Hello! Not many of you seem to have noticed that the ballad is up! It's called "Teh Kratos Ballad of Doom"! Read it!

Anyway, I now bring you…Chapter 21. Nothing special about the number 21. Hmm. I'll think of something. Like…it's a 2, and then a 1! Ha ha ha!

Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of Symphonia. I DON'T. Okay? Okay. I don't own the Crocodile Hunter either…Crikey! This is a sort of tribute to the Crocodile Hunter. In my own special way. Additionally, I don't own Chef Boyardee. You'll…you'll find out how he comes into play later.

They were trudging through mud, sticks and other unpleasant things when suddenly Kratos said, "I don't think we're headed for Luin."

Everyone stopped and stared at him.

"I think we're headed for someplace else. Someplace different. Someplace no one here has ever heard of."

"Oh, no! Not Connecticut!" wailed Yuan. "The world is lost!"

Kratos whapped him on the head. "We're not going to Connecticut, you dumbass! We're going to…to…a place that must not be named!"

"Just tell us the name."

"I already said! It's a place that must not be named!"

Yuan nodded. "It is a horrible place. I have been there before."

Then everyone forgot what they were talking about.

Five minutes later, Magnius said, "I don't recognize this…" He pointed ahead.

Where Luin should have been, there was a huge pile of rubble in the shape of Botta's face.

Everyone except Raine gasped. Raine said, "If you had been paying attention in the last chapter, I said that it hit somewhere around Luin. It must have decimated the city."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU, DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM!" Yuan fell to his knees and wept.

Presea rolled her eyes. "It was not the Dewey Decimal system, you idiot. 'Decimated' means 'utterly destroyed.'"

"Oh," said everyone else except Raine and Genis.

They all ran forward and reached Luin. How? With a little help from the author.

Genis picked up a window, still perfectly intact. "It's a window…"

"A window," said everyone else in wonder.

"CRIKEY!" someone yelled from the shadows. "She's a big one, eh?"

Kratos drew his sword. "Who or what the hell are you?"

An Australian-looking man jumped out of the shadows. He was wearing sort of ugly khaki pants and a safari shirt. "I'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter! Crikey!" He wandered over to the window that Genis was still holding. "Now this window has a particularly beautiful frame, but watch out—she's a feisty one!"

"Feisty?" asked Yuan. He turned to Kratos. "He said the SECRET WORD!"

Kratos nodded in a manly fashion. "And you know what that means!"

There was a puff of sparkly smoke and Yuan and Kratos stood there wearing lumberjack outfits, complete with big beards, handlebar moustaches and ugly overalls. They started to do-si-do and sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at the top of their lungs in German.

Everyone watched. It was an absolutely beautiful sight! During the mayhem, Steve Irwin set the window down and vanished in a puff of sparkles, off to hunt ghost crocodiles. The poor man…I still mourn him. As did everyone else, per the authoress.

Anyway, back to the storyline, if I can find it. Kvar was looking underneath every rock, every piece of rubble, for the vision of love and passion he had seen—Origin. (A/N: This is soooooooooo weird…) But she (A/N: cough HE cough) was nowhere to be found! Regal, too, had joined in the search. "Origin!" he called. "Origin! My friend! Where are you?"

There was a sudden shifting of rubble about ten feet from Regal. "I'm…I'm here," said a weak voice. "Help me…"

There was a moment of silence. "Um…where are you again?"

Origin sighed. "Never mind." He stood up, and about ten tons of rubble fell off of his back. He is king of the Summon Spirits after all. "Oh, Regal! I missed you!"

Kvar was sitting in a daze. There she was. The vision of beauty. She was so…so…

Origin noticed Kvar staring at him. "Oh. Have you somehow fallen in love with my womanly charms due to a total lack of common sense and gender differentiation on your part?"

Kvar only nodded dreamily.

Origin sighed again. "You see…I don't know how to explain this…but…I'm a man. I'm sorry. This happens a lot…"

Regal shook his head. "Poor, poor Origin."

