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December 13, 2004

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This story takes place a few seasons back. I'm not going to give anything specific, because this story is pure fiction. Like I've said before, I haven't seen enough episodes to know the history, so I've been making things up. Hopefully I don't go too far off with any of this. The one specific thing about this fic is that Elliot and Kathy are still married in this fic.

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Olivia's heart pounded hard in her chest and she felt the cool metal of her gun in her hand. Adrenaline pumped through her as she followed Elliot into the dark alley. She could make out his form ahead of her moving quietly along the dark, shadowed wall. Her tongue darted out quickly to wet her lips but she barely noticed as her eyes flitted around, looking for the suspect they were chasing. She watched Elliot skirt around a dumpster and she followed suit, wondering where in the hell the man they were chasing had gone.

The partners had gotten a call just before their shift had ended that there was a disturbance in an alleyway. The owner of a local pizza shop had saw something happening, so he had taken the liberty of calling the cops. He said he thought he saw someone attacking a woman. When asked why he hadn't gone outside to chase the man away, he had gotten snippy, saying he wasn't risking his life in this neighborhood without a weapon. Benson and Stabler hadn't wasted any time before they were out the door and speeding to the scene.

When they arrived, they had expected the perp to be gone already, but they could hear a struggle still happening in the alley where the pizza shop owner had said something was happening. When the attacker saw them coming he had taken off. The pizza shop owner had come outside of his restaurant once the two detectives had arrived, so Olivia checked quickly on the woman and told the man to get her inside his shop before she took off after Elliot and the perp.

Now she was here in the alley behind Elliot. "It's a dead end," she heard him whisper quietly in front of her.

"He has to be in here somewhere," Olivia said, coming up close behind Elliot. Just as Elliot started to say something, a gunshot rang loudly in the air. For what felt like an entire minute to Olivia, everything was still. Her heart dropped clear to her feet and suddenly everything fell down around her.

She heard Elliot grunt loudly and he fell back against her. She reached for him as he pushed her backwards and they both fell to the concrete. Before she could do anything, the perp was racing past her and out of the mouth of the dark alley.

"Elliot," she cried and looked down to find her hand covered in blood. "Oh God," she said and scurried around to look down at him.

"Shit, Liv," he muttered and reached for his left arm.

"Oh God," she repeated and wrestled out of her jacket. She wrapped it around his arm and held on.

"That fucking hurts," he said and looked up at her. Her heart skidded around in her chest. His face was pale and he closed his eyes for a moment.

"El?" She whispered. His eyes fluttered open. "Stay with me," she said forcefully. Her mouth was so dry.

"You know I hate being shot," he said and laid his head on the concrete. "I'm going to pass out."

"No, El, you gotta stay awake for me," she said and reached up with one hand to pat his face sharply, streaking a bit of his own blood on his cheek. He opened his eyes. "Sit up, God dammit," she said and tried to pull him up. He helped her weakly and she leaned him back against the wall. She applied pressure to his arm with one hand and reached for her radio walkie talkie with the other.

"This is Benson, I need a ambulance, my partner's down," she said and rattled off their location. "Hurry," she bit off and strapped the radio back to her waist. "El!"

"Liv, let me sink," he muttered. "I might puke otherwise." She knew that the wound wasn't that bad if he was still able to talk to her. There was a lot of blood, but it wasn't as much as it could be.

"Go, Elliot, I've got you," she said and he passed out. She studied his pale face and noted that his hands were icy and damp. "Hurry, hurry," she moaned quietly to herself as she wanted anxiously for the bus to arrive.

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Olivia sat alone in an empty exam room at the hospital. Elliot was fine, he was sleeping now. Kathy was in his room with him. Munch, Fin, and Cragen had all shown up and Olivia had even been in to see him. He hadn't been awake, but she had squeezed his hand anyway and stood for a moment just for her own sake. He was okay.

The bullet had gone through his upper arm, but it had mostly just been a graze. There was no damage to his nerves or anything else important and he'd just needed a lot of stitches. He'd be back on his feet in no time. Even though she knew he was fine, she still couldn't stop the images. She could remember all to well the emotions that had rushed through her body when she heard that gunshot and realized Elliot had been hit. Icy fear had tingled her spine, but settled hot and heavy in the pit of her stomach. Elliot had been hit in the arm, but Olivia had felt the shot in her heart.

She lowered her head into her hands and didn't fight the tears as they came. God, she had been so scared. In all the time she had been Elliot's partner, neither one of them had ever been shot. Tears slipped through her slender fingers and she let the silent sobs rack her body. Just a couple inches in the right direction and Elliot could be dead right now. Hell, even she could have been hit, but that didn't seem to occur to her.

