Author's Notes:
Okay, okay, I know this fic kinda pokes fun at Sailormoon, but I just felt like doing it for the heck of it. It's not that I hate the show; it's my favorite. I just felt like doing something different from the more serious stuff I write.
You should know by now the usual disclaimers, so I'm not going to bother saying them again. There are references in this fic to a some different movies, books, etc., so if you aren't worthy enough to have seen/read them, you don't deserve to know where they are from! J/K, but if you haven't seen/read them, you won't get it.
This story is written in script format rather than a more novel-type format.
To understand what's written:
BOB: Ladeedoodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle." BOB (sighing): Ladeedoodle. = Bob sighed, and said "Ladeedoodle." [BOB merrily ladeedoodled before falling over] = Describing how Bob ladeedoodled until he fell over. All names in a description (and before words) are in capitals for no apparent reason. BOB V.O.: Ladeedoodle. = Bob isn't onscreen, but you hear him say "Ladeedoodle" as clearly as he would if there. BOB: La_dee_doodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" with the "dee" syllable emphasized. The _ _ basically denotes underlining, and underlining in writing means you would italicize when typing it up. BOB: Ladeedoodle *groan*. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" and groaned. A groan is not something you can write out... how often do you see "ermmmnn" written in instead of "groan"? * * around a vocalization means it is something that can't just be written out. BOB: LaAAADdeeEeeDoOooDdllLlEeee. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle," his pitch changing back and forth and his volume as well as he spoke. BOB: Laaaaadeedoodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" with the "La" syllable very long. BOB: LADEEDOODLE. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" very loudly; not the same as emphasizing.
Well, that should clear things up, right?
Check out my website, The World of Immora: http://www.crosswinds.net/japan/~immora/index.html
Have fun reading the story... oh yes, to all non-Outer Senshi fans: you suck, and you won't enjoy this fic.
**********************************************************************
[Intro to the episode, with the usual music]
[The SAILOR SENSHI are sitting there with blank looks]
MOON V.O.: Today on Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon, we all sit for a long time, and talk, and talk, and talk, and get attacked, and talk some more, and then we talk again, and we--
[V.O. and music abruptly cuts off with a loud POW! sound]
[SAILOR SENSHI are all smiling broadly now]
PLUTO V.O.: Okay, since I'm a MUCH cooler Senshi than Moon, _I_'ll do the introduction for this episode.
[SENSHI start applauding as music starts up again]
PLUTO V.O.: Today on "Pathetic 'Senshi' Sailormoon", as I will affectionately call it since she's NOT pretty and she is so NOT senshi except for in name, people die...
[clips of some explosions]
PLUTO V.O.: ... worship the Outer Senshi, as everyone should...
[clips of INNER SENSHI, MAMORU, and the CATS chanting "We're not worthy" to a triumph group of OUTER SENSHI]
PLUTO V.O.: ... wonder when Haruka and Michiru will _finally_ lock lips onscreen....
[clips of HARUKA and MICHIRU coming _thiiiis_ close to kissing, then pulling away, then trying again, then sighing irritably]
PLUTO V.O.: ... and faces the strangest enemies of all, the Sailor Losers!
[silhouettes of strange looking Senshi flash on the screen]
PLUTO V.O.: So stick around, or I'll beat you over the head with my Time Key. You really don't want that, do you?
[fade out]
[A T.V. PRODUCER of some sort is standing there with a nervous look on his face]
T.V. PRODUCER: Er, we apologize for this brief interruption, but the animators at Toei misplaced the stock footage for the opening animation, and we lost the recording of Moonlight Densetsu and no one around here seems to own any Sailormoon CDs, so we'll just have to forget about that. It's not my fault. Really, it isn't.
[someone off camera throws a large shoe at his head, knocking him unconscious]
SOMEONE ELSE'S V.O.: Ahem... since we are missing the footage... we have a handpuppet show brought to you by... uh, Chibi-Usa... and Usagi is going to wail-- I mean, sing... a lovely little rendition of Moonlight Densetsu for us... Um, hit it, girls...
[a light shines on a wall, and some handpuppets appear doing all sorts of stuff while a girl shouts out a song]
USAGI (singing to the tune of Moonlight Densetsu): I'm sorry, but I can't stop whining If I were to stop it would be a dream Before my brain cells are more shorted I wish to wail more now
It seems to be crying, the moonlight Since I won't shutup till midnight I do not know what to do about my stupidness What the hell is a kaleidascope?
I'm tripping and falling on my face I'm going to start crying again You don't need Rei's powers to predict That my life will always suck How could I not cry?, a miracle I'm still around, a miracle I'm still around
SOMEONE ELSE'S (V.O.): Ummm.... thank you... girls...
WAY TOO HYPER ANNOUNCER V.O.: And now, on with the show!
[Screen flashes all sorts of colors and the episode title appears]
MOON V.O.: THIS JOB SUCKS! SAILOR TEAM IGNORES THE SCRIPT!
[shot of the Hikawa Shrine's sign; some birds are flying around and the sun is shining brightly]
[Moving to the front of the shrine, we see REI is in her priestess robes, sweeping]
REI (grumbling): Why can't Yuuichirou-kun do this? I'm too cool to bother myself with such menial tasks.
[AMI walks up, holding a large text book, wearing reading glasses, a white shirt, a black vest, and blue pants.]
AMI: Hello, Rei-chan. I see you're sweeping.
REI (whispering): Do you always have to state the obvious? I mean, a real genius wouldn't feel the need to point that out.
AMI (whispering): I know, I know, it's in the script, okay? It sucks, I know, but we're getting paid to do this, after all.
REI (whispering): Yeah well--Oh! Right! The script! Forgot about that!
REI (in normal voice again): Yeah, I really am tired of it. Want to help so I can get done quicker?
AMI: No, thank you, I've got to finish this whole text book by 3:00 or I'll only be five semesters ahead of everyone in the known universe.
[REI sweatdrops]
REI: Um... okay...
[A big WHOOSH! and a puff of dust goes by, then there's a loud screech as it comes to a halt. Standing in the middle of the clearing dust is an insanely giggling MINAKO, dressed in an orange sundress with a white shirt under it, a frantic looking ARTEMIS clinging to her shoulder]
ARTEMIS: Help... me... save me from... Mina-chan...