Magnius strode towards Kvar. "Have you found your person yet, Kvar?"

"Yes. I have found her."

"Ah…no, I'm a man…"

Magnius whistled. "Wow. You've really screwed up this time, my pajamas-wearing lackey. Didn't know you swung that way."

"Huh?" Kvar was slowly realizing the tragic truth. "I…"

Regal nodded. "Origin and I are both male. But…but women's clothing is so much NICER…and, you know, you get a nice pleasant breeze down in your nether regions."

"THANK YOU for that CHARMING information," said Magnius sarcastically. "Now can we stop Volt from destroying something else? What if he actually manages to get Altamira this time? And we still have to find Sam! Get it together and let's go!" He was quite irritable. "Now come on. I know someone who lives around here who can transport us to their new base. And…hey, what's this?" He picked up a paper. It was a letter from Colette to Kuchinawa. It read as follows:

Dear Kuchinawa,

It is that time. I'm sure you can guess what it is. It's the sole reason villains fail so many times. We're betraying you, I'm afraid. Rotaks and I both agree it's the best thing to do in this situation. You see, when I am Overlord of the World and All that is in it, Lloyd and I will have no use for you. We will be awaiting your reply at our base conveniently located in underground Mizuho. You know how to get there. All you have to do is perform an Irish jig and sing in Italian about how great you are in the middle of the chieftain's hut.

Sincerely,

Colette Brunel and Rotaks Aurion

Magnius stared at the note for a moment. "It's…it's pure genius! Nobody would ever think of combining Italian songs with Irish dances in a Japan-based society!"

Everyone else just nodded, completely lost.

Magnius pocketed the note. "So, let's go see that transporter, shall we? His name is Mooch the Priest. He's always demanding people escort him places but never pays them back."

"That guy…" Suddenly, Kratos, Raine, Genis, Sheena, Regal, Zelos and Presea got a furious look on their faces. It faded quickly, as they entirely forgot what happened. So the whole group went over to Mooch the Priest.

"Hello," said Mooch. "Would you like me to transport you this time?"

"HELL YES," said everyone. Magnius continued, "We need you to get us to Mizuho. Yes, we are aware it is in Tethe'alla. You'll get us there anyway."

"Okay!" said Mooch. He snapped his fingers…the world dissolved into mist…there was a sudden girlish shriek which was familiar to all but none could identify.

When everyone opened their eyes, they were standing in the middle of Mizuho, with two new people by their sides.

But wait. Two new people? You may be wondering why, if only Origin joined them, there are two new people. The girlish shriek they heard belonged to none other than the King of Disco himself, Mithos Yggdrasill! He stood in his tiny, childlike form, gazing around at the Japan-based society, confused. "How did I get here?"

Magnius snapped his fingers just like Mooch. "When Mooch transported us, you must have been in the general vicinity! Great. That's just great. We're stuck with a useless, genital-less, high-pitched, girly, rainbow-winged drama queen."

"Genital-less…?"

"Revert to your adult form."

Mithos did so. Magnius pointed at where his…um…organs should be. "You see? With this tight a material, you should be able to see a…bulge."

Genis said, "You'd better shut up, or we'll run over the rating."

"Sorry."

Mithos changed back to his child form. "So…what are we going to do?"

"That depends on Yuan." Magnius turned to him. "You are the only one who can speak Italian fluently enough to grant us access to the secret base. Will you do it?"

"I will." Yuan dashed behind a tree and changed into a kilt. "Let's go, bitches!"

"Ewwww," said half the people.

Yuan led the group to the chieftain's hut and stood in the very middle. He prepared to dance…

But there was inevitably another plot twist. A huge man appeared in front of Yuan. "Who a-dares intrude upon this-a secret base?" he asked in a stereotypical Italian accent which isn't meant to offend anyone.

Yuan gasped in horror. "CHEF BOYARDEE!"