The only thing she could think of was that she could have lost him, could have lost her partner, her best friend, her Elliot. That combined with the remains of the fear still left inside her was too much for her to handle.

When Olivia heard the door to the exam room swing open, she scrambled to wipe away her tears before she looked up. When she did, she found Cragen's concerned eyes staring at her.

"Captain," she said and jumped off the gurney she had been sitting on.

"Olivia, it's okay to cry," he said. She wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"I'm okay," she said and met his gaze. He sighed.

"Elliot's going to be fine, Olivia. You did everything you could do. These things happen. It's part of the job," he said.

"It's never happened before with us," she said quietly.

"You're cops," he started but she lifted a hand to cut him off. She looked at him and tears were floating in her eyes again.

"I know, I know that. Logically," she said and sighed. "We've always had each other's backs and I know that. I knew that this could happen, but it just hadn't yet." Cragen nodded, understanding.

"You're allowed to break down," he murmured and her face crumpled slightly as the tears she was trying desperately to hold back just poured down anyway.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. He reached for her and she let him hug her.

"Don't be," he said and held on to her until she calmed down.

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Elliot had an entire week off to heal, which gave Olivia that entire week to settle down emotionally. For the first few days she had a feeling that if she saw Elliot she would fall apart. Cragen gave her a couple of days of desk work before he put her back in the field, either pairing her off with Munch or Fin, depending on who was handy or free.

The day that Elliot came back, he smiled at some of the jokes and gentle back slaps that Munch and Fin threw his way before he settled into his desk nonchalantly. He smiled at Olivia.

"Hello," he said. She smiled back and swallowed the lump in her throat.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

"Stiff," he said. She nodded. "But okay. Cragen's got me on desk duty for a few days, though."

"That's probably a good idea," Olivia said. He nodded.

"It'll bore me to death but I don't think I'm quite ready to be back out there, potentially wielding a gun."

"Cragen's got Munch and Fin doing most of the harder field work, so I'll probably be keeping you company here most of the time." Elliot looked down at his desk and sighed.

"Well then, let's get to it."

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Olivia and Munch were called to a scene in the middle of the afternoon. Elliot had glanced longingly at Olivia when she got the call and she smiled slightly at him. He shrugged and rolled his eyes before looking back down at the paperwork in his hand.

Olivia was riding silently as Munch drove, her mind wandering. Now that Elliot was back, sitting across from her when she was at her desk, she once again couldn't shake the thoughts of him from her mind. Both she and Elliot had been ordered to go to a least a week of therapy after the accident had happened because it was policy. Olivia didn't mind. She'd had to go before to talk to the department shrink and it had been okay. She didn't normally mind talking about her feelings about a case. But this time she had to hold so much back.

There were things she couldn't tell the shrink that she worked with. Even though it was confidential, she could still be risking her job if she talked about her feelings for Elliot. Not that she really was sure what they were, but she knew it was enough to put her into a situation she wished to avoid. Olivia let out a small sigh and Munch turned to her. He reached over and placed a gentle hand on her hand.

"You okay?" He asked quietly. She looked at him quickly and then gave him a half-hearted smile.

"Yep," she said and grew silent once more. He moved his hand back to the wheel and knew not to press her.

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Olivia had been working late and she just didn't want to go home. They were working on a big case and she was too exhausted to get home just to come back in a few hours, so she was up in the crib trying to catch some sleep.

But trying to sleep at the station wasn't any easier than trying to sleep at home. She thought maybe it would distract her, help her take her mind off of things, but it wasn't working. She would even be happy if she could think about their big case, but all she could still think about was Elliot. And she was afraid that if she fell asleep here, she'd still have the nightmares that seemed to plague her every night. They made her wake up in the middle of the night, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. She would have to roll out from under the covers because she was sweating so much. Sometimes she would go out onto the couch and watch TV until she fell asleep there and other times she would take showers to try and wash away the horrible images that haunted her.

The dreams were always different but they all ended the same; with Elliot's death. And it was usually her fault. She turned onto her side on the couch in the crib and sighed. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and wished for sleep to come steal her away from her own thoughts. Maybe this time she wouldn't dream.

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Around eight the next morning, Elliot walked in to the station. He put his things in his locker and headed to his desk.

"Where's Liv?" He asked, surprised that she wasn't at her desk yet since he was running a little late. Just as he asked that question, Cragen came out of his office.

"She's in the crib, asleep," Cragen replied. Elliot looked at him in surprise.