MINAKO (really fast): Hey Ami-chan hey Rei-chan guess what guess what guess what? I just had waayyyyy too much sugar and I'm really really hyper okay okay okay?!
[REI and AMI sweatdrop]
AMI (whispering): I can see this is going to be one of those stories where our personality traits are wildly exaggerated.
REI (whispering): Shhh! The audience'll hear you!
MINAKO: Hey Rei-chan Rei-chan Rei-chaaaaan, I want to sweep toooo!
[MINAKO grabs a broom, whooshes by, ARTEMIS getting thrown off her in the process, while she is kicking up a huge cloud of dirt, and suddenly the temple is sparkling clean]
MINAKO: So what are we going to do now?
[There's a long silence as sweatdrops appear again]
REI: I'm surprised my hair isn't limp from all these sweatdrops.
AMI: I'm not. We're just ink and paint, remember? Sweat doesn't affect our hair, so it will always be as voluminous as ever, much more than is possible for real hair to be under normal circumstances.
REI: Oh, right.
ARTEMIS (groaning): I landed on my head... ow ow ow...
AMI: Don't worry, Artemis, I'm sure there will be no significant damage to your brain. If there is, well... no one should know the difference.
ARTEMIS (drily): Thanks for the compliment.
[REI brushes a bit of dirt off her robes and straightens her hair]
REI: Say, Ami-chan, you're the know-it-all around here, and you've got that wacky computer and visor thingy, maybe _you_ can answer this question...
AMI: Sure, what is it?
[REI has one of those expressions where her eyes are closed, her lip is incredibly curved, streams of tears going down her face as she holds a handerchief to her cheek]
REI: Please, tell me, why did they give me black hair in the anime when it would have looked perfectly nice if they kept it purple, just like it was in the manga!
[MAKOTO pops in out of nowhere, in a long-sleeved blue shirt and a long lavender skirt]
MAKOTO: And have you noticed that in the manga, the antenna on my tiara is usually raised when I'm in Senshi form? Why'd they change that?
AMI: Oh, hello, Mako-chan.
REI: Hi, Mako-chan.
ARTEMIS: Hey.
MINAKO: Yo, wuzzup, Mako-chan?
MAKOTO (whispering): What's wrong with Mina-chan? I thought the script said she was going to say "Hello" to me.
AMI (whispering): I think she's decided to take-off on the script and do whatever she wants. That, and the fact that she's had a lot of sugar.
MAKOTO (whispering): In that case, could I--
[The DIRECTOR pops his head in]
DIRECTOR: HEY!! There is a SCRIPT to follow! Stop all these side comments!
[DIRECTOR leaves when everyone sweatdrops, seeing that they get the picture]
[AMI pulls out her computer and starts typing really fast]
[EVERYONE ELSE peers over her shoulder]
EVERONE ELSE: Oooo... flashing lights...
AMI: I'm sorry, Rei-chan, Mako-chan... My computer can't determine why the change was made. Perhaps there was no logical reason for it, therefore it could not be determined.
REI: *sigh* Oh well, I guess I'll never know.
[USAGI and CHIBI-USA walk up, USAGI in white overalls with a pink shirt, CHIBI-USA in a short purple dress, Luna and Diana tailing along]
USAGI: Hi, everyone! I heard what you were saying, and I think I might actually have a solution to the problem!
[EVERYONE ELSE gasps in shock, looks of horror on their faces]
MINAKO: Usagi-chan... b-but... You're supposed to be a ditz, just like me!
MAKOTO: You aren't supposed to be capable of coming up with a solution!
AMI: _I_ am the one that comes up with the answers around here!
ARTEMIS, LUNA, and DIANA: Say it isn't so!
REI: Aw, forget it, we all know it'll be some stupid idea that won't work anyways!
[REI and CHIBI-USA both nod rapidly]
USAGI (whining): HEY!!! I'm the leader! And I'm the princess!! Don't you guys have _any_ faith in me?!
[EVERYONE ELSE thinks about it a moment]
EVERYONE ELSE: Nope.
[USAGI starts bawling huge tears]
USAGI: B-but it was a _good_ idea!
[EVERYONE ELSE sweatdrops... again]
MAKOTO: Ehehehe... er, why don't you tell us your idea then, Usagi- chan...
[USAGI immediately stops crying and grins broadly]
USAGI: Why don't we just ask the animators to color us differently? I mean, we make script changes all the time, why not paint changes?
[Everything goes into blue tones and crows fly by in the background, and it's dead quiet. USAGI just stands there looking quizzical while the others have varied expressions; mouths dropped open, wide eyes, looks of fear, etc.]
[Things go back to normal]
AMI: I-It could work...
MINAKO: That's a-actually a pretty good idea...
[REI starts screaming, grabs USAGI's overall straps and starts shaking her like mad]
REI (shouting): YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE GOOD IDEAS!!!
[REI keeps repeating that while USAGI starts crying again]
USAGI (repeating over and over): It's not my fault!
CHIBI-USA: What's happening to our little world? Usagi-chan is saying things that make _sense_!
DIANA: Maybe Usagi-sama fell on her head.
ARTEMIS: Just like I did earlier?
AMI: No, when you fell on your head, it probably made you stupider. She's saying that perhaps a blow to her head temporarily jarred her ditziness enough for her to make statements that had some relevancy.
LUNA: Hello, I haven't had a line yet to myself yet, and I just want to throw one in while I can.
DIANA: What does that have to do with anything?
LUNA: This is a parody fic, remember? It doesn't have to make sense. Besides, you know who the author is, don't you? She never makes that much sense.
[A ton of people dressed in armor suddenly race by doing a sort of skip, some of them clapping together coconuts to imitate the sounds of horses galloping. A group of priests trails behind him]
PRIESTS: Piea esu domi ne... donna nobis requiem...
[they pause to smack boards against their faces]
[They disappear in the distance, with the sounds of coconuts, chanting, and face smacking lingering behind them.]
LUNA: Like that. That had _nothing_ to do with the story. That was a Monty Python and the Holy Grail thing.
DIANA: Fanfiction is so complicated.
DIRECTOR V.O.: SCRIPT please! You're getting paid to follow it, remember? And more _enthusiasm_! C'mon, give us a cheer!
ALL: Yay.
