Behind me, there is the sound of crumbling stone and steel, and the crash of stalactites of that strange mold that an infestation leaves behind. Strange how those creatures can turn a ship into a subterranean cave. Gleaming gray to ancient, vivid green. Everything they touch decomposes and dies, like they're turning the hands of time.
I mustn't look back. My ship blinks invitingly. Just a few more paces and I'll be aboard, and I'll be flying away from this place, where only death reigns now. Ignore the rumbling... ignore the cries of the small creatures as they die. You need not pity them. They're just creatures. It's not his scream. He'd never scream.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Suddenly I can't breathe and the helmet has to come off. My hair is long and it flaps around me in the dusty air. I can taste it. Dust and sweat and oil. I feel my lips move.
"I'm sorry..."
I feel my head start to turn. It's all I can do. Tears blink away the dust in my eyes. I see the entrance, half-blocked by rubble, come into view. I shouldn't be looking back. Another explosion thunders across the terrain and the entrance is obscured by a boulder. An enormous boulder, half a man's height, like the final blow to my hopes.
Hopes? What was I expecting, anyway? Did I really think I'd see him come crawling out at the last minute? You're a foolish girl, Samus. He didn't make it and he won't come back. You can wish as hard as you like, but it'll never happen. Even Adam isn't that strong.
I whisper through the dust and the tears. "I'm so sorry."
And then there is a hand on the boulder.
And he's pushing it away, and the weathered face comes into view, bloodied and scraped but undoubtedly his. And his dark eyes have a smile in them. I can't even hear my own scream, can't even feel my body fly across the terrain. I only know I've moved at all when my armor thumps loudly against his.
His voice is the scraping voice of age and exhaustion and it's beautiful. "What's wrong, lady?" he laughs, though I can hear the pain thick in his throat. "Did you really think I'd let you leave without me?" I shake my head violently into his chest. The plates of metal shielding him are cracked and worn and hot with the fires approaching us. I can't stop my tears. They hiss on the metal like angry snakes. I feel as though my face is going to melt into him, and I lean further, ready to drown in relief and
"...ADAM!"
Silence.
I'm sitting straight up in bed, sweat drenching the sheets. The air conditioning must be broken. It's horrendously hot in here. Through the portal I can see stars, distant and shining the clear, cold shine of stars from space. I feel a wave of nausea and lean my forehead onto an upturned palm.
Was there ever really a time I thought of myself as a foolish girl?
Reality slows its dizzying spin and comes to rest, heavily, on my back. That dream happenedages ago. Or, more precisely, it didn't happen ages ago. Adam never crawled out from that furnace of a planet. The way it really happened, I whispered "I'm sorry," went to my ship, and left him behind. Left him to burn.
It's just that occasionally I feel it's the other way around.
---
Aftermath
Because Samus deserves a personality and a purpose.
Chapter I: Facade
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The ship I ride now is oblong, sleek, and silver, like a great fish. Except for the buggy cooling system, it's the best technology money can buy. That's because it's a Galaxy Federation ship. The thought of that makes me feel sick sometimes. But the orange ship I've piloted so many years isn't an option right now. It may be faster, smarter, stronger. But it's Samus Aran's starship. And right now, I'm not Samus Aran.
My ship is well-hidden. I know it'll come in handy eventually, but I could never get this close without letting it disappear for now. It's in the bowels of a certain asteroid I happen to know has a large, hidden crater. We've been there before, the ship and I. As for my suit, it's well-hidden too, but I keep it slightly closer to home. One of the nice things about a suit with morph ball capabilities - it's easy to carry.
I miss the feel of the suit. It was cool and warm all at once, and the hollow sound of my breath in the helmet was a rhythm I lived by. That dizzying detachment from my physical body I felt when I morphed, the release of the speed booster as I broke the threshhold and everything slowed down around me, the feeling that my hand itself had become a weapon as the beam built up its charge.... these are sensations one doesn't easily forget. And as freed as my skin feels bared against the elements, I am still more weighed down by the regulation firearms at my waist than I ever was in the Chozo suit.
Yes, I am a Federation officer now. I wear the uniform, I carry the weapons, and I ride the ship. There's even a mild green GF stitched at my shoulder. It was easy to get here. It was a simple bit of hacking to enter the name "Ran" into the database, to forge prior experience and even recommendations. The back door they left open when they downloaded that computerized CO to my ship proved quite useful.