"She stayed here last night?" He asked. Cragen nodded with a shrug. "I'll go wake her," Elliot said. He headed up the stairs to the crib. When he reached the top of the stairs, he tucked his hands into his pockets and watched her for just a moment. She looked so peaceful as she slept. Her face was soft and unguarded, something he didn't normally get to see when she was awake. Her hands were tucked under her cheek and her legs were curled up against her. She looks younger, he thought, like a child. He knew she would resent that thought and he smiled to himself before he headed towards her.

"Liv," he murmured as she touched her shoulder gently. He reached up and brushed a lock of her hair from her face. "Wake up, Liv." Her eyes fluttered opened and she gazed at him, confused.

"Elliot?" She asked softly, and he smiled.

"It's time to get up, sleepyhead," he said. She looked around quickly and realized where she was. She closed her eyes briefly and thanked the heavens that she hadn't said anything stupid.

"Jesus, what time is it?" She asked.

"A little after eight," Elliot replied.

"Oh my God," she said and sat up straight. He chuckled. "I can't believe I slept that long." She rubbed the sleep from her eyes. He held out a hand and pulled her up from the couch. "I need to freshen up."

"Guess what?"

"What?" She asked as she followed him towards the steps.

"Cragen told me yesterday that I can go out and do field work today as long as it's not strenuous," Elliot said and smiled, thankful to be away from the desk.

"That's great, El," she said and followed him down the steps.

"Your partner's back in action!" She smiled at his back and headed to the restroom.

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Elliot and Olivia were driving back to the station that afternoon after interviewing a witness in their big case and Elliot wondered why Olivia was being so quiet. She was never very talkative, but she usually talked to him about the cases or just made small talk about whatever.

"That was nice," Elliot said, breaking the silence.

"Hmm?" Olivia asked and glanced at him quickly before looking back at the street.

"It was nice to be away from the desk," he said. She smiled just slightly.

"I'll bet," she said and became quiet again.

"Liv, you okay?" He asked. She nodded.

"Mmhmm," she said but inside she was saying no. You could have died, Elliot, she thought silently. And where would that have left me? With a big, gaping hole in my chest, she thought.

"Sure?" He asked. She sighed.

"I'm fine." He nodded and looked out the window. She'd talk if she wanted to.

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"You wanna catch a drink after work?" Elliot asked Olivia across the desk. They got off in an hour.

"Don't you need to get home?" She asked, looking at him. He looked at her.

"Well, yeah, but I have time for a drink or two," he replied.

"Just go home to your family, Elliot, have dinner with them." He knew she had meant to be rude and he also knew that something was going on with her, so the jab at him didn't hurt.

"Olivia, they'll understand. If you need to talk…" Olivia cut him off.

"I don't need to talk, Elliot, I'm fine, okay?" She asked, a fight brewing in her eyes. He held up his hands.

"Alright," he said softly and looked at her for a moment before looking back down at her desk. She sighed and pushed away from the desk, heading to the bathroom.

Munch and Fin looked over.

"What's up?" Munch asked. Elliot turned around and shrugged.

"God only knows. She's not telling me anything. In fact she bites my head off every time I say anything." Munch rolled his eyes.

"Women," he muttered and they all chuckled before turning back to their work. But Elliot still couldn't help but wonder what was bothering her.

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The next day Olivia still wasn't cutting Elliot any slack and she was still refusing to talk to him. When she left an hour before he did without saying goodbye, he knew he had to make her talk to him. Something was really bothering her and it was affecting the job. Maybe not her ability to do the job, but it was affecting him and their partnership.

As Elliot was leaving he called Kathy and told her that something was up with Olivia and that he was going to be late for dinner. He told her that she and the kids could go ahead and eat without him and he'd just heat up some leftovers when he got home.

When Elliot arrived at Olivia's apartment, he knocked on the door a few times and then held his breath so he could listen for any movement on the other side. He could hear her shuffling about as she headed to the door. He could feel her eyes on him in the peephole just before the door opened. She was already in her pajamas for the night and when she opened the door she leaned against it and didn't invite him inside.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, her voice sounding exhausted. He pushed his way into her apartment.

"We need to talk," he said as she closed the door behind them.

"About?"

"Whatever is bothering you," he said and turned to face her. She sighed.

"I told you to back off, Elliot," she said.

"You're not talking to me, Liv, and it's affecting the job."

"Like hell it is!" She said and headed to the couch where she had been previously sitting, watching TV and sipping some wine.

"It's bothering me, which is in turn affecting my ability to stay focused."