DIRECTOR V.O.: Could use a little work... ah well. We're just in this for the money, who cares about quality?
A BUNCH OF PRODUCTION PEOPLE: Money money money money money...
AUTHOR: Boo. Aren't you scared? I'm the author. Yay. Isn't my fic making little or no sense?
ALL: No sense at all.
AUTHOR: Good. Ah, well, um, back to the story... yeah, that's it.
[REI and USAGI are still arguing]
MINAKO (giggling): Think we should stop them?
EVERYONE ELSE: No.
[Finally, REI drops USAGI and calmly sits down. USAGI gets up and just stands there]
MAKOTO: So... what now?
CHIBI-USA (whispering): Anybody have the script with them? I can't remember my lines.
USAGI (whispering): That's because you're too stupid to remember them. There's some cue cards over there.
[CHIBI-USA looks over off the camera, presumably at the cue cards, squinting to read them]
[a really muscular, tall guy in armor, with long brown hair, suddenly runs over and drop kicks CHIBI-USA, and a scrawny guy behind him with gold skin and hourglass eyes, wearing black robes, starts waving a crystal ball tipped staff and saying all sorts of mumbo-jumbo]
REI: Whoa cool... weird ass stuff. Weirder than my Shinto mumbo-jumbo.
[CHIBI-USA burns up in a puff of smoke]
CARAMON (whining): But Raistlin, she was just a little kid--
RAISTLIN (exasperated): She was EVIL, you big oaf, even more evil than ME {if that's possible}! Besides, _you_ hurt her too, you drop-kicked her!
[RAISTLIN bops CARAMON on the head with his staff, then they disappear]
LUNA: And that was from...???
AMI: Dragonlance. One of the author's favorite book series. And Raistlin is her favorite character, so he got the honor of killing the Chibi.
LUNA: Oh.
MINAKO: I wonder what the cue card said, anyways.
USAGI: "Keep looking at this card so everyone's dream can come true."
DIANA: Does anybody care that Chibi-Usa-chan just incinerated in a freak accident?
EVERYONE ELSE: Nope.
USAGI: Wanna celebrate?
[Everyone waves little flags and says "Yay, yay", just like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail]
[And speaking of Holy Grails...]
MAKOTO: Where are the Outer Senshi at?
MINAKO: Why do you ask?
MAKOTO: Ah... (whispering) It's in the script, okay?! That's why!
AMI: Well, if we plug in this figure on the chart, and I use my visor to scan in a north-east direction, and replace the value y in this equation with the infinity symbol, then (blah blah blah blah blah)
[after a few minutes of technobabble]
AMI: ... According to this, we can safely assume they are not here at Hikawa Shrine.
[EVERYONE ELSE falls over]
REI: You needed a computer to tell you that?!
DIANA (whispering): The script! It's in the script!
MAKOTO (whispering): You'd think everyone would realize by now that any unexplainable dialogue is a result of the silly script!
REI: Well, we could always put the animators to the test and tell them to send in the Outer Senshi.
DIRECTOR V.O.: Script, please?
USAGI: Ooo! And we can test my theory about--
LUNA: Yeah, yeah, we know.
ARTEMIS: We'll all pass out if we hear you repeat it. We just can't handle it when you say things that--
DIRECTOR V.O.: Script!
ARTEMIS: Hold on, sheesh! As I was saying, we just can't handle it when you say things that make sense.
DIRECTOR: Script?
USAGI: Right... Ooo, and we can ask them to send Mamo-chan with them so I can hang all over him and babble like an idiot the way I always do!
USAGI (thinking to herself): I really hate this script. I sound like more of an airhead than I really am. Not that I am not an airhead, but this... oooh, my head hurts from all this thinking...
REI: We should tell the animators to draw them the correct way. Y'know, give Haruka-san the right hair and eye colors, Michiru-san the right hair length, Setsuna-san the more-green-less-black hair color, that sort of thing.
MINAKO: And Hotaru-chan should be older again. In continuity, she's a cute little kid, but suddenly I'm sick of little kids. I don't want to see more little kids. No more little kids. We got rid of one, now we must--
ARTEMIS: Shut up, Mina-chan.
MINAKO: --shut up... Alright, I'll do that.
[MAKOTO walks off camera to have a talk with the animators, and after the sounds of arguing, some punching, and some frantic drawing, painting, and writing later, she returns]
MAKOTO: Alright, everyone, the Outers--and Mamoru--should be added in shortly.
EVERYONE ELSE: Yay.
[MAMORU enters first, in his usual black shirt, green jacket, and gray-blue pants... you know, his dork garb, or does that apply to all his clothes?... Anyways... USAGI immediately races over and gives him an enormous hug]
USAGI: Mamo-chan! Thank goodness you're here! We've just been discussing how the animators messed up the colors and fanfiction and Chibi-Usa got killed and we started talking some more...
MAMORU: That's great, Usako. Sounds like everyone's having fun.
DIANA (murmuring to her parents): It didn't even faze him... not that it should, I suppose.
LUNA: It was no big loss, anyhow. But somehow, I would have much rather enjoyed a long, drawn-out, violent death seen for the little terror than just a blast of fire and smoke as a result of some character not associated with us.
DIANA: Well... I hope the Outer Senshi get here soon... We need some REAL entertainment...
[EYE-CATCH for commercial break]
[SD SENSHI hop merrily around the screen, before everyone beats up the MOON and CHIBI-MOON ones]
[FIRST COMMERCIAL]
A HYPER LITTLE GIRL: Hey hey hey hey, Mommy mommy mommy, guess what guess what guess what?
MOM: What is it, my darling daughter?
HYPER GIRL: I just found out that I, too, can become just as sugary sweet and annoying as Chibimoon!!
MOM: Ooo, and how can you do that?
[A big cereal box drops in out of nowhere]
H.G.: With the All New Chibimoonifying Sugary Sweet Lumps!
MOM: Wow, all nutrients it could have possibly have were removed!
H.G.: Yeah, and all that's left is fatty, cholesterol-packed, calorific sugar goodness!
MOM: Guaranteed to make little girls annoyingly hyper and endearing! Wow, where can we buy more?
CHIBIMOON: Everyone come on down to Juuban Grocery today, and pay insanely large amounts of money for lumps of unhealthy sugar! You too can be almost as annoying as me! So get on down here before I "Pink Sugar Heart Attack" your ass!