And it's quite remarkable how easily people will "remember" you with a few words and some slight suggestions. I went into parties and gatherings like I went into battle - armed with all my data. I was shocked they didn't remember me from the battle at UN-934, or the training session we'd attended back in Federation Academy class F. Didn't they remember how hot it was that day, and by the way I have a review coming up, if anyone should ask you about my performance there please do be favorable. I'm really hoping to be assigned to BSL-2.
Not all fancy footwork requires a speed booster, after all.
So here I am, aboard this strange silverfish, headed for Biologic's new research station. They've rebuilt in the wake of their terrible loss following the infestation that "killed" Samus Aran along with their precious research specimens. I've heard a few disquieting rumors that bore investigating under the guise of a senior security officer training a new recruit, so I finessed my way into the job.
I just realized I haven't mentioned Ethan yet.
Ethan is barely out of his teens, slight, with sandy hair and a grin so wide it's hard to believe he'll ever be able to muster up enough of an authoritative air to be a decent officer. But he's pleasant, impressionable, and easily swayed. I can hardly think of a better companion for a journey such as this. In fact, there's only one problem with Ethan. But it's a big one.
"Do you think she'll be up there?" he said abruptly one shift, as we were moving some cumbersome crates of energy cores from the hold to the engine room. Somewhat hypnotized by the humming of the purple globes in the canisters, I made a noncommittal noise and shook my head.
"Sorry," I said, "where?"
"At BSL-2," Ethan answered. "Hiding in one of their crates. Curled up in a ball, just watching. Waiting to blast them all away." He jabbed with his arm, nearly sending energy cores flying across the room.
I snapped at him. "Focus, Ethan, focus!"
"I don't believe she's dead. Do you? There was probably a Space Pirate infestation, and she got away just in time. Not before killing half of them, of course."
Setting down my crate, I finally faced him. "Just who are you talking about?"
"Samus Aran, of course!"
If I'd still been holding the crate, it would have crashed to the floor at that moment. Biting back my surprise, I forced myself to breathe. "The bounty hunter?" I hoped my voice sounded as casual as I meant it to.
"Not just a bounty hunter," he retorted. "THE bounty hunter!"
Ethan's enthusiasm gave me room to calm my nerves. My reply was flat. "That's what I said. The bounty hunter."
"You've been in this business for a while, haven't you, Chief? Have you ever met her?" Now that the initial shock had worn off, I could afford to be amused. I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a half-smile. In response, a small explosion of excitement built up behind his face. "You have, haven't you?" he finally burst out. "Is it true what they say about her? That she can kill a Space Pirate just by touching it? That she NEVER takes her suit off? Even when she..." He stopped and blushed. For the first time I found myself wondering if I was the subject of Galaxy Federation locker-room talk.
From that moment on, Ethan became prone to fits of speculation. "Where do you suppose she got that suit, anyway?" he'd say at mealtime. My thoughts would flicker to the past and I'd lose my appetite. At another point, he'd start raving about "how cool it must be to just curl up into that little-bitty ball and roll around like a watermelon!" It was cute, but slightly unnerving. I was trying to keep my identity under wraps; it didn't help to have someone talking about me day in and day out.
It was when he theorized about what had happened at BSL that I felt the most anxious. I didn't particularly want to think about it, especially when he started positing theories about how the organisms on board must have sent the satellite plummeting toward its destruction. Guilt would sting me then, like an angry war wasp, and I'd feel the need to retreat. It felt so much like a return to another hazy night, when I'd let another world burn, with another Adam's voice ringing in my ears.
Adam had faded from the computer minutes after I escaped. Whether his personality was tied to some aspect of the lab, or he was a program whose time had run out, I didn't know. Once the mystery of my ship's launch had been cleared, and I had the space to begin worrying about the consequences of my actions, the computer had reassured me. "Someone will understand," it had said. "Someone must."
For a moment, I had actually thought Adam was advising me to tell the truth: to go to Federation headquarters and admit I had effectively destroyed Biologic. But then reality set in. If that had been the case, why had the computer initially advised me to allow the Federation access? It was almost as if it had paused to think before realizing there was another way. But computers don't need time to think, and usually, neither did Adam. He was trying to tell me something.
Those final words were the last the computer spoke in Adam's voice, but they were enough to give me my answer.
