and other small ornaments and talismans? I bet that will have Itachi pissing in his pants, or make Kisame run and join a monastery. Right?

But there's more! What more could we possibly ask for? Why, for the paper strips to be inscribed with poems expressing the wish for fulfillment of romantic aspirations, of course! Thanks. That's all I need. For everyone else to have those types of dreams fulfilled.

At least the stupid things won't clutter up the place for too long. At the end of the festivities, the bamboo branches are to be thrown into the river to be carried away, thereby dispelling misfortune. Or so the old traditions say. I know better. If I train, that will help dispel misfortune.

That will wash most of the crap away from the village. I'm all for that. But why will a lot of farmers put some of the leftover stuff in rice paddies? The 'means of repelling insects' makes some sense. The 'thanksgiving offering for what is hoped will be a bounteous harvest' part is nothing but mumbo jumbo.

I think I will tell Tsunade that. Right to her face. After I watch everybody set straw figures of men and animals afloat in small boats, of course! Does anybody really believe that if they do that, their sins and stains of evil will be transferred to these straw figures and floated away? Sure. It has to happen, since they gave the whole rite a big fancy name. Nemurinagashi. "Floating away sleep." All based on the notion that evil or misfortune could be cast off like shaking off harmful sleep.

I wish I could shake off my sleep and find I was just dreaming!

Any way, I certainly have words for the Hokage. I'll let her know that I will not do any of the things that her scroll said were mandatory. She can throw me in the dungeon for all I care. A man has to put his foot down somewhere, doesn't he?

Make streamers made from colorful strips handmade paper, symbolizing the threads woven by Zhi Nü? Wrong. Won't happen.

Fold a bunch of origami cranes, 'betokening' wishes for the safety and health of the family? Blow me!

Cut out and write tanzaku, small rectangular-shaped paper with wishes written on them? Guess again. When was the last time I ever had one of my wishes answered?

Wear some kind of kamigoromo? A stinking paper kimono? Stupid ritualistic nonsense.

Go around passing out the kuzukago trash bags, symbolizing cleanliness and thriftiness?

Try and make me! I'm not a garbage man.

And then, there's the whole bit about the lanterns. Lanterns, for crying out loud. Who thought up this stuff? Didn't they have anything better to do with their lives?

There's only one good part. The curfew. It's lifted tonight. But, what good will that do, if the All Nite restaurants are closed because of the stupid festivities? All so a bunch of guys could go wandering about, giving their lanterns to a bunch of girls. Why should any of us care about the old traditions? Do we really want to go back to the days when all of the young people were chaperoned around the streets in hopes of finding love, and matchmakers were busy pairing off couples? Those with brightest lanterns were deemed good luck and hope.

Hell, maybe I can shove a lantern up my ass and act like I'm a freaking firefly! I bet that will bring a lot of good luck.

It's almost like we're supposed to act like children again. Like my childhood is something I want to do over again! Not only that, Tsunade and the damn elders are trying to meddle in our social lives. Why don't they buy all the lanterns they want and go off and party, remembering when they were still young?

This year, it will be the guys who do the hard part. We all need to pick out lanterns. Then we need to find a present to give to some girl. Any girl. At least, any girl who'll accept the frigging thing.

If the girl accepts the present, she will take the lantern. After that, it's up to that couple. They can head on over to the meeting hall and meet their friends, joining in the festivities.. They can say good night and head their separate ways. Or, they can decide to do something else together.

Guys walking around late at night with lanterns will be an easy mark. Girls sitting alone in the dark will be even worse off. Since all lanterns needed to be accounted for by midnight, he couldn't just toss his down some alley.

Sure, some people will probably think it's all fun, a nice break from the serious stuff we deal with every day. But, what do those type of people know? For everyone who enjoys himself, there will probably be at least one or two people who get hurt, feel put out, or simply end up miserable. What's the point of that?

Finally. The gates of the village. It's good to see them again. At least it would be, under different circumstances.

Wait. What is all that? Why is the road so crowded? Monks? Dancers? Traditional singers? It sounds like someone is strangling cats!

This is a test. That's it. The teachers all want to see what students will buckle under this kind of torture, giving away important secrets. I'm close. Real close. Hey everybody. Come one come all. Secrets for sale!

And, what's with that song? Geeez. I guess you can't have a stupid old festival without a stupid old song. Great. Just great.

-

Somewhere I hear a voice calling.

But looking around I see no one.

'Here I am!' says the voice.

But besides the voice I can see no shape.

'Let's go together!' Says the voice whose shape I can't see.

'Lets go and look for what you prize!'

Says the voice whose shape I cant see.

-

For what I prize? When did that ever really matter? All that anyone really cares about is keeping that f-cking fox locked up. Right?

-

'Lets go and look for what you treasure!'

'Look at the shining of the water!' says the voice.

Beyond the voice is a twinkling light

A large river slowly flowing along.

'What you prize is the shining of that water!'

-

No. What I would prize right now is a glass of water. Make that a bucket of water and a troop of Kemi Butai to shut those idiots up.

-

'Look at the colors of those flowers!' says the voice.

'There are many flowers blooming here and there'

'What you treasure are the colors of so many flowers!'

-

Uh huh. Sure. If you say so. Colors. Flowers. Somehow, Ero-sennin left that part of my education out. I feel so deprived. Sniff. Sniff.

-

'Look at that window!' says the voice.

'You count the number of the stars. As you

count the number of your hopes.'

'From that window you can see what you treasure.'

'Your dreams you mustn't ever lose!'

-

The number of my hopes? I hope to be Hokage some day. I hope to be alive tomorrow. I hope I don't make a fool of myself.

-

'For you, what is the thing you prize?'

'It is, I see, holding the hand of the one you love,' says the voice.

'Feel it is so warm. The warmth of what you prize.'

'For you, what is the thing you treasure?'

'It is, I see, looking into the eyes of the one you love,' says the voice.

-

It's just another sign that the whole festival idea is working wonders. Thanks a lot, Old Lady. I love you, village elders. Let me know when the next election is, city councilmen. I thought the whole idea of a festival was to have fun.

Getting me to think about all the troubles I have is a lot of fun. Know what's better? Getting me to see how different I am than everyone else. The thing I prize? The one I love?

There will never be anything like that for me.