[psychedelic screen with flashing words]
Chibimoonifying Sugary Sweet Lumps... from Dumb-O
[SECOND COMMERCIAL]
DITZ: I, like, need to, like, study for this, like, test so, like, I, like, won't _completely_, like, uh, fail my, like, test. Where can I, like, get help?
VENUS: Fellow ditzes! You should, like, come see me so we can, like, band together against, like, all those geeks, like, that, like, like to study... like Sailormercury.
MERCURY: HEY!
DITZ: You're, like, my IDOL, Sailorvenus! How can I, like, be as ditzy as you?!
VENUS: Well, you see, like, you have to already be, like, stupid...
DITZ: Fer sure!
VENUS: But it helps to, like, use stuff to, like, keep it that way! So I, like, recommend using, like, the, uh, "Venus's Ditzifying Exercises."
DITZ: But I, like, am too _lazy_ to, like, exercise!
VENUS: Not like, like, that. It's a collection of, like, all sorts of airheaded stuff. Like, there's a video tape that, like, only has people just, like, standing there talking, and they, like, have music videos, like, playing too... and there's, like, a handbook so, like, you can, like, practice your, uh... words.
DITZ: Ohhh, but I can't, like, read well!
VENUS: No problem! It's, like, in simple language that, like, even WE can, like, understand! And even, like, a cd so, like, you can, like, just listen instead of, like, reading or whatever.
[Except from book: "Like, go to the mall and, like, pick out some, like, clothes that, like, are trendy and some stuff."]
VENUS: There's, like, even a ton of, like, hair bleaches and, like, all sorts of, like, stuff to seep into your brain... so, like, get yours today, at, ummmm... that store....
DITZ: Thanks, Venus! You're, like, totally cool!
VENUS: Fer sure! *giggles*
[VENUS triumphantly walks away... and trips and falls on her face]
[LAST COMMERCIAL]
PLUTO: Are you... overwhemingly cool?
SATURN: Are you... insanely powerful?
NEPTUNE: Are you... filthy rich?
URANUS: Are you... totally hot?
PLUTO: Of COURSE you aren't. Unless you're an Outer Senshi like us-- which you aren't-- you're pathetic.
SATURN: But never fear, lame-os... there's a bit of hope for you yet!
URANUS: A very SMALL bit...
NEPTUNE: If you pay an ungodly amount of money, you too can order the Outer Senshi's Guide To Partial Success!
PLUTO: That's right! And since we're the _only_ truly successful people, we're the only ones qualified to tell you how to be _sorta_ successful.
SATURN: After a wait so long you'll forget you ordered it--
PLUTO: Well, that's just because I have better things to do besides shipping packages...
SATURN: --You will receive a set of instructional books, cds, videos, and cd-roms that will try to lead you on the path to... well, better than you are now! *raspberry*
NEPTUNE: The books have all sorts of tips, including...
PLUTO: How to find the coolest clothes that happen to cost a fortune.
SATURN: How to make other people feel inferior and afraid of you.
NEPTUNE: How to be jealous when your lover is flirting with someone else.
URANUS: HEY!... How to drive waaaaay over the speed limit and get away with it. And there's also inspirational music, like...
PLUTO: "My hair is cooler than yours. Live with it."
SATURN: "Don't piss me off or I'll destroy you."
NEPTUNE: "I am gorgeous and you aren't."
URANUS: "I am much sexier than you'll ever be."
PLUTO: Don't forget our video tutorials, like... Watch Pluto beat the living shit out of people.
SATURN: Saturn waving her glaive around a whole lot while everyone gets really really really scared that she'll blow up the world!
NEPTUNE and URANUS (whispering): Hey, can we make out on camera for the video?
SATURN (whispering): Why not? Make them feel like idiots with lame love- lives.
URANUS (grinning to camera): And of course, We kiss much better than you and have LOTS of fun doing it.
PLUTO: Then there's the cd-rom packed with quizzes to test how well you're learning. They have themes like, "Are you still pathetic?"
URANUS: "Are you in touch with your inner bitch?"
NEPTUNE: "Do you sleep with your lover too much or not enough?"
SATURN: "Should I destroy the world just because you live in it?"
PLUTO: Hours and hours of tor-- I mean _enjoy_ment. There's more than just what we've mentioned here, so order today!
SATURN: Remember, just send us all your credit cards, bank account information, the deed to your house, a check for all the money you possess, and your soul, and this can all be yours!
NEPTUNE: If you're a pathetic loser with no self-esteem, this is the answer! (Maybe not a _good_ one...)
URANUS: Remember, we do _extensive_ background checks to make sure you qualify for this set. For instance, idiotic perverts who just want to see Neptune and I make out will be refused immediately. Or people who just want a good laugh. If you're a loser geek who never sees the light of day and seriously think this will help you, however, this is probably for you.
PLUTO: Just call 1-800-OUTERS1 and stay on the phone for a long time waiting for the hold music to go away.
ALL: Don't delay, order today!
[EYE-CATCH for return from commericial break]
[BACK TO THE SHOW]
DIANA: Well... I hope the Outer Senshi get here soon... We need some REAL entertainment...
[Out of nowhere, a Ferrari F512M (very hard to find and very expensive, by the way) drives up. Out pops SETSUNA, HOTARU, HARUKA, and MICHIRU. Strangely enough, SETSUNA was driving, HOTARU in the passenger seat, and the other two in the back.]
USAGI: Hey, they look about right...
[SETSUNA's hair is a great shade of dark green, not black with green highlights like it is normally colored. She's wearing a maroon jacket over a nice white shirt, and a maroon skirt, with high heels. HOTARU is in her appearance as of SMS; teenager rather than kid. Pale as ever, wearing a black turtle-neck, skirt, tights, and shoes. MICHIRU's hair is the length it should be, about mid-back, and she's wearing a black slip dress with a sheer floral covering over it, and sandles. HARUKA looks remarkably different from her anime appearance; white hair, silver eyes, more girly appearance, and she's wearing a long-sleeved white shirt that bares her midrift, a long white skirt with dark stripes going down it, and, get this, shiny black combat boots.]