Chef Boyardee smirked and twirled his mustache. "We shall-a have a kickass contest. You can go first, my non-a-Italian friend."

Yuan nodded and was silent for a moment. He started to jig and sang the following:

"Oh, sono Yuan, sono il migliore,

Posso mangiare diciassette torte intere senza ammalare

Ehi, quell'uomo senzatetto mangia la mia scarpa

Ritorna qui o fulminerò il suo asino non scappa, urlo a lei

Che è esso, Trixie, va lo prende! Sono il migliore e lei è

Perché lei non indossa un cappello di chef

Ed un chef uniforme

Ma lei è il Chef non di Prodigio

Cosí devo fare la muore

La-dee-da-dee-da

Heidi-heidi-ho

Eeeek di ho, prende quella spatola lontano da me la ha fatto

Come sa che era la mia debolezza?

Aiutarme, aiutarme,

Oh, ho vinto comunque la

Ringrazia, le mie ragazze di ventilatore del mondo!"

Chef Boyardee's eye twitched for a moment, still wielding the spatula mentioned in the song. Trixie (Yuan's nickname for Forcystus) was still gnawing on Chef Boyardee's hat. He dropped the evil spatula and stuttered, "K-k-k-k…"

Then he exploded.

A hole opened in the floor next to Yuan, who nodded triumphantly. "Let's go!"

Just then, their follower mentioned in the very last line of the last chapter jumped out. Can you guess who it is? Can you? CAN YOU? No? Didn't think so! Hah!

It was Abyssion. He was wearing a Santa hat, carrying a menorah and his arms were painfully tattooed with the seven symbols of Kwanzaa. "I am here to celebrate. Regretfully, all the authoress knows are Christmas carols, so I am here to present my rendition upon one of them.

DECK THE HALLS WITH BRAINS AND EYEBALLS

DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DA-DIE-DIE-DIE

SEE THE MORTALS DIE AND FALL

DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DA-DIE-DIE-DIE

DEATH IS SUCH A PRETTY WORD

DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE

HELP I'M BEING ATTACKED BY BIRDS

DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIEEEEE-DA-DIEEE-DIEEE-DIEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Kratos stole the menorah from Abyssion and lit all the candles but one. He put the last candle in its place and hesitated to light it. His eyes filled with tears. "And now…in honor of L-Lloydie…I will LIGHT…THE FINAL…CANDLE!" He sobbed pathetically while he lit the candle.

Raine asked, "Are you Jewish?"

"No…but we want a non-denominational celebration. We don't want to get sued, do we?"

"Now we'll just speed up the Kwanzaa celebration, like we did with the Hanukkah one." They proceeded to light all seven candles in correct order. Then they all danced. Abyssion left, laughing merrily, taking his tattoos and Santa hat with him. He left the menorah there because Forcystus liked it.

Zelos sighed and put his hands in his pockets. He opened his eyes wide all of a sudden. "Hey! Hey, look! It's…I've found the Key to the Abyss!"

"Huh?" asked everyone else.

"You remember, way back with Victoria/Samantha? THAT Key to the Abyss."

"Oh."

And no, I had NOT heard of Tales of the Abyss (which I got today) when I wrote that. It's purely incidental. But still really, really cool!

"Go away, Annabelle."

Zelos looked at it. "So…what does it do…? We have to figure that out. It's important…somehow."

Kratos nodded. "Indeed."

Presea snatched it. "This is…this is…it is indeed the Key to the Abyss. If we insert it into the correct keyhole, it should grant us access to all the power we could ever need!"

Yuan had gone pale. "The…Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair!" He took the key from Presea. "This must never, ever see the light of day! It's bad enough Rotaks has it and Pronyma wants it. It's too dangerous!"

Everyone nodded solemnly. Then they jumped into the hole Yuan had revealed with his super-awesome dancing and singing.