"Then that's your problem, Elliot, I'm fine," she bit off the words and sat down, staring at the television. He slid his coat off and threw it over the back of the couch. Then he pushed her wine glass to the side and sat in front of her on the coffee table so he was blocking her view of the television. She nearly growled.

"Something is on your mind," he said softly. "Why can't you talk to me?"

"There is nothing going on," she said. He tilted his head slightly.

"Why are you lying to me?" She sighed and sat back against the couch as she threw her hands into the air.

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth," he replied. She closed her eyes for a moment.

"Look, you're right, I have some things on my mind, but I'm dealing with them, I'm working through them. I don't need any help," she said.

"Did they make you see a shrink?" Elliot asked quietly. She sighed.

"Yes."

"Did it help?"

"It helped me sort through that night," she lied.

"So it's something else that's bothering you?" He asked and placed a gentle hand on her knee. She wanted to jerk away so badly, but she stayed still.

"Elliot, please," she said.

"What?"

"I don't want to talk about this," she said and finally lifted her head to meet his gaze.

"Why?"

"Because, I just don't, okay? Just back off," she said and he sat back to look at her.

"You can talk to me, Liv." She let out an angry huff of breath.

"I don't want to, Elliot," she said through gritted teeth.

"We're partners… friends. Best friends," he said and looked at her. "You understand me in some ways better than Kathy does. If you're going through something, I want you to be able to tell me," he said softly.

"I can't tell you, don't you get it?" She asked and leaned forward, burying her face in her palms.

"No," Elliot said honestly.

"Look," Olivia said without lifting her head, "Can't you just let it go? If I wanted to talk to you about it, I would, but I don't."

"Is it about last week?" He asked. She didn't say anything for a few moments before she nodded bleakly. He reached forward and tipped her head up. "Then you can talk to me. I was there, Liv."

"I know that," she said and jerked her face away from his hand. He sighed softly and stared at her. She met his gaze with her angry one.

"What is it, Liv?" He said softly and was shocked with tears suddenly filled up her eyes. He sat back, unsure of what to do now. She leaned back and covered her face with her hands again. He reached forward and touched her elbow. "Olivia."

"Go away, Elliot."

"I won't." He paused. "It's okay to be upset about that night."

"I know," she moaned through her hands.

"Then what is it?"

"I…" She trailed off, unable to continue.

"You what?"

"I was so scared, El," she whispered quietly, so quietly that he barely heard her. He tugged on her arms to pull her hands away from her face. She looked at him, her eyes and cheeks wet.

"I know," he murmured. She sat up again.

"God, that moment when you fell into my arms," she paused. "I thought you were going to die," she said and another round of tears trickled down her cheeks. He leaned forward and pulled her into a hug.

"It's okay," he whispered as he rubbed her back. She wrapped her arms around him and clung tightly as tears streaked her cheeks. "I'm glad it was me and not you," he said quietly. She let out a sob and he rocked her gently. "Don't cry, Liv, I'm okay now." He paused. "It was no big deal, see." He pulled back and held her away gently. Then he rolled up the arm of his shirt and showed her the stitches. "See, barely a scratch." She touched her fingers to it gently as the tears slowed.

"You passed out," she said. He chuckled slightly.

"That's because I'm a pussy and I hate that feeling," he said. She managed to let out a strangled giggle. "I've been shot before, Liv, you know that. It was just a graze, too, but those still sting like a bitch."

"I guess I wouldn't know since I've never been shot before," she said quietly. He chuckled.

"Knock on wood," he said and she smiled slightly. He watched her and realized that the sad look in her eyes still hadn't disappeared. "That's not all, is it?" He asked. She looked up at him quickly, surprised. "I can tell, Liv. Something else is going on." She shook her head in denial. He raised his eyebrows and she sighed.

"You're so god damned persistent, aren't you?" He sighed then himself. No progress, he thought with a shake of his head.

"You're damned stubborn," he shot back.

"Look, Elliot," she looked down at his knees so she didn't have to face him. "Can't you just accept that maybe there are some things that I don't want to talk to you about?"

"Maybe," he said. "If I knew what they were." She threw her hands up in the air again.

"That defeats the whole purpose," she said and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Is it girl problems?" He asked and she looked at him.

"You're kidding me, right?" She asked with a raise of her eyebrows. He shrugged.

"I live with four females," he said. "It's me and Dickie against them all," he joked, trying to lighten the situation since he was apparently wrong.

"You're such a man," she muttered and pressed the palm of her hand into her eye.

"Is it a man?" He asked quietly then and she didn't look at him. "Someone you're seeing?" He asked. She shook her head.

"I'm not seeing anyone."

"Is it work? A case?"