SETSUNA: Sorry that we didn't come sooner, but as you all know, we are the coolest people ever created, and therefore didn't think you worthy of our glorious presences.
HARUKA: Some crazy people out there [jerks thumb off camera] decided we had to though. That's not fair is it? We were having lots of fun, but nooo... we had to come here and visit you people...
MICHIRU (hanging all over Haruka): Oh, we were having _lots_ of fun, weren't we, Haruka?
[HARUKA blushes faintly and casts her eyes towards the sky innocently, Michiru continues clinging to her arm]
HARUKA: Yeah... er... Hi everyone, how's it going?
EVERYONE EXCEPT OUTERS: Bad.
SETSUNA: That's nice. Hotaru, say something.
HOTARU, with hand on chin: Yo, da bitch is back.
[EVERYONE ELSE immediately falls over, then gets back up with large sweatdrops]
USAGI: W-what...
REI: Hotaru-chan? Is that you?
[HOTARU shrugs and yawns]
HOTARU: Hey, everyone else gets good lines, and I get hardly any. I decided to surprise everyone with a comment you would normally never hear from me, much less anyone else on this show.
HARUKA: Hotaru-chan, the comment was great, but there's so much more to saying cool stuff... you have to do a cool _pose_...
HOTARU: OoOooOo... Teach me how to pose in a cool type way!
[HARUKA gives HOTARU a brief lesson in the art of posing really coolly]
[HOTARU cross her arms tightly, glaring with narrow slits down her nose at the INNER SENSHI with one eyebrow cocked slightly]
HOTARU: Yo, da bitch is back.
[HOTARU fans everywhere go wild as the other OUTER SENSHI cry with happiness, the INNER SENSHI with envy]
REI (sniffling): Oh... she's so cool...
SETSUNA: Just like the rest of us Outer Senshi!
USAGI (sobbing): This show is so unworthy to be graced with her presence!
[INNER SENSHI, MAMORU, and CATS prostrate themselves before the almighty OUTER SENSHI]
HOTARU: I _love_ power. Alright, faithful followers, you may resume your normal activities.
NON-OUTERS: Thank you, oh great Hotaru-sama!
[A brief pause]
AMI (calling off-camera): I just realized... Hey!, are they following a script?
AUTHOR, rather snootily: The Outer Senshi are _far_ too cool for _anyone_ to provide a script worthy of being spoken by them. How _dare_ you suggest such a thing?
MICHIRU: We _are_ the coolest, aren't we?
EVERYONE ELSE: Yep.
[Yet another pause...]
REI: So, what's with the combat boots, Haruka-sama? By the way, oh great Outer Senshi, may we please refer to you as -sama?
OUTER SENSHI: GLADLY!!
HARUKA (shrugging): I just felt like wearing them. Besides, if someone pisses me off, these will make quite a difference with I kick them in the face.
INNER SENSHI: Ooooo... Violence...
MINAKO: Setsuna-sama, why were _you_ driving? I would think Haruka-sama would strangle anyone that came near her cars, and you were _driving_ it...
MAMORU: I want a car I want a car I want a car--
[USAGI slaps the back of his head]
USAGI (hissing/whispering): Oh be quiet! Once we get paid for this doing this crazy episode, you should have enough for some clunky old thing.
MAMORU (whining): But I want one noooowwww!
USAGI: Shouldn't be wasting so much money on all those roses then-- oops, no one's supposed to know that you're too cheap to grow your own and the ones are your house are synthetic...
SETSUNA: Excuse me, I would like to speak. Shut up.
USAGI: Yes Setsuna-sama, right away oh great Setsuna-sama.
SETSUNA: That's more like it! Minako-chan, to answer your question, Haruka-san _requested_ I drive so she could sit in the backseat.
MINAKO: Huh?
HOTARU: Put it together... Michiru was in the backseat, Haruka wanted to be back there with her-- Y'know...
MINAKO: Oh, I get it... I think...
MICHIRU: HOTARU!!! We weren't... I mean... we didn't-- it's not what you think, I mean, we wouldn't do that with other people in the car too...
DIANA: There are children around, you know, like me. You shouldn't mention such things while we're here.
[ARTEMIS clamps a paw over her mouth]
ARTEMIS: Hush or there won't _be_ any more children around.
DIANA: Mn keh.
ARTEMIS: And how DARE you talk back to an Outer Senshi?! Shame on you!
DIANA: Emm surry.
[ALL now sit, stand, whatever in place. There is a great amount of silence--]
HOTARU: AHHH! The Silence!!
[Not that kind!! Okay... It was very _quiet_...]
HOTARU: That's better.
[The nine Sen--]
HOTARU: Nine?! NINE?! Are you _trying_ to make me go nuts?! MUST you make all these Mistress Nine references?!
[Er, pardon me... Inner and Outer Senshi, along with Mamoru and the cats, looked very, very bored.]
[AMI suddenly gets it]
AMI: Michiru-san!! I mean, -sama!!! You said... "we wouldn't do that with other people in the car too"... are you implying that sometimes when no one is there and you two are alone in the car you ha--
HARUKA: Stop that train of thought RIGHT NOW. You people are supposed to be too stupid to realize that Michiru and I--... uh, nevermind.
[AMI wisely shuts up]
[More Si-- er, quietness... eh heh, sorry Hotaru-sama]
HOTARU (mumbling to AUTHOR): You better be.
MAMORU: Wanna go see a movie, anyone?
EVERYONE ELSE: Nope.
MAMORU: Oh...
[A British man in a bathrobe carrying a towel runs by, followed by a man whose grin so strangely wide that it makes those in his presence uncomfortable. He's carrying some strange sort of device which reads "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy". A blast of light makes them disappear.]
LUNA: Oh... I read that book.
USAGI: Is there any real meaning behind all these characters popping in from other series?
LUNA: Probably not.
SETSUNA: How about a movie, everyone?
EVERYONE ELSE: Sure!
MAMORU: Wait a minute, how come when _I_ asked, everyone refused?
MAKOTO: Are YOU the almighty Setsuna-sama?
MAMORU: Well... no...
REI: Are YOU an Outer Senshi?
MAMORU: Well... no...
MINAKO: Do you have ANY worthy qualities to speak of?
MAMORU: Well... no...
AMI: Do you COMPLETELY kick ass like they do?
MAMORU: Well... no...