Adam's morality was narrow and unflinching. But his methods of teaching were as subtle as they come. At times, we'd engage in extended role-plays... he'd outline the scenario, then take on the persona of either a partner or an enemy. Some would be straightforward, but more often than not, there was a subterfuge behind the play.
On one occasion, he'd laid out the scene of a politician being held hostage in an armory by political rivals gone wrong. Once I'd navigated the physical aspect of the role play and gotten to the room he was being held unnoticed, Adam took on the role of the politician. "These men hold power," he'd warned me in a voice very unlike his own. "This situation can't be solved by blasting our way out."
"What are you talking about?" I hissed at him. "These guys are killers! Have you forgotten what they did to your partner?"
"Don't you understand?" he said. Adam's voice was convincingly desperate -- even in the dim light of the training hall, I could almost see a small, round man gazing up at me with beady, panicked eyes. "If we take action like this, there will be an inquiry... people will regard our party as ruthless... they'll question the necessity for such action..."
"Don't be stupid!" I snapped. "It's more important to save your life than to avoid some inquiry. You can't be tried if you're dead!"
Adam's politician pondered for a moment. "You're right," he conceded. I stared at him, incredulous for a moment, and he hastened to explain. "Well, you're right! There doesn't seem to be another way out. I'm sure someone will understand."
And so I fired my way through the stronghold, and with a world leader clinging to me, I ran from the wreckage as it burned. And just before leaving to join the guard assembled at the burning site, my new politician friend said to me, "I just want you to know... I really do hope someone will understand what you've done."
Adam turned up the lights in the hall and I knew I'd made a mistake.
Politician gone, Adam stood straight up, his arms folded, facing me. "Shortly thereafter, the destruction of the armory is called into question," he said matter-of-factly. The hall resonated with his harsh tone, and I felt his echoes pierce me. "You're court-martialed for reckless use of your badge and are asked to recount your motives for torching the compound."
Nervously, I protested. "I did it for his sake."
Adam scowled at me. "Your friend testifies at the hearing that you acted against his advice and that he would never have sanctioned such a lawless display. You're given eight decacycles in prison and he is elected Prime Minister."
"What the..!?" I started to protest.
He slammed his hand against the wall. "You're naive!" he bellowed, and I shrank in silence - only Adam could ever make me cower like that. "He was counting on you to destroy his rivals and take the fall for him! Never trust someone who changes his mind and then tells you someone will understand, lady! Someone WON'T understand!"
I swallowed hard. It felt as if I'd been slapped across the face.
Adam sighed then, and gazed listlessly off at some point behind me. "The world is ugly," he said pensively. "It gets uglier the more you know. When something is inconsistent, question it. Even if it comes from the highest authority."
"So I should have been suspicious when he did that."
He nodded. "You may have made the same decision, but you would have had the question."
"And when the time came, I would have known to deny any allegiance and seek out the truth on my own," I pondered.
"That's right." He walked up to me. "Always count on yourself when the lines begin to blur, lady. If you're strong enough and you're smart enough, you can always strike out on your own."
And then, something unprecedented happened. He touched my face. "Be strong enough," he said. "And for God's sake, lady, be smart enough."
Wearily, he turned and walked away.
I wasn't in the academy for very long after that. The world shifted around me and the Federation suddenly seemed so much less appealing. A bounty hunter made a better living than a civil servant anyway, and I wasn't eager to share the secrets of my past with the authorities. But those are superficial reasons. The true reasons I gave up on being a Federation officer run through bloodier waters.
But now here I was, back where I'd started. Well, not quite where I'd started: I was in Adam's shoes now, a mentor to a young cadet. Ethan is in my position now, and like I had been, he is young, idealistic, enthusiastic, and very talented. So much so that it frightens me a little. What if he sees too much? What if he gets himself into a situation he can't handle?
What if I can't handle it, either?
But I'm no longer the girl who froze up when a man changed his mind. I've seen firsthand the deadly creatures that inhabit this world of ours, the horrors you can see with your eyes and the ones that strike at your heart. I've learned that a creature born only to kill can long for a mother, and that an organization sworn to protect the universe can selfishly put it at risk. There are grey areas in this world, and inconsistencies, and things and people that cannot be trusted.
I don't know if I'm strong enough or smart enough. But I do know that the lines are more blurred than they've ever been. So for better or for worse, I'm out on my own, and I won't stop until I find the truth.
-to be continued-
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