"If it was work, Elliot, I'd be able to talk to you about that. If anything that's what I could talk to you about more than anything else."

"Is it somebody at work?" He asked and she shook her head. And then it dawned on him. "Is it something else I did?" She didn't reply. "If it is, I'm sure you could talk to somebody else about it. The department shrink or, or… Munch or Cragen," Elliot said, even though it hurt him to think that she could talk to Munch or Cragen over him.

"Look, El, I've got it under control," she said.

"Is it me?" He asked. He reached over and lifted her chin so she had to look at him. "Is it?" He asked again and then he dropped her chin when he saw the answer in her eyes. "Liv, look, I'm sorry for whatever I did. If you'd just tell me, I could try to fix it and make it better. I don't want this to affect us," he said. "Our work or our friendship."

"El, it's okay," she murmured.

"No, it's not okay. Not if it's making you unable to talk to me. We can fix this," he said.

"There's nothing to fix, Elliot."

"Then what is it?" He asked, wanting to know. God, he was persistent, she thought and she pushed up from the couch and started to walk away. He grabbed her wrist.

"Liv, talk to me," he said and pulled her around to face him. Tears had begun to fall again.

"I love you, okay?" She jerked away from him.

"Oh, Liv, you know I love you, too," he said to her back. She whirled around to face him with tears sliding down her cheeks.

"No, no you don't, Elliot," she said and put a hand up to stop him. He did stop and he stared at her. "You just don't get it," she said and squeezed her eyes shut tightly for a moment. When she opened them back up she met his stare. "I'm in love with you, you big idiot!" She exclaimed and whirled around again. He grabbed her wrist once more and jerked her back against him. She stumbled against his chest and when she looked up, she barely had time to react before his lips dropped to hers. She froze, stunned by his action. He cupped her face gently in his hands and pressed a soft, lovely kiss to her lips. She melted against him but couldn't move, couldn't wrap her arms around him because she knew this was so wrong. He pulled back and leaned his forehead against hers, her face still cupped in his cheeks.

"Oh God," she moaned as tears continued to drip down her cheeks.

"I know, Liv," he murmured quietly and then released her. She stared at him as he stood just a few inches away from her. His blue eyes burned into hers. "I want you to know that I understand," he said. "Don't you think I've thought about it?" He asked. "What it would be like to…" He trailed off. "I know, Liv."

"You can't possibly…" He touched his fingers to her lips.

"I'm married, Liv. I love Kathy. I love my kids. We're happy," he said and she closed her eyes against the onslaught of pain. "But I've still wondered…" He trailed off. He reached up and rubbed his finger down her cheek. "I do love you, Olivia."

"But you're married," she pulled back and wrapped her arms tightly around her chest. "I know that, Elliot, I know." She forced herself to smile at him. "You're a good man," she whispered. "That's only one reason why I love you." A pained look crossed his face. "I know you can't walk away from your family." Her breath shuddered out. "I could never ask you to do that. Not for me, not for any reason." She sighed and a hand through her short hair.

"That's why I wish you would have left this alone," she said quietly and stared at his chest. "I could have worked through it and would have pushed it aside in a few days. But you had to get underneath it," she said and looked up at him again. He smiled sadly.

"I guess I'm a detective at heart," he said quietly. Olivia let out a half laugh, half sigh. "Liv, I don't want this to change anything." She nodded slightly. "I don't want to be awkward around you," he said and reached for her. He touched her elbow gently.

"I know," she murmured.

"Promise me, though, Liv, that you'll talk to me. About anything. I'll try not to press you again, but… I don't want you to hide things from me, okay?" Olivia nodded slightly and reached up to wipe a tear that dropped from her eye. "You can tell me anything. Promise."

"I promise," she whispered quietly. He nodded and stared intently at her for a few more seconds. He knew he should go. He wanted to stay and comfort her, but he knew that she wouldn't want it. Not now, not when she was so vulnerable to him. He knew she would fall apart once he left, but he also knew she wouldn't do it until he left. He sighed quietly and then reached out to her and he leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"See you tomorrow," he murmured and turned, grabbing his jacket and pulling open the door. He glanced back at her one more time before he shut the door behind him. She watched him go and once he was gone, her face crumpled and she began to cry again. She dropped onto the couch and buried her face into the pillows. How was she ever going to forget that tender kiss? The words he had said to her?

Damn you, Stabler, she thought in her mind as the sobs fell out of her.

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DISCLAIMER: I don't know enough about the show to know if Elliot or Olivia have ever been shot in the line of duty… when they were partners or before. So everything I wrote about that is made up.

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