USAGI: Can someone dating you have a great relationship like Haruka-sama and Michiru-sama and feel like they are a special person by the way you treat them?
MAMORU: Well... n-- HEY!!!
[MAMORU and USAGI start squabbling]
HOTARU: That just made me think... Setsuna-sama, why _do_ you like King Endymion?
[SETSUNA shudders with horror]
SETSUNA: Forget I ever said anything like that, okay? I was delusional ... I mean, hey, being stuck at that Time Gate forever, I mean, COME ON, practically any guy that walks your way seems like a primo target after awhile... And he just happened to be the only guy I ever saw *sob!* If only I'd realized, he is such a LOSER! I can do SO much better! I don't like him, I know the truth now! But why, WHY did I have to ever like HIM?!
[HOTARU pats her on the back, trying to calm her down]
HOTARU: It'll be ok, Setsuna... just let it all out...
MINAKO: What about that movie?
EVERYONE ELSE: Nope.
HARUKA: Movie, anyone?
EVERYONE ELSE: Yep.
HARUKA: I love being worshipped.
MICHIRU: Haruka... you know _I_'m the only one who gets to REALLY worship you...
HARUKA (purring): I love it when you make innuendos...
MICHIRU: OOoooOoo I love it when you purr...
[HARUKA grabs MICHIRU in a tight hug and moves in to kiss her]
HOTARU: Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama, you're my foster parents and I love you, but please, let's NOT get into that, ok?
[HARUKA and MICHIRU sign, cross their arms, and pout]
MICHIRU (whining): How come we never get to do anything onscreen? We're the best couple--
HARUKA (hypnotically to INNER SENSHI): Remember, you aren't hearing any of this. You know _nothing_.
MICHIRU: --yet we never get to have any sort of physical contact onscreen beyond the fight scenes, handholding, leaning on shoulders, and dancing. No hugging, no kissing, nothing. The closest we get is our faces practically smashed together, a bit of a suggestive embrace, me sucking a glass shard from her hand...
SETSUNA: It's because all the idiots out there who actually think you two are _"just friends"_ would die of a heart attack.
HARUKA: Can we test that theory?! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?!?!?!
MICHIRU: Haruka... not now... Besides, I want our first onscreen kiss to be at a more romantic moment, don't you agree?
HARUKA: ...I think a scene change is in order... lessee... Paris, maybe? Some nice little restaurant--
SETSUNA: _Haruka_!! Look, you two can just _wait_ for that, ok?
HARUKA and MICHIRU: Pleeeeeeeeeease?
SETSUNA: Nope. Sorry. No can do.
HARUKA and MICHIRU: Awwwww...
HOTARU: Are we ever going to go see a movie?
MICHIRU: Oh yeah...
HARUKA (wiggling eyebrows): HEEeeeyyy, Michiru... nice dark theater... backrow seat... chance for making out?
SETSUNA: Oh NO you don't!
MICHIRU: Grrrrr..... no one has to see us...
MINAKO: How we gonna get there huh huh huh?
HARUKA: I'll take all us cool people, you Inners and cats and, oh yeah, Mamoru-kun... have fun walking.
[The OUTER SENSHI get into the Ferrari, HARUKA at the wheel this time. MAMORU starts wandering around aimlessly. HARUKA is apparently distracted for a moment as MICHIRU is pulling her skirt down over her legs again after it bared her legs, and HARUKA accidentally backs up over MAMORU]
HARUKA: Aw man! ... That's gonna leave a dent on the fender! Damnit!
USAGI (wailing): MAMOOOO-CHANNNNN!!! NoOOoOoooOOoooo!!! Who will save me while making ridiculous speaches at the same time? WaaAAaaaAHhhHh!
[EVERYONE goes to examine MAMORU's prone form]
AMI: Hmmm... I think he's dead.
[AMI pulls out her computer and runs some scans]
AMI: Yup... he's dead alright. Huh.
LUNA: Are you sure?
AMI: Positive.
LUNA: We better check... you know how these things can be.
[SETSUNA takes out her kick-ass Time Key and whacks Mamoru's skill hard with it, making a loud CRACK as she does so]
SETSUNA: Well, if he wasn't before, he is now.
ALL (waving little flags): Yay, yay.
REI: I'm surprised you aren't more upset than this, Usagi-chan.
USAGI: Hey, I'll never see Chibi-Usa again... big bonus... and I'm free to pursue better, worthier guys--
SETSUNA (whispering to others): I don't like where this is heading... she seems to be making sense for once...
USAGI: --Chibi-Usa was a brat anyways, the only niceness I showed was out of sheer PITY for the dork--
SETSUNA: Usagi-chan, you DO realize that if you continue being this bright for once, you will explo-- .... uh .... Nevermind, keep talking.
USAGI: Whatever. Anyways, the idea of that Mamoru guy and I having a kid weirds me out. I mean, hello?, we hated each other before we knew we were the prince and princess, so we really--
[There's a sudden burst of smoke and flame as USAGI explodes gloriously]
AMI: .....
MAKOTO: .....
HOTARU: .....
HARUKA: .....
MICHIRU: .....
SETSUNA: .....
ARTEMIS: .....
LUNA: .....
DIANA: .....
MINAKO: duuhhh.....
[After a moment of more Sile--... um... quiet...]
REI: HOWCOULDUSAGIJUSTDIELIKETHAT?!?!?!?
MINAKO: Huh?
REI (crying): She just DIED, just like THAT!!! Waaaaahhhhh!!!
MAKOTO: Rei-chan!... you really _did_ care about her, didn't you?
REI (sobbing hysterically): Who will I harass now? Who will I insult mercilessly and crush the self-esteem of? Who will be my victim now?! _I_ was supposed to kill her, it was ME ME ME!!!
[EVERYONE ELSE falls over with huge sweatdrops hanging over their heads]
MAKOTO: Ehehehe... I guess _not_...
[The SENSHI slowly get themselves in some form of organization]
HARUKA: On second thought, let's forget about that movi--
[A horribly loud, echoing burp interrupts everything]]
HARUKA: --What the hell? Who DARES interrupt an almighty Outer Senshi by burping?
[Cheesy kazoo music starts playing as a Starlight-esque introduction starts]
VOICE #1: Out of the inferiority of those with low intellects...