When they got inside, they saw Rotaks sitting there. She appeared to be very, very bored. She glanced up at them. "Oh…hello…" She looked back down. "Uh…you…you might want to see this." She pressed a button on the monitor behind her. "This happened…not too long ago."

Colette and Kuchinawa were fighting. Lloyd was in the background, screaming for someone to help him, and rooting for Colette. After receiving a furious volley of blows, Kuchinawa fell to one knee. Colette smirked and kneed him in the stomach. "Did you think you could possibly beat me?" she asked. She snapped her fingers, like everyone else seems to be doing in this chapter. "Take him away." She turned to the screen. "Rotaks, 'Master' Kuchinawa has been taken care of."

Rotaks pushed the button again. "And…you also…might want to see this…"

Kratos frowned. "What's the matter, Rotaks?"

"N-nothing…"

This time the monitor showed Volt, sipping his Mountain Dew. Suddenly a group of Sylvarant's Chosen fanatics stormed the screen. One shoved Volt. His soda fell onto the computer he was floating in front of. His eyes widened. "Oh…oh, shit." All of the fanatics were electrocuted as Volt inched closer to the computer. "Oh, SHIT. I didn't know spilling my soda on the computer would summon an army of undead midgets, chipmunks, fake Easter bunnies and…CABLE TECHNICIANS!"

Rotaks shut the monitor off, coughing. "You've seen it. Now…go. Stop him. You…you must…Kratos."

"What's going on?" asked Kratos. "Rotaks…"

Rotaks smiled sadly. "The…the Ultimate Power…of the…Golden…L-Lawn Chair…it…stopped me from aging…this is true…but I used it too much. I fear…I am dying. My beloved little brother…please. Get your son back. Stop her…I…wanted to transfer myself to her body. She…has a certain…quality…that I lack. It would…allow her…and if I were to be transferred to her body, me…to withstand the power. So…I'm so, so sorry…b-brother…I…" She slumped forward.

Kratos was silent for a moment. "R-Rotaks?" He leaned forward and put his hand on her neck. "Rotaks…"

Everyone was silent. This was a serious moment.

"ZELOS!" roared Kratos all of a sudden. "Give me that Key!"

Zelos flinched. "You heard what Yuan said! If you—"

Kratos snatched it out of the Holy Barrel Man's hands. "Get me a barrel!" Zelos put one down with a thunk. "I…I hope this works." He put a hand on the barrel and thrust the Key of the Abyss into Rotaks's chest. There was a crackle of energy. When the light faded, Kratos was standing there with the Key of the Abyss in his hand. Rotaks's body was at his feet, suddenly a skeleton. Kratos turned and knelt next to the barrel. "Are you in there?"

The barrel jumped. "Kratos?"

"Rotaks!" Kratos hugged the barrel. "There! Now you can't use the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair! When I find a more adequate vessel, I can transfer you to it later, okay?"

Rotaks sighed, the planks in the barrel squeaking a little. "Their fortress is in Volt's old temple. He busted out a while ago, but now he's using it as his home base. You have to get there quickly if you want to rescue Lloyd. And…I've received word that Pronyma is on the move again. Be careful, all of you. I can't help you any more. That is all I know."

"Thank you, Rotaks!" chorused the entire group.

"Now…let's go rescue my son!"

Wow. That was really serious for a second. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. It's about time my ass updated, huh? Now let's see if I can update any of my other fics, ha ha…thank you for reading. Please review!

What is in store for Rotaks? Can the group get to Lloyd in time…before a GIANT TIME BOMB goes off? What do Origin and Mithos have to offer to the group? Why is Zelos acting so strangely? Where did Rodyle go? These questions will be both ASKED and ANSWERED in the next installment, Chapter 22, "Can We Forgive a Traitor?"

I just realized…we've been going for TWO YEARS! Happy birthday, TRDi4000Y! I hope you guys still haven't gotten tired of it yet! I love you all! Thank you for staying with me for 2 years of craziness! Happy holidays and may you continue to enjoy this story!