Mary Christmas, James! – a hellish xmas carol by E.P.O.
Twas Christmas Eve at James' house and everything breathed peace and idyll. Snowflakes descended from the sky outside like little fallen angels. Inside the house's gaily decorated dining room, the wood crackled merrily in the fireplace and many presents rested under the tree. The owner sat at the dinner table with a few good friends and his adopted daughter Laura.
Suddenly, the door bell rang. Wondering who it could be on this evening, James walked out to the hall and opened the door.
It turned out that James' numerous grotesque demons from Silent Hill were standing on the doorstep. "MARY CHRISTMAS!" laughed an obviously drunk Pyramid Head, who was wearing a pixy hat on top of his pyramid helmet for the occasion.
"What the hell?" came James' freaked-out reply.
"Allright, let's do this – one, three, two and a half," Pyramid Head counted. A quartet of patient demons raised their violins and started playing a horrible travesty of "Deck the Halls", while a mannequin sang the first verse:
Mary had a freaky disease
Fa la la la la, la la la la
And it just fucked her up with ease
Fa la la la la, la la la la
So you killed her on her deathbed
Fal la la, LA LA LA, la la la
Put a pillow on her sick head
Fa la la la la, la la la la
A Bubblehead-Nurse sang the next verse:
Then you went to your special place
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Looked in a mirror at your face
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Found that the town was deserted
Fa la la, LA LA LA, la la la
Acid from the monsters squirted
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The Angela Papa turned out to have an impressive, opera-like voice as it sang the third part:
Angela, she was a nice girl
Fa la la la la, la la la la
But you almost made her hu-url
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Daddy was a nasty lowlife
Fa la la, LA LA LA, la la la
So she killed him with her kni-ife
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The hideous reanimated corpse of Eddie yelled the fourth verse:
People had teased me for aeons
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Took a gun and shot the morons
Fa la la la la, la la la la
When you saw me go all insane
Fa la la, LA LA LA, la la la
You chose to shoot me in the brain
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The two Pyramid Heads sang the fifth one:
We are the dark side of your mind
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dedicated to kill and grind
Fa la la la la, la la la la
And we've got these cone-shaped headgears
Fa la la, LA LA LA, la la la
Killed ourselves with these cool spears
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The last verse was sung by the most attractive demon in the crowd, Maria:
I'm your slutty Mary-remake
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Giving you a lot of heartache
Fa la la la la, la la la la
I could not replace your lo-oss
Fa la la, LA LA LA, la la la
So I turned into this bo-oss
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Pyramid Head put a pixy hat on the head of the dumfounded James, and the entire group of demons sung the final verse:
Well, we hope you like your wee hat
Fa la la la la, la la la la
You left the town with that dumb brat
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Bye from this world of blood and pus
Fa la la, LA LA LA, la la la
Mary Christmas from all of us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
The song ended, and the group of monsters burst into laughter. Several of them collapsed and rolled around on the icy doorstep, tears of laughter trickling down their cheeks or whatever they had instead of cheeks. "Did you see the look on his face?!" "That was absolutely PRICELESS!" "We should totally do this EVERY year!"
"Very funny," James said tonelessly as he pulled out a chainsaw from his coat pocket and raised it over the guffawing heap. "Very fucking funny."
-VROOM-