VOICE #2: Out of, like, the coolness of, like, the mall...
VOICE #3: From the farthest corners of bitchiness...
VOICE #4: The biggest losers came.
[Lights shine on the first figure, clad in a geeky sailor uniform with suspenders and taped glasses, greasy hair, acne, poor teeth, and a hunched back]
VOICE #1: Sailor Muststudy!
[Light shines on second figure, clad in a pink-to-orange shaded sailor uniform with a ridiculously short skirt, platinum blond pigtails, blue colored contacts, and bright pink lipstick]
VOICE #2: Like, Sailor Dee-itz!
[Light shines on third figure, wearing a black leather sailor uniform of sorts with a spiked collar and bracelets, black hair, pale skin, red lipstick, and wickedly tall spiked heels]
VOICE #3: Sailor Maso!
[Light shines on the last figure, with a dirtied a slightly ripped sailor uniform, messy hair, a dirt-smeared face, and various scrapes, bruises, and cuts]
VOICE #4: Sailor Jerkyturd!
ALL FOUR: Sailor Losers... are here!
ALL SENSHI plus CATS: HAHAHAHA!!
MAKOTO: Oh my God! You HAHA you're so... pathetic!
REI: Are you insane or something?!
AMI: Do you have any idea how silly you look?
MINAKO: You, like, are so pathetic!
LUNA: We've established that.
MASO: Shut the fuck up! We're the Sailor Losers, and if you have a problem with that... I... I DARE you to transform and try to kick our asses!!!
[Stunned sil-- aw hell, you know what I mean!]
AMI: How did you--
MUSTSTUDY: It's quite obvious who you are. Your disguises are not very effective for hiding your identity.
MAKOTO: *sigh* Better transform, girls.
MICHIRU: But I don't wanna! Look, they're obviously Inner Senshi parodies, YOU can take care of them!
REI: Fine, we will! Mars Crystal Power, Make-up!
AMI: Mercury Crystal Power, Make-up!
MAKOTO: Jupiter Crystal Power, Make-up!
MINAKO: ... um... oh yeah! Venus Crystal Power, Make-up!
[Transformation music plays, and the INNER SENSHI stand ready for battle. They all launch at their respective dopplegangers]
[OUTER SENSHI and CATS sit back in lawn chairs with popcorn]
MUSTSTUDY (pushing up glasses and scratching a zit): So, Sailormercury, do you actually believe yourself smarter than me?
MERCURY: Yes! Shabon Spray!
MUSTSTUDY: You would attempt to defeat me with a mist? Hmph! Here's one for you! Ultra-Thick Textbook--- Attack!
[Textbooks fly wildly at Mercury, knocking her to the ground]
MARS: Hey bitch! Over here!
MASO (stretching a whip out in front of her): That's "Maso", thank you very must, as in masochist. Little parody off how you say "Mars", y'know.
MARS: Uh-huh. Right.
MASO: You wanna fight? C'mon, lessee you fight!
MARS: Oh, I'll fight all right! Rin, pyou, tou, sha, kai, jin, retsu, sai, zen! AKURYOU TAISAN!!!
[MARS slaps an Anti-Evil scroll on MASO's forehead and proceeds to beat her up]
JUPITER: Sailor Jerkyturd huh?
JERKYTURD (growling): I like to beat up people, okay?! It's just a name, okay?! CHILL!! Backhand Slap Action!
[Before the hand can reach JUPITER, she grabs JERKYTURD's arm and twists it back]
JUPITER: Oh yeah?!
DEE-ITZ (blowing bubbles with her gum): Like... I don't wanna fight...
VENUS: Yeah, I might, like, break a nail.
DEE-ITZ: .....
VENUS: .....
DEE-ITZ: Cat fight!
VENUS: You're on!
[DEE-ITZ and VENUS wildly claw each other's hair and slap each other repeatedly, hitting with shoes, basically a Jerry Springer fight]
HARUKA: Pathetic, isn't it?
MICHIRU: They aren't called the "Sailor Losers" for nothing.
HARUKA: ... Michiru?
MICHIRU: ... Haruka?
HARUKA: What say we get away from this nonsense and--
SETSUNA: Can't you two keep your hands off each other?
HARUKA and MICHIRU: No.
HOTARU: C'mon, let's watch the fight.
[MERCURY scrambles to her feet and glares at MUSTSTUDY]
MERCURY: You've had it, Muststudy! I'm a bigger study freak than you, and you know it!
MUSTSTUDY: And how do you intend to prove that?!
MERCURY: Hah! Using a conjunction at the beginning of a sentence!
MUSTSTUDY: No! I'm the true geek! ... Where did you go to school? Where are you from?!
MERCURY: Tsk tsk, ending a sentence with a preposition... that's a no-no.
MUSTSTUDY: No! It can't be!!!
MERCURY: It can be if I say it can.
MUSTSTUDY: Oh yeah?! Well... I have a calculator with me! It is a graphing calculator!
[MERCURY pulls out her visor and computer]
MERCURY: The ultimate in calculating, scanning, communication, and data storages lies in my hands and across my face.
MUSTSTUDY: No... no! I AM A BIGGER GEEK!!!
[MUSTSTUDY is practically frothing at the mouth now]
MUSTSTUDY: Well... I willingly miss school dances because I'd rather study!
MERCURY: I take my books EVERYWHERE I go, and finish hundreds a day! I would be so dorky as to read during the dance!
MUSTSTUDY: No! No! I GIVE UP!!!
[MUSTSTUDY prostrates herself before Mercury]
MUSTSTUDY (sobbing): You truly are the bigger geek! I... I want... to be you... You're my idol! Train me in the ways of the geek!
MERCURY: *pft* TRUE geeks come by their geekiness on their own. You are only as geeky as your destiny allows you to be.
[MUSTSTUDY runs off in search of a bookstore]
[MASO has ripped the scroll off and is cracking her whip in MARS's direction]
MASO: Can't handle me, can you? Mwahahaha! I'm much more of a bitch than you!
MARS: Yeah, sure! You're just a tramp in leather! You're just a _stupid_ bitch; I'm the really MEAN bitch!
MASO: Oh yeah? HORRIBLE SCREAMING ACTION!
[MARS covers her ears at the sound of the horrendous yelling]
MARS: Yelling douth not a bitch make.
MASO: Let's see how much of a bitch YOU are, hmmm?
MARS: Mars... Flame... Sniper!
[MASO's letter starts popping and melting from the flames]
MASO: Eeeeek! Ooooo it HURTS!!... Do it again!
MARS: Ugghhh what a sicko!
[MARS launches at her and aims a well-placed kick at her kneecap, then moves to jab her fingernails in MASO's eyes]
MASO: Go for it!
MARS: *raspberry* No way! That's just giving you what you want.
MASO: Come on!
MARS: Nope. You're too lame.
MASO (wincing): Really?
MARS: Yes. Go away now. Find someone else to hurt you.
MASO: Damnit... Geez, and I have to be so lame as to listen to you and leave.
[MASO hobbles off, wincing from the burns]
[JERKYTURD and JUPITER are a whirlwind of punches, kicks, jabs, and attempted throws]
JERKYTURD: You can't block my attempts forever! I will land a blow!
JUPITER: Suuuuure you will... uh huh, and I'm NOT boy-crazy... yeah, right.
[The AUTHOR would like to take this moment to comment on the fact that MAKOTO is so obviously guy-crazy, why does anyone think she's lesbian? So she acted attached to HARUKA... She said so herself that she just looked up to her. And hey, it was _HARUKA_, who _is_ kinda masculine in the anime.]
JERKYTURD: I beat up so many kids I'm in eternal detention!
JUPITER: I beat up so many kids I got kicked out of my old school!
JERKYTURD: Look at all these scrapes and bruises! I fight a LOT!
JUPITER: I fight a lot too, but I'm so good I _don't_ have any!
[JERKYTURD is momentarily stunned... giving JUPITER the perfect chance to attack and land a well-placed kick... right on her butt]
JERKYTURD: Nooooooo! You kicked my ass... literally! I submit to the worthier bully! Please spare me! Take my lunch money, I'll do your homework, close me in a locker, anything!
JUPITER: Just get lost.
[JERKYTURD races off]
[DEE-ITZ and VENUS have progressed to the chair-throwing, clothes tearing, where's-the-security-guards-when-you-need-'em stage of cat-fighting]
DEE-ITZ: I'll win fer sure!
VENUS: No, _I'LL_, like, win, like, fer sure!
DEE-ITZ: *gasp* I, like, forgot to say like!
VENUS: Well, I, like, can, like, put a like, like, everywhere!
DEE-ITZ: But I, like, thought I was, like, fer sure the biggest, like, ditz!
VENUS: But you, like, aren't even a, like, real blond, and I, like, am!
DEE-ITZ (sobbing): It's, like, true and some stuff! I'm, like, a total bleach, like, user and stuff!
VENUS: You just, like, can't, like, compare to me!
DEE-ITZ: Fer sure!
VENUS: Like, tell ya what; you should, like, go to the mall and, like, shop and, like, stuff ok?
DEE-ITZ: Ok!
[DEE-ITZ runs off, bubble gum streaming behind her]
[The INNER SENSHI stand tall in the former battle ground, proud to have defeated their twisted parodies, the SAILOR LOSERS.]
MERCURY: I proved I'm the biggest study-holic ever.
MARS: And I, the biggest bitch.
JUPITER: Er, I'm the one who really is a jerk...
VENUS: And I'm, like, the, um... ditz.
[The OUTER SENSHI clap in that sort of delayed thing people do when they don't really mean it]
HOTARU: Gee, Mercury, I'm sure being a _nerd_ is something to be proud of.
MICHIRU: Being a bitch is a real _commendable_ quality.
HARUKA: Yeah, Jupiter, you can kick _anyone's_ ass... but not me, remember?
SETSUNA: Don't you just feel so _popular_ and _smart_, Venus?
INNER SENSHI: Awww shucks.
[INNER SENSHI detransform]
LUNA: Well, that's it for this episode! Let's share what we learned in it!
EVERYONE ELSE: *groan*
HOTARU: Whhhhyyyyy?!
LUNA: Because the producers will cancel us if we don't.
HOTARU: Oh... well... in that case... ok.
LUNA: I learned that everyone ignores me.
ARTEMIS: I learned that Mina-chan should never have sugar.
DIANA: I learned that I enjoy watching Chibi-Usa suffer... don't we all?
AMI: I learned that I really do like being such a geek.
REI: I learned that leather burns really weird-- better not let that happen.
MAKOTO: I learned that it's very rewarding to literally kick ass.
MINAKO: I, like, learned... um... I don't know. I, like, don't get it.
HOTARU: I learned how to pose really cool... and that sometimes I really wish I'd just blown up this damn planet.
SETSUNA: I learned that my "affection" for Mamoru is misplaced... and got a new idea for a great simulation to make-- Mamoru dying over and over! Yessss!
MICHIRU: I learned that I need to control my hormones for the sake of the viewers... damnit!
HARUKA: And I learned that I'd rather not try!
[HARUKA grabs MICHIRU and they fall over somewhere offscreen, sounds of passionate kissing heard very clearly]
SETSUNA: Er... Yes... well... As they say on Celebrity Deathmatch, good fight, good night! Blecch!
[screen fades to black]
[ending theme begins]
USAGI [pre-recorded, singing to the tune of Otome no Porishii]:
Whatever the pinch you're in, just give into despair. That is my Lame-O Policy.
You'll always stumble over the truth and take the plunge of falling headfirst when you trip like an idiot
In the depths of your great stupidity a loud wail emits
There is plenty to fear! The tripping of your feet is your fault! Why can't you pass a test? You've got a stinky armpit
You can't change what will become! You are just too stubborn, tears and wails you know too well!
Anyways, you've got a stinky armpit.
ANNOUNCER V.O.: On the next Pathetic "Soldier" Sailormoon!
[clips of everyone watching a movie screen]
PLUTO V.O.: We finally go to the movie, and what should happen?
JUPITER V.O.: Popcorn fight! Yahooooo!
[popcorn showers the screen]
PLUTO V.O.: That's not what I meant.
JUPITER V.O.: Whoops!
LUNA V.O.: I decide to claw Artemis many times over!
[clips of LUNA scratching ARTEMIS]
PLUTO: No no no! Awwww forget it! Just watch it already!
[logo flashes]